Ch 14

"McBain" Clint called into the room as he walked closer to him still in the chair next to his daughter. John turned and looked at him.

"Go get coffee... her family wants to see her a little too" Clint told him as John looked at his watch... it was 2 in the afternoon... they had till 5... or till her body was to such a low that they felt the Meds couldn't bring her back... couldn't help.

"No...Her family is right here" John told him and refused to get up and out of the room. Clint just shook his head upset... annoyed but he left the room anyways... he did.

"Your dad doesn't think I'm good for you... probably doesn't think I'm good enough for you... and he's probably right... but...you and I together... what's inside of you...that's... what's good enough" John just started to talk... to say things... probably speaking more than he had ever spoken before in the last ten years... maybe the last twenty.

"You and I...we're good together...and... Maybe we clash cause we're the same... we were kind of brought up the same... no real childhood, I took care of Michael and the household when my dad died... and you... Rex... and even Roxy too..." John took a breather and pushed her hair from her face some, he touched it, closed his eyes and continued to speak...jumping from subject to subject... just speaking the things that went in and out of his brain... his heart.

"I love your hair... did I ever tell you that? Probably not... there was so much I never told you... but I do... since first sight... I've... I've been fascinated by it... the color, the texture... that damn piece that falls in front of your face all the time" He smiled as he touched it again... smoothing the ends back off her face.

"I dreamt of a little girl you know...one that looked like you... the same red hair... a little boy too... with a wise mouth" he let out a laugh " like me... we were at Rodi's... playing pool... and... and well... a feeling came over me... one of peace... one I didn't know must have been happiness..." he took a break and then sat back down in the chair.

" I don't know what was wrong with me...after I got back from the hospital... I guess... and it's no excuse... that I was feeling as if... as if I lost myself... completely... I laid for months in that hospital bed... letting others take care of me. Having to let others take care of me... and... that was new to me. I've never had anyone... or needed anyone to take care of me... not like that... and... then... I got home... and you... it just felt like.… it was different... so different...I pushed you... made it your fault... like you were smothering me... doing things for me, making decisions cause I couldn't while I was in the hospital... but... I didn't see... I didn't want to see" he took a breather again, his eyes... watering and he couldn't control them, nor did he want too at this point.

"I couldn't see that you were taking care of me... loving me... trying to do what was best for me... cause you were afraid to lose me..." John pulled his chair closer to the bed, placed his hand on her stomach gently for a moment and then closed his eyes... leaned his head carefully on her stomach.

"I get it now... I understand the fear... how afraid you were to lose me again...and how much you love me." Breathing rapidly in and out thru his nose he finished up talking.

"I get it all now... all of it...and how much I want it... and all of it with you"

John slowly fell asleep... into a deep sleep and his thoughts... his visions... his dreams coming full circle.

Dream

"He's finally asleep" Natalie said as she joined John in bed... their son... he just didn't want to sleep tonight.

"That's good... didn't think he'd ever give us some privacy tonight" he said with a smirk, a devilish smile and she nestled herself in his arms, her body cuddling into a tight fit with his.

"Yeah... well... that's one of the down falls of having children... no private time" she told him smiling and joking and he pushed her hair from her face. Looked deep into her eyes.

"Would you give it up John? Are you sorry... we had him?" she asked out of nowhere

"Do you think I'm sorry?" she shook her head no immediately

"No... but I was just wondering... you know... all of this... it started... I mean...you weren't ready... you couldn't ... you didn't want it and then bam...I'm near death... I'm pregnant with our son... and...then... it all falls into place... and nicely... and so... I sometimes... well... I sometimes..."

'You wonder? You've been wondering all these years... if we only got married cause of what happened? Natalie babe..."

"John... I know you love me... us... all of us.… and we have a really good life...things are too good sometimes... I know it all worked out for us... how ever it came about but sometimes... when I'm a bit insecure... once in a blue moon"

"Honey" he said pulling her close... her body even closer, staring right into her eyes again, even deeper.

"You don't need to wonder...or be insecure about anything...you know how I am... how things... take me so long... how I have to be hit with a ton of bricks before I realize things... almost losing you... him...although an emotional ride... although scary as hell... it was the best thing that happened to me in a way... it woke me up... it did... and fast... and...I promised to never go back to how I was...back then" he told her and she smiled at him, tears in her eyes.

"So your happy then? That it all worked out like this?"

"I didn't know this kind of Happiness existed" she smiled brighter this time, leaned in with her lips, kissed him gently and then pulled back. Looked into those blue eyes of his.

"So then... you would be happy if I told you I was pregnant again?" she saw his face as he brought it closer to kiss her.

"Yeah... I'd still be happy.… probably even more"

End dream

John woke to the feeling of her warmth... her hand in the back of his hair as he heard the sweet sound of her voice.

"John" she spoke shaky as he rose his head up and saw her awake for the first time ... first time in way too long... the color in her face... it was beginning to come back... and he almost thought it was part of his dream... her talking to him.

"John... I'm..."

"shhhhhh.…you're awake... nothing else matters right now... let me go get your Doctors" she nodded her head as he stood, went to her face before leaving the room... touched her cheek softly... looked into her eyes... " I love you Natalie ... sometimes... Love is enough"

To be continued...