OMG

I'M SO SORRY.

It's been too long.

Gone summer has gone by way too fast and now school is staring up and I'm crazy busy and I haven't had time to write.

Urgh. I have another chapter after this one for you, but other than that I'M OUT OF IDEAS.

Help!

September 14th

Clary

The sounds and questions whirling around me are driving me to insanity.

Simon's clammy hand is crushed against mine, Maia is slowly stroking my hair, and Jordan is just…standing by his girlfriend looking like a deer in headlights.

I can't take this attention or the fact that everyone is acting like I'm the lone survivor.

Well, who knows, maybe I am.

I did try to kill myself.

I almost succeeded.

If it weren't for Isabelle showing up early at my house…I wouldn't be in this world anymore.

I'm not sure if I'm happy or angry with that.

Yes, I have my friends. They mean a lot to me…they care too much about me, I don't deserve them, which is why I keep asking myself why they are sticking around for the show.

And then there is Luke, we have barely talked since my mother perished, he's like a stranger living in my house…I still don't know if I died if he would be thankful or not.

There's not much worth living for.

"Are you sure you're okay Clary? Do you want me to get the doctor? You're looking a little pale to me." Simon tells me.

I always can rely on him to tell me the truth…even if I want it or not, but the constant asking if I'm okay or not is getting out of hand.

I'm not okay.

"I'm fine Simon really." I try to give him that 'all serious business face' but it just ends up looking like I'm in pain.

Wonderful.

He smiles sadly, "You know, you really scared us Clary…don't do that again okay?"

I try to nod my head but every attempt to move my head sends a throbbing pain down my spine, "Okay."

Then DR Bennett and Luke are back into the room and rushing my friends out.

"We'll be right outside if you need us kk?" Maia tells me.

I give her thumbs up.

I need to try to act like my old self as much as I can.

I can't get locked up again.

I won't get locked up again.

Not in that hellhole.

"Clary, I'm going to ask you a serious of questions to test your mental capability and see how you are feeling, is that alright?"

I cast a sidelong glance at Luke, he looks concerned.

I give a small nod.

"Okay, first off, what is your name?"

You got to be kidding me.

"Clarrisa Fray."

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"How are you feeling?"

This again?

"I'm fine."

Lie.

"Could you please be a bit more specific Clary?"

Great.

"My head hurts."

And everything else.

"On a scale of one to ten, ten being going to the emergency room, how much does your head hurt?"

I thought for a few moments.

"Seven."

Ten actually.

He wrote some things down on his clipboard. That damn clipboard will be the death of me.

"Does anything else hurt?"

"No."

Yes.

"Okay, could you explain why you mixed your medication with sleeping pills?"

AKA they are asking why I tried to killed myself.

I stared at Luke; he looked like he might cry.

"Clary," Luke began. "You know not to mix those pills together."

"I know, I guess I just forgot. I wasn't sleeping well and I just took my medication and I took a few pills and…you know the rest."

Lies.

"But we have record of multiple sleep induced pills in your system. Close to a dozen Clary."

Damn.

I shake my head. Bad move.

"Um, I don't know honestly. It's all foggy to tell you the truth. I was just frustrated that I couldn't sleep and I guess I took way too many."

I wonder if they could tell I was lying my ass off.

The doctor wrote more things down on his clipboard but I noticed a small crease that formed in between his eyebrows.

"Finally Clary, we need to discuss your treatment."

My eyebrows knitted together.

"Treatment?"

"Yes, there are many forms of therapy for…troubled teens like yourself. I've discussed some with your father and now we would like your thoughts."

Okay so now I get a choice…sure.

"All right, I'm listening."

"Here at the hospital in the medical care wing, we have all day classes with group discussions and lessons. That is one possible choice." Andrew casts a knowing look at Luke, "Another option would be that psychiatric hospital Luke informed me about. He said you've been there for a period of time and spent time with…DR Wix I believe and it helped you a lot."

I shot up in my bed. Bad choice. My vision swayed from reality to darkness.

"No no no no no." I repeated. "I'm not going back there."

"Clary," Luke says, "I think that would be the best decision. You could spend a couple weeks there, back in that same room you were in and they would help you like before. Remember how great it was?"

I fire him a look of pure venom.

"No Luke, I don't remember because that DIDN'T HAPPEN! I hated it there, absolutely hated it. I can't go back. I refuse."

Andrew frowned, "Reaction to therapy is shaky and unstable." He comments to himself before writing it down on his clipboard.

I wonder what they would do if I took his clipboard and fired it against the wall.

"Please, Luke." I beg. "I'll do the therapy here at the hospital anywhere but with DR. Wix."

He shakes his head. "I'm sorry Clary. My choice is made up. I called him earlier today and they have a room made up for you. Tomorrow we leave."

My body shakes with terror.

That place is literally a ticket to hell.

"Then why did you come and give me two options if you already made up your decision?" I ask as calmly as I can.

My teeth are chattering, my body is literally shaking because of pure rage.

I don't know what is happening to me.

"Because we hoped you would choose what's best for your health and getting better."

Then I just snap.

I fire the clipboard DR. Bennett is writing shit down against the glass wall and watch with a wicked smile on my face as it breaks in two. When did I get so strong? I swipe the oxygen tank with my right hand and watch it with pure elation as it falls to the ground with a sharp crack. I squeeze the cup of water in my hand until it overflows onto the bed, allowing a damp mark to stain the sheets.

I want to rip this hospital room apart piece by piece until there is nothing and no one left standing.

The fire within me seems to burst through the seems because I ignore Luke and Andrew as they fight to hold me down. I dash up in my bed, completely disregarding the fact that my vision just swayed to the left, and I rip the cords and tubes that are flowing down my body. My feet are somehow stomping over and over on the tubes until the liquids and the oxygen are exploding onto the floor.

I don't notice I'm screaming and trashing until I hear an alarm erupt in the room and several guards are running in and trying to restraint me.

And somehow…I don't want to go down without a fight…because if I don't try…I'll be locked up in that place again.

My short legs go out to the guards who are pinning my arms up in the air; I knee one of them in the groin, the other in the calf.

A vile laugh escapes my throat.

And then when I feel a sharp pick in my upper arm, I notice the doctor has shot me with something that makes my eyelids fall to my cheeks and makes my limps weak.

What. Has. Gotten. Into. Me.

Jace

Maryse told Isabelle and I that it was probably best for us to leave the hospital.

She's right.

Clary doesn't want us there so I don't want to be somewhere where I'm not needed.

And yet…there is this aching sensation inside of me that's killing me.

The ride home is silent until we reach the driveway.

I throw a look over my shoulder at the Fray house.

I would never step foot in there again.

I deserved that.

"What happened?" Isabelle breaks my thoughts away.

I toss a look at her, but she's gripping the steering wheel very tightly even though the car isn't moving.

"What do you mean?"

She hates when I answer questions with questions.

"Tell me the truth for once Jace. I found Clary lying on the floor of her bedroom with two bottles of pills in her hands right after you went to talk to her. Spill."

…

I don't know what to say.

"I just went to go apologize…"

"And?"

"And…something happened."

"Details would help."

"We kissed. Well, it was more of an intense make out."

"Okay, but I still don't get why…" She trails off. Her voice lowering.

"And she saw my scar."

She finally looks at me.

"And I kind of freaked out at her about it. And said things I didn't mean."

Isabelle rests her head on the wheel of the car.

"Oh Jace." Is all that she can say.

"But that doesn't explain why she took all those pills…it's not like-"

I'm cut off.

"It's not like what? Clary cares about you way more than you think, and if you said a bunch of words that probably stung, who knows what she did."

I gulp.

"Are you saying I'm the cause of this?"

She sighs, "I don't know. But you may be the reason why she was pushed off the edge."

September 15th

Clary

I'm staring up at the asylum building.

Stone bricks ten story high are pilled up against each other, with uncared for vines and weeds snaking up the sides of the building.

It reminds me of the castle in The Haunting.

Not a freaking place you would live in.

"You ready?" Luke asks.

The first word he has said to me since I freaked out at the hospital.

I nod, my head feeling better. They gave me strong medication… I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing anymore.

We left the house this morning around dawn to get here in time. My friends came to say goodbye, it was sad because it actually felt like it was the last time I would see them.

Maybe it would be.

The Lightwoods didn't show.

I was sort of happy and disappointed at the same time.

But just as I was riding off, I saw a face in the window of their house.

I'm not sure who it was though.

I shouldn't care yet I do.

The hollow wooden doors open and a tall, lanky man with a long chestnut beard and matching eyes welcomes us.

"Clary, Luke!" He says a bit too cheerfully. "It's great to have you back."

Actually it's not at all.

We shake hands and I even flash him a smile.

A point for effort for me.

"Right this way, I'll show you to your room, so while Clary gets settled in, Luke and I can chat." He smiles at me before turning around to lead us somewhere.

The one thing I remembered about this place was its categories.

The pyschos, the freaks, the unstables were kept locked on the top floors. The normals needing a bit of help like myself were kept on the bottom floors. The number rule we had was to never enter the upper floors. Who knows what could happen to you.

DR. Wix leads up down a narrow hallway, where we pass patient's quarters and even a small common room.

I haven't seen any patients yet.

We reach an elevator.

A bead of sweat develops on my forehead.

Why are we going up?

My last room was on the first floor.

Because that's where the most normals were held.

Then DR. Wix pushes the sixth floor button.

The upper floors.

The dangerous ones.

The ones that are harmful to themselves and others.

Sweat rolls down the side of my face.

Maybe he is just showing me around….

"Um," I began while the elevator starts to move up, "I thought I was going to stay in my old room."

DR. Wix gives me a ghost of smile, "Oh, we have a brand new one for you."

Jesus that doesn't sound good at all.

We enter the sixth floor, and we walk farer and farer into the building.

Someone screams near by, I nearly drop my suitcase that I'm holding.

I don't belong here.

What am I doing here?

We stop at the end of the hall; he takes out a key and unlocks the second to last room.

I notice the rooms are smaller and farer apart.

I notice Luke hasn't said a word to me this entire time nor even looked at me.

"Here we go,"

The door to my new room swings open and the whiteness and dullness of this room is blinding.

Everything is white in this room. It reminds me of a hospital.

The small twin bed pushed against the wall, the petite dresser against the opposite barrier, and even the walls themselves are all white.

I think white is my new least favorite color.

Luke sets the rest of my stuff down while I walk fully into the room.

I'm tempted to make a break for it. See how far I get before I'm gunned down.

"Home sweet home." DR. Wix shows off an almost wicked smile to me.

Something is definitely wrong with him.

"We'll be back Clary, make yourself at home."

He turns around, I try to catch Luke's eyes, but he won't look at me.

I hear a horrible clanging noise as the door to my room closes…. and locks.

My room was never locked before.

I don't belong here.

I don't belong here.

I don't belong here.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

Yet no one was coming to save me.

Well.

Jeez.

What would you do if you were put in Clary's situation?

GUYS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT. IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.

But if you want me to keep writing...I would love to hear your thoughts!

I'll be back shortly with another one for you.