A/N: So guys this chapter is really long, and all from Cam's pov. It is probably the most jam packed chapters ever. Please remember to review, and favorite, and follow. It is very much appreciated, and I hope you like it. I worked really hard on this, and it was kind of emotionally draining. lol I really hope that you like it as much as I do. Thanks for the continued Support.
Disclaimer: I do not own degrassi
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Cam's POV
I woke up to my alarm clock blaring. Five-thirty AM and time to get up from hockey practice. I wish that I didn't have to go, but of course I have to. I sigh deeply before sitting up, and stumbling lazily through my dark bedroom. I hit the light switch on, and am stunned by the bright light.
I let my eyes adjust to before opening the door only to see that someone is in the bathroom. I knock slowly still not fully awake, and a voice responds "just a minute" in a sleepy voice. My tiredness prevents me from being able to tell who the voice belonged to, but after what felt like hours Alli emerged from the restroom, and went back into Clare's room.
I groggily walk into the bathroom and enter the shower. I can't stop thinking about yesterday, and how for the first time since Clare told me about her sister I cut. I didn't know how else to deal with it all. I try my best to forget about my father's existence, but Justin always brings him up telling him I should talk to him.
My father is a joke. All throughout my childhood he would drink way too much, and when he got drunk he got violent.
-flashback-
We were huddled in the corner scared out of our minds, me crying my eyes out and twelve year old Justin trying to protect me. It had been this way for as long as I remember, my father coming home at night in a drunken rage. He threw picture frames and lamps, and mom tried her best to dodge them while still protecting us from his wrath.
"You're drunk. Don't let your children see you like this. Please Gary, just go to bed." My mom pleads trying to get him away from us.
"You don't tell me what to do you dumb b*tch" he slurred before slapping her across the face with force. Tears start falling from her eyes, and I want nothing more than to run over to her, and give her a hug to make her feel better, but Justin stops me warning that it would make things worse.
"Shut up slut!" He yells loudly, and grabs her arm yanking her close to him just to smack her again.
I started crying louder, and his attention was brought from mom to us. "Quiet down you little brat!" he screamed, and Justin covered my mouth trying to shut me up, but only making me scream harder.
"Shut that kid up b*tch!" he screamed at my mom pointing to me. She ran over to us in the corner, and desperately tried to make me quiet my screams. I keep screaming, and he roughly pulls my mother away from me by the hair making her scream in pain.
Justin puts me behind him in the corner, and I keep crying. "Dad, please don't hurt him. He's scared. He doesn't mean to cry." Justin begs still blocking me from his furry.
Just then he is torn away from me by the arm, and I am left by myself in the corner crying. My mom tries to get to me, but can't.
Then I am picked up, and screamed at for what felt like hours and he even tries to hit me at one point, but my mom stops him, and yells for Justin to call the police.
-Present day-
That night my dad was carried away in hand-cuffs, and I haven't seen him since. He wasn't in jail for longer than a night, but my mom won the battle for full custody. I know that he lives in an apartment on the other side of town, and Justin tells me that he stopped drinking. I don't care though. He hit my mom, and tried to hit us on multiple occasions. I hate him!
Justin tells me that he was diagnosed with chronic depression, and that he is on medication, and I can tell that I am just like him. I may have not been diagnosed, but normal people don't feel like this. There is nothing I fear more in this world than turning out like him, an abusive husband and father who can't step away from a bottle long enough to realize he is hurting everyone around him.
Of course there were good times. He actually taught me how to skate and ride a bike, but that doesn't change the fact that he made our lives a living hell.
I get out of the shower, and realize that I spent way too much time ruminating in the past when I should have been getting ready for hockey practice.
I quickly throw on some clothes, and find my phone which of course had several messages from Dallas telling me to get my butt outside. I grab my hockey bag, and rush out the door to see that Dallas is waiting in his car. I quickly throw my bag in the back seat, and sit in the passenger seat.
"What took so long Rookie? And what's up with your face?" Dallas asks me with an obvious annoyance.
"I'm sorry dude. I was running late this morning, and I fell yesterday."
"Well, get on track! Coach is gonna flip if we're late." He says pulling out of the driveway carelessly almost causing us to get hit by another car.
He speeds to the rink where we rush to the locker room. We get our gear on quickly, and make it out just in time for the first drill.
"Saunders, Dallas, Why are you so late?" The coach yells at us.
"Sorry coach Saunders was taking his sweet time getting ready this morning." Dallas says throwing me under the bus, and causing the coach to glare at me.
I swallow deeply. "Sorry, won't happen again." I say nervously.
"Better not! We took a chance putting you on this team Saunders. Do not let us down!" He screams as I get on to the ice.
This is why I get stressed. There is so much pressure for me to do well at everything, and It kills me inside. I do the drills with the rest of team, and Coach Davidson gives us a speech about working hard, and getting ready for our first game. When we are dismissed he pulls me off to the side telling me that I am the person carrying the team, and even if I am young I need to work harder than everyone else. More pressure!
I get into the locker room, and start stripping myself of my hockey gear.
"So Rook, your step sister's friend, she's… cute!" Dallas says with a grin.
"I guess so. I haven't really looked too hard." I say thinking about Alli and realizing that she is really pretty, but not really my type.
"I was thinking that I would ask her out. Do you know if she's single?" he asks me quizzically.
"Umm… no, but she's leaving on Wednesday to go home." I say reminding him that she isn't from here.
"Well then I better move fast. You're going to invite me over today right?" Dallas asks me expecting I'll say yes.
"Sorry Dallas we are going to Whimsy world today." I say breaking the news. "Even better, I have a season pass. What time should I be there?" he asks me obviously quite smitten with Alli.
"I don't know noon… Are you sure man? She's leaving in three days she might want to spend her time here with Clare." I point out causing Dallas to think for a minute. "Man, your cool with Clare right?" Dallas asks me desperately, and I nod back at him. "Maybe we could go on a like a double date, but not really a date for you guys. We can hang out, and I can get to know Alli…" he says in an obviously dazed mind set.
"Dallas, you don't even know if she's available for sure, maybe it's not a good idea." I mention trying to talk him out of getting involved with a girl who lives so far away.
"There's something about her though. I can't stop thinking about her." He says staring at the wall, but probably thinking about Alli.
I raise an eyebrow at him, but he doesn't notice. "You're not gonna let me say no, are you?" I ask knowing the answer even before he nods his head enthusiastically.
"Fine!" I say in a defeated tone "If she says yes, I'll go on your little 'double date', but nothing crazy!"
A smile comes across Dallas's face, and it is obvious that Alli has made her mark on him, even with such a brief conversation.
"What is this I see? Is Mike Dallas, player of all players thinking about one girl for longer than a minute?" Owen butts in sarcastically.
"I know, I have no idea what's wrong with me?" he says pulling his t-shirt over his head. "Ready to go Rook?" He asks me knowing that I am standing there waiting for him. "Yeah, whenever you are." I answer back with a nod.
"Milligan, Baker, you need a ride?" Dallas asks his other friends on the team.
"Nah, my mom's coming to get me." Luke says walking out of the locker room.
"Oooo, your mommy's coming!" Owen says teasingly as he exits. "Yeah, I could use a ride" he says afterward finally answering the question. "k, you ready cause we're leaving?" Dallas asks Owen as he grabs his own hockey duffel. Owen follows us out of the locker room and into Dallas's Car where he sits in the front seat. They decide to blare hardcore rap music the whole way home, and it gives me a headache.
When we pull up to my house I thank Dallas for the ride, and walk through the door to see everyone eating breakfast at the table.
I pull up an extra chair from the corner, and sit with them because I am kind of hungry after 2 hours of practice drills.
"Hey Cam how was practice?" my mom asks with a smile.
"It was fine." I say before grabbing a slice of bacon from a plate in the middle of the table.
When we all finish eating which is minutes after got there, we start getting ready for Whimsy World.
I walk out of my room, wearing a different pair of shorts and t-shirt, and see Clare standing in front of the hallway mirror applying some sort of makeup. She was wearing those short shorts again, the ones that make me crazy. She looks beautiful all the time, and she is so sweet and caring. Why can't I just have her? I ask myself knowing full well why.
I shake out of my thought, and walk into the kitchen where I see Randall in a suit. "Not going with us?" I ask him curiously. "Nope, I have a work luncheon at one, but I might come down afterward.
I nod thinking that his response was fine. It doesn't bother me that he won't be there, until I consider the fact that that means I will be forced to spend all day with my mom.
I like Randall. He is a nice guy, and he doesn't drink. I see that my mom is happy with him, and who am I to get in the way of that? From what I can tell he likes us. Mom had boyfriends that really didn't care for me at all, so he was definitely an improvement from them. He talks to me a lot actually, and even if Justin doesn't really like our mom dating at all, I don't mind it.
I wasn't ever alive when things were good with my dad in the house, and sometimes I think that it's my fault that everything turned out the way it did, but then I remember that it's okay because we are all better off.
"Hey Cam, if it's okay with you I'm probably not going to stay the whole time. I have to go grocery shopping, and you know how I get with the rides. You'll stay with Clare and Alli won't you?" My mom asks clearly thinking that she is letting me down when in fact, I couldn't be happier. I can walk around with people my age, and not be laughed at for still going to Whimsy World with my mom.
"Of course I'll stay with them." I say with a smile before walking out of the kitchen. I look at the analog clock on the wall, and realize that it is almost noon, and everyone is just about ready. Well I must be good at estimating time.
Five minutes later we are in the car, and on our way to the small park. We get there, and my mom parks the car as close to the entrance as she can, but because it is a Sunday we are still pretty far away.
I walk with my drawstring backpack next to my mom while Clare and Alli follow behind slowly.
"Cam, I'm going to just get you guys your tickets and go. I'll give you some money for lunch, but I have to get those groceries." She says as we walk in to the park entrance. "Okay mom!" I say getting into the line formed at the ticket booth.
Alli and Clare and I get our wrist bands, and my mom leaves handing me a twenty for lunch for all of us. "Text me when you're ready to go home guys!" she waves as she walks out, and we are left standing there awkwardly until I feel a buzzing in my pocket.
It's a text message from Dallas that reads "Hey are you here?"
I text him back "Yeah by the entrance."
It takes barely two minutes for Dallas to walk over to us. "Hey, sup man?" He says as if he wasn't expecting to see me.
"Oh not much, just hanging out!" I reply playing along. "So Dallas, you wanna hang with us? It's always easier to do rides in even numbers?" I ask him pulling out the best excuse I could think of.
"Sure thing" he says thanking me with his eyes. "As long as I get to ride with this beautiful lady." He says gesturing to Alli, and causing her to smile.
"No can do. I call dibs!" Clare says linking arms with Alli. "Well, maybe just a few rides." Alli says smiling at him, and freeing her arm from Clare.
"Okay, way to ditch me?" Clare says as Alli and Dallas flirt with each other grossly and walk further into the park.
She walks up next to me and sighs in disbelief. "It's okay Clare. You've got me to ride with." I say happily patting her on the back.
"Oh, I feel so much better!" she says sarcastically starting to follow Alli and Dallas.
"Well sorry I'm not good enough for you!" I say in a jokingly hurt tone.
"Well I didn't mean it like that! I just thought she would want to hang out with me." Clare says as we pace behind Alli and Dallas.
"I know how you meant it. You hate me." I say in a humorous tone.
"I do not hate you. I just feel like Alli is always ditching me for boys." Clare says annoyed.
"Oh Chill, you'll have your chance to blow her off for boys." I say teasingly, and making a smile appear across her face.
We keep following Alli and Dallas until they stop in front of the old wooden roller coaster, and get in line. "Guess we're riding this." I say gesturing to the coaster, and letting Clare walk in front of me in the line unenthused. When we board the ride Clare and I sit in the seats in front of Alli and Dallas, and they just will not stop flirting. I feel bad that Clare is being blown off by her friend, and even worse that it's kind of my fault.
When the coaster starts, and we go up the first hill Clare is just sitting there next to me pouting, but when the ride is over and we are getting off she looks like she is having a lot more fun.
We walk next to the flirty pair now, and to my surprise they actually acknowledge our existence.
"What do you guys want to ride next?" Dallas asks the three of us, but mostly talking to the girls. "I don't care, just nothing too spinny" Alli says making spinning motions with her finger.
"How about the haunted house ride?" Dallas asks her pointing to the attraction.
"Ooo yeah" Alli says excitedly running to the start of the line grabbing Dallas's hand. Clare and I once again follow behind, and she looks uneasy.
"Are you scared?" I ask her leaning against the metal railing guiding the line.
"No of course not" she denies obviously lying. "Clare I rode this when I was two you have nothing to be afraid of." I tell her reassuringly.
"I said that I'm not scared." She adds defensively. "Okay" I say putting my hands up. I Find myself staring at her, and have to stop thinking about how adorable she looks when she's angry at me.
When we reach the front of the line, we decide that once again I am riding with Clare, and I am completely content with that. She is after all a lot prettier than Dallas, and I am anticipating a very frightened Clare when the loud horn blows at the end.
We get on to the ride, and it starts into the first area. It is not at all scary until we get to the part where things jump out at you, and having been on this ride at least a billion times I just watch all of Clare's reactions, and she is frightened by everything that jumps out. At one point she even digs her head into my shoulder, until she realizes who we are and why it's wrong. I laugh at her when the final horn blows, and she jumps three feet in the air.
"Well that wasn't fun!" she says as we exit the cart. "I don't know, I thought it was pretty amusing!" I say laughing at her.
"You suck!" She says pushing me, and I just grin at her beauty.
We find Alli and Dallas quickly, and continue walking around the park riding miscellaneous rides. At one point we decide to ride the pirate ship ride that swings back and forth. "Clare?" a black haired boy says from behind her while she yaps enthusiastically about how much fun she is having.
She turns around, and backs toward me noticing how close she is standing to the guy. "Hi Eli!" she says excitedly biting her lip and running her finger through her hair.
"Fancy seeing you here." He says grinning at her. Eli? Is this the same Eli who pushed her into a fountain? The same guy who Alli says she has the hots for? By the way she is flirting my thinking is confirmed, and I can't help but feel jealous.
They keep talking, Clare not paying any attention to Alli, Dallas, or me and him completely ignoring his friends. They are looking at each other like they are the only people here, and it makes my stomach queasy. I stare at a tree until Clare taps my shoulder. "You wouldn't mind if I rode with Eli would you?" she asks me grinning.
I swallow loudly "No, no go ahead." I say trying to hide my disapointment. Why does she have to like someone else? I mean sure…maybe I still love Maya, but she will never take me back after finding another girls bra in my room, and I like Clare too. She is so easy to talk to, and so beautiful. We have fun together, and that will all change the minute this Eli guy asks her out.
I decide to just sit this one out, and watch as Eli and Clare have a great time. When they get off Clare and Eli are still talking and she is touching his arm, and looking at him longingly. I just can't look anymore; it's killing me so I start walking off on my own.
I find myself sitting alone on the ground watching all of the happy people pass by. Much to my dismay I notice that Maya is here with our once mutual friends Tori, Tristan, and Zig. Seeing them all together just confirms my suspicions that my friends from middle school probably all hate me, and why shouldn't they? I am a terrible person. I feel my eyes tear up at the realization that everything is going wrong. I have very few real friends left. I like two girls, and both want nothing to do with me, and my dad who I hate is trying to get back into my life.
I detect eyes staring me, and look up to see that the four people that were once my best friends watching me cry giving me wicked looks. The only one who looks the least bit forgiving is Maya, and that is probably because she knows about some of my past with self- harm.
I get up quickly, and wipe my eyes before walking away not wanting them to stare any longer. I find a place to sit in one of the parks few smoking sections that are almost never occupied, and continue pondering my screwed up life.
I feel my phone buzzing and suspect that it is either Dallas or Clare asking where I am, but instead it is Maya.
"Are you okay? Where are you? Can we talk?" the text reads.
I smile through my tears at the text. Even if she is just scared that I'll hurt myself, it makes me happy to hear from her. It has been a week since she stormed out of my house completely disgusted with me, and I miss her a lot.
I text back "Not really, near the Ferris wheel, and definitely" It takes seconds for her to come into my line of view, and all I want is to run, and give her a hug. I refrain from running over to her knowing she has to still be mad at me.
She sits down next to me on the bench. "Cam…" she says in a worried tone, and I look up at her with my tear filled eyes. "What's wrong?" she asks me concerned.
"Everything." I say sniffling. She grabs my hand, and looks at my arm and furrows her brow when she moves my arm band and sees the fresh cuts. "Talk to me!" she says sincerely bringing my hand to her lap.
I gulp loudly, and look at her sadly. "I don't even know where to start." I say holding back tears in my eyes.
"Cam, I'm worried about you." She says in a sweet and understanding tone that makes me wonder why she cares. "I really miss you M, and I'm so sorry." I tell her sincerely.
"I miss you too Cheesy." She smiles at me. "Now tell me why you did this?" she asks grabbing my arm gently. These moments are what I miss most about Maya. I have always been able to talk to her, and even when I did something so terrible, she still cares about me.
"My dad… he has been trying to see me all summer, and now Justin is talking to him and lobbying for me to talk to him too. No one understands that I just don't want to see him." I say letting tears fall from my eyes.
She doesn't say anything in return; instead she opens her arms, and hugs me. I am surprised that she is being so sweet after all the pain I have caused her. She had said the last time I saw her that she never wanted to speak to me again, and I don't blame her. I guess she changed her mind, and I thank gosh that she is here to comfort me because of everything that is going on. She just holds onto me for a while, and I take in the sweet smell of jasmine in her hair that I have missed so much as I lean on her shoulder.
"I love you Maya." I say still hugging her, but as soon as I do she pulls away. I had never actually told her I loved her because my brother had always told me it would be ridiculous.
"W-What did you just say?" she asks pushing her hair behind her ear, and listening to me carefully. At this moment I got really nervous, and remembered that we are technically broken up.
"I said… that I… I love you." I say uncertainly. She looks at me awkwardly, and get up stiffly "i have to go… See you when school starts." She sighs, and walks away into the distance. Why did I just say that to her? I am such an idiot. I can't just cheat on her, and then say that.
She's never going to give me a chance ever again, and I have to deal with that. I have to deal by moving on. It does help a lot that she doesn't seem nearly as mad anymore, but she still ran when I used the L word, and I can't say that I wouldn't do the same in her situation. I look at my phone again, and realize that I have more texts that I didn't notice receiving.
"Where are you?" reads a text from Clare. "Dude, where did you go?" another from Dallas reads. I respond to the text from Dallas saying that I am by the Ferris wheel. He responds by telling me to meet them at the bumper cars, and I start toward them. When I get there, the sun is starting to set, and the lights for the rides turn on.
"Cam, where were you?" Clare asks me. "Have you been crying?" she asks once she is close enough to see my face in the dim light of the bumper cars ride.
"Yeah, but I'm fine." I say wiping my eyes one more time before Alli and Dallas walk over to me.
"Where's Eli?" I ask Clare in an obviously aggravated tone. "He went home. What's wrong?" she asks me concerned.
"Nothing. I am absolutely fine! Happy even. Look" I say curtly giving her a really big fake smile.
"Dude, calm down." Dallas says watching me freak out at Clare.
"Sorry… I didn't mean to freak out at anyone." I say sincerely. I really didn't mean to be so short with Clare. It's not her fault Maya didn't return the "I love you", and it wasn't her fault that she didn't like me. It just is upsetting. Like I said, my life is going crazy. I take a deep breath, and suddenly feel a lot calmer.
"What next guys?" I ask anxiously rubbing my hands together.
"Well… I was thinking we could take them on the sky ride, and then the Ferris wheel… maybe play a few games before heading home?"
"Sounds like fun." Alli adds staring at Dallas in admiration. I can't help, but wonder if he has asked her out yet, but guess that he probably did.
We start toward the sky ride which is relatively close to the bumper cars, and of course, I end up riding with Clare. Since the sky ride is kind of slow and not a thrill ride, Clare tries to talk to me.
"So, where did you run off to?" she asks me curiously. "I wasn't feeling well, and I ran into Maya… I told her that I was sorry, and that I loved her. She was acting friendly until I told her that I love her." I say ranting.
"Oh… I'm sorry." She says awkwardly, and I can tell she doesn't know what to say. I sigh loudly before looking at her. "So I imagine that you want to know what happened yesterday." I say completely prepared to tell her about my father.
"Kind of… you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." She replies hesitantly.
"I hate my dad. He is a total jerk. He beat my mom for years, and he's an alcoholic." I say forwardly. I figure that it's easier to talk to Clare about my hatred toward my dad rather than my love of Maya, and I am right.
"So, he wants to see you again?" She asks trying to get some clarity on the situation.
"Yeah" I say nodding. "But I don't want to see him."
"Well, it's your choice. Why is Justin trying to pressure you into talking to him?" she asks with curiosity in her tone.
"I guess that he thinks I should give him a chance to be my dad because he's sober, but I don't need a father and I never will."I say trying my best to think of Justin's motivation behind it.
"That sucks." She says with a frown. "And if you ever need a dad, I'm pretty sure mine prefers you to me." She says with a smile breaking the awkwardness.
"Oh Clare, that is not even remotely true. Randall never stopped talking about you before you got here. It actually got pretty annoying, but then you got here, and I could see that surprisingly you are just as great as he always said." I say teasingly.
"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" she asks me in a sarcastic tone.
"Yes… yes it is." I say as we get off of the ride.
I get a call from my mom asking if we are ready to leave, and then Dallas offers to give us a ride home. "Be home before eleven" my mom says after I tell her we don't need her to come get us.
"K, will do" I reply before we hang up. We end up skipping the Ferris wheel, and going right to the games. Dallas wins Alli a bear, and that is when he takes the opportunity to ask her out. She says "yes", and Clare gives her a menacing look."… but only if Clare comes along." She finishes causing Dallas to look at me questioning if I was still down for the "double date" idea he had suggested earlier. I nod, and he makes the suggestion to the girls, and Alli quickly agrees before Clare has any chance to object.
When we finally get home it is ten, and I am more than certain we are all exhausted from a day of fun, and craziness. I shower quickly, and pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow.