As always, I don't own these characters. They belong to Meg Cabot.
January 2
Helen's
A new year, a new semester.
And the same old depressed Mia.
I had Dido's "White Flag" on repeat for the whole miserable plane ride back to New York.
And I just hate it. I hate just sitting around and stewing. And hating myself. I can't wait until this term begins.
It's not like thinking about him is going to get him back for me. It's not like even if I did see him I'd know what to say to him. Nothing can fix this. We are two people who are too different.
The minute I got back I dragged Helen to get ice cream with me and we exchanged vacation stories; Franklin brought Helen to meet his family. Thankfully, she survived and actually charmed a few Gianinis along the way.
We went for a walk through Central Park. She didn't make me talk, which was nice.
I was tempted to. I just wanted to explode and dump on her all the crap that I felt. But I was just terrified of what she would say. If, when I told her that Michael had found me such a despicable person, she'd shift uncomfortably and imply that she felt the same.
But when we got back to the apartment, she simply told me that she was glad I was back.
And that was nice.
She can't find me despicable if she's glad I'm back, right?
January 5
Starbuck's
Today is his birthday.
A completely useless fact to remember, given the current circumstances.
Will I always remember his birthday? The birthday of all my ex-boyfriends?
Granted, Roddy and I were not together long enough to even think of birthdays and the like. But I really do wonder if five years from now I'll be in Parliament and I'll just suddenly remember: Today's Michael's birthday.
And I wonder if that fact will make me feel as crappy as it makes me feel now.
I can't begrudge the man a birthday. What kind of cruel person would I be?
It's just...at this point, I strive not to think of him. But then details like birthdays come up and I remember.
With classes starting, I have lots of things to think about. And I keep myself as distracted as possible.
But when there's that passing remark, like "Oh, you know, Michael says that blah..." or "Oh, that's just Michael's..." at the Moscovitzs', or when I'm with Helen and she inadvertently mentions him: "oh...didn't we go there a few months ago with Michael?"
Those hurt.
And nobody means to hurt me. But they come out. Because Michael is still technically a part of my life. Even if he is miles and miles away.
January 7
Library
Not even back for a full week and I'm already buried under more problem sets.
I suppose I asked for it.
January 9
Helen's
Maddy's here and I have no idea what to do.
I have three problem sets to do this weekend, one of which promises to be a huge headache. I really really need to sit down with the quantum notes and textbook and just read things over and over until I get it all straight.
And here she is, with tickets to the Met for tonight and she's just tempting me away...
I know she's doing this because she cares. She was rather hurt that she had to find out from a magazine that Michael and I had split.
So I would like to spend time with her. Because I feel terrible that I didn't even think to call and tell her about what had happened.
But I'm in college and in the middle of yet another challenging busy term. Buying tickets for a Tuesday night performance is not a good idea. Why didn't she go for Friday or Saturday? Or a matinee on Sunday?
I just don't know what to tell her.
I suspect I'll be going to the Opera tonight.
Later
Helen's
I tried to relax. Instead, I just sat there stewing over my classes. It was "Die Zauberflote": one of my favorite operas and I just couldn't enjoy it.
Neither was dinner very comfortable. Maddy said a number of things that made me uncomfortable. Namely, a full critique of my ex-boyfriend.
We used to do it for all her exes. It would be cathartic and she'd feel so much better having proven that her ex at the time was clearly so unworthy of her.
And yet, when she started on Michael, I just...
I think she was disappointed in me. She tried to give me a pep talk on moving on, and how Michael was clearly not the one for me from the very beginning.
He is unsuitable, she said.
And my burned pride basked in the glow of her defense of me.
But I stewed in my shame as I wondered if she realized just how unsuitable I was for him.
I just couldn't talk to her. So I simply let her babble for me, stew for me, boil for me.
But when she suggested we ought to go to London and forget Michael this weekend and find me someone to just "have fun" with I politely declined.
Because I don't want to "have fun" with just anyone.
January 14
Helen's
Can no one leave me alone?
Grandmere arrived today and commanded my presence at dinner.
Dinner with her, Patrick Lundweig, and his parents, to be exact.
Was it not enough that I smiled disinterestedly while at home for the holidays? Does she not realize that I just don't want to be with anyone? That I'm still hurting?
I don't even think she believes I need time to hurt. As if I didn't feel...anything for Michael. It's as if she expects me to throw myself in whole-heartedly to picking out a new escort.
As if I always need one, now that I've had one.
I was as courteous as I could be during dinner this evening. Patrick and I had interesting and polite conversation throughout the meal. We danced for a bit when Grandmere suggested it.
But when Grandmere suggested I take tomorrow afternoon to show Patrick New York, I politely declined, speaking honestly that I had entirely too much work to do.
Is no one taking my studies seriously but me?
January 18
Limo
I do love Grandmere, but when will she go away?
Maybe she worries that I'll choose another unsuitable.
She shouldn't worry. Really.
I've been feeling incredibly anti-relationship. Anti-consort.
I daydream of being another Virgin Queen. Elizabeth I never married and look at how effective she was as a ruler. My father never wed, and he seems to be doing perfectly fine.
Rene is bound to get married at some point. I can always settle the throne on his children.
So now when she suggests I clear my schedule for dinner, I decline. I have better things to do with my time.
To be quite honest, even if Michael wanted to be with me now, I wouldn't want to be with him.
Later
Helen's
Liar, Amelia!
January 21
Helen's
Quantum sucks.
Progress: I've stopped despising myself. And despising people in general.
January 24
Quantum
I miss him.
January 31
Library
I have no business in being a chemistry major; I really really suck at quantum.
And Franklin cannot help me this time.
February 14
Helen's
I was wrong; it's not just quantum. Everything sucks.
February 15
Ben
& Jerry's
Still haven't recovered, but I forced myself to attend classes today and adhere to my regular schedule, if only to pretend for a while that things were ok.
But I couldn't keep my focus on anything.
And I can't help but feel frustrated; how is someone to keep up good grades when everything is just falling apart inside?
Having dinner with Lilly, Michael, and Michael's new girlfriend was not on my agenda for yesterday when I went to the Moscovitzs' for my session.
But that is, indeed, how I spent the most romantic evening of the year.
Why is it that every time I see him I feel worse? I always imagined that with every subsequent meeting, the awkwardness, the pain would die away. That time would just...seal it up and I'd be able to look at him without longing, without...
But seeing Michael yesterday night was like taking my broken heart, peeling away the protective layer of plastic I had barely managed to get on over it, and dipping it into it a vat of salt.
It was that painful.
Michael's new girlfriend, Emily, is a nice smart graduate student in math. She went to the University of Michigan for her undergraduate; she grew up in Illinois. She's moderately tall, with big, bright green eyes and soft auburn hair.
And save her hideous sense of fashion, she seems to be perfect in every single way.
And I know it doesn't matter what she wears, but the petty pithy part of me has to find some flaw.
When we got back to Lilly's room, Lilly tried to get me to talk with her. I know she's been waiting for me to tell her about what happened, but I just can't do it yet. I can't tell her what her brother said to me, I can't tell her the whole mortifying story.
And so she just told me she had no idea that Michael would want to come back to New York for Valentine's Day.
I'm heartbroken. I can't begin to describe how...how deep my heart sank. And burned.
I can't pretend he doesn't deserve a girlfriend. I was far more involved in this than he was.
I know I've dwelt on him a long time. I know I should move on. I know that I should just stop whining. I am only relieved that I don't whine half as much in real life as I do here.
But I can't help it. It won't go away. I see him and I hurt. I hear his voice and I yearn.
And when I don't see him, I wonder.
And this isn't healthy; I have exams, classes, and all sorts of strange little engagements I get last-minute notice on.
Tomorrow night will be another classic example; Father has engaged me to go to a hospital gala with him.
And I know I can't feel beautiful. I've tried for the past two months. I can't feel beautiful, or social, or fun.
I'd rather bury myself under textbooks.
February 17
Library
Be careful what you wish for.
I HATE QUANTUM.
Stop it, Amelia. The exam's been taken.
And though I don't want to worry...well...this class is absolutely terrible!
February 24
Quantum
How is it that I got a passing grade on this exam?
Elated. I am elated.
There is good in this world.
It's staring me in the face in the form of a B- marked in red.
Not only passing. Yes indeed. A B-. On Quantum. One of the most hideous chemistry courses ever.
And yes, involving math.
See, Amelia? See what you can accomplish when you focus on your studies?
Well, it helps that everybody in the class did terrible on the exam. But never mind that. I can triumph for a little.
March 3
Helen's
I just look forward to spring break. A nice restful week. Grandmere and Father want me to go back to Genovia, but I think I'll stay here. When I told them my intentions, they thought of coming here and dragging me out, but I put my foot down. I want to just sit. Relax. Read a few books. Non-chemistry ones.
I felt guilty demanding this time to myself; I don't see Father or Grandmere half as often as I should. But I need this time to myself.
March 14
Helen's
Michael had a cold, but he's better now.
And I was doing so well not thinking of him, not dwelling.
I like to think that I was healing.
Well, I was getting pretty good at distracting myself, that's for sure.
But then something like this happens and it just...
It feels like being doused in cold water. You just jolt and can't get yourself together quickly. You stand there, shocked. And cold. Shivering.
It's stupid, really. He had a cold. And then he got better. So what?
But he had a cold. And he got better.
And I hadn't thought about him in quite some time. I mean it!
Maybe a passing thought once a day.
But really, I was on the road to recovery. I had devoted myself to my classes and was focused.
Oh, how am I supposed to take on my econ midterm tomorrow? I can't study right now!
March 19
Helen's
Two more days, and then spring break!
Just finish this stupid paper, Amelia.
But just can't help it if I'm unmotivated.
I was much more efficient at writing when I was going to Boston. Maybe it was the MIT libraries. Maybe it was the constant guilt. Maybe it was because he was always working too...
...leave it, Amelia.
March 23
Helen's
And a breath of air.
And it occurs to me now: I can't go back.
Not any more.
He's with someone else.
I know. It was more than a month ago. How stupid and dense can I be?
I can blame it on classes, but to be quite honest, I think it was denial. I just couldn't face it then. I could be pissed off and just stew in...I don't know. I just...it just didn't hit me this way.
It hurt when I saw him with her. A lot.
But...but now it occurs to me. She's not another Myra Pennyworth, or a me. She's someone special.
Some he'll take seriously.
And want to be with. For a long, long time.
And that hurts me infinitely more.
Move on. It is really time to move on. I can't just...
But I can move on to no one, right? I can wait until I think I'm ready again.
But I can't go back.
Not that I think he would have had me, at any rate.
March 24
Helen's
So, it started when I helped Helen with her recent project today. I helped cut out articles.
Not newspaper articles. Just articles. A. An. The.
My fingers are really really tired from cutting out these insipid letters.
But we had a good time. We talked a bit about classes. New York in the spring.
And then she asked me how I would feel if she and Franklin got married.
First, I was excited for her.
And then, I was surprised she asked me. Because it really is none of my business, except that instead just Franklin living in our apartment, we'd have Franklin's stuff too.
And then it occurred to me: Franklin is the first man my mother will marry after my Father.
And when it occurred to me I shifted awkwardly.
Because really, I don't remember that. As long as I've been alive, I've hardly ever seen my mother.
And now she was asking me...
And I was really touched.
"I think it'd be a great idea," I told her honestly. "And I'm flattered that you asked me."
To which she blushed and moved away to clean paintbrushes.
And then I pushed her forward and asked her about wedding details.
They're eloping to Las Vegas!
And it startled me how much I've changed, because a year ago I would have been up in arms and telling her that her behavior was not becoming of a woman who was the mother of the Princess of Genovia.
But really, her eyes were shining and it sounded adventurous, exciting, and just...so remarkably Helen.
She wants me to go with her and Frank! And be her bridesmaid!
They're going this weekend.
Short notice, but I was just sitting around anyway.
So I agreed!
It's just so...great. I'm just so very happy for them right now. And I can't wait to see them get married!
Helen and I are going to go out and buy a dress tomorrow. Because I still think that is essential.
Later
Helen's
Oh GOD. WHAT IS FATHER GOING TO THINK!
I mean, I don't think he's in love with her anymore.
But still. I mean. They had a child. And he's fond of her.
I want to bring it up with Helen. But I'm afraid to.
But I have a right, yes? He's my father! I love him! And I don't want him to hurt.
But I want to see Helen happy. And this marriage would make her happy.
GAH.
March 25
Helen's
She's already told him. She's already told him and he's happy. And he's also coming.
I found out over the kitchen table this evening, when I asked her if we were going to book plane tickets.
She answered, "We can't fly commercial, Mia. You're the princess of a country. It's not very safe to just stick you on a plane with a bunch of strangers."
And so I was shuddering at the prospect of a road trip when she went on to say, "I've already talked it over with Philippe. He's coming with us, and we're taking the royal plane."
And I just stared at her.
Did the whole country of Genovia know that she was getting married that weekend, then?
She laughed before I could even ask. "He's telling them it's for recreational use. Besides, he's flown me and Frank everywhere in that thing to see you."
"So...he doesn't mind?" I had to ask.
And Helen just then realized how stressed out I was over the whole ordeal and she immediately apologized. "Oh, Mia, I didn't mean for you to get so worked up about it! Yes! He knows! I told him before I told you."
"...and?"
"And he's happy. Mia, believe it or not, your father and I are friends and love each other very much."
And I got that warm and fuzzy feeling again.
It may be slightly strange, but I really do love my family.
But enough of that! Bookings! Hotels! Honeymoons! More dress shopping!
I might add that dress shopping with Helen is one of the most difficult tasks ever. It should not come as a surprise that our fashion tastes are in direct opposition.
It is her wedding, though, so she gets to choose. But every time she looks at me insecurely and asks me honestly what I think, well. I'm honest.
March 27
Plane, en route to Las Vegas
So extremely confused and in a state of suspense.
Was on the limo with Father and Helen and Frank when I got a phone call from...Michael.
And I nearly dropped my cell phone when I first heard his voice, because this was the first time he'd ever called me (aside from the "Ok I'm done coding, let's eat" calls).
And with my heart in my mouth (I felt that sick with nerves at that moment!) I asked him how he was and we made insipid comments for the prerequisite two minutes before he moved on to what he actually called for.
And he told me that he'd like to meet with me.
At which I almost dropped the phone again.
Father, Helen, and Frank were all watching me curiously at this point so I shifted uncomfortably and turned towards to window to try to gain some privacy.
And I told him that I was unfortunately leaving town today and would not be back until Sunday morning.
To which he asked if I'd be up for ice cream on Sunday afternoon.
Yeah. There's a shocker. He asked to meet with me. For ice cream.
I agreed, of course. I mean, he was polite and somewhat serious so I'm guessing that he actually wants to talk with me about something serious.
Does he want to get back together with me?
Or maybe he and Emily are eloping to Paris and want me to be the bridesmaid?
It is so tempting to let this ruin my trip. Absolutely ruin it.
Father and Helen have already been shooting me careful inquisitive looks and simply asking me nonchalantly if things were "all right".
And well, they are. Right? My mother is getting married to a wonderful man. My father is happy for them. I can imagine a lot of things that could be worse.
So I can't let Michael ruin my mother's wedding for me. I can't.
Please, Amilia. Just try. For everybody.