A/N: thanks once again to everyone who has read over this followed/ faved it is much appreciated. And now i must give Kudos, props, thanks, to spectre117 for help with this chapter...take a bow my man... Nice melodic song with this chapter enjoy

Taproot

"The Everlasting"

It's 8am and her blood's still warm, the radio choke's out my favorite song, i hear sirens they sing along...

(Through the walls) my pulse is pumping to the beat outside, a violent screaming rise and shine waves of helplessness reach to the sky...(with heartbreak eyes)

And as the walls around come crashing down i ask myself how am i still around

It's easy it's beautiful it's simple the everlasting Sunday glow~

I won't let you in... don't push me away

I turn the music up a little more trying to drown out what's in store there's a battle raging right outside my door...

(it's all over) head downstairs empty table the tv glares a criminal has been declared..beware

And as the walls around come crashing down i ask myself how am i still around

It's easy it's beautiful, it's simple, the everlasting Sunday glow~

I won't let you in time and time and time again we seem to break before we bend

It's easy, it's beautiful, it's simple, the everlasting Sunday glow~

I won't let you in... So don't push me away

Shepard stands in the psychiatrists room gazing outside, looking through the window at the view, her physical wounds mostly healed only some scars remain. Her tired green eyes filled with guilt and grief, red from crying for the last hour or so, again, trying to concentrate on anything other than the images that her mind continues to push at her, all the while knowing she needs to remember. At least that is what her therapist told her. "Remember the small things and start from the beginning then slowly everything will fall into place". Words of wisdom from Dr. Gallagher the resident "head shrink" at the hospital she was currently 'stuck in'. Shepard is trying to recover physically, mentally and emotionally. The latter being the hardest to overcome.

She continues to have to remind herself that the war is over the reapers are gone, destroyed by what she did on the Crucible. That's what she had been told anyway and it was done with the help of a galaxy wide army and her crew of the Normandy. She remembers some parts of what happened at the end but there are too many blanks in her recount of the last push to the beam for her liking and she can't figure out what thoughts that are real and what her mind is making up. The last nightmare she had, were the hardest as she had visions of Captain Anderson walking into her room of the hospital she was recovering in saying "you did good child" just to have Admiral Hacket tell her a few moments ago that he had been killed.

The illusive man also haunted this last nightmare, he was standing at the end of her bed, saying he could control the reapers as the indoctrination continues to take over his mind and he won't let her destroy them. Only for him to disappear, closing her eyes tight screaming out loud that he isn't real, feeling arms snake around her to comfort her only for everything to disappear and once again she is alone. Alone, with her thoughts and it's all she has left, nothing but her mind and memories she doesn't want. This was how her last nightmare started only to be replaced by her and Liaras last night together.

That is the worst part, feeling the comfort of another, the light touches, kisses the faint voices telling her she is safe, then nothing. Her love was dead or so she thought and these feelings of her blue angel embracing her made everything worse. Confusion and heartache set in, the depression is getting worse, she feels like she is falling apart and has nothing left to live for but why is she having these sensations. There has to be some reason she is having these memories of Liara being with her now or is it just her mind not letting go?

Her memories turn once again to the last thing she remembers before initially waking up in the hospital . Running to the beam with her crew behind her, just having destroyed the reaper guarding their destination with the Thannix missiles after battling what seemed to be every abomination that the Reapers could throw at them that was on Earth. It was endless but her crew stood by her side the entire way, absolutely exhausted from the fighting both physically and mentally but they kept going, they had to.

Her thoughts continued after the memory subsides, shaking uncontrollably from the loss she felt.

"So how do you feel? The doctor asks and only one word comes to Shepards mind.

"Failure";

That's all she was, she failed to protect her parents on Mindoir as they were slaughtered by the Batarian slavers that attacked. She failed her fellow marines on Akuze when they were attacked by a swarm of Thresher maws, she failed to convince the council to believe her until it was too late about the Reapers. She failed everyone she ever became close with, one way or the other.

"Fuck…I failed all my friends and family but protecting, helping strangers… that is what I was good at, helping people who I just met." The last words spoken through gritted teeth as she berated herself over and over as she spoke to the human doctor.

"The consort, those Salarians in the tower while trying to recruit Thane, Thane himself, Jack, Jacob, Miranda all people I just met and for what! To gain their trust so I can go on a suicide mission for Cerberus. I sacrificed everything in my life… gave my life for the council and the Alliance just to have them turn away from me. This kid on Omega who wanted to become a merc. I saved the Rachni queen, twice, just so we had more allies in the war." She says looking at a spot in the corner of the room.

When it came down to it though, regarding the people she truly cared about she felt she brought them into this hell and destroyed their lives in some way. Curing the genophage, helping Wrex and Grunt but losing Mordin. Feeling that history would show her as the cause of another krogan rebellion.

Uniting the quarians and the geth but loosing Legion, possibly causing another war. After all she had been fighting against them for five years was a "reboot" really going to stop them? Tali had told her that the Quarians were succesful in bringing some of the Geth back online as their network made it a bit easier espcially since the Quarians created them in the first place. Shepard all but screamed at her Quarian sister when she told her this. Why would they think bringing them back online would be the best course of action?

Not able to help Garrus with his home planet and being numb when she watched Thessia burn. The latter almost destroyed her resolve as she watched Liara crumble.

Once again feeling the tremendous guilt of failing in her mission to gain the information that was hidden there eventually leading Cerberus right to it.

Remembering the comforting words from Liara, hollow words from her love that it wasn't her fault as she tried to hold herself together in front of the crew and tearing into joker as he made his comments how the Asari should have trained more Commandos than strippers, only to feel like she was losing control.

Knowing how her love felt as she knew Earth was suffering the same fate, still feeling horrible about leaving and even worse as she saw each world she went to fall to the reapers only to ask for help for Earths defenses.

Eventually ending the reaper threat only to have all synthetics go offline in the process, the geth as well as EDI; her friend who she had come to admire, an AI learning to have feelings, good and bad. EDI learned to care for someone, everyone on board the ship only to have her "life" snuffed out at Shepard's hands. "I have failed, everyone." she whispered to herself, tears flowing again her body shaking uncontrollably through her sobs as her knees weaken slowly stumbling to the couch. Why did I survive?

Her thoughts turned to her love, to Therum and the rescue mission she headed, to bring the Prothean expert in for questioning, not knowing if she was standing with her mother Benezia and Saren or could she be trusted.

Finally getting to where the prothean expert was, having encased herself in a stasis bubble. A small smile on her face as the memory continued, the instant attraction she had for the Asari hovering in the air. Her voice, which almost made the commander melt when she spoke and pleaded for Shepard's help to get her out of the blue prison she trapped herself in.

Her voice continued to make her come back to visit more and more especially after the doctor told the commander how fascinating she was.

The teasing, about the doctor wanting to dissect Shepard in a lab and the look of utter horror, shock and embarrassment on Liara's face as she realized what she said, then the dark blue blush that came across when Shepard told her she was joking. The constant looks each would give one another from across the room only for one or both of them to look away, realizing they had stared a bit too long.

The realization of her crew about the attraction they had for each other especially Dr. Chakwas. Of course she knew, with as many times that Shepard would visit the Asari in her room in the back of the med bay. How could Chakwas not know?

The medical doctor would just look up from her desk and smile a warm smile as the commander would walk by barely acknowledging the doctor, not wanting to hear any teasing or comments that may have been said, trying not to be embarrassed.

Then the guilt came back for a moment as the thought of ending Benezia's life surfaced. The look on Liara's face as her mother's life slowly escaped, it is a look that will never leave Shepard's mind. The words "Little wing," the last thing said to her daughter only made it worse for Shepard to look in Liara's beutiful eyes. Trying to comfort her after but desperately wanting to distance herself, due to the guilt, to no avail.

Liara forgave her yet never really blamed Shepard, not directly; she blamed Saren for her mother's fall and all but pleaded with the commander not to leave her room that she needed someone to talk to. In secret Liara wanted to spend the rest of the day with the commander and no one else.

Shepard remembers the smile that slowly came back to Liara's face as the commander held her eventually falling asleep in each other's arms.

Shepards thoughts continued on about her beloved Asari;

How her breathing would hitch a little when the prothean expert would look at her and smile.

How the scent of Liara's room would take over the commander's senses, smelling of flowers and a hint of what she could only describe as cinnamon, that Shepard figured out later was Liara's natural scent.

This is what Shepard needed, these memories that made her feel good again, that she was cared for, eventually loved. Her feelings of sadness leaving her replaced with warmth that she craved.

The feelings they had for each other that they eventually admitted, the comfort Liara gave to her when Kaiden died on Virmire. The blame Shepard placed upon her own shoulders that were relieved by Liaras touch and soothing voice, telling her it was not her fault as they sat on the bed in the commanders room;

"Kerry please look at me." Liara gently using her one hand to brush a stray hair behind her ear, loving the feel of the humans shoulder length blonde hair in between her fingers, her other holding onto Shepards shaking hands. The sound of her first name from the beautiful Asari made her forget everything for a moment. Shepard brought her attention to Liaras. Green eyes meeting blue with nothing but affection, understanding, along with a small amount of desire mixed in. "Saren is the cause of all of the tragedy that is happening now, not you. We will get past this tragedy together and continue our hunt for him, stopping him and we will succeed."

The look of defeat started to come back to the commanders face as her decision to save one crew over the other began to chip away at her resolve. "How can you be so sure that we will? What if I have to make another decision like this later on and I can't? What if the decision Im forced to make includes yo…" her voice trailing off, her head turning away looking at a spot on the floor. "I don't think I will be able to… not if it comes to someone I have grown to care about." Her voice barely above a whisper. "Liara, how can I, can we finish this if I know I won't be able to make difficult decisions if and when they come up? What does that say about me as a leader of everyone on this ship, as a spectre? How will they be able to trust me if I can't trust myself to do what is needed?"

Liara slowly knelt in front of Shepard, thier eyes meeting once again.

"Commander, you were chosen for the great honor of becoming a spectre, commanding your own ship and crew, me included, they all see what I see. A woman who is strong willed and gains the attention of everyone around when she walks into a room. You make your presence known and garner respect whether you mean to or not, just by your reputation alone. You have accomplished so much in a short period of time and not just for a human. You have accomplished more than the entire Asari commando force on Thessia and beyond.

Feared by all your enemies as if you had the entire Krogan civilization behind you but it is more than just your military achievements, it is the woman you are. Caring, compassionate yet stern when the time calls for it, everyone will follow you. In a word commander, you are fascinating."

Shepard's mind came back to the present the last few words still brought an immediate red hue to Shepards smiling face. She loved that night, it was then she knew that as much as it scared her they were destined to be together and she was not alone anymore. She had always been distant to everyone around her not wanting to get close for fear of hurting them or her being rejected due to her scarred body and past but at that time she felt home with Liara.

Her thoughts continued remembering the almost kiss that Joker interrupted. Once again Liara was reassuring her and making her realize that she wasn't defeated even if the council had grounded the Normandy.

The time they spent together right before Illos not knowing if they would make it out of the fight with Saren alive yet not caring, just wanting to be with each other as long as they could. How nervous they were, each of them wanting to make the other feel wanted and comfortable. Especially Shepard knowing this was Liara's first time with any kind of intimate contact or meld outside of the ones she had with her mother. Not that Shepard was that experienced, hell she only had a fling with her N7 roommate and that didn't last more than a few weeks.

The feeling of euphoria during their time together as it continued when they woke up in each other's arms not wanting to move.

Shepard's thoughts continue to how Liara's face lit up with excitement while on Illos with all the information on the protheans surrounding them. Even with the Geth trying to stop them, Liara had a look about her that she was in sensory overload with everything 'prothean' that surrounded them. The small feeling of guilt for the Liara when they were forced to leave knowing the doctor wanted to stay and explore.

The final battle with Saren and the decisions she had to make, either save the Destiny Assention and risk losing alliance ships or loose the council and direct all the fire power towards Soverign.

Liara had been right; she would continue to make the tough decisions even if she knew people would die yet her orders would be followed.

Her thoughts moved forward to after the battle as they tended to each other's wounds as they healed. Spending all their shore leave together and loving every moment that they had together, holding each other making love to each other every day until they could barely move.

The annoyance Shepard felt when the council sent her back out after the geth but knowing her crew would still all be with her made her current mission bearable.

Her last thought of confusion when the Normandy was attacked; how could this happen how could I be floating here loosing oxygen? I was lying in bed not ten minutes ago the color blue embracing me. The glorious feeling of liaras breath on my shoulder, moving closer as she wakes me up with a kiss, grabbing a hand full of hair letting it fall from her fingers then grabbing it again tighter as she pulls me in for another kiss…Boom… dressing in an instant running trying to save ship and crew. Pleading with liara to get everyone off the ship letting her know I will be in the next pod after I get Joker. Now I see my crumbling ship in the distance praying that everyone made it off wishing I could see my love again before the inevitable... Nothing.

Waking up to Miranda's voice telling her to move. Wondering if she was still on her ship and where her crew was.

The pain was everywhere and she was barely able to move. Her only thought was whether Liara and the rest of her crew were safe.

Shepard did not want to be here talking but she knew she had to go to Dr. Gallagher's office to speak to her. As much as she hated recounting what she could remember she knew she had to talk to someone to get the images real or not to stop haunting her to try to make some sense of it all.

Shepard had united the galaxy to help her defeat the Reapers so she knew she was needed to come through in the end. There were millions of people of different species counting on her to finish what her and her crew had started a few years ago and knew they all counted on her to get the job done. Just like she did on the citadel with the battle with Saren, the Geth and Soverign, the Collectors, Cerberus, and the final battle with the reapers. Shepard saw it through to the end, finish what she had started or die trying but she made a promise one that she was going to keep. Her love was the only thing keeping her going the only thing keeping her from sacrificing herself to end the war and she had to come back. And she did so now it was the galaxies turn to help Shepard and get her back on her feet one step at a time.

Dr, Gallagher continues to tell her she should eventually get her memory back piece by piece. She tells her she may not remember everything that happened but she should be able to get an outline and that Shepard should seek the help of the people who were there or what is left of her crew, to fill in what her mind blots out. That is the problem there is no one left from her crew they are all gone, killed in the final battle either on earth or crashing while on the Normandy.

Trauma, PTSD, is what the docotor says she is suffering from, she is trying to focus on the events of that time but her mind is fighting her trying to keep what she witnessed at bay. As much as she wants to remember the blanks it's almost as if her mind does not want her too.

"Why do you feel this way when you have helped so many? Who do you see in the mirror each morning?" The doctor asks. Shepard was never an eloquent speaker but when the time called for it she was able to draw everyone's attention with how her words flowed and she shocked the doctor when she spoke next.

"Mirrors reflect the image they see... mine is a broken reflection of loss and regret. I sit alone in a dark room save a flickering candle to keep me company, I watch as it dances across the wick and my mind begins to wander. I don't possess the strength to keep going, I say in my mind I can't do it anymore but something tugs at me to keep going and its a warm feeling compared to the cold im exposed to, I see my friends and family my childhood before my eyes in what have to be my memories but they are violently yanked away by a force unseen. I scream to let them go give me back my happiness give me back my long sought after life... I've longed to live but it still takes from me and in a flash I realize its my regret anchoring me to the cold darkness of my mind, each in turn is before me and each asks why I've held them here and my only answer is that I never wanted to let you go. They all appear to me in a crowd telling me its ok just let go and it'll all be okay but im hesitant at first but as each is forgiven I come back to myself in the real world and when its my families turn they hug me and say they're proud of me, my eyes are glistening but I let them go as well and I come back to looking in the mirror and for the first time I see a smile in the reflection."

"Commander that was..." The doctor was at a loss for words.

"It was nothing but a thought...you asked me what I see and feel... that's it."

"I want you to know that no matter what you feel right now and how helpess or depressed you may be...there are people that are here to help you. Please don't turn away the help. It will get you throught this." The doctor says.

Shepard can only nod as she stands to leave the room. She had been tired of being in the hover chair so she chose to walk. She felt the more she could show her doctors she was okay physically she be discharged. Then where do I go?

As Shepard walks back to her room she remembers what Ash had said to her when talking about losing her father and how much her grandfathers legacy had affected her and her family. Ash had always been great with words and her poetry and these words were no different:

Often times your mind lets you dream only to have it become a nightmare and sometimes its one you can't wake from, to be left a void to your own consciousness feels like a heavy weight on your chest. Do I dare dream or do I dare act? I dont know the effort it takes to tell the difference anymore but as I lay shivering and sweaty I can only see one goal in the distance and its that one singular ray of light that one soothing voice that one body who's eye's lift me to them each and every time I stare at them, I have to get up I have to move I have to see those eyes that smile those reflections of me you cast as I look upon you, I find the courage I find my strength I find my power and I lift that weight and I sprint to the light not which takes me away but which brings me home.

Shepard used these her words to live by when she was searching for Liara after waking from her two year 'coma'. She used these words to push herself to get her love back in her life and it worked now Shepard only wishes her freind was here.

X

X

X

X

"Specialist you wanted to see me?"

"Yes maam I have been scaning all frequencies and found a continual loop from some kind of galactic network. Its hard to hear everything as there is a lot of interference but I think I cleared it up as much as I can and I figured you would want to hear what I have so far."

"Have you listened to it yet. What does it say?"

"Uh...I have but I was more focussed on trying to clean it up but I figured you would want to hear this first."

"I'm Aiden Pierce galac ...

"As this is our first ever ... I have to apologize in advance if there is any interference ... thi... transmission. I first have to thank all those involved in making this broadcast possible. With the a majority of communications d... throughout the galaxy still the ...orces felt it is imperative to have some sort of access to what is happening around the galaxy. As this broadcast is from Earth we will be reporting what is happening here first...the remaining broadcasts from other planets will follow. All broadc... will be repeated until our next transmi...

"The recovery efforts across the planet are still a slow process ... to an alliance repres.... With that said all major areas hit by the reapers are expected to recover as much as expected given the devas... that occurred. The remaining alliance ground forces as well as remaining ...still here on earth have all continued to help in the cleanup efforts. The death toll contin...se as more remains have been uncovered over the last couple of months since the reaper forces were destroyed. The actual number may never be known but the survivors of this war still seem to ....

The majority of that hope comes in the form of one woman Commander ...ry Shep...d. Her ability to gather the forces she did in order to defeat the reaper threat is something that can never be repaid... We are all in her debt. The fact that she survi... after leading the charge and fired the crucible weapon is a testament to her leadership and courage and overall will to succeed. Unfortunalty we do not have access to the her ...tion as of now with the alliance brass namely Admiral Hackett saying 'she did her......cover in...ce. With that being said we all hope it is a...'

"Get this cleaned up now and tell no one what you heard!"

"Maam?"

"Trust me Traynor if word of this gets out to the rest of the crew and we heard it wrong...well I'm sure you can figure out how bad that can be."

"Yes maam, once we get closer to a comm bouy and our outgoing communications are up we should be able to confirm this report. How long until we reach Earth."

"Joker said we should be there within a day or two. We are not close enough to anyBouys or relays to hear this any better?"

" No maam, but I am trying." Relief floods the specialists face at the realization of actually getting off the ship she's been floating on painfully slowly. They were still unsure of where they crashed but were relieved to have the ship fixed within a couple of months and able to get back to Earth."It's been a long couple of months. It will good to be able to take a nice shower."

Before Traynor can say anything else Willams turns around and heads towards the elevator to go to the Commanders quarters as the door closes behind her tears of relief fall and as she sinks to the foor she can only look up to the ceiling in the room and mutter. "Thank God."