I don't own Attack on Titan.

Chapter Warnings: Violence, gore, rape, super nsfw sex

The Hunters

Chapter Thirteen — City of Angels

I had no idea of how ecstasy worked except for that it must have injected extra happiness into a couple of hours stealing it from the days that followed. I was only able to combat the complete lack of desire for absolutely anything by sleeping. The moment we left Phoenix, I fell asleep in the car and slept the entire way to California, waking only to eat (which I didn't want to do, but forced myself to in order to avoid Levi's wrath) and use the bathroom, much to Levi's chagrin—although, if we're being completely honest, most of what I do irritates him. I'd decided that was his problem, not mine; but when he didn't let up with the questions, it was getting harder to ignore. It was all "Why don't you want to eat?" and "Why don't you want to play your game?" or "Why do you just want to sleep all day?" Each time he asked me something, I answered by shooting him a hateful glare and turning to face the window to try and sleep. Surprisingly, the more I refused to answer, the more he pressed on. It was fucking awful. He was relentless by the time we made it to the hotel—another Best Western, surprise, surprise—and I didn't even have the energy to get mad about it. As he placed his bags gently on the living room floor, I chucked mine toward the couch without checking if it had reached its goal before heading straight to the bedroom, where I promptly flopped face-first onto the mattress, ready to fall back asleep.

"Are you really going to do this?" I couldn't see him, but I was sure that Levi was leaning on the door jam with his arms crossed. That was his thing.

"Yes," I responded gruffly.

He didn't say anything for a moment. I could feel his anger radiating behind me, but I chose to ignore it. Apparently, that was not a good idea, because he responded to my silence by grabbing me by my shoulders and violently pulling me up to face him. My body tensed up and the warning bells went off in the back of my head, but I wasn't in full out panic-mode until he started to shake me and scream at me. I don't even know what he was saying because I started screaming back at him, pushing him away, and the high-pitched ringing I get in my ears when I have an attack drowned everything out. I can't remember what happened next. Maybe I blacked out; it would have just been one more time in a long list of them. I awoke on the bed in a cold sweat some time later, curled up on my side under the blanket, hugging a pillow as ferociously as if it were the only thing keeping me from dying Every part of me was stiff from being in the same spot so long, but I managed to find enough willpower to peel the blanket off and make my way to the common room.

In the kitchenette, I found Levi cooking eggs on his hot plate. I noticed that he always ate so-called breakfast food when given the chance. I personally stopped believing in the concept of having a certain food only at a certain time—it's hard to eat like that when you only eat from fast food and microwaves, or when you stay up all night and wake up at two or three or four or five in the afternoon. Plus, eggs never asked to only be eaten in the morning and pasta never asked to be avoided in the early hours. It's food oppression.

"I'm going to take a shower," I said finally, after standing there thinking about meal constructs and receiving no acknowledgement from him. I knew that he knew I was there. He was just choosing to ignore me, as I had done to him all day.

"Fine," he said after a long pause, just as I'd decided to walk away. He didn't look up from the pan.

I watched him for one last second before heading back to the bathroom. It was stupid fancy, and for a brief moment, the memory of Ian's lavish bathroom came to mind. I shooed it away before it could overtake me. Even through my ecstasy-induced depression, fear would always win out, it seemed.

I sighed. Sunset Plaza. To think, that I could spend years of my life under bridges and benches and in dirty motels, just to end up in West Hollywood. I decided to forego the shower in favor of a bath. It suited my laziness much better. I sank slowly into the hot water as if I were a sore old man. I didn't really have a reason to feel that way, since my wounds were mostly, if not completely, healed. Still, I felt like I'd been hit by a train.

I didn't even bother washing. No, that took too much effort. I liked to just sit there in the water, sinking in as low as I could, right up to my nose so that I could still breathe. I fought the urge to close my eyes. There was no need to worry Levi yet again by falling asleep and possibly drowning (or nearly so) in the tub.

I guess I did fall asleep anyway, because I found myself opening my eyes when I heard Levi's voice. "I need to go out." I sat up and turned to look at him. He sat on the ledge of the bathtub, hunched over with his hands in his lap and his back to me. "Will you be okay by yourself?"

I unstopped the drain and sat back as the water level slowly decreased. "Yeah," I said, more quietly than I'd meant to. "Um, yeah," I repeated, louder. Maybe that would give him a little more security. "I'll be fine." I said it, but I wasn't sure if that was true. Still, he decided to trust me and left, telling me to call if I had an issue. I sat in the tub for a while, partly because I didn't feel like moving and partly because I was afraid of leaving it. What would I decide to do? How could I face the world? Just the thought of interacting with strangers set me on edge. I barely trusted Levi, and I sure as hell didn't trust anyone else. I'd finally started to learn after all these years that danger lurks around every corner; wolves hide in plain sight, dressed as innocent sheep. How else can they survive?

That meant at the same time that I wouldn't ever feel safe again. I couldn't. And I didn't want to try. It was just as good to me to stay at home and be an agoraphobe.

I started to shiver and decided I'd had enough; it was time to take my chances outside of the tub. I stood slowly, my bones creaking and muscles aching with every move, and went out into the bedroom, grabbing a towel just as I left, more or less as an afterthought than anything else. I'd sat around in the empty tub for so long that I was mostly dry anyway. I put on clothes, found something on television, and snuggled into the bed for warmth. I felt so alone. I couldn't get comfortable. I felt an ache in my heart that took a moment to recognize. I missed my parents. Mikasa and Armin. My life before. But what was scary to me was how much I missed Levi. I chalked it up to wanting to feel safe. To not wanting to be alone. I missed him so much, it hurt. I wanted him to be there. To feel him near me. To smell him. I got up and grabbed a sweatshirt from his bag, sat against the wall and buried my face in it, taking in his scent, and sobbed, because, God, it hurt.

I sat shivering on the floor of a place so dark, it suffocated me. I pulled my knees to my chest in an effort to keep warm and noticed I was naked, my bare, goosebump-covered thighs pressed to my heaving chest.

"Eren, keep your elbows off of the table, please," came a female voice. It startled me at first, forcing every muscle in my body to tense.

"Eren, say 'please.'" It was stern, warning, but warm and soothing. The knot in my chest began to ease, but I didn't dare try to move. Although I could see nothing, I still felt the walls around my closing in on me.

"Eren, it's not polite to stare." Finally, I realized...it was my mother. My body relaxed just enough to allow me to suck in one deep, shaky breath before feeling something wet and thick on my toes.

"...M-Mom?" I heard a thud from somewhere in front of me. Somewhere close. Hesitantly, I put my hands to the floor before me, finding it also wet, and cringed and I pressed my weight into my palms and my knees as I got onto all fours. "Mom. Are you there?" Slowly, slowly I crawled forward, further into the puddle of whatever was on the cold, hard ground, reaching out tentatively. Tears burned at my eyes. "Please, mom…"

My stomach lurched as my hand hit something warm and soft and recoiled. Trembling, I reached for it again, putting my hand around whatever I was feeling to determine that it was...an arm. A shoulder. A head. Long hair. "She's gone," came another voice, this time from behind, "but I'll take care of you now."

I began to cry and whirled around to find that I could see him: the old man from Phoenix. "Who are you?" My voice was weak, sad, and not from me, but my ten-year-old self. He smirked, then slowly stretched it into a grin, wider and wider, baring more teeth as he went.

"Don't you know it's rude to stare?" he scathed, although his mouth didn't move at all. "Didn't your mama teach you good manners?" In the blink of an eye, the man turned into Hoover, who stood there with a knife sticking out of his chest, his stomach split open so that blood and organs spilled out onto me as he fell forward. It smelled so horrible that I gagged and doubled over with my face to the floor, holding back tears and vomit. My body was soaked with blood, and a menacing laugh came from above me. When I looked back up, it was Ian standing over me the way he had at the party, with his gross, pierced dick in my face, holding the knife in one hand and a leash in the other, connected to a collar around my neck. He pulled on the leash and lashed out with the blade, and instead it was my entrails spilled out onto the floor.

I screamed in agony, holding my stomach, trembling and trying desperately to stuff things back inside. He kicked my shoulder hard and sent me down onto my back, then pinned me down onto the floor—not that I could move much to begin with. "Does it hurt?" he asked, the volume of his voice low, but the intensity high. I could only whimper in response. "Your face is beautiful when it hurts," he moaned lowly. He leaned down over me and sucked on the place between my shoulder and my neck hard, breaking skin, moaning louder. I couldn't move or do anything except let him do what he wanted and cry from the pain. As his hands moved down my body to my thighs, where he pushed my legs open as wide as they went, he bit harder into my flesh, harder and harder until he broke skin.

"Stop," I sobbed, "please!" He did, sitting up with an evil smile. He reached a hand into the new opening in my abdomen and squeezed my stomach, forcing me to spit up all over my own face before coughing and turning my head to the side. My face and nose and throat burned and I struggled to catch my breath. Meanwhile, he slid the tip of the blade into my asshole. "P-please," was all I managed to get out. I couldn't take much more. All I could do was hope and pray he wouldn't do it, or that at least I would finally pass out from the pain.

"Since you asked so nicely," he whispered into my ear before he thrust the knife into me. I cried out pitifully. I wanted it to end more than anything. I wanted it to end five years ago. "You're so pretty, Jaeger." He ran his hands back up my legs slowly and tightened the collar around my neck so that I had to gasp desperately for air, then lapped up the blood and puke from my face and neck and shoulder, gnawing on it to coax more blood into his mouth. "Like caramel." My whimpering and coughing grew louder. "Let me fuck you," he said, his voice husky. It disgusted me, how turned on he was, but I couldn't do anything else but whine, and he suddenly pushed his hard cock into the hole he'd cut into my belly. He thrust roughly, over and over, poking my organs and sloshing everything around—I tore up my throat screaming and I couldn't breathe and I started to black out because I was in absolute agony and I couldn't stop myself from pissing and shitting because I was losing control of my body and I was suffocating, I was drowning, I was dying—

"Shhhh, Eren. Eren. It's okay. I'm here. It's over. You're safe. Come back to me. Please. Eren." In the back of my mind, I knew I was awake, but it was like I was watching from the outside of my body. Watched as Levi tried to talk me down, watched as I just collapsed into a quivering, lifeless mess, watched as he carried me back into the bathroom and bathed me and laid me on the bed and held me until my breathing slowed down and I was in my own body again.

"I'm sorry," I croaked. My throat was raw; my body was sore; every nerve I had was shot. Every part of me ached. Levi held me in a warm embrace, my face to his chest, his hands running soothingly through my crazy tufts of hair.

"Just tell me you're okay."

My grip tightened on his arm. "I'm not."

He looked at me sorrowfully. "Is it getting worse?"

I looked at him for a good, long while before answering. "I'll get better." I had to.

For the next few days, Levi didn't prod me about the nightmare that was so bad I literally messed myself, and that was perfectly fine with me. But, he did insist that I get into a routine, so every morning, we woke up together at five; he had tea and I had coffee before went to the fitness center, and then had breakfast. The first day was especially tough, but by the third or fourth, it had already begun to feel natural. I had learned to force myself to eat, and even though my exercise was much lighter than Levi's, he taught me good technique and guided me into a regimen. I noticed that I was starting not to look so sick anymore. Things had even started to feel bearable, albeit empty. And in those hours, when there was no one around but us, there were no reasons to feel anxious. After that, he'd read his paper while I showered, and I'd clean up breakfast while he did. He'd leave me with a list of things to do during the day while he worked, make sure I had something to do for lunch, and leave.

I really didn't want to deal with interacting with anyone in any way, shape, or form, so in exchange for calling off the maids, most of the things on Levi's list had to do with cleaning up the suite, although he did also require me to read books he'd bring back with him and complete some other busy work. I knew that it was mostly to keep me from going insane, but between that and the sleeping pills that kept the nightmares at bay, it worked as long as I stuck with it. I knew that I couldn't afford to turn to that dark place for even the slightest of seconds, or I'd be sucked in and find no way out.

Still, I could feel it in the back of my mind, following me along through my every action, making sure that I was painfully aware of the black hole's existence on the edge of every thought. It was always trying to pull me back in, to trick me into descending into that void, to leave me without an escape. It was everything I could to stop myself from doing it until Levi returned, but somehow, for nearly a week, I managed.

Honestly, I'm not sure how it happened, or whose fault it was, but I was having a completely normal (or whatever) day after Levi left that morning. I cleaned up the kitchen and living room and decided to take a break by reading one of the books Levi had assigned. For the first time, it was a nonfiction book about the presidents that I found really dull, but Levi had been asking really probing questions about the books he gave me throughout the week if I said I'd finished them, so I didn't dare lie about it. When I couldn't take it anymore, I figured a bathroom break was in order and headed off. I avoided my face in the mirror as usual as I took my sweet time pissing and washing my hands and brushing my teeth and flossing and doing whatever I could to delay reading about the fourth president because the first three were probably the most interesting and I honestly didn't want to think about how there were forty more that would just get more boring and obscure.

And somehow I was so focused on ignoring what awaited me outside of the bathroom door that I didn't notice someone from housekeeping had knocked and entered and started doing their job. He opened the door to enter the bathroom just as I did to exit, and it was a funny thing in retrospect, because I saw his face, initially startled at finding me because he expected to find the room empty, his expression quickly turning into a nice smile before I started screaming bloody murder.

"Wha—what?" He looked around, but it wasn't as if I could say anything. I backed up from him. It didn't occur to me that he was hotel staff; I just saw some strange guy in my room and stumbled away, blubbering, until my legs hit the tub and I fell into it. He kept saying things, asking me what was wrong and if I was okay, and came over to help me up, but I just kept screaming and flailing my limbs wildly, because if he dared to touch me without my permission, I would do everything in my power to tear him apart, until finally he just grabbed his cart and left in a hurry.

I didn't dare leave the safety of the big porcelain bowl, just hugged my legs to my chest and rocked back and forth, my eyes searching around what I could see of the suite for any sign of the strange person, panting with fear. I'm not sure how much time passed before I heard two voices speaking lowly. I had a feeling they were inside, although I couldn't see them from the bath. "Get out," I yelled, "get the fuck out!" My hands and teeth clenched.

"A-are you okay?" came the timid voice. It sounded like a girl this time.

"Just leave!" She wasn't taking the hint, and came into my view with her hands up in surrender. "Don't come any fucking closer, I swear—stop right there, just stop!"

She did, and later I would remember that she looked scared, but in the moment it was just bothering me that she stood her ground instead of backing away. "I'm not going to hurt you," she said. A second passed where I just curled further into myself; she took it as an opportunity to take another step closer to the bathroom and I freaked out again.

"I'll fucking kill you, you take one step closer and I'll fucking kill you!" I grabbed the side of the tub, but there was no way I'd actually approach her—not that she knew that.

She stumbled back, apparently deciding that I meant what I said and apologized, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, okay, I'm going, I'm going." She left my vision slowly, facing me the entire time, although I heard her speaking with someone else again out of sight.

"What should we do, Franz?"

"I—I don't know, do we call the manager? The police?"

"Leave! Go! Get out, what the fuck is wrong with you, get out, get out, get out—" And I just remember screaming that over and over again for a while, covering my ears and shutting my eyes and sobbing it until I felt like I couldn't anymore and I cried and wailed so hard it shook my entire body, grabbing my hair and pulling at it and trying to protect myself because I didn't know if they'd gone.

Eventually, as I started to catch my breath and come to my senses I realized what had happened and hated myself for being this crazy person who trembled and sobbed, curled up in tubs all the fucking time.

"Eren? What's wrong?" Levi sounded genuinely concerned, which surprised me, because I was sure he would sound annoyed and say something like 'didn't I tell you only to call for emergencies?' Instead it seemed like he trusted me enough to figure that there was a damn good reason I was calling, and there was.

I sniffled and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt before answering, voice still thick with tears. "I fucked up, I fucked up."

"What happened?"

"Can you—could you—please, I want you to come home."

"Okay." Unquestioning, firm, simple—what a beautiful, beautiful word it was to me at the time. "I'm coming right there. Can you make it until I get back? Maybe twenty minutes? I swear. I'll race home."

"No, please—be safe. I'll be okay until you get here."

A pause. "Okay. I'll be there soon. Just don't—" He paused again, as if he were choosing his next words very carefully. "Just wait for me, okay?"

I nodded, not that he knew. "I promise."

I heard the door open and slam shut. "Eren?" Levi called, and I could tell he was a tiny bit out of breath, like he really had rushed after all.

"I'm here," I said quietly from my fetal position on the couch.

He came to me, dropping his gear on the coffee table and taking me immediately into his arms, stroking my face soothingly. "What happened? Are you okay?" For Levi, it was really sincere sounding, but compared to a normal person it was still strangely demanding.

"Someone came in, I just—"

"What?" He started to stand. "Who the fuck—"

"It was the maid, it was the maid, it was the maid," I said quickly, grabbing his arm to keep him sitting with me. "But I—I wasn't expecting it, because we always put the thing on the door, and I just saw some guy and flipped shit and threatened him and hid in the bathroom and I was screaming, and—n-no one has come since, so I don't know what he did, but we might be in trouble with the hotel, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—" I blurted it all out at once, my voice starting to break when Levi shushed me.

"Okay, okay." He rubbed my back. "It's all right. I'll go talk to them and see what's going on. If we have to get a new hotel, then that's not a big deal, okay? I'll figure it out. It's okay." He held me close.

I nodded and wiped my eyes, grateful and surprised that Levi had the capacity to act this sweetly. "Let me go with you. And apologize."

"No," he replied harshly. There was that classic Levi charm. "That is a horrible idea."

"Come on, it's fine. If I'm with you, I'll be okay."

He sighed. "I don't think so. Look, you're still—maybe later, if it ends well, I'll take you to apologize, but for right now, I want you to relax. Do something that makes you feel good. Lie down in bed, take a bath, watch tv, whatever you want." He stood up. "I'll be right back."

"Fine," I said after a sigh. His tone said that I shouldn't bother arguing. "I'm going into the bedroom." He nodded and made his way out while I picked up the book on presidents that I had abandoned earlier, face down on the floor, half underneath the couch. As I leaned over for it, I knocked some of Levi's stuff off the table. "Shit," I muttered under my breath, righting his bag back up and reaching for the files that had spilled out onto the rug. Case files. I held one in my hand for a moment. Levi didn't really talk about his cases, and really the curiosity killed me. I looked back to make sure he was gone, although of course he was; otherwise, he would have already scolded me and snatched the papers from my hands. I turned back to the pile and opened up the top one with a deep breath.

It was an arrest report from the Los Angeles Police Department's Human Trafficking Unit, detailing the arrest of two gang members pimping kids out. I put the file aside to look at the next one, a similar report on narcotics distribution. Next.

The next file was huge compared to the two before it. Printed in bold letters on the outside of the folder were the words "Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department" and below that were a couple signatures written into columns of a chart. The last two were Bureau Commander Erwin Smith, whose signature was in neat cursive, and Auxiliary Enforcement Agent Levi Ackerman, whose tiny signature was scrawled illegibly into the table cell. At the bottom, someone had written in the case number 16-VHT-902370.

The first page read "Incident Report" across the top, and it listed a number of agencies included in the arrest: Chandler Police Department, Gilbert Police Department, Phoenix Police Department, Mesa City Police Department, Tempe Police Department.

"Wow," I said out loud. What the hell did they need so many departments for? I looked at the date of the arrest, July 16th. Why did that day sound familiar? Down the page were photos—mugshots, and information about the people and their crimes. As I skimmed down it, one of the faces stuck out: Dieter's owner, Rose. I took in a sharp breath. This was a report on the pet party. Part of me wanted to read it, but I found myself unable to turn the page. Would Ian's mugshot be on one of these? Pictures of the house and the stuff they found? Are there testimonies in here? From officers? From offenders? From victims?

Did people talk about me?

I closed the files as quickly as I could and straightened up the pile.

Levi walked into the room and sat down beside me on the couch without a word. I expected the worst. He turned on the television.

"Well?" I said loudly, anxiously.

"I talked to them," he replied simply.

Good Lord. "And?"

He let another pause pass, the dick. "Management is allowing us to stay." I didn't get to finish my sigh of relief before he added, "And those two will be cleaning the room from now on."

"What?" It was somehow half a whimper and half a scream. "No. No. No. That's a completely, totally, royally horrid idea."

He clicked a button on the remote. "I think it would be good for you to socialize with some people your own age."

Punching a cushion, I replied, "What the actual fuck, Levi?" He had literally just spent weeks trying to keep me from doing that very thing. "Now, now is when you want that to happen? When just the thought of being without you makes me—makes me—" I stopped dead in my tracks, certainly unwilling to say to him what I could barely admit to myself.

"Makes you what?" He stared back at me in a way that made me feel way too exposed.

"Makes me wanna punch your stupid goddamn face," I sneered.

He sighed and turned his attention back to the screen, which surprisingly displayed something other than the local news. "When you can handle being alone, you can be alone. Until then, those two will be here to check in on you." Click. News channel. "So don't go fucking it all up."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, "It's what I do best." I stood and marched off to the bedroom with my book. Didn't he understand that I was doing best when I was alone? The whole reason we were in that mess is because I couldn't handle being around strangers. What the fuck was he thinking? A while passed before Levi came inside, where I now lay on my stomach on the bed, the book open to a page I'd been more staring at angrily and less reading information. "Don't you have a fucking job to do?" I growled without looking up.

He gave a short, quick, quiet sigh, one hand on his hip. "Are you sure you're ready for me to leave?"

"I'm ready for you to get out of my damn face." I threw a pillow in his general direction, and it missed its mark miserably, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

"So I won't come back to you sitting in your own shit again?" He crossed his arms.

This time I threw the book, which he dodged easily. "Just fucking go already! Just fucking go."

"Eren, when are we going to talk about this?" I could tell he was getting irritated, but was holding it back much better than I was.

I rolled my eyes dramatically. "Um, let's see, I don't know, how about never?" I flipped over so I didn't have to face him.

He huffed, approaching the bed and grabbing me by the arm. "Stop acting like a child."

I pulled away from him, screaming, "I am a child!" And as soon as the words left my mouth, we both froze for a second.

He let me go and looked away. "You're right."

"L-Levi," I started as he walked back to the door, but he put a hand up to stop me.

He didn't face me as he said, "I might be back late. Please stick to your routine. Make sure you have something to eat, and try to go to bed." I bit my lip, feeling guilty. "I'll try to be back on time," he added as he left.

Levi didn't make it back on time, and while I promised to eat dinner, I ended up not being able to even keep down the apple I ate before I got into bed, leaving all the lights on. I watched the numbers on the clock change. One minute. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Thirty minutes.

I hated feeling on edge all the time. I just wanted to be normal again. How did I manage it the first time? How did I close myself off to everything? Why couldn't I do it again?

And then it hit me. Why couldn't I do it again? If I just pushed it all away like I did five years ago, became the person I've been all this time before Ian, then I could get through this.

I got out of the bed and went to the light switch. "Do it," I said out loud. "It's just night. When you're alone, there is no one here to hurt you." I took a deep breath and flicked off the switch. The sudden darkness made me tense up. "You can do this," I told myself again as I made my way back to the bed. "You can do this." I got under the covers and pulled them up over my head. "You're safe. You're safe. You're safe. You're safe…"

I woke up to Levi ripping the covers off of me and squinted at him in annoyance. "What?"

He waited a beat before replying. "I'm sorry I'm late."

I grabbed the blankets back from him and snuggled back into them. "Did you have to wake me to say that? Couldn't it have waited until morning?"

"No." His hands were balled into loose fists at his side, and he looked me up and down for a second before going over to his bag. "Fuck, Eren."

Sleepy me was still angry at being woken up. "Fuck you, too." He didn't reply, so I just watched as he changed into pajamas. He was always neat about changing. He hung up his jacket, folded his clothing as he undressed, putting it in a neat little pile with the other dirty clothes in the corner before putting on a t-shirt and joggers. The longer I was awake, the longer I realized that I probably scared him by being under the covers. He was so paranoid when it came to me that he probably thought I would suffocate under there. He got in bed beside me and I snuggled up to him immediately. "You worry too much."

He looked at me as if debating what to say. "When it comes to you, I do."

I took his hand in my own. "I'm still here." He squeezed my hand, but didn't say anything in response. "How was your day? Besides me ruining it."

He just stared at me for a bit before answering, which was another typical trait of his. "It was fine. You didn't ruin it."

I put his arm around my waist and scooted closer to him. "Are you okay?"

"Are you?"

I smiled. "I meant—"

"I know." He nuzzled into my neck. "I know what you meant. But that's not what I'm asking."

It was my turn to take my time answering. "It's getting better. I know, I know today I had an incident, but—it is getting better."

He put his other arm around me and pulled me closer, so that our bodies were flush with one another. "Please try to spend time with those two. I think it will help."

I stroked his hair. "Yeah."

Almost two weeks passed, in very much the same way as they had been, with the development that Franz and Hannah would come to clean the room and spend a little time with me during their breaks. As promised, I genuinely tried to make friends with them, although I didn't tell Levi that it was just as much for my own reasons as it was because he asked me to do so. I needed to be able to be around people again, and they were very good at being kind and giving me a wide berth. We mostly just chatted at the beginning, but by the second week, they would stop by after their shifts and eat with me and play cards if Levi was late coming home. I think it was because he asked them to, which part of me loved, and part of me hated. It was sweet of him to think of me, but I didn't want him to have to make those considerations, and it made me all the more determined to show him I could also be a functioning human.

At the end of her shift on Friday, Hannah stopped by the room to invite me out. "Franz and I were thinking, if it's okay, of course," she said, glancing in Levi's direction, "that maybe we could show you around? I mean, it is Los Angeles, and wouldn't it be fun to see the sights?"

I nodded with a smile. "Yeah, that would be great! It would be nice to take pictures." I found that the more I got to interact with the two, the better I got at being social, since watching teens do it on TV could only do so much. I liked that I wasn't as awkward with them as I had been with Connie and those guys.

"Tourist attractions are crowded places," Levi said plainly, which held the tone of the word "no."

"W-well, we could try to visit some things early, when there are less people around, and of course we would be with you the entire time, and we could bring you right back here if you get overwhelmed," Hannah said, addressing me, but looking at Levi. "Franz's brother has agoraphobia, so he's used to making considerations like that and dealing with panic attacks," she added, looking back to me, "so I promise you're in good hands."

Is that what Levi told them I had? I knew they thought I was his little brother with anxiety, but we didn't talk about that stuff much, which was good, since I would have no idea how to talk about it, and it might give our real situation away. "That sounds good to me," I said, turning to Levi. "I feel ready to go out again, and if I feel even a little scared, I'll call you. I'll come straight home."

Levi sat up straighter in his chair. "Fine."

I looked back to Hannah happily, and she giggled. "Great! And don't worry," she said, reaching into her purse, "we made up a list of places we want to go, and we'll make sure Eren checks in with you, if you want." She handed Levi a piece of paper, which he made a show of looking at, but I could tell he had something else on his mind.

"That's not necessary. This is enough."

"Okay!" She stood up and sighed happily. "Then, can we pick you up at 8:30?"

I nodded. "I'll meet you in the lobby." Hannah seemed overjoyed as she gave her goodbyes and left. I locked the door behind her and turned back to Levi, who still sat in an armchair pensively. "Thank you, Corporal." When he didn't respond, I walked over to him, and put a finger on his shoulder. "Hey. Are you good?"

He looked up at me. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

I nodded. I was nervous. The thought of being out there with tons of people put me on edge. But, I wanted to be able to compartmentalize those feelings, and this would be the test. I'd gotten better at pushing the dark place in my mind away, I hadn't had any nightmares since I started using the sleeping pills, I'd been sticking to the exercise regimen and readings Levi assigned, and I'd even been eating more, although I still never actually felt hungry. Also, it had been two months since Ian, so the last of my wounds had finally healed, except for the piercings, which I had decided to keep taking care of. "Don't you think I'm getting better?"

He licked his lips. "You seem to be. You actually look fucking healthy."

I smiled coyly. "I am. Wanna see?" Levi's face didn't change, but I saw the flicker in his eyes. We hadn't done anything remotely sexual since leaving Phoenix for the second time, and I knew he was feeling it by now. I also wanted to see if I was able to be with him that way. Lately, when I was alone, I would try masturbating, at first just to see if I could get it up. It took a while to even feel comfortable doing it, but recently I had finally been able to relax, and even to get hard, although I had yet to actually come. Maybe, if I could handle another person's hands on me—his hands, I could finish.

"That's not a good idea," he said finally, although I heard the very slight falter in his voice.

"No?" I kneeled down in front of him and put my face in his lap. "We don't have to fuck. We can just mess around."

"Eren," he said sternly, shifting in his seat, "I've been trying not to fuck you on purpose." He averted his eyes, which was rare. "I know that it hasn't helped in the least, the fact that I kept pushing you for sex in New Mexico."

I put my hands on his knees and rubbed them suggestively. "Okay. Maybe not. But I'm saying that now, it's okay to do it. I feel ready." No, I didn't. But I felt ready to try.

"You didn't do well last time," he said quietly, sitting up straighter. "I don't want to make things worse."

"Levi. That was three weeks ago." I hugged my arms around his legs. "I want to try."

He crossed his legs and made a fist under his chin with his right hand. "Jaeger, three weeks isn't that long when it comes to stuff like this." He only calls me Jaeger when he's irritated.

"Don't you at least want me to blow you," I asked, running my hands up the sides of his legs, sitting up off of my heels, licking my lips before adding, "Corporal?"

He leaned forward and grabbed my wrists. "If we do anything, I won't be able to stop myself."

I bit my lip as cutely as I could, and normally he didn't fall for stuff like that, but this time it looked like he would. "Hard up for me?" I stood, pulling my arms back from him. "Aching for my asshole?"

"Eren, stop."

I climbed into his lap. "It's been so long since I've been filled," I said lowly, running my hands down his chest. "I'm probably too tight anyway." I cupped his very prominent erection. "I mean, you're so big. I'll have to finger myself good and long before I let you inside." I think he opened his mouth to berate me for this, but instead he just moaned, and I think for the first time ever, he blushed in embarrassment. It actually turned me on quite a bit, which helped to ease the tightness in my chest, although the fact that he hadn't touched me yet was helping not to aggravate my anxiety. I shamelessly groped him as I kissed and sucked on his neck, and while he did better at holding back his moans this time, the movement in his hips gave him away. "You're probably right," I whispered into his ear, unzipping his pants, "a cock as thick and hard as yours would probably break me."

Suddenly, he picked me up and threw me onto the couch, and I thought he would ravish me right there, but instead he stood above me, breathing rapidly, face fully flushed, and said, "I'm not going to fuck you like this. What the hell are you trying to prove?" He stormed off toward the bathroom, probably to jack off, while I lay on the couch, surprised as hell. He definitely wanted me, and wasn't it enough that I was doing all that for him? What made him think I didn't want it?

I got up and headed for the bedroom, passing a mirror along the way, which I glanced into. I had to do a double take; no wonder he didn't want to. I looked pale. My eyes were red and watery. I looked down to see that my hands were shaking. I was so caught up in pushing my emotions away that I hadn't noticed that my body was still giving off all the signs of fear.

"Fuck," I breathed, running a hand through my hair. When would I finally be in control again? What was I doing wrong? I went over to the bed and sat in the middle of it, waiting for Levi to come back from the bathroom. I tried not to, but I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't ever think of what dealing with me must be like for him, and in the moment, I felt horrible about it. It did seem like it took a lot of restraint for him to push me away, and if he was feeling conflicted about having sex, then I was putting him in shitty position.

Levi didn't come out of the bathroom for a while, and I was so lost in thought that the sound of the door opening startled me. He looked at me and rolled his eyes. "Please don't be angry," I called to him as he exited the room, "please."

\He sighed and turned back, then paused before coming over to the bed. "I'm not angry. I just…"

"I know; I'm sorry. I...I realized that this must be really hard for you. Because you can see when I'm hurting, even when I try to hide it. And because you don't want to make it worse. But, I want you to know that you...make it better—make me better." I took one of his hands in my own, but he pulled away.

"I can't justify this. I don't know what I was thinking; I can't…"

"Levi—"

"What kind of shit am I for chasing people who do things to do you that I—" he screamed, and his eyes were watery, and it broke my heart, because I constantly forget that Levi is also human.

"Hey. No." I slid off the bed and put my hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look at me. It was another one of those instances where I suddenly realized how small he was. "You are not—you have never been one of them. You—God, you saved me! Those people, they hurt me. They use me. They have no remorse. They don't see me as a person. But you...are nothing like that. You care for me. You…" I blushed. "You pleasure me. You love me." I put his hand over the scar on my cheek. "This healed because of you. The fact that I'm even here...is because of you. Because you took me away from Ian. Because you—you keep me from committing suicide. Because you give me the strength to try for one more minute. One more hour. One more day." His eyes, such a cold color, seemed warm then. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "Okay, so yeah, I get it. I'm...young. And you and I aren't supposed to do the things we do. And maybe you feel bad for wanting it. But...don't ever think you're that. I'm here, with you, because I wanted to come. And today I took it too far, but, I...you and I both know that I don't have to try to seduce you. You and I both know that if you were that person, you would take it from me, even though you saw how scared I was. But I don't know if you know yet that the reason I tried so hard just now was because…" I had to look away from him. My face felt hot. "Because, despite how nervous I am, despite all of the shit I've just been through, I—" It was hard to say, so I just blurted it out quickly. "I want you to—"

Levi cut me off with a kiss, but a gentle, chaste one. "Okay," he said, stroking my hair.

"...'Okay' as in you'll fuck me, or…"

Levi laughed, and it made my heart skip a beat. "If you don't have a panic attack tomorrow, then maybe we'll talk about being intimate." He sighed and went to sit on the bed.

"Um, that doesn't sound very promising," I teased.

He cocked his head to the side. "Brat."

I laughed. "Okay, it's a deal. If I do well in the outside world, then…" I raised my eyebrows suggestively.

"Then we will discuss the manner in which we will very slowly approach fucking." He crossed his arms. "Those are the terms."

I smacked my lips in defeat. "Fine." I sat beside him on the bed and a moment passed where we just enjoyed the feeling of our legs touching until I very casually put my hand on his thigh and stroked it.

"Jaeger, are you fucking serious?" He swatted my hand away, but didn't do anything else to deter me, so I put an arm around his shoulder and leaned in closer.

"Come on, don't you even want to just kiss?" I started to kiss his cheek, his jaw, his neck, and then his phone rang from the other room.

He stood up as I pouted, and he shrugged unapologetically. "Duty calls."

After Levi left for whatever was apparently better than plowing me, I finished reading a book he'd given to me and lounged around the suite for a while, bored out of my skull. I couldn't text Connie because he finally asked Sasha out, and I knew they were on their date. I'd hopped around the TV for a while, but didn't find anything interesting. I went back to the bedroom and paced around a bit before the idea came to me.

I threw my clothes onto the floor and flopped on the bed, naked, with my phone. Even just being this bare made me feel vulnerable, but I swallowed down the queasiness in my stomach. Surely Dieter would be up for phone sex. It wasn't the same sort of experiment as having real sex, but I felt like it was worth a try to see if my anxiety extended to this. If it did, then maybe Levi was right to be extra cautious with me. If it didn't, then maybe that would be enough to convince him.

...ring, ring, ring. The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. I growled frustratedly and sent him a text.

Hey, just wanted to see how you're doing.

We had only texted a little bit since our phone call in New Mexico, and I thought it would be a bit much to come out and say that I called him out of the blue for dirty talk, so I figured that would be enough. I waited another fifteen minutes without hearing anything and got out of the bed.

"Fine. Guess I'll just do it myself. Again," I muttered, rummaging through my stuff for the almost empty bottle of lube in my bag that was just going to have to do, because Levi never gave me money if I asked for it, and there was no way in hell I'd ask him to bring back lube for me. Could you imagine how that would go?

I took a deep breath and got comfortable on the bed. It always took a little gearing up, partly because it still made my skin crawl and partly because it just felt a little naughty by default. I nervously took my dick in hand and took another deep breath as I began to stroke it slowly. I always found it hard to relax in the beginning because closing my eyes was still completely out of the question, but once I started to get going, it was okay. I let myself moan as loud as felt right, I let my legs spread all by themselves, and I started to play gently with my nipples. I kept going until I couldn't wait anymore, when I bit my lip and curled my toes and wanted it so bad it hurt. I grabbed the bottle of lube and sat up, spreading a little of the liquid on my fingers just to massage my asshole and get it a bit wet before trying to insert a finger.

"Mmm." I leaned back against the headboard so that I was more comfortable and pressed on the space between my balls and my ass as I slid the finger easily in and out. Still, I didn't rush a single moment of it. I waited until I was good and ready to put more lube and use a second finger.

My breathing got heavier and faster as I got used to the feeling of both fingers pressing inside me, using my other hand to play with my dick and balls. "Ahh," I moaned, throwing my head back and pushing my hips forward as I began to stretch myself. I was embarrassed at how good it felt. Even though I used to finger myself for guys all the time, it wasn't really for pleasure. It was because they wanted it, or just to make sure that they wouldn't hurt me because they were impatient or didn't do it right. But this was just because I wanted it, and that was still a foreign thing to me. I resisted the urge to let my eyes close, because I'd made that mistake before and knew that nothing good would come of it. Instead, I kept my eyes trained on the bedroom door that I didn't bother to close because a tiny part of me was still on guard. I couldn't let myself be this vulnerable and not take some precaution.

I continued to scissor my fingers, stroking the silky, wet walls of my ass in all the places I wished other guys would. To my dismay, my fingers weren't quite long enough to reach my prostate, so I could only tease it or press on my perineum, but I did, panting and gasping for more, moaning shamelessly. If I had asked Levi for a dildo, he probably would have just asked why I didn't want his dick or something, but this was enough. At least, until it wasn't. Because as close as I would come, I just couldn't get there.

Defeated, whimpering, I took my fingers out of my ass and stopped pumping my impossibly hard cock. I groaned pathetically. It was no use. I just couldn't do it myself. I took a moment to calm down a little and give it a rest. Levi still wasn't back, so I wanted to give it another shot, but figured it wouldn't help to overstimulate myself. When I felt less on edge, I used the last of the lube and fit in a third finger. It meant that I couldn't push in as deep, but I sighed in relief at the stretch of it, letting myself moan lowly once more as I began to stroke my dick again.

Just as I stared to get really into it, I heard the door to the suite open. Fuck. I stopped moving my fingers, unsure of whether to pull them out because it was embarrassing or keep going because maybe Levi would be into it. It didn't really matter though, because it wasn't like I would have had time to make it look like I was doing something other than fucking myself, so what was the point of trying to act otherwise?

A second later, Levi turned the corner toward the bedroom and saw me, stopping in his tracks. "Eren?"

I licked my lips. "H-hey."

He didn't move. "Are you—"

"Um, yeah." I hadn't even pulled my fingers out.

"Should I—"

"Come here and fuck me," I demanded. He still didn't move for a second, apparently debating if he wanted to leave me to finish or come do what I said. I groaned. "Levi."

It was like the switch turned back on, because he took long strides toward me, pulling off his shirt and tossing it away, to my surprise. His lips crashed onto mine with sloppy kisses as I worked on the button of his pants and pulled them down along with his underwear. He got up onto the bed, and I pushed him onto his back, taking his semi in my hand and kissing his neck, down his chest, his belly button, nibbling at the flesh of his inner thigh. He didn't bother to hold back this time as he started to get hard in my hand. I took one of his balls into my mouth and he ran his fingers through my hair, moaning my name, "Eren."

My heart stopped. Even though he'd done it before, it was the first time I really noticed. I loved that Levi said my name, my real name, Eren, in that voice. It made me excited. Not Jaeger, not the slut in a motel bed, but Eren. I didn't want to wait anymore, I wanted him to take me, so I wrapped my lips around his head and sucked firmly, then took more and more into my mouth, swirling my tongue around, pressing the ball of my ring into his dick and humming, fondling his balls with my hands. He mewled and hummed and moaned my name again, making me shudder with want. Not able to close my eyes, I looked up at him, my mouth full of him, remembering that last time he wanted to look me in the eyes. I found it just as embarrassing as I did then, but I relished the way his face went red, the way his cock swelled in my mouth. A part of me wanted to keep teasing him, but now that he was fully erect, I just wanted it inside me.

I sat up to ride him, but he pulled me down to the bed and straddled me instead. A bubble of anxiety made its way up my chest at losing control of the situation. "Corporal, please," I whined, wrapping my legs around him.

"Not yet," he breathed, putting his arms under my shoulder blades. "I want to enjoy you." He sucked hard on my neck and I immediately tensed, but tried to play it off by putting my arms around him. He used one hand to play gently with my nipple and put the other between my legs, his fingers fucking me slowly.

"A-ah. Mmm, Corporal." I bucked my hips into his hand, but having him biting and sucking on my neck made me nervous enough that I was actually afraid of losing my erection. "D-don't leave a hickey," I said, making an excuse. "Franz and Hannah will ask."

He stopped to look at me, scrutinizing me, before sucking instead on my collarbone, and then my nipple, and then all the way down my torso, stopping with his head hovering above my erection. "Is this good?" he asked, spreading my legs wider.

"I want your cock," I said impatiently, but he didn't listen, instead taking my entire dick into his mouth easily. I gasped and arched my back off the bed, grabbing the sheets for dear life. Levi wasn't the first person to give me oral, but he was the first person to make it feel like that. I felt like I couldn't breathe. He hummed pleasantly around my length and put his fingers back inside me, pressing in all the exact same places I had been doing myself earlier. I couldn't stop moaning, screaming, crying, God, it was good, but I was also scared. My brain kept trying to push thoughts of Ian and Hoover and others into my conscious, and I kept forcing them away. It wasn't fair; neither of them even gave me oral.

It didn't help at all that it was so noisy. Levi was panting just as much as me, which reminded me of being raped, and sucking is a gross noise that made my hair stand up. I clenched my teeth. I felt like crying. But, if I broke down now, Levi would never try again with me. I sucked in a deep breath and let out a moan I hoped he wouldn't notice was fake. I gripped the sheets harder and started to hum. Maybe he would think it was weird, but I needed my happy place to get through it.

"Mm. When the n-night...haa...has come…" I sang as quietly as I could, so that with any luck, Levi wouldn't notice. "A-and the land is dark—oh, Corporal. And the moon, ahhh, is the only light we'll see. Mmmm. N-no, I won't...be afraid, ah! Ah. Mmm, I won't be afraid...just as long...as you s-stand." Levi looked up at me, slowing down, and I blushed. "Don't stop," I told him. He kept sucking, but watched me. I tried not to sing out loud, but the dark place kept coming back, and I didn't know how else to stop it. "Haa. Ah. So darling, darling, stand—mmm, by me, oh, oh—" I bucked my hips into his mouth just as he was stopping.

"Eren, are you singing?"

I blushed. "Does it matter?"

He sat up. "Is this too much?"

"No." I closed my legs some. "I just…I would be lying if I said I wasn't still nervous. But I'm okay. I swear."

He sighed and stood up. "Let's stop."

I gaped at him. "Are you kidding? I'm so hard. Please, look—really, I'm fine, I just—the song makes me relax. But I swear I'm okay. Please, just give me this."

He stared at me for a few seconds before saying quietly, "Want me to play it?"

I blushed. "Is that okay?" He went wordlessly over to his pants and got his phone out, typing on it for a moment. He got back on the bed and set the phone down on the bed as the song began to play.

"This is it, right?"

I nodded sheepishly, putting my arms around him. "Thank you."

He ran his hands down my back. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I shifted closer to him.

"Do you feel good?" He put his hand between my legs, making my face flush.

"Fuck yes." As the vocals started up, Levi laid me back down on the bed and started to kiss down my body again. "Levi, couldn't you just put it in?"

He shook his head, nibbling below my belly button. "Show me you can come first. Last time you didn't handle it well."

I groaned. "I'll come if you screw me."

"No," he whispered, flicking his tongue out to the head of my penis. "You're not ready." He took me into his mouth again, but unlike before, he wasn't messing around. He sucked hard, humming and rubbing me with his tongue and thrusting his fingers into me and making me scream. And he didn't stop until I finished, even though I begged him to, cock twitching, shooting my load into his mouth. He didn't stop until I was completely done, spent, exhausted. I couldn't move an inch. Levi lay beside me, moving his phone.

"I forgot," I said quietly.

"What?" He caressed my shoulder.

"I forgot about the song. I don't even know when it finished."

"Hm." We lay there like that for a moment, and I smiled, pleased that I made it through. It was hard, but I did it, and I didn't black out or have a flashback or need to stop.

"Your turn?" I said after a while, reaching for him.

"No. You're tired."

"But—"

"No. I'm okay."

I blushed. "I can see how hard you are."

"I can do it."

"You can still…"

"No." He looked genuinely irritated that I suggested it.

"But, I'm all ready already, so you can just—"

"I won't. Don't make me mad." I started to protest, but he pulled me closed and kissed me, deeply, and didn't stop until I was too tired to fight anymore. And even though I felt his hard-on pressing into me the whole time, he held me tightly until I fell asleep.

Without the sleeping pills, the nightmares came back full force, and I hardly got any sleep at all. Me being up with night terrors meant that Levi was up all night taking care of me, and by the time the alarm went off in the morning, we were both tired and cranky and at each other's throats.

"I want you to stay here," Levi said, getting up out of bed. "I still want to go to the gym, but I think it's better if you just make today a rest day instead of tomorrow."

"Okay." I didn't fight him on it, since I wanted a little more rest before going out. "When you get back, I'll start getting ready to meet with Franz and Hannah."

Levi sighed, pulling his shirt over his head. "No."

"No?"

"I told you, you're staying in bed." I watched as he continued to change on the other side of the room, his back to me.

"Well, I can't stay too long; I don't want to be late."

"What aren't you getting?" His tone was more firm than it had been. "You're not fucking going."

"Corporal—"

"Are you fucking shitting me, Jaeger, you've been screaming for hours, you look like shit—there's no way you're going to do well today." He sat beside me in bed, lacing his sneakers. "Just stay home." It sounded strangely like pleading.

I sat up and put my hand over his. "Please, just give me a chance," I whined quietly. I didn't want to quit, even though he was right. My throat was sore, my voice was hoarse, and it had been a very long night.

"Give you a—ugh," he scoffed, pulling his hand away. "Brat, I gave you a chance last night, and look what it did to you!" He gestured toward me with a distraught look on his face, and it made me want to cry.

I reached out for him again, but he stood up to avoid me. "Just because I had nightmares doesn't mean it's because of you."

He put his face in one hand in frustration. "First fucking night terrors you've had in three fucking weeks, but no, of course it has nothing to do with us screwing around last night; are you fucking stupid—"

"Hey, you didn't give me my pills, Levi; it was just because of that; don't be like this, come on—"

He laughed incredulously, throwing his arms up. "Oh, good! You're only losing your fucking shit because I didn't drug you, not because I sucked you off." He stormed out the room, screaming, "Because that's so much better!"

I climbed out of bed after him. "Levi, wait—"

He stopped in front of the door and put his hands out in front of me so that I wouldn't come any closer. "You know what? Just do whatever the fuck you want," he hissed, slamming the door behind him.