And now, a rare moment of silliness at the office and a glance into the authoress' life.
Mrs. Cash: Bianca can you do me a favour and give this to Mrs. Demeritte? I'd do it myself but I have to go somewhere and I don't want to get stuck in there (hands me a folder).
Me: (looks at the folder, looks up at Mrs. Cash and gives puppy dog eyes) Why do you hate me?
Mrs. Cash, Mrs. Knowles, Me: (almost kill ourselves laughing)
And now on to the fic.
Where the Hell Are We Now!
By Kaori
A day had passed since Naruto had started the first stage of his new training. Jiraiya would disappear into town to gather information while the Wild Cards contented themselves with playing tourist, keeping Naruto's company, and having pointless conversations like this one:
"Even if there was an outbreak of Solanum here, it wouldn't have the opportunity to spread too much." Reasoned Gina. "I mean, after all, from what I understand this continent has samurai and ninja up the wazoo."
"Yes but what if they don't recognize the threat when they see it?" proposed Bradley. "Also, not knowing what they are dealing with they'd take the wrong approach and end up infected as well. Could you imagine the kind of chaos an infected ninja could cause? Dealing with a normal infected person is difficult enough."
"Which is exactly why we must remain vigilant." Kotorra said gravely. "Remember, "No place is safe, only safer.""
"But should an outbreak occur you must admit that they are much better equipped for handling such a situation." Gina said. "After all, despite what the movies say, decapitation or destruction of the brain, followed by cremation is the only way to truly be rid of a zombie. From what I've seen the ninjas are quite adept at that."
"True, but they don't know that." Bradley argued.
"Which is why we need to educate people on how to recognize a Solanum outbreak and how to deal with the infected." Said Kotorra.
Today's discussion was on zombie outbreaks (1) and whether or not the elemental countries would be able to handle one; yesterday was a debate as to the true purpose of the History Monks (2). Naruto, who was practicing about ten feet away from the trio as a safety precaution, would find himself in Zombie Survival 101 later that evening.
On the second day of Naruto's training, Gina decided to try creating a golem with mixed results. She'd only managed to produce a large boulder at her best attempt and petrified thirty square feet of grass at her worst. Despite the failures she did learn a bit more of what she was capable of.
During the same day, the trio dragged Naruto off to eat as they refused to allow the gennin to skip meals in favour of training.
"How do you expect to do anything if your body hasn't got the fuel?" reasoned Kotorra "Your brain and muscles need food to function properly!"
"But…Kotorra-saaaaaan…" whined Naruto.
"No buts unless it's yours in a chair in a restaurant!"
Truthfully, Naruto was glad for the interruption, it gave him a chance to contemplate the problem at hand. Thus far, he'd managed to get the water in the balloon to spin but he couldn't get it to burst. What was he missing? A hand connecting soundly with the back of his head broke him out of his thoughts.
"What the hell was that for!" he demanded. Gina grinned at him.
"Stop trying to force yourself to get the answer. It's probably staring you right in the face but you're looking so hard you can't see it."
"That makes no sense."
"Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result doesn't make sense either." The hazel-eyed girl shrugged. "Now eat up."
Truth be told, Naurto didn't come up with a solution to his quandary until the following morning thanks to the inn's cat, Shu. If Jiraiya was impressed he didn't show it as he explained stage two of the training: bursting a rubber ball.
During this stage, the KGB spent less time around Naruto and more time looking for leads with Jiraiya. This was mostly done to make sure Naruto had as few distractions as possible as to make certain that Jiraiya himself didn't get distracted. In Bradley and Kotorra's mind, in a town this size it shouldn't be taking this long to find a lead. If there were no leads, why were they still hanging around here?
Sometime during one of these excursions, Naruto mastered the second stage of the training. Jiraiya and company arrived just in time to watch the boy be blown away by the force of the explosion.
"Heh, let's start the third stage quickly." He said.
"Not just yet, we're going to go meet Tsunade." Jiraiya said. "I'll explain the basics on the way."
Stage three consisted of an ordinary, air-filled balloon; what Naruto had to do now was combine the first two stages of the training an maintain that power into a tight ball without breaking the balloon. Naruto would continue the training while they walked. Once again the KGB found themselves engrossed in another pointless conversation…
"The only logical answer is purple." Insisted Bradley.
"No way. Dark blue makes more sense." Kotorra countered.
"You're both wrong. He'd turn grey." Gina said matter-of-factly.
Kotorra had decided to tell her two friends about her encounter with Kisame and Itachi in detail and Gina had become fixated on Kisame's unusual skin-tone and had wondered aloud what colour he would turn if one were to strangle him (3).
"Look, a person turns blue from lack of oxygen, right? Reasoned Kotorra. "It only makes more sense that they get even bluer than they already are."
Jiraiya shook his head at the trio's antics but soon found himself wondering what colour a suffocating Kisame would turn.
The city wasn't too far and they arrived late in the afternoon. They started searching in the nearest gambling establishment only to find that they'd just missed her. The next place they searched was the same result (with the added bonus of Naruto winning enough cash to refill his wallet at a one-armed bandit(4)).
"Wow, Naruto I've never seen anyone that lucky." Bradley congratulated him. "You'd probably clean up in Vegas."
"Vegas?" blinked Naruto.
"Yeah man, Las Vegas! There are casinos and strip clubs everywhere! And if that's not your thing there are theatres with magic shows, singers, and all sorts of other entertainment!"
"Sounds like a place Ero-sennin would like."
"Naruto, there is something for everybody in Las Vegas." Gina said.
"Have you ever been?"
"Once. My dad took me there and when I was eight and we went to two magic shows, a concert, and to the theme park."
"Theme park?"
Gina explained Six Flags to Naruto who was very excited when she told him about the rollercoasters. This in turn led to Bradley and Gina arguing over which theme park had the best rollercoasters. Kotorra tuned the three of them out and turned to Jiraiya.
"So where do we look next?"
"We'll resume the search from a high place. This city is under Tanzaku Castle so we'll go there."
However, when they did get there…
"Hey where's the castle?" asked Naruto.
"I smell reptiles…" sniffed Bradley. "Big reptiles." This spurred Jiraiya into action. Ordering the KGB to stay put, he and Naruto went to investigate. Once again, they arrived too late; they had just missed Tsunade and, consequently, Orochimaru.
They searched the city until it got dark and then decided to get some food.
"But Ero-sennin, this is a bar!" protested Naruto.
"You don't have to drink just snack on the appetizers. Besides, information is usually found in places like this." Jiraiya said, suddenly pausing. "Tsunade!"
"Jiraiya…" a buxom blonde near the back blinked in surprise. "Why are you in a place like this?"
"Ha, we finally found you." Said Jiraiya.
"That pretty girl is the person we're looking for?" wondered Naruto. "She doesn't look fifty?"
"Smells fifty to me." Bradley said.
"Really?"
"Yeah, I've learned to trust my nose a lot more since I've been here and if that woman isn't fifty I'm a lemur."
"Lemur?"
"Let's just sit down."
The group had to get a larger booth due to there being more people than the booth Tsunade and her aide, Shizune, had been sitting at.
"Hmph, today I met somebody that brings back bad memories." Tsunade said, once the appetizers and drinks had arrived.
"Orochimaru? He's here too? Did he do anything?" asked Jiraiya. Shizune and Tusnade shared a quick look that didn't go unnoticed by the white-haired man, Kotorra and Bradley didn't miss it either. Gina was preoccupied with something going on near the bar and Naruto was busy eating.
"Just a greeting. But you, what brings you here? Why'd you come looking for me?"
It was then that Jiraiya revealed the purpose of their visit. Tsunade made an offhand comment that Orochimaru mentioned he'd tried to kill Sandaime which led to an outburst from Naruto, demanding to know just who exactly Orochimaru is.
"Settle down, Naruto." Kotorra tried to calm the blonde down. "You're drawing more attention than usual.
"Who are these kids?" asked Tsunade, she'd been wondering about them (especially the really strange one with the dog ears) and now was as good a time as any to ask.
"The blonde boy is Uzumaki Naruto." Jiraiya replied, if Tsunade was surprised she didn't show it. "The girl trying to get him to pipe down is Kotorra Lewis, the boy that looks like he's part dog is Bradley Davis, and the longer haired brunette is…. Eh? Where'd Gina go?"
Everyone looked around frantically until cheering at the bar drew their attention in that direction.
"The man I loved, passed away! I know I will go with him to the crematory! Making a statement with my tragic outfit I'm holding back tears, like a riderless horsie!"
"Oh dear Lord…" Bradley hid his face in his hands, while Kotorra just looked amused.
Gina had removed her hair tie and was sitting on the bar singing with a sake bottle in her hand.
"Gina you idiot!" yelled Bradley getting up from her seat, Kotorra close behind. Paying her friends no mind, the long-haired brunette continued to wail.
"Alone in the night I sit here waiting! Left all alone, nursing my drink and my broken heart!" at this point Bradley tried to grab Gina's sake. "Touch that and I'll bite your hand off!" She hissed. Bradley backed off. "The wails of a tortured soul!" The bridge of the song was lost as she seemed to forget the words. "Nevermore…NEVERMORE to have you here next to me!"
"I wish…" Kotorra muttered.
"Buried in the same grave as my looooove! (5)" and with that last note, she fell off her perch on the bar into Bradley's waiting arms.
"She's completely smashed." He commented. "What idiot gave her alcohol?" Several men near the end of the bar started whistling suspiciously.
When Kotorra and Bradley finally managed to get Gina away from the bar and the various drunken perverts that had been encouraging her, Tusande and Naruto were in the middle of a standoff; both looked ticked off.
"You and me, outside, now." Said Tsunade. The KGB looked at each other in confusion (especially Gina) and followed the others outside.
And that's as far as this will go for the time being. As much as I'd like to keep going I really can't think of a way to write the next part that won't throw the timing off of this chapter (well, throw the timing off even more. The timing of this chapter is a little screwed up in my opinion).
(1)Has anybody else read "The Zombie Survival Guide?" Why haven't you? Don't you know that the undead are everywhere? Fool!
(2)Discworld!
(3)This is basically just another version of the debate over what colour a Smurf turns when you strangle it.
(4)In other words, a slot machine.
(5)The song is from Phantom Quest Corp and I'm not completely certain that those are the lyrics.