Life goes on. It really does. But she hasn't been faring as well as she's been wanting to. After the visit to Killian, she finds herself awfully distracted more than she should be. It's affecting her work performance slightly but she covers it up enough to make it seem like she's doing fine. The thing is, no one knows about her past, and no one really knows about her visits to Killian at jail.
The only good thing that's been well in her life so far is the fact she's made a couple new friends. Some would say it's her turning point. David Nolan who is basically her boss, is a nice guy, a little protective, but nice. Mary Margaret who drops by sometimes to give him his coffee for the day is his longterm girlfriend, and it's surprising they haven't yet married because damn can she see the looks they make at each other. They're practically married without being married. It's not her business though, so she keeps her nose in her own book, and refrains from anything of their relationship.
And it sort of feels odd, because sometimes when Emma's around them, she feels like she can belong somehow. Like a family of the sorts, yet not family, but really close friends. And she's glad about that.
Not to mention the outgoing brunette she's met at his diner. Her name's Ruby, which ironically fits her because she has a couple of red streaks in her hair, but other than that, she's a feisty. And although Emma finds her a bit too talkative, she's a big help when it comes to encouraging her to do certain things, or like reserving her order exactly the way she wants it because of how often she drops by each night to catch a drink or snack.
But, still, stress levels are as high as ever. Chasing someone in high heels is not ideal, and never will be, because Emma decides to drop them to go after his perp. Let's just say, by the time she gets back to the apartment she's shared with Killian for so long, her first idea is to drop on the couch. Yeah, she passes out immediately without being able to make it to bed. That turns out as another bad idea, because the next morning, her back is sore, her neck is strained, and she can barely find enough strength to pull herself off from the couch.
She didn't even change last night.
Needless to say, taking a shower makes her nostalgic and reminiscent of her old habits with Killian. He used to always shower before her, because she was a total pussy when it came to showering first. Maybe it was because she was never used to have a normal life, like a normal person. The day she first showered in so many years, reminded her of the days she used to be soaked in rain under a heavy, dark thunderstorm. It used to remind her so much about how she was quite frightened of thunder because she never knew where it came from.
And through her foster homes, none satisfied her, none satisfied her foster parents, none satisfied her teachers, and hence, the shitty chronicles of her life went on.
However through so many years of struggles, abandonment, loneliness, and being stuck in the dark, she's finally managed to pull herself out- credit to Killian Jones- and change her life for the better. Not that Killian being gone was a change for the better (in some ways, it's motivated her to do something with her life instead of being a criminal herself), which by all means, could say it's changed for the better. But, sleeping in an empty bed, remembering the dead silence she hates because it reminds her of how she's cried herself to sleep before due to being in a real shitty place at a real horrendous time? Not the good side of her life of course, and definitely not a side she's ever going to be willing to share with anyone but Killian himself.
Pulling herself together, Emma changes, grabs her phone and keys, and leaves the apartment. It's been three months.
Three months since Killian's leave to jail. Three times she's visited him, and within those three times, she used up every second that she was given to talk to him. It's never enough to satisfy her though, because the moment she walks away, and he goes in the opposite direction, something urges for her to just run away, to forget about everything, to forget about Killian, and to go back to her old ways. But, then there's this other thing urging her to move on, to grow, to punch back and prove to everyone, including herself, about who she truly is, and will be.
As follows, the next couple of days are either sorting through some paperwork about her new chase down, or actually chasing someone down. And each night- wait, no, early mornings she ends up in the same place because she doesn't know how to let go.
She ends up burrowing herself in Killian's bed, which still smells like rum and leather, and she never gets tired of it. Even if it means reminding her where he is now, she just wants to stay in bed and never get out. The window is creaked open, and she's unwilling to get out of bed because she's dead tired, so she curls herself up and misses the open arms of him keeping her warm and safe. And gods, the same scent fills her nose each night.
Is it that obvious she's not in a good mood? Apparently so, because when she strides into the office to grab her folders to read over some details, David's sending her sudden glares of concerns, and it starts to annoy her because none of this business is supposed to concern him. It only makes it worse when he actually decides to ask.
"Emma, are you alright? You seem a bit annoyed or something," he exclaims.
She glances up from the folder and sighs. "Tired. Didn't get home until really late yesterday, and I ended up waking up earlier than intended and couldn't go back to sleep." She flips through the papers and sighs a second time because it's another time to deal with some stupid people who skipped bail.
"You should take a two-day break, you've been working really hard on these perps, and I think you having a bit of a rest will bring you back to normal."
"I insist that I'm fine, David. A good rest is all I need, and I'm sure I can squeeze that in somewhere, so, yeah. I don't want you setting aside time for me to take a break because I seem like I can't take care of myself. I assure you, I'm fine," she says sternly, dropping the folder down at her desk.
"When someone says that, they're not fine." He leans back in his chair, stretching his feet out under the table. "I may only have known you for two weeks, but you're one of the hardest working people in the department at the moment, and a two-day break isn't that much to ask for. I'm your boss, I'm ordering you to take a two-day break starting tomorrow."
"Really?" Emma drawls out, rolling her eyes at how stubborn he can be- persistent too. "So what're you going to do if I come into work tomorrow morning?"
He laughs carelessly, shaking his head. "I'm going to drive you back home and make sure you stay in that apartment." He rolls his chair back so he's sitting up properly again. "And don't test me on that, Emma. I will do it."
"Fine, whatever."
"Hey, don't sass me!"
"You took it the wrong way, Dave. But, it's alright, really." She chuckles, yawning shortly after. "Thanks for expressing your concern though."
He nods. "Of course! Any time, Emma."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go trash talk a couple of skippers now."
/-/-/-/-/-/
For those two days, she's dropped by The Rabbit Hole, and so many things just get flushed into her mind at once, Robin even realizes. It pulls at her gut because she knows exactly what Robin is thinking, and thinking of saying, but damn, it's good thing he keeps his mouth shut. One night, her last break, she's playing darts in the corner of the bar, everything so fresh and raw about Killian teaching her. Patience, trusting her abilities, every single word of advice still lingers in her mind. Don't even get her started about the accent, and how low his voice seemed that very night.
However her practice gets interrupted by a familiar person. He's a great guy in the department, has a high reputation and everything.
"Emma, I didn't know you were a sucker for darts," Graham exclaims, dropping down into the closest seat.
She sighs, throwing the dart, damn, close to bullseye. So close. "Well, you learned something new about me today, Graham."
He chuckles. "Where'd you get that good? I haven't seen a good player in ages," he asks, propping his elbow on the small table.
It stings. The not-so-subtle memory of Killian teaching her, the day she beat him (oh boy the aftermath too), everything that she's been trying to avoid for the last two days comes crashing down at her immediately because he asked a question. "A friend of mine taught me awhile back," she answers softly, spinning the dart around in her hands. Not a lie, but now she's cautious about how she's acting. This is the problem behind keeping everything inside her walls.
"Sensitive topic?"
"Sort of, I guess." She shrugs picking the current dart off of the board. "I've never seen you around here, what's up, Graham?"
He hesitates for an answer, and it doesn't go unnoticed. "Noticed you drop by here often."
"Stalking me?" she asks, aiming the dart at the target
He shakes his head, swirling a glass of whatever the hell he's drinking in his hand. "Was on patrol, like the usual." There's a pause, as if he's about to say something else, and dear god, he does. "I was wondering, if you'd like to go out for dinner sometime? I mean, you don't have to if you want, I'd understand."
Her heart is pounding, because this is exactly the kind of thing she needs to avoid. No more relationships further than friendship. No more letting people in so easily, and no more being a reckless romantic. "You're a great guy and all, but I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment. Sorry, Graham," she answers him.
"It's fine. Just wanted to give it a shot, and who am I to deny a lady's wish? On another note, I'd better get going. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. 'Night Graham."
Shortly after Graham's departure, she pays her tab for the night and says goodnight to Robin out the way out. By the time she's back at the apartment, her entire head is throbbing in some sort of headache, so she grabs a couple of painkillers and water to subdue it for the night. By the time she's in bed, the only thing she remembers is that Graham asked her out, and now she's sulking around in her own pain of missing Killian's presence.
The next morning, she feels hungover, though she didn't really have many drinks the previous night. The pain in her head is gone, but her neck is still sore from the time she dropped on the couch. The familiar scent invades all of her senses, her legs are a tangled mess under the covers, and she's staring at the blank spaces. It's too early, she supposes, having to get a quick glance over at the digital clock sitting on the table. "Way too early," she grumbles, throwing the sheets over her head.
If there's anything pushing her to get out of bed and prepare for the remainder of her day- which results in talk, run and repeat- it's some nagging voice of Killian telling her to move her lazy ass. If there's anything she'd like more, it's a day to herself without him popping up into her mind, haunting her 24/7. Being in a jail when you're relatively innocent, a horrible environment, and possibly damaged people surrounding him? She doesn't know how he'll be in a couple of years, and it hurts to even think about the possibility of him changing into some new man she doesn't recognize.
And within the three times she's visited him in the three months of separation, each day passes by to only prove to be harder to cope with. No matter where she is or what she's doing, her mind does one thing, her body does another. Her body does the work, her mind does the stupid thinking that she hates.
And fucking damn, does she wish she could move on and just be patient and wait.
But patience isn't much of a virtue for her, and if it's waiting she has to do, for years, she's unsure about it at all. Every night will be the same, and god, she just wants to touch him and hear him and feel every inch of his skin against hers again.
But damn, does this distance hurt so badly. So much that she can't sleep sometimes. So much when she's chasing down a guy who ditched his wife and kids and did something illegal, that she hopes that her life won't turn out like that. Because everything, in the end, comes in a full circle.
Plus, with Graham taking the risk with trying to ask her out on a date, she panicked. Badly. Hesitance took over her body at that moment, and to be honest, she's not exactly hoping to see him at work. Not that she will though, she's probably going to be going about another guy- not in high heels- so, it's safe to say she may not see him around for a bit. And it's not a total effort of avoiding Graham, he's nice, friendly, generous and everything a woman could wish for, but this safety she feels, this easiness, it's not something she wants, and definitely not with Graham.
Maybe it's the thrill of the old-thief in her speaking. She wants risks, dangers and so many more things, as long as it's consequence doesn't end with her heart being shredded to pieces. Emma Swan is complicated, as complexity has been her sort of thing since the beginning- simplicity is a no-go- and it probably won't change a thing about the way she is. Ever.
While she drives to work in her yellow bug, things are never in her favour. When she pulls into the parking lot, she finds herself being greeted by a joyful Mary Margaret leaving. Emma likes her, she does, but this woman is always in a good mood, and she can only wonder why. It's like her entire body and personality screams 'optimism' and 'hope,' and Emma does not need a reminder about being hopeful. That's been her life for years- hoping for nothing in particular. Not until Killian waltzed into her life, well the other way around, but then she started feeling hope about their relationship, and look where they are now. Ex-thief working for the law, ex-assassin serving his not-so-deserved time in jail. Wonderful.
/-/-/-/-/-/
TWO YEARS LATER
It's a Sunday, frigid weather outside where she doesn't want to leave the comfort of the apartment, but she needs to because it's the date where she's supposed to visit Killian. He's been in jail for a little over two years now, and it feels like forever. She hates this.
So much. And she can't do anything but endure it.
And what good will it do going there anyways? Christmas is in a week, and she's been spending her granted two week break doing nothing except watching Netflix, and drinking hot chocolate. Everything in her life is as empty as ever, and whenever she thinks about it, whenever she wants to call out for Killian, she remembers it's only her, and it's always been her alone. Though she knows that's not true, it's still yelling at her to know that he's gone, and won't return for a very long time.
By the time she's at the jail, the man who always greets her has already become really fond of her schedule.
She's enraged.
"Killian, what in the fucking world happened to your face?" Her blood is boiling, she can feel it seeping through her hollow bones, and she's never asked for this.
"A fight, love. Nothing uncalled for," he mutters.
She sighs, shaking her head out of disappointment, because he couldn't listen to her for once. "You promised you wouldn't get yourself into trouble." She leans back in the chair, her hand scrubbing up and down her face in frustration.
"Please, Swan." He scoffs bitterly and it makes her wince at his response. "I never intended for it to happen, but that's how the jail life is. You didn't honestly think I would be able to sit around in peace forever, did you?" He cranes his neck. "I had to fend for myself. Bloody bastard probably has a broken nose now."
"Killian."
"I'm sorry, but to be quite honest, I'm not much of the same man from two years ago." Well, isn't that obvious? But, it hurts to even think about it, it hurts to know he's aware of his own behaviour. "But my heart has never stopped aching for you." He sighs, the pain in his eyes clouding the regular blue innocence she used to see. "The fight was about me defending my own honour, I lost my temper because they were insulting me about how no one could ever love a man like me."
"And you believed them?" she asks, her eyebrows creasing together in confusion.
Empty air, hanging words, no answer.
"You really think you can't be loved, Killian? If that's how you feel, I wouldn't visit you every month to talk to you, to see you." She slams her hands on the table, looking at him intently through the glass separator. "If that's how you feel, do you want me to walk out and never come back again? I can surely keep a promise for that, because I did not leave the comfort of our apartment on holiday break to come find out you got in a stupid fight."
"You feel obligated to come here, lass. You made me a promise, and you said you wouldn't break it."
"It was more than a promise! It was me giving you my trust."
"Then you trusted the wrong man, Swan! I have never loved a woman so much until I had met you. And I can't do anything to be with you, because I'm stuck here thanks to the bloody devil who cursed my destiny!" He slams his fists which are cuffed on the surface. "I can't keep my promise of not getting into trouble, because every piece of trouble I get into relates with you, and I can't stand around and take the hit like it means nothing, because it means everything!"
Ouch… that hurt. A bit.
More than a bit actually. 'Then you trusted the wrong man, Swan!' echoes.
She doesn't know what to say really. Both out of breath and speechless, she only manages to conjure a couple of words up in time. "So I'm the source of your troubles?"
"Aye. And you bloody well do a good job at troubling me because I can't let you go, even though I should."
It takes a lot of guts to say it, but she might as well set it straight now. She did not come out here to argue with him, she doesn't intend to leave here without him knowing one thing. "You know, I might as well stop visiting you. I'm adding fuel to the fire." And god, that statement hurts to say, but she needed to, and now she already regrets it in a way, because she's going to miss seeing him if she does stop visiting. Her mind doesn't have an answer yet.
"Please don't," he begs, the blue in his eyes returning, no longer dark and stormy.
She laughs softly, and it's a sad laugh that she knows herself. She shifts her feet slowly, shaking her head. "Too late. Might want to reconsider your words for next time, Jones."
"So will there be a next time?"
"No promises." The pause grows in between, but before she turns her back on him, she sees the abandonment in his eyes. "I learned that I shouldn't make one that can't be kept, because it only breaks hearts further than they deserve."
And for the first time in two years, she goes home and cries. Just what exactly has she done?
/-/-/-/-/-/
Like two ships passing by the dawn of the day, Killian has royally fucked up his entire relationship with Emma Swan.
To say he doesn't regret what he said earlier would be a lie. He does regret every single word, because he was angry, frustrated, lost, and almost done with everything done with all of his stupid life. No matter much he can keep up his gumption self, it's not going to last long because he just pretty much lost the one thing that really matters to his life. Just with the snap of a finger, a fault of words spewed out in an argument, and a grave mistake which was waiting to be made.
Thanks to him losing his temper and having a terrible day, he took it out on her.
Of course he doesn't sleep that night. It takes a toll on his body in the afternoon, but luckily a couple of his buddies in the gang help him out. He gets death glares from the guy who he punched in the face, including his gang of enemies too.
He doesn't even remember why he said those things to her, not even the meaning behind them because he fucked up so badly, he tries to forget about it. But he can't, because that was the turn of their relationship. No more looking forward to the days where she'll come to visit him. No more hearing her voice, or seeing her golden hair. No more gazing deeply into her shining green eyes. Nothing. What's left are the stupid memories which haunt him on a daily basis.
The same old empty feeling in his heart burns, stings, hurts so much he can't even describe it. Lawrence keeps his mouth shut luckily upon his return. Now that he's screwed up, let her go like that, he realizes how much he loves her, and can't stand to see her walk away. Might as well turn his frown into his face, because that's how he looks for the next day or two. Completely under the weather, sick and tired of his life.
He's only human. Human enough to handle so much ache and pain, only able to hate so much, only able to love so much. And now that everything in his life has started to work it's way past the horizon, he'll never see it rise again, because he's in hell. In a hell he'll never be able to escape because he just screwed up in such an unimaginable way. What are the chances of him getting an opportunity to apologize to her? Slim, probably, and though he would love to keep his hand on hope, every bit of light that used to burn closely to him is fading away. It's out of his grasp, and he just wants to drown, drown in anything.
He dives too deep into his pain, too much to where he results to fights, a lot of them. He's just lucky that they aren't charging him any further.
Days and weeks go by slower than usual, and soon it turns into months. To him, he still remembers every detail of their dumb argument, and the more he looks back on it, the more he thinks about how foolish he was to even retaliate at her with words he never actually meant. And he could remember how there was the hurt in her eyes, the pain in her heart, the madness going around in her head, because like usual, she was the open book in his life he could read. But there's no such thing anymore. He's tugged on a wrong string, and now she's gone.
She hasn't visited for seven months, and it becomes more evident as each bloody day goes by.
You could say he feels like a psychopath, but that isn't even close to what would describe him. He's a lovestruck asshole of a boyfriend who's learned to ruin a relationship from some stupid words, and he's unable to get over it, because that's how much he loves Emma Swan- he pushed her out. There's nothing in the world he could ever do to hate her, but there is everything he could do to hate himself to the end of the world and back.
But, there's the determination in his heart. Though she will not forgive him- because gods above he doesn't even forgive himself- he's going to win her over again somehow, no matter what he has to do, he's willing to do it all over again. He's willing to love her all over again. He's willing to win her heart over all over again. He's willing to fight for the trust he's lost within five minutes time.
Perhaps it's the mistake that's brought it to the attention, but now that he screwed up, it's obvious about what he has to do.