Chapter 13
Guilt and Forgiveness
Hermione woke later in night to the screaming of her own aching muscles and an empty bed, cold bed. She felt her heart drop. She was sure he'd stay with her. She had wanted him, no she needed him to stay with her. She wondered what had woken her when she herd Severus' raised voice.
'She's been forced to wear the outline of my mistakes on her skin Albus!'
'It will fade, she will not be marked my boy, you know this.' Hermione moved to the edge of the bed and willed her voice to remain silent as her body protested every move she made.
'That's not the point old man and you know it!'
Hermione herd the headmaster sigh and one of them sitting in a chair. She really hoped it was Severus. There was no way he should be moving about if he was experiencing half of what she was right now. Then again she thought, she probably shouldn't be moving either.
'She was put under the Curcaitus, for less than a minute, but she was put under it none the less. Because of me.' Severus said, his voice sounded so broken and defeated.
'Severus My boy, I'd be careful if I were you, people may think you actually care for your young wife.' Dumbledore said and Hermione could see the damnable twinkle in the elder man's eye as clear as if she had actually been in the room.
'Don't test me Albus it's been a trying day and you can be assured I will not debauch my reputation further than I already have by doing what this school already believes me guilty of doing.'
'And what might that be my boy?' Albus asked, his tone curious, and inquisitive. Hermione herd Robes rustling once more and assumed that the Headmaster had now sat down in the chair facing Severus.
'Sleeping with my student.' Severus answered, his tone suggesting that Dumbledore knew exactly what the student body thought they'd be doing and that it didn't need to be voiced out loud.
'She is your wife.' Albus answered lightly, though Hermione got the feeling that there was more being said in the old man's face, than what she was hearing.
'I am her professor.' Severus Replied as if that answered everything.
Hermione tried to stand but her legs gave way at the same time as her heart broke and she realised that she would never truly have Severus Snape, no matter how close they became or how she felt for him. She would always be his student and then his wife.
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Severus tore his gaze away from the Headmaster, who had always been able to read him so fully, like the pages of an open book. He knew how he felt about Hermione there was no other witch like her. Not even Lily's flame Shaun as bright as Hermione's did. She was intelligent, passionate, courageous and held her head high no matter what life hurled at her. She was not what most men would call beautiful, but she had a confidence of mind that made her, at least to Severus, more stunning than any beauty queen on the planet. She was confident in her own skin in a way that he had never been at her age and he had a great admiration for that.
He would admit it to himself but not to anyone else. He was in love with Hermione Granger.
'So you two haven't consummated your marriage?' Dumbledore asked in the same tone of voice he would use to ask if it was raining outside. Hermione fumed. That was personal. He had no right.
Severus didn't voice his answer aloud but Hermione could imagine the withering glare that would be directed in the old man's direction.
'And if the ministry decided to test Miss Granger as they did with Mrs Potter?'
'It won't come to that.' Severus assured the older man.
'Perhaps you should…do the deed just to be sure.'
'And do what Albus? Would you care to hold her down whilst I Rape her?' He asked with a light growl. And Hermione wished she could walk out there and tell him he wouldn't need to rape her. He could take her any damn time he pleased, and she'd be more than willing.
'I'm sure if you explained it to her she would….' Albus began, but Severus cut him off.
'I will not!' Severus Bellowed. 'I've put her through too much already Albus. You will not ask me to put her through that as well. You asked me to Marry her to protect her, not to damage her and I've already done a fine good job of that without adding Marital rape to the list.' Severus said groaning as he stood up. 'Now I need to go give her a pain potion or she'll not be able to walk for a week.'
Hermione sat on the edge of the bed and waited for the man to enter the room. He looked at her and sighed.
'How much did you hear?' he asked, all traces of annoyance leaving his face as he looked at her small form on the edge of the bed.
'Enough.' She said wincing slightly as she pushed herself back onto the bed.
'Here.' He said helping her to drink the pain potion he had brought for her.
'We could you know, I wouldn't mind. It wouldn't be rape.' She said lightly, her stomach doing summer saults as she watched for his reaction. Would he agree? Would he reject her? She wasn't sure what she felt would be harder to accept.
Severus shook his head. 'No I will not ask that of you, and Dumbledore had no right to ask me to ask. He did enough when he married you off to me without your knowledge like some 12th century daughter he needed a dowaery from.'
'I see.' Hermione said as he helped her to lie down again. She should have known he would stick to his morals. There was no way he'd sleep with her. Not whilst she was still his student at any rate.
'You need to rest Hermione, the potions will help with the pain, you will experience tremors for a few days, but you have no lasting damage.' Severus said with a reassuring tone.
'Why are you not feeling it like I am?' she asked lying back into the pillows.
'It's like most things the body adapts, the more times you experience the curse the quicker the body can bounce back from them, however that doesn't mean that the damage isn't there, for example I get constant aches between my shoulders because of prolonged exposure and Lucius Malfoy uses a cane at thirty-five' He said and she couldn't help but giggle.
'You on the other hand experienced the curse for the first time, meaning your body is not used to the pain caused by the spell.' Severus said lightly.
Hermione nodded and looked at her hands which were placed neatly in her lap. She had no idea what to say to him now. She was still stinging slightly from his refusal to even consider sleeping with her.
'Try and get some rest I'll come back in four hours or so with another dose of pain relief for you, but sleep is the best thing for you right now.' He said lightly and turned to leave.
'You're not a bad man you know' Hermione said as he reached the door. 'Sure most wouldn't call you a hero but you're not a villain either.'
Severus looked at the floor his hand resting on the doorframe. 'Your young yet Hermione, there's still time for you to realise that there are some things you just cannot come back from, no matter how much you want to.'
Hermione lifted her head defiantly at his words. She wouldn't let him wallow in his guilt anymore. 'Show me one man, one person who hasn't made a mistake Severus Snape. The world isn't black and white like Dumbledore or Harry or hell even Voldemort would have us believe. It's made up of shades of grey'
Severus opened his mouth to speak but she continued over him. 'And I Forgive you for yours.'
With those words she slowly turned herself away from him leaving him to ponder on her words and the wisdom within them.
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The next morning Hermione awoke to find the Severus had already left, He had left a dose of mild pain potion on the coffee table with a note to say take it if she needed it though he didn't think she would. She sighed and grabbed her book bag cursing as her hand shook with the wait of it.
She slowly made her way up to the great hall and sat down next to Harry and Ron. Attempting to pick up the jug of pumpkin juice and growling as her hand tremored, spilling half the jug across the table.
'You alright Mi?' Harry asked taking the jug from her and helping her to pour her juice.
'I'm fine, just stress is all.' She muttered, taking a piece of toast from the rack. There was no way she was going to tell Harry that she had been in the presence of Voldemort and had been tortured and essentially made into a Death Eater's whore. With a mark on her arm to prove it. He would freak and no doubt try to hurt Severus in some way.
'Okay, Did you hear about Malfoy?'
'No, I spent the night with the girls on Saturday and spent Sunday with Severus.' She said knowing that this time she wasn't actually lying to her best friends.
'Well Apparently he's being reprimanded by the Ministry for a curse his father put on him when the law was announced.' Ron said round a mouthful of porridge, making Harry and Hermione grimace.
'A curse?' Hermione asked curious, she knew that Lucius Malfoy was a Death eater within the inner circle and no doubt his own wife bore the same mark as she now did, if she had not taken the actual dark mark, And Narcissa Malfoy did not strike her as the type to want a great black tattoo on her fore arm, no matter what her beliefs were.
'Yes apparently the curse would kill any child that was conceived as a female.' Harry whispered looking over at the Slytherin table.
'The Ministry are saying is a breech on the birthing act of the new law.' Lavender said in a hushed tone.
'Well yes I suppose it would be.' Hermione said turning to look at Raine who had appeared to have been crying at some point. Hermione knew the girl had suffered a miscarriage the month before and she could only imagine how the girl must be feeling knowing now that the child had likely been a girl and that was why she had been lost. 'Poor girl.'
'What do you think they'll do to him?' Lavender asked.
'I'm not sure, but I doubt it'll be good for Malfoy, even if he himself didn't know about the curse.' Hermione shrugged as the post arrived. She barely looked up knowing she would receive nothing. She had written an angry letter to her parents the following week informing them that she would not be allowed to return home for the Christmas holidays as her new husband was required to stay at Hogwarts.
That had caused them to respond with more questions about who Dumbledore had paired her with and what he was like and when they would get to meet him. She had promptly told them that no they would not get to meet her Potions Professor as he was a busy man and they had too much to do with attempting to conceive the two children they were required to have by law, thanks to their hair brained ideas of trying to keep her safe.
She had yet to get a response from them and she was glad. She was fed up of her parents. Every time she had come home they would moan about how they hated she was a witch and yet when it came down to it they had had her married off in secret without her consent in the name of concern. No she was well aware of what her parents had had planned when they herd about the new law, get rid of their freakish daughter who was no longer interested in following in her parents footsteps and inheriting the dental practise.
She was broken out of her thoughts by a loud thump as a pair of owls landed in front of her with a rather heavy, bookish looking parcel. 'Thank you.' She muttered relieving them of their burden as they flew off towards the Owlery.
'Who's that from?' Ron asked nodding to the envelope that was attached to the top of the parcel.
Hermione took it in hand and read the short note.
Hermione,
You maybe ready to forgive me my grey area's but I am not yet ready to forgive myself, however you have given me something to think about thank you.'
Severus Snape.
Hermione put the letter to one side and tore open the package gasping as she saw the hardback editions of every book in the Outlander series. She ran her hands across the beautiful hard backs and smiled. Maybe there was hope for Severus after all. Why else would he have gone to the trouble to track down a set of muggle books if he didn't care for her just a little bit?