If Sam could compare how the bunker felt like right now to a historic event, he would definitely go with the cold war. Things were a bit more edgy at the bunker lately and Sam was just waiting for the shit to hit the fan in the form of one of those spectacular fights that left him alone, with the duty of picking up the pieces. The tense and hostile environment was slowly eating away at all of them. Sam usually refrained from being in the same room as the two of them. It wasn't just the atmosphere that bothered him, but the way either one of them would look at him, obviously asking for help. Cas usually pleaded for an excuse to escape, while Dean called for back up against Cas.
Dean and Cas tried to avoid each other for different reasons, which was stupid considering they lived together. Especially whenever Sam called them both to help him with research. They would sit on different ends of the table, and Dean would be visibly aggressive towards Cas. The two idiots would fight over the smallest things and argue more than usual whenever they had different opinions regarding the case they were working on. As expected, the shit hit the fan when Dean woke up one lazy Sunday morning and walked into the kitchen. He wanted some bacon and eggs and was already planning what he would make for lunch. Dean stopped planning his meals when he saw both doors slightly ajar.
"Who left this open?" He shouted when he saw Sam enter the kitchen.
"How the hell would I know?" Sam rubbed his eyes and glared at Dean. He heard Cas jogging towards the kitchen area, probably worried about Dean.
"Dean, what's wrong?" Cas entered the room wearing his green flannel pajamas. He looked at Sam and Dean who looked perfectly safe. Upon seeing this, he was able to relax a bit.
"Was it you?" Dean barked at Cas.
"What happened?" Cas asked.
"Did you leave this open last night?" Dean growled while taking everything out of the fridge and sniffing each object obsessively.
Cas hesitated to answer and Dean growled in response.
"Figures, never trust an angel with this stuff." The comment was made in such a strong tone that it made Cas take a step back. "Can you smell this chicken?" Dean shouted holding a plastic bag of raw chicken breasts in his hand. Sam gave Dean and Cas a worried look. "It shouldn't smell like this, Cas!" Dean gripped said chicken and threw it towards Cas. It didn't cause much damage to his shirt, because of the bag, but Cas barely had the time to react and catch it properly. Dean returned to check out the food.
"Dean-" Sam started talking.
"The greens are good, Sam. Don't worry." Dean grumbled and looked up from where he was fishing stuff out of the fridge. He looked at Cas with the chicken in his hands. "What are you doing just standing there?" Castiel flinched. "Throw it away!" Dean shouted when Castiel still didn't move.
"I- I'm very sorry, Dean. I apologize, I wasn't thinking." Cas stuttered and wobbled towards the nearest trash can.
"Dean stop being such an asshole." Sam defended Castiel, and Dean just glared back at him. They both knew that Sam had picked a side for this fight. Sam crossed his arms above his chest and pointed at Castiel with a jerk of his head. Dean understood his meaning and groaned with an eye roll. Sam wanted Dean to make things better somehow. Dean grabbed the milk carton and sniffed it.
"Oh my God..." Dean whispered. "I didn't know that milk could go bad this fast."
"It's an old fridge, Dean. We should probably get a new one soon." Sam's voice was gentle and relaxed, he wanted to calm Dean down by acting calmly himself instead of fighting back. It usually worked with Dean, who was like an emotional sponge.
"Sam, smell this." Dean made a face like he was going to throw up and placed the milk carton on the kitchen counter. Castiel looked at Dean and lowered his head in shame.
"Haha, no thank you, I'm fine." Sam raised his hands with the palms visible in a defensive gesture.
Dean faked a smile, "But it smells like roses, dude!" He grabbed the carton, walked past Cas, making sure to hit his shoulder on the way, and dropped the milk into the trash can.
"I'm sorry Dean." Cas mumbled with his head bowed. Dean ignored him.
"I was going to make some fucking pancakes for breakfast, but we have no milk. At least the eggs didn't go to hell." Dean smiled at Sam.
Sam nodded out of fear, Dean's blank stare was scaring him more than a freaking wendigo.
""It's not like I purposely left the refrigerator open, Dean." Cas mumbled before he stomped towards the doorway.
Dean huffed and shook his head.
"You said the same thing after you let the Leviathans out." His tone was no more than a whisper, but it carried enough acid to silence the room.
Castiel froze in the doorway, nodded slowly, and silently walked out of the room. Dean never looked back at him, he focused on cooking instead. Sam glared at Dean, grabbed himself an apple and went after Castiel.
"What?" Dean shouted at his back. "What, Sam?"
Sam and Castiel went out for a run the next day. They hiked through the woods with Cas showing Sam the warding he was working on. They eventually went back to the bunker to grab some books and other things from the lab to continue working on the spells. Castiel explained that the warding also helped keep the animals and trees healthy. It gathered its energy from the earth and the living beings within the small forest and gave it back in the form of protection. Sam had been fascinated.
They returned for lunch with Dean. It consisted of several sandwiches and Dean talking about a small case near the bunker. They were packing their stuff as fast as they could. The bunker didn't feel like home to any of them and they needed an escape; even if it meant putting their lives at risk for random people. The car ride was either dead silent or the music was too loud for them to talk.
Dean never talked to Cas unless it was necessary and Cas seemed to be fine with it. They both refused to apologize to each other. Cas claimed that he had nothing to apologize for anymore, and Sam agreed with him wholeheartedly. He hated being in between his brother and Cas, but there was nothing he could do now.
Sam hated the tension. Cas and Dean had acted like best friends before the whole djinn incident. Things hadn't been perfect back then, but at least Sam wasn't stuck between them. Dean spent more time with Cas than him. It had been endearing to see Dean teaching Cas to do some human stuff. After becoming human, Cas had been surprised to be alive. The surprise didn't last long after he realized he had no wings. Sam didn't know how Cas had managed not to cry.
Whenever they stopped for the night, Dean rented two rooms and slept alone, leaving Sam and Cas to share a room. On the second night, around 1am, Cas sat up hyperventilating and blindly turned on the lamp. Sam was woken up by the harsh light hitting his face. He moaned in pain and placed a pillow on top of his face to cover his eyes.
"Dean?" Cas breathed out. Sam heard him, but didn't catch the desperate and scared tone on the single word.
"Dude." Sam groaned and was about to complain when he saw Cas staring at his hands and trying to relax his breathing. "Cas?" Sam sat up, ignoring the sudden wave of nausea that hit him from moving too fast. "Dude, what's up? You okay, Cas?" Sam walked over to his bed, sat down next to Cas, and was afraid to do anything else.
"Sam?" Cas craned his neck and looked into Sam's eyes. He was obviously trying to see something within him and Sam was weirded out by the action. Castiel's blue eyes were wide and scared, the intensity emanating from them was so strong that Sam felt like Cas was looking inside his soul. He mentally wondered what Dean thought was going on when this happened to him.
"Yeah, Cas, it's me..." Sam cleared his throat. "What… what are you doing?"
"What color are they?" Cas asked out of the blue.
"What?" Sam blinked in confusion.
"Your eyes, Sam. They are not green like Dean's. They are not brown like your father's, nor are they bright like your mother's eyes." Cas relaxed and Sam raised an eyebrow. "They are really different to look at without my grace." Cas murmured looking at his hands again.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Sam asked; he felt out of his depths here. He had never helped Cas after a nightmare.
"No, quite the opposite." Cas chuckled with self-depreciation. "I was afraid I was poisoned again by the djinn."
"What did you dream about, Cas?"
"Nothing, Sam." Cas smiled. "Go to sleep."
Sam saw Cas curl up under the covers and close his eyes. He recognized a dismissal when he saw one.
The hunt went okay. Cas was mostly silent, and Dean was mostly aggressive. The cops worked faster than ever in fear of what Dean would do to them. They stayed together at one of those motels with two beds and a couch (Dean took the couch after losing at rock, papers, and scissors). Cas barely slept, but at least he didn't wake up with a nightmare again.
The road trip back to the bunker was as tense as ever.
Sam heard Cas crying inside his room one day. Cas, who hadn't even cried after having his family abandon him, was crying in his room now. Sam panicked and stepped into Cas' bedroom only to be kicked out by Cas and have the door slammed in his face. He threatened to pick the lock, but Cas saw through the bluff and ignored Sam. He kept knocking on the door to annoy the hell out of Cas until he came out of his bedroom wearing his running gear and and a hoodie.
"I'm going out for a run." Cas pushed past Sam without looking up.
"Cas!"
"Goodbye Sam. I'll return shortly." Cas didn't even turn around, but at least he waved at Sam on his way out.
"Cas, stop!" But he didn't. Sam groaned and decided against following Cas outside. He had already run 4 miles in the morning and it felt like enough for the whole week. He chose to hit the source of the problem instead.
"What the fuck did you do, Dean?" Sam shouted when he saw Dean sitting alone in the library.
"Stop screaming at me! I'm right-freaking-here!" Dean shouted back, even louder than Sam had yelled because he was childish, and this was his baby brother.
"I will scream if I feel like it!" Sam shouted back dramatically and even louder than Dean.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Dean shouted back. He pursed his lips in annoyance and rested a hand on his hip.
"What did you do to Cas?" Sam asked, instead of yelling this time, with a low, dangerous, angry tone.
"What?" Dean frowned. "I didn't do anything!" Dean stood up and slammed the book he had been reading.
"Exactly!" Sam walked until he was towering over Dean. "You are ignoring him!"
"So what? He doesn't need me! He is big boy!" Dean pushed the chair he had been using earlier back to its place.
"He needs you Dean." Sam placed a gentle hand on Dean's shoulder. He sighed when Dean glared at the offending hand.
"No, Sam, he doesn't need me. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Dean pushed Sam's hand away and grabbed his book again.
"He does, Dean. When you were staying in your own room during our last hunt, Cas woke up from a dream thinking that he was back at the djinn's." This seemed to catch Dean's attention, so he continued. "The first thing he did was ask for you."
"He was probably just making sure I wasn't there! He doesn't need me to be a reminder of how fucked up this is." Dean was being logical. He had once been told to stop following his heart and to follow his brain instead. If this helped to keep Cas safe, then so be it.
"Dean will you shut the fuck up and listen for a second!" Sam grabbed Dean by the shoulders and shook him violently. "Cas needs you. He still has nightmares. He sometimes dreams that he is back with the djinn, and then wakes up scared shitless asking for you."
"Yes, you've said that twice now. It's only reaffirming what I said; he is better off without me." Dean snapped and struggled out Sam's hold. He started cleaning up the mess at the table.
"Why?" Sam asked in a soft and defeated voice
"Sam, he doesn't need to be reminded of the dream every time he sees my face. It's fucking with his brain. I can't be there for him if it's just going to hurt him more." Dean gritted his teeth and gripped his pen. "The most logical thing to do is… is to keep him away from me. I'm the one who is hurting him by just existing." Dean gulped, trying to swallow his own bull shit.
"Dean… he uhh..." Sam fidgeted and sighed. "When... " he let out a breath and started again. "When Cas woke up… he turned on the light and stared at his hands like he was surprised to have them. Dude, it honestly scared the crap out of me and I went to sit down next to him." Sam looked at the floor with a frown, knowing that he had Dean's focus entirely on him. "He asked what color my eyes were. I don't know why. He told me that they didn't look as bright as Mom's or dark like Dad's. He compared my eyes to you and then stared at me until he relaxed. I-" Sam stuttered.
"He was grounding himself." Dean muttered before Sam could continue.
"What?" Sam frowned in confusion.
"It's a mental exercise." Dean shrugged. "He told me that things look different in a dream. More colorful or something like that." Dean waved his hand dismissively. "He stares at something, anything really, and studies the colors until he is sure that he is not back in la la land." Dean bowed his head and gulped. He could feel the emotions trying to choke him with guilt and sadness.
"It helps him with the anxiety." Sam figured out.
"Yeah, I googled the thing after he told me." Dean pursed his lips into a smile. "Psychologists use it to help patients with depression and anxiety." His tone softened.
"Dean..." Sam was searching for something to say, but the mood had quickly turned somber and filled with angst. He now understood that Dean was suffering too, perhaps just as badly as Cas was.
"Sam… I don't even know how to put myself together. How can I help him if I can't even save myself?" Dean scratched at his forearm, a nervous habit he had picked up. His voice sounded rough, and he hated how it sounded like he was on the edge of tears. "He is human now, the war with heaven and hell is over. He doesn't need me, Sam." Dean shrugged and sat down on a chair. "The only thing I'm was ever good for was to help him out when we had to fight." Dean's voice broke at the end. Resting his elbows on the table, Dean covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath.
"We still have one more fight, Dean." Sam whispered, aimed more to himself than to Dean.
"Look, I know what I'm doing, Sam. He will realize that we are no good for him, and then he'll leave the bunker. He will have a chance at a normal life. Who knows? Maybe he will find a girl out there and get married and have kids with ten percent angel genes. How cool is that?" Dean attempted to smile and look convincing.
"Dean, do you even believe that?" Sam asked carefully with a frown.
"Yeah, ten percent angel rugrats could be fun." Dean mused with a stupid smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes.
"Dean..." Sam gave him the look that meant that he knew Dean was avoiding something. Dean frowned and sighed.
"It doesn't matter what I believe, Sam, okay?" Because he didn't believe it. "What matters is that Cas could have a normal life out there, without us holding him back, and without the hunting."
"That's it, isn't it?" Sam chuckled and shook his head.
"What's what?" Dean asked not understanding at all.
"You just realized that Cas has feelings for you, and now you are trying to push him away." Sam huffed. "That's a typical Dean Winchester thing to do, isn't it?" Sam walked towards Dean menacingly. "After all, you did erase Lisa and Ben's memories of you, instead of dealing with it like a normal - umf!" Sam took a couple of steps back when he felt Dean's fist collide with his nose.
"I told you I was gonna break your nose if you ever mentioned them again!" Dean saw Sam's nose bleeding and slowly getting blood all over his lips and chin.
Dean felt his stomach drop at the sight of his baby brother hurt because of him. The blood on Sam's mouth reminded Dean of the darker times when he drank demon blood. He hadn't even hurt Sam when he had the mark of Cain or when he had turned into a demon. He was a monster, and the sudden realization hit him like a truck.
"Oh God." He tried to touch Sam's face, but Sam rejected the gesture.
"You and I both know that God's not listening to us." Sam stood up and wiped the blood from his chin. "Do you see what you just did? You are not only pushing Cas away. You are tearing yourself apart to be able to do so." Sam paused. "Dean, you need him just as much as Cas needs you. I will never understand how that happened, but it's the damned truth and I'm not gonna stand here and watch you fuck up the last good thing you have left." With that Sam turned back and walked away to his own bedroom.
"Sam!" He shouted. "Sammy… I'm sorry dude..." Dean looked at his fist, it was filthy with Sam's blood. He felt his knees give away and he let himself fall to his knees. He stared at the floor and ignored the sting from the tears that threatened to come out.
Dean was turning into his Dad. He was trying to deal with his problems by ignoring them and hurting his family while doing so. Dean had even hit Sam. He had his baby brother's blood on his hands.
Dean growled and grabbed the keys to the Impala. He needed to buy more alcohol.
I was originally planning on making this a 15 chapter story, but I'm making it longer for you guys ;) ILY