Chapter Fourteen

I walked into the hospital room where Dr. Levin was waiting for me. He shook his head in disapproval as I walked in. I was a half hour late, I should have called and canceled, but I knew deep down that I needed help. My problems weren't getting any easier, they were getting worse. I hated therapy and had a hard time trusting other therapists. I wanted to leave and never come back but I couldn't hypnotize myself so I had no other choice but to deal with Dr. Levin's smug attitude and disappointment about my tardiness.

"How was your week?" He asked as he peered down at me.

"Fine."

"The bruise on your face says otherwise. You want to tell me about it?"

"It was an accident; I got caught in the middle of a fight between Todd and my son."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I'd rather not talk about it. It doesn't really matter how I feel about it, my feelings won't change anything. Just hypnotize me, that's why I'm here isn't it to uncover my missing memories."

"There's no need to be defensive Marty, I was just making small talk, but we can proceed with the hypnotization if that makes you more comfortable."

"It does. Thank you," I said as I lied down on the couch.

I followed his finger back and forth, back and forth, getting lost in the hypnotic trance. The next thing I knew I was no longer in the office but in the well from my dreams.

"Marty, what do you see?" I could hear Dr. Levin ask.

"I'm in the well. I see water all around me, there's no way out. I'm trapped."

"Marty I want you to leave the well and go back further into your memory. Where did you start that day? Are you at home?"

The cold damp walls disappeared and I was standing in a little girls' bedroom. "I'm laying in bed," I answered Dr. Levin's question as I gazed at the little girl.

"How do you feel?"

"Bored. I was sick but I feel better. He still won't let me go to school. He thinks that the other kids are going to infect me."

"Who won't let you go to school?"

"Michael. He thinks I'm all he has and he's afraid of losing me," I answered as my memories and feelings of that day came flooding back to me.

"Is Michael in the room with you?"

"No, he left for work. Linda, the nanny is here to keep an eye on me, but I have other plans that don't include her."

"What did you do, Marty?"

"I locked her in my closet?"

"Why?"

"I wanted to explore the attic. Michael keeps the door locked, but I know where he keeps the key so I'm going to unlock it?"

"Marty, did you unlock the attic door?"

"Yeah."

"What did you find up there?"

"I found pictures of my mother and Michael and a letter that my mother had written him."

"What did the letter say?"

"I don't remember. I can't see it now. Everything is disappearing," I lied. I could see the letter clearly. My mother hated Michael. He had raped her and it appeared that I was the product of that horrible disgusting night. I felt sick and the last thing that I wanted to do was spend another twenty minutes discussing my feelings.

"Try and stay in the room, Marty." Dr Levin ordered as he tried to gain back control of the situation.

"I can't," I said fighting to maintain my power over the situation. I knew that if Dr. Levin kept pushing while I was under this state, I could slip and tell him everything that I remembered. I needed his help to access my memories, but I was the only person that I trusted with my sanity. I couldn't tell him the truth, I wouldn't. I didn't want anyone to know that I was a product of rape, not even my therapist.

"What do you see?"

"Darkness," I said as I began to breathe heavily. I faked a panic attack so that Dr. Levin would bring me out of the subconscious state that I was in.

"I'm going to count backwards from ten to one. When I get to one you will feel completely relaxed, but you will remember everything."

I opened my eyes and knew instantly that something was wrong. Michael was in the room with Dr. Levin and me. I was hallucinating, I had opened Pandora's Box and I brought the monster back with me. I told Dr. Levin exactly what I knew he wanted to hear so that I could leave before he realized that I was hallucinating. Michael followed me home, he didn't say anything, but I knew he was there and his presence made my skin crawl.

My phone rang, it was Todd. He probably wanted to meet up with me for dinner, but I couldn't go, not in the state that I was in. I was a good liar, but I couldn't lie to Todd, he was the one person who always saw through my crap. He knew me and he would know that something was wrong. I turned off my phone and turned to face Michael who was smugly sitting on my couch.

"You're not real," I said in a feeble attempt to make him disappear.

"That's true, but I'm real to you otherwise why would you be speaking to me?"

"Leave me alone."

"I can't do that."

"Why not."

"Because it's time that you faced the truth, you can't hide from me, not anymore."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to face your demons," he said as he stood up and walked over to me. He pulled me over to the window, "What do you see?"

At first all I could see was the red roses in my backyard, but then they faded and all I could see was me as a little girl. I was back in the attic grasping the letter that my mother had written. I could see me leaving the attic and heading back down the stairs where I let Linda out of the closet. I sat down on my bed and waited for Michael to come home so that I could confront him.

It played like a bad movie I wanted to turn off, but I couldn't, I felt frozen in place and couldn't take my eyes away from the window. The next thing I saw was Michael entering the bedroom and Linda leaving.

"Is it true?" I asked as he came and sat down by me.

"Is what true?

"Are you my father?" I asked as I handed him my mother's letter.

"Where did you get that?"

"I went up to the attic and I found it."

"You knew that I didn't want you to play up there. You disobeyed me," Michael said defensively as he got off my bed and began to pace around the room.

"I know. I was curious and wanted to see what you kept in that room. I was wrong, but so were you. You lied to me. You told me that you and my mother were friends, but she didn't like you."

"The relationship I had with your mother is complicated and it's hard to explain."

"What's rape? She said that you raped her, what is that?" I asked wanting to know why she didn't like him. I didn't know what rape was, I was so young back then, but I certainly knew what it was now and I knew exactly how much my father had hurt my mother.

He turned around to face me, his eyes filled with rage, "it's complicated; you're too young to understand. You ruined everything, I told you not to go up there," he said as he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.

"Michael, you're hurting me," I said as I began to cry.

"I'll give you something to cry about," Michael said as he let go of my shoulders and slapped me across the face. I cowered to the ground, as the rage in Michael's eyes turned into regret, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you, I can't be here anymore." I saw Michael leaving my bedroom and then the scenery faded and I was left looking at the flowers in my backyard.

"You got what you wanted. I remembered now leave me alone," I said as I turned back around to face Michael.

"There's much more to remember and you know that. Otherwise, I still wouldn't be here."

"If you won't leave then I will," I said as I grabbed my purse and slammed the door behind me.