Title: No Surprise
Author: rekkidbraka
Rating: T
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.
Category: Romance; Humor
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.
Spoilers: None
Summary: Tony misses his own birthday party. Ziva's not pleased.

-------------------- No Surprise ---------------------

"Probie ... I wanna ... *hic* ... wanna tell you somethin'..." Tony fixed McGee with a drunken stare.

"Oh, God." McGee squirmed on his barstool, nursing his ginger ale. "Tony, please. Don't."

"C'mere, Lil' Mc... *hic* ... McBuddy..." Tony leaned over towards McGee, putting his arm around Tim's shoulders and pulling him close. Tim shivered. Tony brought his lips right up to McGee's ear. "You're... HELLUVA ... *hic* ... McGUY! Best. Birthday. Bar. Bash. ... *hic* ... EVER!"

Gagging from the smell of liquor on Tony's breath in his face, Tim retched before saying "Thank you, Tony. But we're the only two people here."

"Which means MORE ... *hic* ... MORE ALCOHOL FOR US, McRager!" Tony yelled, spinning around suddenly on his barstool. "BARKEEP! 'NOTHER ROUND! On my ... *hic* ... BEST FRIEND Mc... *hic* ... McGLEE here!" When the bartender came to clear the jenga-like stack of shot glasses Tony had carefully built on the bar, Tony again grabbed Tim and loudly bragged "Kid's a ... *hic* ... a compuper... *hic* ... *hic*... COMPUKER GEEEEEEEEN-YUUUUUSHHHH!" Putting an unsteady index finger to his lips, Tony continued loudly "SHHHHH!!!! McGLEEEEE!!! QUIT YELLIN'!!!"

"Um... Tony? I think you're in enough of a celebratory mood," McGee, locked in Tony's embrace, said calmly. "We should go."

"Oh, PROBEEEE... *hic* ... Probeeee, Probeeee, PROWWWW-BEEEEEEE..." Tony half-fell off his barstool. Tim hurried to brace him and Tony responded with a frighteningly strong bearhug. "What'd I ... *hic* ... do without 'cha? ... *hic* ... You ... *hic* ... *hic* ... *hic* ... you take CA-CAAAAAARE of meeee ... *hic* ... Mu-GHHHEEEEEEE! ... *sob* ... I ... I LOOOOOVE YOOOOOU, MAAAAANNNN! ... *sob* ... *whimper* ..."

McGee made a disgusted face that Tony couldn't see.

"I, uh... love you... too. Man."

Is this Hell on Earth, God? Tim thought, turning his eyes Heavenward, as Tony hugged him even tighter, using McGee's brand new dress shirt to blow his nose. Because really? REALLY?!!!

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"Isn't this just like your old sniper-y, laying in wait for the bad guys days, Gibbs?" Abby asked brightly.

"No."

"Abigail, the POINT of a surprise party is for the celebrant to be SURPRISED," Ducky said. "Now, if we are bandying about queries as to Jethro's former Marine days, how can Anthony POSSIBLY not hear us yammering and FAIL to be..."

"Ah, Duck?" Gibbs said in a whisper. "Think ya just answered your own question."

"Well, I suppose I DID, Jethro! Carry on, then." Ducky laughed, quieting down. Gibbs winked at Abby, who was giving Ducky a quizzical look. Abby shrugged, smiled at Gibbs, sipped her giant Caf-Pow, and went back to watching the door.

Jimmy fumbled for the tiny button on his wristwatch that lit the display.

"It's almost nine now," he whispered, pushing up his glasses. "I thought Agent McGee was supposed to have Tony here by..."

"Eight," Ziva said flatly, disappointment and, now, a touch of anger sounding in her voice. "They are running behind schedule. As usual."

Baby Sarah napped on the couch, unaware of the plans going on around her, with Ducky's two dogs snuggled next to her, snoring away. Tony The Tiger lay in his usual place at Sarah's side, looking particularly handsome in a special red bow tie Ducky brought him for just this occasion as well as his conical party hat reading "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

-------------------------------------------

As soon as Tim hit the speed-dial button on his cellphone, he knew he'd had it.

What would it be? Glock to the back of the head while he slept one night? A knife slicing his throat silently, ending it all? Maybe just one karate kick to the solar plexus, stopping his heart immediately. The kick wouldn't be so bad, he thought. It would be fast, anyway. Probably painless, relatively speaking and...

"Ziva! Hey!" Tim did his best to sound cheerful.

"McGEE!" Ziva barked. "WHERE are YOU and WHERE is..."

"ZEEEEEEEEE-VAAAAAAAAAH! HAAAAAAAY!" Tony drunkenly mocked Tim, having grabbed the phone from him. "Been ... *hic* ... sh-shellabratin', baby... My... bur... *hic* ... bur-burpfthday..." Tony began loudly singing a horrid rendition of the "Happy Birthday" song as Tim wrested the phone away from him.

"Heh... Sorry about that. He, um, he's not... feeling well," Tim stuttered into the phone as Tony's singing grew louder (and worse) in the background.

"He is DRUNK!" Ziva angrily corrected. "YOU were supposed to take him for ONE drink, McGee! ONE!" At the word 'drunk,' the rest of the group emerged from their hiding places. Jimmy, however, appeared to be looking for somewhere new to hide -- from Ziva. Abby and Ducky exchanged concerned glances. Gibbs snickered into his red plastic cup of punch.

"It's complicated," Tim said, suddenly met with a dial tone. Flipping the phone closed, he sighed. "Looks like you're staying with me tonight, Tony. Ziva's furious that you're plastered and... Tony? Tony?"

An inhumanly loud snore answered McGee from the passenger's seat. Tim shook his head and drove to his loft, mentally figuring the logistics of exactly how he'd get the birthday boy out of the car, up a couple flights of stairs and into the apartment.

Next year for your birthday, I'm giving you a vacation, Tony, Tim thought as he neared his place. I'M getting OUT OF TOWN for the WHOLE week.

-------------------------------------------

Exhausted after managing to haul a half-sleeping, wholly unsteady Tony up to his loft, where he installed his drunken friend on the couch, McGee retired to his bedroom and literally passed out onto the mattress, not bothering to take off his work clothes.

Tim was asleep in minutes, but Tony, who'd slept in the car, now found himself awake, absolutely disoriented, completely unsure of where he was and feeling incredibly sick from the night of overindulging. He began to sweat profusely, suddenly feeling a need to strip naked in order to try cooling off. Tearing his clothes off quickly, Tony flung them around the strange room, unable to see anything in the darkness. Bathroom... FAST, he thought, stumbling around wherever it was he'd ended up.

Now running through the pitch blackness, Tony pushed through the first door he came to... and was unable to contain himself, literally, as the evening's many shots of liquor returned to greet him rudely. He fell onto something that was oddly soft and yet firmly immobile. As he continued heaving up the night's memories, the thought that this wasn't a bathroom only briefly passed through Tony's head. Dripping sweat and as sick as he could ever remember, all he could focus on was not blacking out.

The soft lump moved.

"Wha... AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHH! GOD! GAHHHH! TONY! WHAT THE HELL?!!! OH... GOD!!!" Tim, waking to find himself covered with upchuck as a heaving, perspiring, naked Tony hung over him on all fours -- about to lose it again any second, was in a state of shock and utter disgust.

"Puh... Probie..." Tony panted, nearly breathless from all the rounds of sickness, "... help me. Please..." Pale, shaking and clammy from being so violently ill, Tony began to sob uncontrollably. Furious as he was, McGee couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

"Okay... okay..." Tim said reassuringly, gingerly extricating himself from the filthy bed. Getting out of his reeking, slimy clothes and into a t-shirt and clean boxers as quickly as he could, he returned to where Tony, on his hands and knees, remained retching and dry heaving atop the bed. Gagging at the sight and smell before him, Tim mustered the guts to try getting Tony to the bathroom.

"Tony," he said quietly but firmly, "we've got to get you to the bathroom. You're going to have to help me, OK? Just... take your time. I'll get you there. It's just over here. Come on, now."

Slowly and miserably, Tony groggily half-crawled off the bed to sit on the edge, gathering himself. Tim helped him up, using extreme care.

"McGee..." Tony sobbed, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Too sick to continue, Tony's sobs spoke for him.

"It's okay, Tony," Tim said softly. "What's a Little Buddy for?" He tried smiling at Tony but his friend was too weak to notice. McGee felt horrible for him and wanted to tell Tony that this stuff happened and don't worry -- no one would ever know about this -- but Tim knew that he and Tony would remember and Tony would always feel ashamed at being drunk, sick and, mainly, naked in front of him. Tim didn't care about any of that. But Tony, who prided himself on always being 'one-up' on Tim, would.

Together, one nightmarish step at a time, the pair made their way to the bathroom. Tim ran a cool, but not cold, shower as Tony hugged the toilet. Finally, when there was nothing left for Tony to bring back up, he crawled into the shower and sat there, his head throbbing as the room spun around him, while the cool water streamed over him, cleaning the filth off his chest and chin. Idiot, Tony thought, opening his eyes momentarily to look at himself, naked and bloated from drinking, Stupid idiot. McGee hates me.

Back in the bedroom, Tim sighed, quietly pulled up the sheets and quilt from his bed, shuddering at how awful it all was, and made a determined beeline for his laundry area.

-------------------------------------------

When Ziva came to pick Tony up at Tim's, she had her speech ready: First, she would tell Tony how he'd ruined the surprise party she'd carefully planned out for so many weeks. Next, he'd hear about how their friends had wasted an evening waiting on him to arrive; getting them all together for the party had NOT been easy. Then would come the big finish -- the part about how his getting drunk had been embarrassing -- for everyone, not just her (or him) -- and had concerned everyone. They were worried about him; nobody was all that angry that he'd missed the party (except, really, for Ziva) but they wanted to make sure Tony was OK.

The evening ended early with Abby, always looking for a chance to babysit, heading home with Baby Sarah and Tony The Tiger, looking sharp in his party gear, in tow. Ducky's dogs had been reluctant to say goodbye to their new little friend, whimpering as Dr. Mallard, with Jimmy's fumbling help, fussily ushered them off to his car. Capping it off, Gibbs simply toasted Ziva with his red cup, saying only "Helluva party" with a knowing smirk on his face. All of it made her that much more angry with Tony.

Banging on Tim's door, Ziva scowled at the thought of seeing Tony's "morning after" face -- haggard, pale, unshaven. She'd seen him this way before and it wasn't a look she found attractive.

Tim answered, immediately putting his index finger to his lips, making a "SHHHHH!" sound... that Ziva chose to ignore.

"WHERE is HE?!!!" she demanded, yelling as loudly as possible on purpose. She wanted Tony to hear how furious she was.

"Ziva," McGee half-whispered, "please... Don't, OK? Just... let Tony sleep. You don't understand..."

"Oh, I completely UNDERSTAND, McGEE!" Ziva countered, turning her wrath on Tim as she pushed her way towards his bedroom. "YOU allowed TONY to become RIDICULOUSLY DRUNK! He DESERVES to SUFFER and I personally HOPE that he..."

Seeing Tony sprawled on Tim's bed, Ziva stopped short.

He looked dead.

Lying flat on his stomach, completely still, Tony's skin was a sickly grey color. The area under his eyes appeared hollow and dark. He actually appeared thinner to Ziva, as if he'd lost about five pounds since she'd last seen him the previous afternoon. It seemed as if he were barely breathing.

Slowly making her way to the bed, she sat on the edge, her lip quivering as she studied her sleeping fiancé. She stroked Tony's hair tenderly; he didn't move. Moving her hand down to his cheek, she noticed how sweaty and clammy his skin was. Now, so close to him, she could hear him rasping sickeningly with each breath. Ziva's heart broke, seeing Tony this way, and she carefully snuggled up next to him, putting an arm around him protectively. This time, he stirred slightly, groaned and unconsciously took her hand.

Closing the door silently behind him to give them privacy, Tim went back to the living room, sat on the couch and rubbed his temples.

On the table, he noticed a card addressed to him reading "McGeek," written in thick black ink. He opened it. Inside was a cheesy "humor" card -- the kind Tim always thought were tacky when he saw them at the store. Looking inside, he read the inscribed message:

"Probie --

I LOVE YOU, MAN... NOT!!!

Ha ha ha - Tony"

Tim frowned. Same old Tony, he thought. Jerk... Turning over the card to replace it on the table, he noticed that Tony had written something on the back.

"P.S. -- Just kidding, McGee. You rock. Thanks for being my best friend."

"Happy birthday, Tony," Tim said softly, smiling.

Lying back on the couch, he closed his eyes and finally, luxuriously, drifted off into a sound sleep.