I pour myself a drink and sit down on the couch. Damn it! In my rush to get Evan out of my room I forgot about his laptop bag. I wonder if he will have the nerve to come back for it? I swallow my drink in three big gulps and the whiskey burns my throat as it goes down. Shower, I think, I need a long hot shower before I do anything rash.

The shower in my room at the Plaza reminds me of the shower at the loft. I turn on the water and peel my clothes off. The water feels good so I close my eyes and let it run down my back and shoulders. I try processing the events of the last few days. It was unfathomable that I had gone from such a high to such a low in the matter of a week. But I guess this is how things were with Brian. He could make me feel so incredible, so sexy, so desired and the high was better than any drug I had experienced; but just when I was soaring he could do or say something so cruel or selfish and I would come crashing back to earth. The infuriating part was he only ever let you expect the worst from him; no apologies, no regrets or excuses. He was fiercely devoted to himself and no one else except maybe Gus. So the highs from over-the-top gestures were a gift but never a promise and you could never feel justified to demand more than he was willing to give because he was never anyone other than who he claimed to be.

I started to cry in the shower because I know that is how it is with him. I figure I either accept it or I leave because there was no changing him. Even if he wanted to change for me, it was clear that he couldn't. Brian seeing Aiden upset me but in a way I had more than expected it. But Evan, that was different. That was a betrayal I didn't think I could forgive.

When I climb out of the shower my cell phone is buzzing. I punch my unlock code into the phone and see the waiting message.

Brian: Hey how was your first day in New York?

I decide I need the night to sleep on it before I talk to Brian so I turn my phone off. I have to be at Marvel by eight am to meet with Evan and his boss, Jeff, so I set my alarm for six and decide to call Brian in the morning.

My night was very restless. I have horrible nightmares. When the alarm goes off, I am already awake sitting in bed, smoking a cigarette. I turn my phone back on and it buzzes repeatedly as missed call notifications and text messages are delivered.

Brian: Hey, you up? Call me

Brian: Getting worried just let me know you're all right will you

Brian: Damn it, answer your phone

In addition to the phone call there are five missed calls all from Brian.

I hit 2 on my speed dial to call the loft. It rings twice and then a voice I don't recognize answers the phone.

Hello

Um, Brian?

Oh, Just a sec. He's in the shower still.

I just hang up. What the fuck? Why do I continue to do this to myself? So much for no tricks in our bed. I lie back in the bed and light another cigarette. I pick up my phone and stare at Brian's texts and type a response.

Me: I'm Fine. Call me when your guest leaves our bed.

I hit the send button and get up from the bed. I walk over to the table where Evan's laptop is sitting. I hit a button on the keyboard and to my surprise it opens to the desktop without entering a password. I just plan to shut it down so I can put it in the bag but an icon catches my eye. It just says Brian.

Before I can decide if I should click on it the phone rings and it's Brian. I stare at it before picking it up just before it goes to voice mail.

Hello

Hey, you okay? I was worried.

Yeah, I'm fine

So how was your day yesterday?

Fine, I had dinner with Evan

Really? How was that?

Informative

Well that's cryptic. Listen I'm glad you're okay.I wish you would leave your phone on when you travel. I was worried.

I have to go Brian

Um, Ok. Can you call me tonight?

Sure, will you be alone?

Justin, don't be a princess. It's not what you're thinking he didn't stay here last night

Who?

Aiden

Brian, I have to go

All right, Later, Um...I miss you

Later

I hang up and turn my attention back to the laptop. Curiosity wins out again and I click on the icon labeled Brian and to my surprise a folder opens with over 50 documents. All appear to be video files and they have date and time stamps in the file names. I click on the first one. It's dated a few days ago.

The video begins to play and I recognize the loft immediately. Brian comes into frame and he's talking but there's no volume. I fiddle with the laptop to find the volume button.

"Mmm So Impatient. Have I taught you nothing this weekend?" I hear Brian say.

I recognize my own voice but am off screen "No Sir"

I feel nauseous. This isn't happening. I forward the video a few minutes. Images flash by me, each more horrifically exposing than the next.

Brian holding the whip and dildos.

Me on the floor…being spanked

Me on my knees….sucking Brian

Me on the table….getting fucked

How is this possible? Oh my God, the file, the file that wouldn't open….the webcam. That sick son-of-a-bitch!

I open other files clicking them randomly. Brian and I in so many personal moments. I confirm the angles are from the webcam both from the laptop and the desktop.

Some of the files are from yesterday and today. I click on the one from this morning and begin to sob as it opens and I am thoroughly unprepared for what I observe. I watch Brian open the door for Aiden at 6:12am. He tells him he shouldn't have come by, that he could have met him at the office. He goes to take a shower. I hear Aiden answer my call. I hear Brian yell at him for answering the phone. I see Aiden go to kiss Brian and Brian reject him. I hear Aiden bait him, 'Give it up Brian, this hard to get act is getting fucking old. I know you don't expect me to believe you gave up fucking for some blond twinkie"

"I don't owe you a damn explanation. I already told you in your hotel that I... I'm in a ...relationship now. He's not just some twinkie " Brian responds angrily.

"Just give me one plausible reason why you've changed and I'll let you keep the account"

I hear Brian say it. I rewind it again and again to make sure I hear it correctly.

"Because I'm fucking in love with him and this is what he needs from me, so fuck off."

I close the laptop and throw my stuff in the suitcase and get dressed as quickly as I can. I wait impatiently for the elevator and roll my suitcase out the lobby door.

The doorman looks at me, "Do you need a taxi sir?"

"Yes, thank you." I say impatiently. I throw my suitcase in the back of the taxi and climb in.

"Where to sir?" the driver ask me.

"JFK airport, please, I'm in a hurry"

A/N: Sorry this chapter is a little short.