Chapter 14:

She's asking for you. Rachel's voice echoed through Shelby's mind as she took the subway station stairs two at a time. By the time she made it all the way to the hospital she was breathless and feeling on edge. She'd only seen Cassandra in the hospital a handful of times, and none of them were because of alcohol. None of them were self-inflicted at all, Shelby realized, once she'd thought it over.

"Can I help you with anything, miss?" a tired voice snapped her out of her reverie and she realized she must have been standing in front of the revolving door in the hospital lobby for a second too long.

Shelby sucked in a breath, her face flushed. "Yes, please. Could you…" she collected her thoughts and stood a little straighter, trying to seem less rattled. "Could you direct me to room…." She fished through her messages for the number Rachel had texted to her. "314?"

The owner of the voice, a man wearing a suit two sizes too big, walked her to the main desk and started typing behind his computer. "Are you family?" he asked, looking up into Shelby's eyes.

"Yes," she lied without thinking. "She's my sister," she cringed inwardly, "She's been asking for me." At least half of it was the truth.

"Do you have proof that you are blood related?" he looked her up and down, trying to detect any sort of hesitation from her. Little did he know that she was a professional actress. She smirked.

"I'm sure she'll validate." She was feeling a lot less confident than she looked and hoped to god that Cassandra wanted to see her badly enough that she was willing to lie to hospital staff. Her trust in their new "relationship" or whatever it was they were calling it these days was starting to wane the closer in proximity she got to the woman.

"I'll have someone lead you up there in a moment," the front desk worker sounded perturbed. Like this isn't his job, or something… Shelby sighed loudly. Of all the ridiculous protocols…

She followed a nurse, who'd clearly worked far too many hours, to an elevator that would take them to the third floor. They walked silently down a long, narrow hallway crowded with rooms full of people. Prepare yourself, Shelby. Don't get caught up in a moment. She took a minute to try to ground herself, but all she could think about was the sterile smell that filled her nose and made her sick to her stomach. Her breath caught in her throat once they finally reached Cassandra's room.

All signs of life were drained out of the woman whose energy always outshone everyone else's. There were dark rings under her eyes from exhaustion and her small frame was lost under the cover of an oversized nightgown and a large paisley blanket provided by the hospital. Cold silence greeted Shelby when she entered the room, all eyes landing on her as she froze in the doorway. The soft beep from Cassandra's IV drip started pounding in Shelby's head, like a migraine that would never go away.

I did this to her.

Shelby felt her leg buckle and she held the door frame with her hand to steady herself, her knuckles whitening. Her eyes locked with Cassandra's, Oh, sweetheart. I am so sorry…you're in here because of me…

The nurse interrupted their telecommunication with an irritated huff of breath.

"This woman claims she's your sister? You know we have a strict family-only policy here…" she glanced curiously over at Holly. "You have two sisters?"

"Is that uncommon?" Cassandra snapped, the usual edge to her voice shrouded by a rough feeling in her throat.

"It is when one of them is a brunette," the nurse muttered under her breath.

Cassandra rolled her eyes, clearly not in the mood for games. "She's my sister," she lied. "Let her in."

Shelby's cheekbones were much sharper than Cassandra's. Her eyes were a dark hazel as opposed to Cassandra's emerald green, and her hair was naturally chocolate brown. Rachel smirked at the idea of the two of them being sisters. Cassandra shuddered.

"Very well." The nurse backed away from the doorway. "But this is the limit of people who can come into this room. It's getting a little crowded." She shut the door tightly behind her.

"I'll give her a little crowded…" Cass mumbled. "I'm sorry about all of that. The service here is shitty. I had to convince them that I adopted Santana. But these people did save my life, so I guess they aren't that terrible…"

Shelby heard Cassandra but didn't respond. Instead, she inched towards the edge of the bed, wanting nothing more than to hold Cassandra close to her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Regret tugged at the words forming on her lips.

"T-this…isn't your first time?" she asked, even though she already knew the answer.

Cassandra shook her head. "Not my first merry-go-round, Shelbs. But I'll be okay. The worst part is over…Besides maybe AA," she smiled softly, attempting to make light of the situation. She was the only one laughing.

"I'm so sorry." Shelby whispered. It was such a quiet and wholesome apology that Rachel and Santana both looked up from across the room.

Cassandra didn't think she would ever get used to seeing Shelby Corcoran cry. It was something that never happened while they were together. The years had not been kind to her. Cassandra didn't know this Shelby, just as Shelby didn't know this Cassandra.

"Shelby, don't be sorry," Cassandra whispered. Holly shot Cass an incredulous look, which the woman saw out of the corner of her eye and ignored. "I did this to myself."

"But I—"

"I know what you did," Cassandra cut her off, though not unkindly. For years Shelby heard those words in her head, spoken with much more malice. She'd prepared herself to hear them now, but Cassandra didn't seem to be as mad as she was before.

"Then why aren't you upset?" Rachel said, storming over to the hospital bed from the corner of the room. "You forgave her very quickly. Do I believe what she's going through? Of course, I do. Does that mean I don't still blame her for a lot of what's wrong with our backward-ass family?

"Rachel, your mother used to be your entire world," Cassandra said, feeling exasperated. She pushed herself up into a more comfortable position. "You worshipped the ground she walked on. She'd put on her makeup in her vanity in the master bedroom and you'd pull your little stool up next to her and do the same, even if it was skewed. She'd sing in the shower and you'd lay your ear against the door to listen. You begged her to come home as early as she could every night, and on Mondays you spent the whole day in her arms because those were her only days off. We'd wake up and make pancakes and stay in our PJ's on those days. I know this is hard for you, but you're blinded by anger. You're still her little star."

Tears sprung to Cassandra's eyes. "We had family movie nights and I took you to her show when she was in Wicked and West Side Story. She bought you an Elphaba dress and green face paint because you said you wanted to be just like her. Things got a little more difficult near the end because she was in Chicago and you were too young to see that show, but don't you remember any of the rest of it, damn it? Don't you miss it?"

She wiped the corners of her eyes and shivered, pulling the hospital blanket up over her shoulders.

Rachel took a minute to breathe, stepping backwards away from her mother. She did remember some of what life was like when Shelby had been around, but she'd repressed so much of it out of anger. To her, those were all a bunch of distant fairytales. After Shelby left, nothing like that had ever happened. When memories like that did resurface, Rachel couldn't tell if they were dreams or if they had truly happened to her.

"I do miss it," she admitted. "I miss you, Shelby." There was a strong silent pause. "Mom. Can I…still call you that?"

Tears flowed freely down Shelby's face and she put her hand over her mouth. "Of course, Rachel." She choked on her words.

Rachel walked to her birth mother, hesitant because she had just called Cassandra out for rushing into a new relationship with this woman. She knew she was likely being very naïve, but for a few minutes she couldn't bring herself to care. She wrapped her arms around Shelby tightly, feeling like a hypocrite. "I am so mad at you," Rachel whispered into her mother's ear. "But I can't keep doing this. I want that family back, and it might not happen for a very long time, but I can't keep being so angry, and mom can't keep doing this to herself. Something has got to give."

Shelby held her daughter tightly. She hadn't gotten the chance to do this in eleven years. The moment was surreal, and Shelby opened her eyes to remind herself that it was truly happening. Rachel's hair was identical to hers, and soft to the touch. Shelby inhaled sharply to catch her breath and nodded to let Rachel know that she understood what she was saying.

When Rachel finally pulled away from the embrace, Shelby turned her attention to Cassandra. Holly bit her lip and stayed silent in the corner. Part of her that couldn't stand Shelby and wanted her to disappear of the face of the Earth for all that she'd done to their family, and for the longest time that part of her dominated. But Holly remembered just as much as Cassandra did. The nights of partying with Shelby and Cassie when they were younger, and the pictures they'd framed from last minute concerts they'd gone to flashed like faded images in her mind. They'd had so much fun together when they were kids, but that was so long ago that Holly almost wasn't sure if it was relevant anymore.

Reaching her hand out, Cassandra made a "come here" gesture with her pointer finger, beckoning Shelby towards her. "Shelby," She insisted. Hesitantly, Shelby approached the hospital bed and stood at the side of it. Cassandra pulled herself across the bed until her hip was pressed against the cold metal bar that kept her from falling to the tile floor. "Lay here with me?"

Shelby glanced over at Holly, as if asking for permission. Holly wouldn't meet her gaze. After a few tense seconds, Holly nodded her head in Shelby's direction, clearly irritated.

"San, Rach. Let's get out of here for a little while," she said. It was more of a demand than a request.

Rachel wiped a stray tear from her cheek and cast a confused look at Shelby before following Santana and Holly out the door. It clicked loudly behind them and Shelby wrapped her arms self-consciously around herself. Why are hospitals always so damn cold? She wondered, biting her lower lip when she realized that she and Cassandra were alone.

"Shelby," Cassandra said, her tone softer than before. "Please. Can we just take a minute and pretend like nothing ever happened?"

Shelby let out a long, shaky breath, her stomach twisting in anxious knots. Following Cassandra's wish, Shelby got up on the bed with her. Almost immediately, Cassandra pulled her into a warm embrace, the chill of the room lost when Cassandra's hand brushed against Shelby's neck. She laid her head on Cassandra's shoulder and focused on breathing properly. Her nerves were getting the best of her, her heart thumping wildly in her chest.

I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be in her arms and she doesn't deserve to be hooked up to that IV. She wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for me. Shelby swallowed the large lump in her throat.

You're addicted to Shelby more than you're addicted to alcohol, Cassandra told herself as she inhaled and took in the flowery conditioner Shelby used in her hair. It was different than the one she used when they were together, Cassandra noticed, and she was slightly disappointed that it didn't feel familiar. It was freesia now, not roses. Alcohol replaced her when your heart shattered, but it's not nearly as satisfying. You know she isn't going to stay, and then alcohol will become your lover again. Don't be so naïve to think that you wouldn't drink yourself to death over this woman. Cassandra tried to pull Shelby in closer, but Shelby's body was tense against hers. Dragging her fingers softly over Shelby's wrist, Cassandra trailed her touch up Shelby's arm and felt the woman shiver. She waited for permission to continue and Shelby's body slowly relaxed against hers. Cass moved her hand to the front of Shelby's shirt and lifted it slightly, fire igniting where their skin made contact. She was always an amazing actress…but this is real. Shelby Corcoran is shaking and sobbing in your arms. You need to work if you want to put this family back together. Talk to her.

Her inner monologue over, Cass reached her hand up to caress Shelby's face. With the soft side of her thumb, she wiped a stray tear from Shelby's cheek.

"Talk to me, Shelby." Her voice was low, syrupy. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"Why do you keep defending me?" Shelby blurted out. She sniffed and continued before Cassandra had a chance to answer. "You're in the hospital because I left, and you're so willing to let me back in? I just don't understand, Cassandra…it took forever to open up to each other when we started our relationship in the first place…and now…"

"Shelby," Cassie spoke softly, nudging her softly so she would turn around and look at her. "I love you. We haven't just met. We've been through more than most couples have, and we're willing to work through it and that is incredible. Aren't you wanting to get past this? I'm tired of fighting like children. We are adults and ex-lovers, and we can be lovers again, if that's what you want..."

"Of course, I want that…" Shelby's voice was rough from her tears, but her voice carried the gentle tone of a woman in love. "It's just not what I deserve…"

Cassandra pressed a soft kiss to Shelby's lips. "Come home, sweetheart," she whispered against the corner of Shelby's mouth.

"You know I would if it was that easy," Shelby whispered back, clinging tightly to Cassandra, attempting to commit the feel of her body to recent memory. She wasn't sure when the next chance to be this close to her was going to come up. "We have to take things slower than this, Cassandra." Her breath hitched.

"Why?" Cassandra demanded. "Because of Holly? Because of Rachel or Santana?"

Shelby shook her head. "For their sanity and for our own. We can't just pick up where we left off. And I'm trapped in that house." Her stomach flipped as she recognized she was saying too much again. She changed the subject. "Besides. I'm not the same person I used to be. What if you don't love me like you used to? What if your still angrier with me than you want to admit?"

"Are we going to let "what ifs" control our lives, Shelby?" Cass asked her, placing another sweet kiss to the woman's lips and then to her cheek, and then her forehead.

"You're forgiving me too easily," Shelby shook her head, pulling away slightly.

"You didn't shove those bottles of whiskey down my throat," Cassandra argued. "You talk like you don't want me to forgive you. Isn't that why you came back?" she was hurt that Shelby had pulled away.

"Sometimes I just have a hard time remembering that this is my life now," Shelby admitted, running her hand through Cassandra's matted hair. "And I can't forget what happened between us when we're lying in a hospital bed because you gave yourself alcohol poisoning." She didn't mean it as a dead-pan, but the bluntness of her statement put things into perspective for Cassandra.

"This is a start, at least…" Cass looked into Shelby's glossy, sorrowful eyes. "Isn't it?"

Shelby nodded, wetting her lips and pulling Cass into a tight hug. "Yes, my love. It's a start." She promised.