14. Emotions

"So what happened, mom?"

The genuine concern in her daughter's voice struck a cord with Olivia and she felt the emotions bubble back up to the surface that she'd suppressed for so long. She blinked rapidly a few times and took another deep breath. How could she explain to Sarah in a few words what had happened between her and Elliot? She could try to remain vague, ask Sarah what she'd heard and just fill in a few blanks for her, but she realized that there were some things begging to come out. And despite Sarah's carefree attitude and lifestyle, she knew that whatever she told her daughter, would be absolutely safe with her. And with Noah of course, because she would confide in her brother.

She looked at Sarah and saw what she always saw. A beautiful young woman that was judged by the cover way too often. But she was so much more than just a pretty girl. She was very intelligent and sensitive. She was just able to thoroughly enjoy a moment. On the surface that seemed superficial to others. Sarah could giggle all day long, but it wasn't because she didn't take anything seriously. It was the opposite, really, and enjoying life like that was something Olivia had learned from her. She'd drank in her daughter's excitement and pure joy when she was little and they'd go to a playground or a theme park. Sarah would absorb everything like a sponge and was able to recall the tiniest of details afterwards, reciting everything they'd done and enjoying it all over again.

She'd sometimes scare off children that were less vocal than she was, but it never deterred her. She'd been a blessing to her much quieter brother, who had learned to stand up for himself within the safety of their little family, and they'd developed a beautiful brother-sister relationship.

And now Sarah was here, asking her about Elliot. Part of her wanted to brush things off, knowing Sarah would basically memorize anything she'd tell her and run with it. But another part of her just wanted to blurt it all out. Get it over with and see what Sarah would say.

Sarah had watched several emotions flit across her mother's face and realized that her question couldn't be answered easily. There was so much hidden behind her mother's eyes and the predominating emotion seemed to be sadness, or a sense of loss. It broke her heart a little. She'd never seen her mother break for herself before. For others, plenty of times. But never for herself. She needed to help her give words to whatever it was that she'd been bottling up inside and Sarah decided to ask her another, more precise question.

"Were you in love with him?"

Olivia's eyes flicked up to Sarah's instantly. She was a little shocked and told herself to keep breathing. She could pretend to think long and hard about the question but the answer was right there on the tip of her tongue. Time to let it out at last.

"Yes."

"And was he in love with you?"

Sarah fired off the next question fast, as if she had no idea how much Olivia's answer had meant to her. She'd finally said it out loud and she needed a moment. And then Sarah's hand was on her back, rubbing it gently. She must have seen on her face that her mother was struggling a bit.

"I think so," she managed to say softly.

"He never told you?"

Olivia shook her head and smiled sadly.

"We never actually said much to each other. It was all between the lines."

"Oh."

Sarah thought about her answer for a few moments but had a new question for her fairly quickly.

"But Noah said that he told you about his feelings and you ran away from it."

Olivia hung her head. Why had she agreed to this conversation again?

"So what did he say, exactly, mom?" Sarah prodded and Olivia closed her eyes.

That particular conversation had been seared into her brain.

"If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it, I know you would have taken the shot, Olivia."

"No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?"

"I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."

"What about me?"

"Look, we both chose each other over the job. I'll never let that happen again. Otherwise ... we can't be partners."

"I can't believe you're saying that."

"You and this job are the only things I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that. I couldn't take it."

Basically, Elliot had told her that he couldn't lose her as a partner. She was all he had left now and he needed her next to him. He was going to shove aside the elephant in the room so he could continue working with her. He needed that, he needed her and the job to anchor him. But she just couldn't do it. Not at the time. She could no longer ignore what had been brought out in the open by this grueling case. Elliot running to her in stead of the boy and his rage afterwards had told her once and for all how deep his feelings for her truly were.

I can't do this anymore! I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay!

I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to your rescue!

Because that was how Elliot responded to deep emotions. He'd been furious and although she'd yelled back at him at the time, all of their reflexes kicking in that they had perfected over time, she'd known that he was really furious with himself, and not her.

And then the face-off with Gitano. They had both been in tears. Even the pervert who'd been holding the gun on Elliot had picked up on what was going on between them. She would never have taken the shot. She'd known for a fact, that she would choose him over the job again. She would always choose him. Cragen and Hendrix had been right. They were too close and she couldn't do it anymore. Wasn't that what Elliot had shouted, too? I can't do this anymore. His words had kept ringing in her head. We can't be partners. She'd needed a break. But how could she explain that to Sarah? She shook her head and smiled wryly. They really had been complicated.

"He told me," she finally told her daughter with a slight tremor in her voice, "that me and the job were all he had left, and that he couldn't take it if he wrecked that too."

She looked into her daughter's brown eyes and saw that she was trying to process the information.

"Because he'd just lost everything else. He was separated from his wife, hardly saw his children anymore and a boy had died because he ran to me in stead of the child we were trying rescue."

Something clicked with Sarah and she asked,

"What was wrong with you, that he ran to you?"

"Our perp had cut my neck. Elliot thought I was going to die."

"Oh my god," Sarah sighed. "I knew your job was dangerous but ..."

The young woman shook her head and Olivia put a hand on her arm.

"I didn't die and then he was furious with himself for choosing me over the boy. He took that out on me, actually. We were a pretty screwed-up pair."

Sarah blew out a breath, still trying to erase the image of her mother bleeding from her neck from her mind.

"Later, he said we could never choose each other over the job again, or we couldn't be partners."

"But if you loved each other, you would always choose each other," Sarah stated, and it wasn't a question.

"Exactly."

"So that's why you left."

"Yes. But I came back after a while and we tried to make it work again. And then he got his wife pregnant, moved back home to his family and we reverted back to how things had been before his separation."

"And that worked?"

Olivia bit her lip and smirked.

"Up to a point. Eventually we did find our groove again. We still worked great together. It was very intuitive. We could read each other perfectly. We finished each other's sentences in interrogations and were a pretty effective unit."

Sarah smiled, watching the expression on her mother's face change significantly.

"You loved working with him."

Olivia smiled now too, a real smile this time.

"I did."

"And you sacrificed your love for him so you could keep working with him."

"Yes."

"So why did he leave?"

...

Sarah had a lot to think about. Seeing her mother get emotional was something she wasn't used to. She'd told her about the shooting at the precinct. That her partner, Catherine's grandfather, had had to shoot a young girl to prevent her from killing any more people than she already had. They had hardly spoken after the shooting but she'd seen the haunted look in his eyes. She'd tried to get him to talk but he'd shut her down immediately so she'd just told him she'd call him later. Only the man had never answered any of her calls. It had been like he'd vanished and it was difficult for Sarah to see how much that still hurt her mother. Because obviously, he hadn't vanished at all. He was still alive and they had met for the first time in twenty-four years unexpectedly. And all those long years, he had never once let her know how he was doing or that he still cared about her. He had just ignored her. It was a hard, painful slap in the face after twelve years of friendship. Sarah would never treat any of her friends that way, and neither would her mother.

The guy had been upset, she got that. But to just quit and never bother to pick up the phone when his best friend was calling? The woman he loved even? That was just heartless. She couldn't understand it and she was beginning to grasp a little why it had been so shocking for her mother to see the man again. And why it still hurt after all this time. She'd like to give this Stabler a piece of her mind. You just don't hurt someone like that. And especially not someone as wonderful as her mother.

Noah had joined them and was trying to read his sister's mind but she was reluctant to share with him what her mother had told her while Olivia was right there, making dinner in the kitchen.

"So ... you two have a nice chat?" he finally asked his sister, and Olivia immediately looked at them from the kitchen.

Sarah nodded, giving him a somewhat warning stare, but Noah pressed on.

"Did you talk about that time in 2016 when Mr. Stabler came to see mom?"

Noah stood up when he heard a clanging sound from the kitchen, and saw his mother duck down to pick something up. She had dropped her spatula. When she stood up straight again, he could see the question in her eyes.

"2016? Noah, what are you talking about?"

...

Slow story, I know. More soon. Please leave a review, I love getting those!