JACKSON
I watch her every day and I can see the substantial progress that she's making.
Even so, I can't help but worry about her.
Before everything had happened between us, April had always been my friend and my person. She was the one who had been there for me time and time again. There was the exception with Samuel, but… that was a completely different story, an anomaly from the norm. Not quite the desertion that I had accused it of being at the time, or at least, not in the same way that I had thought of it back then. She was one of the best people in my life, I knew that. I also knew she didn't have enough people looking out for her. Someone needed to be there for her, to remind her that she wasn't constantly on her own.
But I didn't want to hover too obsessively, either. It was a hard line to walk. I wanted her to know that I supported her every step of the way but didn't want her to think that my watching and hovering was coming from a place of doubt. I did trust her. I just wanted to help, too.
Keeping a close eye on her meant watching the changes that her body was going through, too. The morning sickness came and went after a couple of weeks. Her breasts had grown quickly as well, something that I had taken full advantage of, admittedly. I knew that she didn't feel great on a physical basis about all of the changes in her body, but I was trying to give her a few benefits wherever she could get them. That just happened to be an easy one.
It eventually came to the point where hiding the pregnancy was no longer feasible, both from the standpoint of the growing bump with our babies, and the nature of our work. It's difficult for a trauma surgeon to try and avoid all of the x-rays in the E.R. and do so in a subtle manner. There wasn't much that I could do to help her there.
April got to come out with it on her own terms, though, which I could tell made her happy. Hunt was the first person besides Arizona to officially find out, and after that, world traveled around pretty fast. A few people claimed that they had already pieced it together on their own terms from the way that we had both been acting, but she didn't seem to mind much. She just seemed happy that no one else had directly stated it for her. No one doubted why that was.
The news being out in the open is good, as far as I'm concerned. It means I can touch and hover around her without having to worry about other people were thinking. We were joint at the hip lately, and people knew exactly why.
Except we still weren't together. Not officially, at least.
I hadn't brought up the idea of moving in together since she'd told me that she was pregnant and gone on a lecture about how we still needed to take things slow and not take leaps and bounds in the direction of a relationship. I respected and understood that. She still needed time. But my mind was made up. This time things were going to work. We'd figure it out and settle down, we'd raise our kids together. There'd be no awkward co-parenting. It'd be the two of us, together again. The way that it should have been from the start.
She really was glowing now, though. It seemed like therapy was treating her well. I'd asked teasingly once or twice if she'd let me peek inside of her journal, and she'd shot that down quickly, not that I was surprised in the slightest. April had been more open than ever with me, but everyone had things they weren't ready to open up about.
I was a little curious where all of this was going, though. If it was helping her get ready to settle down with me, or steering her in the opposite direction. I could deal with the latter if it meant seeing her happy again, seeing her smile. I knew we'd always be connected, one way or another. Harriet and the twins would make sure of that.
"Hey, are you ready to go to the store?" I announced my presence, walking into her house. We'd exchanged keys after the end of the first trimester mark, a little celebratory thing for both the pregnancy and keeping each other closer.
Harriet had been dropped off with her grandparents for the afternoon. We'd made plans to hit up a few baby stores and start preparing for a nursery, even if we had postponed the moving in together discussion. I knew that today was going to be a good day for bringing it up again, based off of feasibility. We'd already have to buy two of almost everything with two babies in the picture. Now it was a question of whether or not two was going to become four.
"Yeah, I think so." April's voice was the first thing I heard, but she appeared from the hallway moments later, running her fingers through her hair and smoothing it over her shoulders. I'm surprised to see it down. Lately, she'd been complaining about being hot all the time, almost always throwing her hair up.
"Why don't I drive?" I suggested gently, throwing in a compliment for good measure. "You look nice."
She smoothed her hair over the maternity dress that she was wearing, giving a little squirm for a moment to adjust the length that it fell. It was perfectly modest. "Thanks," she smiled at me after a moment, grabbing her purse off of the counter. "Alright, let's go."
It's not a long drive over to the mall. but I don't want to leave the conversation that I had stuck in my mind for the middle of the store. It was better to at least try and get it out of the way while it was just the two of us. A little less tension when we weren't under public eye or expectations, not that I thought this conversation was going to turn sour. Just in case.
"Hey, so, I've been thinking about the stuff for the nursery…" I glance over at her as I began speaking. "We're already going to have to go double duty on a lot of it, since twins. I know we haven't talked about it lately, but, I'd like you to reconsider moving in together. The market is in a pretty good place right now, we could go ahead and get in the neighborhood for Harriet's preschool. Get a four bedroom, that way they can both have a room of their own in a couple of years when they've grown up some." I throw out every viable explanation for us to move in together, trying to leave emotion out of the equation for the moment, even if that was the very thing that spurred the conversation as far as I was concerned.
April hummed audibly for a moment before falling quiet, thinking about my words. I watch her from the corner of my eye, spotting her rubbing her stomach. It distracted me for only a brief moment, wondering if the babies were kicking.
"It's not a bad idea," she finally spoke up, and I let out the breath that I had been holding onto. "Things have been good between us and if there are two babies then it's going to be a lot easier to have two adults around full time." She had taken the same stance as I had, and I don't blame her for that: reason, logic, facts. Even if I had been hoping to hear something a little more from her. "I have one thought, though." She added after a moment.
"Yeah?" I give another glance at her before refocusing on the road. "What's that?"
"Would you go to therapy with me once time? I know that it's a lot to ask but… I just want you to see where I am on all pages and I really like Connie. I think it might be easier with her there, to kind of… break down the wall, I guess." April started. "Just one time."
I'm surprised for a brief moment. I thought that wall between us was already down but I guess I should have realized there was always more going on with her. It wasn't exactly couples counseling, it was interpersonal – it was about her, not me. But she was healing, she was making progress. And I had told her that I was going to be with her every step of the way. That included this.
"Sure thing," I agreed with a nod of her head, reaching over for her hand. "Tell me when and where."
"Is this week okay?" She suggested. "I mean, we probably need to get started on the house sooner rather than later and… might as well knock it out of the way."
"That's fine with me." I agreed, smiling softly. I turned into the parking lot, pulling up out front of the store and pausing for a moment. "Here, go ahead and get out. I'll go park the car and meet you inside." I suggested, not wanting to make her walk much more than necessary. April stared at me with a funny expression for a moment before conceding, getting out of the car and walking in. It's a crowded parking lot and I don't get the best space, but it doesn't take me long to catch up with her inside of the store.
When I do find her in the middle of an aisle filled with gender-neutral onesies galore, she's already pushing around a cart with a variety of items. Diapers that we would never have enough of, butt cream, two waterproof mattress covers… she really hadn't hesitated to go for the basics.
"Hey," I greet her, placing my hands on her shoulders and giving them a gentle squeeze. "And here I thought you'd insist on recycling all of Harriet's," I teased.
"Oh, we're definitely recycling some of Harriet's," she glanced back at me with a grin. "But then we had one and now we're having two, so we'll need more. Keep rubbing my shoulders, though, that feels good."
I'm happy to comply with her request, letting my thumbs dig into her shoulders little more and trying to prove her some relief. She'd begun complaining about her back a little more as she grew in size around the waist, and I knew that back pain was a common complaint for women with bigger chests. I'm sure that she wasn't used to having quite as much weight up here, either.
"Are you going to have a baby shower? I know that you didn't with Harriet, but I thought maybe this time…" I suggested gently.
"Arizona and some of the nurses offered to throw me one. I didn't say no, so I'm pretty sure that there's going to be a surprise shower at some point or another." April responded, barely shrugging her shoulders in my hand. That was good. I knew it was more of a girl thing, and I'd wondered if she'd been upset not to have one with Harriet. But at least this pregnancy, she had her best friend on her side again. That was good for everyone involved.
"Well, onesies are a pretty big gift item for baby showers. Maybe we should look at some bigger items, yeah? Strollers for twins, you know. Another car seat."
I eased her along gently so we could look at some of the strollers. She'd been picky about getting one for Harriet so I expected the same kind of attitude for these babies, but it was going to be a little more challenging given that there were more limited options when it came to strollers for twins. I let her poke and prod away at the varieties offered, chiming in with both my opinion and the reminder to not worry about the price tags on some of the items. It didn't surprise me that two babies really did cost more in every possible way.
Eventually, April settled down on the Contours Options Elite Tandem Stroller at the last minute. I'd thought that we wouldn't be able to pick one out today, but she liked the fact that it had some different seating options and that it snapped in infant car seats. It was a little heavy in my opinion, but she assured me that it'd be nothing once her bump was out of the way.
"Jackson?" April's voice drew me out of thoughts in the middle of swiping my credit card, and I expected some comment about the total being well in the hundreds. It's not a big deal to me – especially given it's about our kids. "Baby, I'm starving. I really, really, really need some mozzarella sticks."
I blink at her in surprise for a moment. "Mozzarella sticks?" I questioned. "I thought you weren't eating much fried food these days."
Wrong comment.
"I can eat whatever I want!" She quipped back at me quickly. Number one indicator I'm in trouble.
"I know, I know," I backtracked quickly. "I'm just making sure that's what you really want. Promise. You can have as many mozzarella sticks as you want. Why don't we swing by Sonic on the way home, yeah? You can get one of those diet cherry limeades that you love." I suggest quickly, admittedly trying to suck up.
"Diet?" April echoed my words. "Why diet? Do you think I'm fat?"
"No, no." Oh, please don't let this spiral. "You always get diet, baby. That's the one that you like."
She paused for a moment, then I finally feel like I can breathe again. "Yeah, you're right."
There's officially no question that the hormones of the pregnancy were starting to affect her in more than a few ways. I bend down and give her a sweet kiss on the lips, maneuvering the box with the stroller into the cart and then fitting the other sacks of supplies in it. Moving with the cart slowly makes it a slow walk out to the car, but it doesn't take me long to play Tetris with the items in the backseat and try to get it all organized.
"Are you sure all you want is mozzarella sticks? Do you want marinara sauce? Ranch?" I questioned her by the time we get to the drive-thru.
"Oh, ranch. Extra ranch, actually." April answered, rubbing her stomach. "Come feel."
I reach over with her request, stretching my fingers across her stomach to feel the movement resting beneath her skin. I can feel the babies kicking and moving around inside of her and I can't help but beam at her for a moment. It's amazing. I'd felt it with Harriet a few times, but this time, she's much more comfortable with touch in the first place. I love being able to feel it. Mostly, I love the knowledge that the baby in there is safe. We were still waiting on the amnio results technically, but that feeling was the answer that I really needed.
Her mood goes up considerably by the time that she gets to scarf down her mozzarella sticks and swallow it without a mouthful of cherry limeade. There's something, well, amusing about it. Most guys probably would have been irritated by the back and forth and food cravings, but it hadn't gotten under my skin just yet.
I drop her back off at her house and let her take some of the smaller items in with her, knowing that she was going to be a little anal about washing and folding them. Probably more than once between now and when the babies came in a few months, but hopefully she wouldn't get too deep into nesting before we moved. The rest I could keep with me. I'd happily take on the bulk of things when it came to moving – it's why the first thing that I did when I got home from picking Harriet up was call up my realtor and give her a timetable.
But I do go along with what she wants without complaint.
We drive over to Connie's office on a rainy Thursday evening. By then, we had the results of the amnio. Arizona knew the gender of the babies and we still didn't. What we did know was they were healthy. No signs of genetic abnormalities and everything on the ultrasound checked out normal.
Of course, April had been right. Arizona was planning a surprise baby shower for her next week, but I'd been instructed to not tell her and just make sure that she got there close to on time. It'd no doubt be a team effort between Hunt and me to make sure that she didn't get pulled into surgery, and that she didn't get offended by keeping her out of it just long enough to get her there. One of those things was going to be harder than the other.
I notice right off the bat that April does seem extremely comfortable with her therapist. Connie seemed plenty nice, thoughtful. I listen to the two of them for awhile, trying to get on the same page as the two of them. I knew April had been journalling excessively, and I knew that she'd picked up in attitude. I didn't know too much beyond that, though.
"Jackson, if you don't mind, I'd like to hear a little bit from you." The words draw me out of my thoughts, blinking a few times and looking at the older woman.
I nodded. "Sure, uh, what about, exactly?" I questioned. Connie looked at April.
"Well… we've talked a lot about Samuel. I know that before I started coming here, I never really got past him." April said, looking at me with a deep frown on her mouth. I can see her grab at her stomach, the way that she normally did whenever she thought about him. "I thought that… maybe it'd be good to talk about that?" She suggested with a raise of her eyebrows.
"Oh." That hadn't been expected. "I, uh… I don't know. I think that I did heal, more or less, when you were in Jordan. It… sucked. Every day of it sucked. I spent a lot of time with my mom." I glance down at my hands, running my palms down the length of my thighs. "I miss him, and, yeah… it's not fair. Life isn't fair though, I get that." Even if I did feel like I was past it, it's still something that I'm not sure exactly how to talk about. I didn't think that a person could ever completely get past the loss of a child. They just learned how to adapt, survive, and move on. I'd done that. I'd channeled my anger into April initially with her being gone, but now that was gone, too. Maybe it hadn't been perfect, but it had gotten me through the end. Even if I had hurt her along the way.
"Is there anything else? You're looking awfully introspective, Jackson." Connie commented.
"I…" A frown pulling at my corners, I rub the back of my head. "I was just angry for a long time. Filled with rage. I… I didn't really take down the nursery, you know? I tore it apart. Literally. I had to go into the E.R. and get Warren to stitch up my arm." I turn my arm out toward April, twisting it so she could see the faint scar that was there. "But I guess once I got all of it out… it was okay. Or as okay as it could be." I shrugged my shoulders, trying to brush it off.
"You never told me that," April said softly, reaching out for my arm and running a finger down the length of the scar. "Why didn't you tell me?" She asked, looking up at me.
"Because we never talked about taking down the nursery. You were mad… rightfully so, I should have talked to you about it. But I was alone and I just spiraled, I guess. But it was what I needed to do. Like you needed to go to Jordan." The comparison seemed to be the thing that made it click logically in her head. We had both healed separately. At the time, at the divorce, I had hated it. A part of me still wished that we had been able to do it together, that maybe things wouldn't have turned out the same way that they were now. But we had Harriet, and now the twins. Things hadn't turned out too bad. We both loved our kids more than anything else in the world.
"It's good that you're opening up about it now," Connie chimed in. "From my understanding, this is really the root of how the divorce between the two of you started, correct?" She prompted.
We both glanced at each other for a short moment before nodding. I can't help but let out a sigh. I'd triggered it into motion, even if it had ultimately been a decision between the two of us. I couldn't bear much more of the guilt than what she could. We had played equal parts here and there.
"How do you feel about the divorce now?" She asked, looking between the both of us.
Each of us falls quiet for a moment, waiting for the other start speaking. The ice is there, waiting to be broken. I knew what I wanted to say, even if I wasn't entirely sure that she was ready to hear it. But now seemed like a better time than waiting for the natural opportunity. That might never come.
"Honestly, it feels like… a necessary evil," I started. "I love you, April. I love you and our children, I love everything that we have together. And I know that we made mistakes. I know that I made mistakes, that I jumped to conclusions and I strung you on a few times. I should have never done that and you certainly didn't deserve that. But I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to have a better chance. I think that… you know, we wouldn't be where we are if it hadn't happened. I don't mean that in the obvious context but, I don't think we'd be on as good of terms now without it. We would have just kept making the same mistakes and hurting each other again and again. I'm not happy that it happened, not necessarily. I wanted to be married to you. But I think it was better for the both of us that it did happen."
It was admittedly a speech that I had prepared for awhile now, thinking it over time and time again. I knew that I loved her, and I didn't know fully if I regretted everything that had happened. Some things, certainly. I shouldn't have strung her along during the divorce, told her that I wanted her and then turned around on her weeks later. But this time was different. I knew that it was different, and I wanted her to know that too.
April took a deep breath and offered me a tearful smile, reaching for the tissue box and dabbing the skin beneath her eyes gently for some of the tears that slipped out. I could only hope that it was a good thing, waiting for her to speak up as well.
"I guess that necessary evil is the right way to put it," she finally agreed with a nod of her head. "I want to be with you and I want to have our family together. That's why I agreed to move in. But I have to admit that I'm scared of going through the ringer again. That something bad is going to happen and we're not going to be able to handle it like we should. I want it to work so badly, though, I do. I just don't know how to get rid of this fear inside me." She elaborated.
I nodded in understanding. It was reasonable, after everything. I couldn't blame her for that, even if I'm not entirely sure what to say on the matter. I'd offered reassurance, I'd been there for the past few months. I wanted it to be enough. Maybe it was just one of those things where she needed more time to really see it because I didn't want something bad to happen to have to prove it.
"Recognizing the fear that you're feeling and that you both want to make it work is a big deal." Connie chimed in before I could completely gather my thoughts. "Now, divorce isn't my specialty, as you both know. But I have coworkers on the matter, and they've all told me the same thing. They can tell if a couple is going to make it work pretty much right off the bat, based on how much effort they're willing to put into the relationship. And it seems like you two are passionate enough about each other to make it work."
The words are something that we both end up leaving her office thinking about. I'd been thinking it for weeks, really, that this time we had what it took to cut it out. Having an outside who knew April so well confirm it was a good feeling.
I drive her home, holding her hand with mine the entire way. She made idle chatter about the baby and nurseries, talking on and off about whether or not crib sharing would be beneficial for the babies at the beginning. I let her go on and on. She's happiest when it came to talking about the kids, I loved seeing her happy.
"April?" I grab her attention when we finally pull up to her house, and I put the car in park. "Would you like to go and look at some houses this weekend?" I brace the subject as gentle as I can while being direct, turning to look at her.
She smiled at me. "Yeah. Yeah, I would."