Chapter 14
TheQuestion
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"I really want a laptop Mom. There are these neat decals you can put on them, too. There's even one with Captain Marvel on it." Emma saw her Mom raise a brow and looked away, trying to focus again on the cookies she was decorating, but she was too excited. "You know for school work. And just think of all the educational games you can get me." She added carefully, knowing that at least half of her gifts would be of this nature anyway.
The corner of Regina's mouth turned up in amusement at her daughter's strategy, but only just. She dusted the dough in front of her with more flour before kneading it again. "I told you I'd think about it." As she turned to skim the recipe book her reading glasses slipped down her nose. When she moved to adjust them Emma burst into giggles. "What's so funny?" Regina asked suddenly as she watched her daughter try to stifle her laughter.
"Nice look Mom." Emma gave her thumbs up and bit her lip to keep from busting out again.
"What?" Regina turned then and caught sight of herself in the reflecting surface of the cooking pots strung over the stove. "Oh!" Her nose and cheeks were smudged in fine white powder. She smiled to herself and reached for a clean dish towel to wipe her face and her hands, playfully tossing the towel at Emma when she was done.
Emma caught it and tossed it back with a giggle. "Sooooooo, back to my wish list." She persisted as she added a small mountain of sprinkles to the sugar cookie in front of her.
"Go easy with the sprinkles, baby. We still have another tray to decorate."
Emma nodded as she moved on to the next cookie with an easier hand. "Ruby is getting a new bike. She said she heard Granny and you talk about it on the phone last week. Do you think I could have a new one too? I'm getting too big for my old one. Then her and I can ride together to school and—" Emma trailed off when the doorbell rang.
Regina sighed, a bit grateful for the interruption. All Emma could talk about this last week was Christmas and what all of her friends were getting. While she was glad Emma was making more friends in the last few months it seemed like there was a competition going on in her daughter's class to see who would get the best gifts. Regina didn't like the thought of Emma getting sucked up into the materialistic world of tweens. She reached over the cookies and took the sprinkle shaker from Emma.
"That's probably Mal. Check the window and if it's her answer the door for me please."
Emma eased off the stool with a small pout wanting to finish her list. "But Moomm."
Regina shook her head and rounded the island countertop to retrieve the finished tray of decorated cookies. With her free hand, she guided her daughter by the shoulder to the doorway. "Scoot."
"Okay." Emma mumbled and hurried out of the kitchen to the front door. A quick peek through the side window showed Mal in a heavy overcoat, arms loaded with wrapped packages. Emma pressed her face near the glass, calling. "What's the password?"
Mal smirked before those blue eyes crossed and her face morphed into a goofy one. She laughed as Emma made one in return before unlocking the door. Their game of greeting whenever she answered the door always left her in stitches.
Emma thought Mal was silly in a way she had come to like very much. She flung open the door and reached for a bag that was slipping from the woman's arm. "Are these for me?" Emma asked, so delighted at the thought that she hopped up and down. She had grown accustomed to the treats and little things Mal sometimes brought her when visiting lately.
As she set the packages she brought down by the door, Mal smiled at the eager girl. "These are my contribution to the party your Mom is helping with at the Children's Clinic." She began and stopped when she saw that sweet face fall. "But now that I think about it there is one in here for you somewhere after all."
Brightening and eying the packages anew, Emma started to un-wrap them with her eyes.
"Where's your Mom?"
"In the kitchen baking—" Emma's voice was suddenly drowned out by her Mom's.
"Baby, shut the door please. I can feel the draft all the way in the kitchen." Calling, Regina stood in the kitchen doorway down the hall as she took off her apron. Spotting Mal she tossed the flour covered thing into the laundry room on her way over.
Emma shut the door and went over to the pile of presents Mal had set down and began to fish through them. She shook one package and grimaced a bit at the obvious sound of kissing behind her. That was something she was still getting used to, but it didn't bother her as much as it used to for how happy her Mom seemed with Mal. A moment later she felt her Mom's hand on hers, pulling her up and away from the pile.
"Those are not for you." Regina reminded and let go of her daughter as Mal coughed softly next to her.
"I told her that there is one in there for her." Mal could feel the uneasiness of her mistake creep up into her voice, turning her face a bright pink. "A little one… Somewhere."
Regina sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, "Emma, go and check the oven timer for me please."
"But Mom, she said she had one for me."
Regina raised her brow and nodded to the kitchen.
Confused on why the adults seemed to need a minute, Emma shuffled down the hall.
"I didn't mean to do it again." Mal stated, opening her both hands in a plea for understanding.
Shaking her head, Regina took those hands into her own. "I told you no more gifts. She's been spoiled these last few weeks. You can't bring her a present every time you come over. She won't stop liking you if you stop bringing her things."
Sheepish. "It's just that it took so long for her to open up to me and I like seeing her smile."
"I know, but it has to stop." Then Regina softened. "Thank you for caring so much about her, I love that you do, but you can't win her affection this way."
"Alright, no more gifts…" Adamant, Mal agreed readily and then thought about Emma's face again. "Starting next time."
"Mal, starting now. Please go and tell her you were mistaken." Regina pulled back and tapped a chest for emphasis while struggling to keep a serious face for the ever effective puppy eyes Mal was making.
"I can't do that, did you see her face? She's expecting it. There is bag of stocking stuffer items. I'll give her one of the Lip Smacker packs. It's cold anyway and useful, not really a gift gift per say." Mal pleaded with Regina pulling her back over. She leaned in then and smoothly kissed a cheek near an ear feeling caramel skin warm under her lips.
Regina closed her eyes and letting Mal linger for a long moment. She bit her lip giving in. "Alright, but this is absolutely the last time." She whispered, relenting to that request. "Another kiss like that won't save you a second time Mal." She pulled back and shook her finger in jest.
"Mom, are the cookies supposed to be smoking?" Emma called from down the hall as she poked her head around the corner.
"What?" Regina turned sharply away from Mal and started to hurry towards the kitchen.
"Just kidding!" Emma covered both hands over her mouth as a giggle escaped. "They're fine. Can I have one? They smell so good."
"After lunch you may." With that comment the smile disappeared right from her daughter's face.
"But I'm not hungry like that and I'm going over to Ruby's and wanted to take one to share." Emma confirmed and went past her Mom to go and get her coat from the hall closet.
Regina reached out and gently caught Emma about the shoulders. "Hold it right there. Since when are you telling me instead of asking me?"
"Hold what where?" Then thinking through the rest of her Mom's words and what else they could have meant and realizing. "Oh, since never, sorry. Can I go to Ruby's?" Emma looked from brown eyes to a red mouth. "Please?"
"Much better, thank you. That's 'may I' and not today. We have some errands to run this afternoon and then the children's Christmas party at the clinic to attend. You know that."
"Mom, I don't want to go. They're all little kids and I won't have any fun. And Ruby and I need to work on stuff."
"Stuff like homework?" Not recalling any on her daughter's school calendar through the winter holiday.
"No…" Squirming. "Like just stuff, stuff."
That was new information. While Emma detested crowds still the party was a well known and planned for event her daughter looked forward to each year. "I hear you and I understand if you don't want to go, but I need your help. Maybe you two can get together tomorrow instead."
"But I need to do this stuff with her now. It's important."
"Again, I hear you, though my answer is the same. Not today baby."
Sensing Mom and daughter needed a moment from the storm coming to Emma's eyes Mal decided to make her exit. "Regina, I'll be back around dinner time then, for tree decorating?" Asking to confirm their plans for that night.
"Yes, at 6 o'clock. Thank you for bringing by the gifts." Regina gave Mal a warm smile.
"Bye Emma. Your Mom knows what item in that pile is yours and go easy on her. Remember; Santa's watching you." She winked using two fingers to point to her eyes and then at Emma. That seemed to loosen the girl up a bit and she got a small grin from Emma and a wink from Regina in return. She adjusted her scarf before heading out the door and back into the cold afternoon.
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"I don't understand why I have to go." Emma stated as she handed her Mom the last of the packages to put in the trunk of the car.
Regina sighed and shut the trunk. The last few hours since Mal left Emma had indeed gone easy on her, only picking up the fight as they were getting ready to leave. "I still have a little shopping to do for the nurse's helping with the party and I want you to pick out a gift to give to one of the children." That to do item seemed to get Emma's attention and she hoped in a positive way. "We can have it gift wrapped at the mall. Besides, I need your help carrying the gifts and the cookie platters into the party." She explained as she went around to the driver's side.
"Can't you just drop me off at Ruby's instead?"
"Emma." Warning.
"Fine."
And Emma slammed the car door in response. Regina could see her through the window in the back seat sulking. She stood outside in the cold a moment longer, letting the chill settle on her skin calming her before she got into the car.
The drive to the mall was quick and Regina did her best to help change her daughter's mood on the way. But Emma was in a temperamental state that was not budging. Why the party was an issue she had tried asking again and Emma very adamantly stated the same as was said before they got into the car to leave. At least Emma was sharing her feelings, a small thing to be thankful for and for that Regina let the grumbles go unchecked.
Eventually, Emma became distracted by all the window displays they passed as they walked. She held her Mom's hand, leaning in close as was her habit when in busy places. That comfort helped, until she recognized one of the girls from her class at school. And under the look of recognition coming her way she slipped her hand from her Mom's only to have it taken right up again and squeezed. She squeezed back automatically before pulling away again.
"Mom. I'm okay." She said when brown eyes looked down at her in question. "I don't need to." Only half true on needing her Mom close, but right then the most popular girl in her class was looking at her in such a way that made Emma's tummy tight. Ever since the botched sleepover she and Ruby had been invited to last month, Jessica Barnes had been on the war path with both of them. Teasing had been relentless and Emma wanted no reason to give the girl fuel to taunt her after winter break. Ruby was taking it especially hard and Emma had had about enough of it one afternoon at lunch recently.
Jessica and her posse had cornered them both at their table poking her and Ruby with words and fingers until Emma had stood right up and very loudly told her to stop it. Then it was too much and Emma had started counting to calm down. Jessica heard her and began counting too in a mocking way that made Emma's eyes sting. She had left the room after that to hide in the restroom until lunch was over, but Jessica had found her and wanted something in return for leaving them alone. Emma had promised to get what Jessica asked for if Jessica promised to stop teasing them, Ruby especially. That had been two days ago and Emma was no closer to getting something that fit the description of what Jessica wanted; had been worrying her mind over a way to get it. She had already spent the last of her saved allowance on a gift for her Mom and even a little something each for Mal, Granny and Ruby too.
Mom had asked what was bothering her when she had been tucked in that night after Jessica had cornered her. Honest, Emma said what she usually did in a case like this; that other kids didn't understand her; that her differences made it hard to be her sometimes. They had talked about what to do if that was the case. How to work through and let go of those feelings. She was reassured her Mom loved her and was kissed goodnight. But Emma didn't want to let it go. Jessica was a bully. She knew that, but she also wanted to solve this problem herself.
Emma thought about this as she followed her Mom into the nearest store, leaving Jessica staring after her. In Macy's while Regina paused to go through a rack of cashmere sweaters, Emma found the hat display. For five minutes she was happily distracted while she was supposed to be looking for a gift for the party, she took great pleasure in trying on and posing the various women's hats before she spotted what might just solve her problem. What she was sure Jessica would consider the most adorable mini backpack. It was girly in such a way that made Emma's nose wrinkle; pink, glitter, princess-y.
Totally Jessica. Yuck.
Emma hurried over to it and unzipped all the little pouches and ran her fingers over the princess crown design etched into the leather. Yes, this was perfect and would meet the requirements of the deal she had made. Yet she knew her Mom wouldn't buy it for her, not today at any rate.
Today was about other people and other kids. Ones that did not have what she had. Told the reason behind the party and the clinic's operation in general a long time ago Emma knew how important this party was to her Mom and more so to the kids and families that attended. Emma glanced at the price tag and winced for a few reasons; nearly $40.00 for a little accessory. She felt someone standing over her then and turned to see her Mom looking down at her.
"There you are baby. I told you to stay where I could see you."
"Sorry, I was just looking around." Then shifting foot to foot. "Are you finished?"
"Almost, I just need a few more things. Did you find a gift yet?" Regina asked.
"No, I'm still looking." Emma said, and then suddenly got an idea on how to fix both problems. "I know we're in a hurry so can you just give me the money and I'll wait for you by the gift wrapping counter?" Regina looked at her for a moment before glancing around at the store of busy shoppers. Emma saw the lines of hesitation on her Mom's face for more reasons than leaving her on her own and while Emma was struggling a little with the crowded feeling she was in a good place to manage that thanks to the consistency and time spent learning how to manage her emotions. Still she played it off as something else. "Mom I'm eleven. I can handle a little shopping."
Sighing before relenting, Regina glanced at her watch and noted they were indeed short on time. She dug into her purse and handed Emma the only cash she had; a folded hundred dollar bill. "Keep this in your pocket. Look around the children's department here and see what you can find. When you're done, go straight to the gift wrapping center over there and wait for me, alright?"
Emma pocketed the cash and nodded happily.
"Fifteen minutes I expect you to be right there." Confirming again in her worry over letting Emma out of her sight.
"I will. Promise."
She watched her Mom hurry off to another department before turning back to the mini backpack. Part of her felt guilty for what she was about to do. The other part of her mind rationalized that she was still listening to her Mom by getting a gift. Taking the backpack in hand she went over to a display of music boxes in the corner of the children's department.
Emma found a nice white box with a glass top that played the Sleeping Beauty theme song when opened. The music box was twenty five dollars on sale and gift wrapping was at least ten dollars, and the backpack was forty, so she'd give her mother back twenty five dollars in change. It would work. She kept telling herself that as she started to go over to the nearest register and stopped suddenly when she saw a display of action figures and one in particular she was missing from her collection.
Captain Marvel called to her from inside bright plastic packaging. She had been obsessed when the movie came out. She picked it up and looked it over. It was miniature version of the bigger action figures in her collection and she eyed the price. Five bucks. She shifted on her feet in thought. She wouldn't get her allowance again until next week. But maybe she could just pay her Mom back if she borrowed some now in advance, slip the money back into a purse. It would be even that way, right? Emma's tummy turned completely over at that idea as she looked at the items in her hand. Short on time and giving into her want Emma nibbled her lip as she went over to the counter and made her three purchases. She put the receipt in her pocket and took everything over to the wrapping center.
At the appointed time she stood waiting by the gift wrapping counter as instructed, holding a package wrapped in red elf paper. She had carefully concealed the mini back pack and action figure in the bag under her coat. As long as she held the gift box close to her stomach the bag wouldn't slip out. She spotted her Mom hurrying towards her with an arm full of shopping bags.
"What did you find sweetheart?" Regina asked a bit out of breath from her dash across the store.
"A music box. It's really, really nice. It was kind of expensive…" And it was at $49.99—not on sale, she reasoned. The blur of the truth made her tongue feel thick. Maybe this had not been such a good idea after all. "Here's the change." Emma handed her Mom a wad of cash she had held in her sweaty palm.
Regina put the change in her purse, not even bothering to count the crumpled bills. She wrapped her free arm around the Emma's shoulders as she guided the way out of the store. "That's great baby. I'm sure whatever child gets it will be very happy. Now let's hurry. It's almost four o'clock. The party will be starting soon." She completely missed the heavy sigh coming from those small shoulders as they exited the store.
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"There are so many Dr. Mills. How wonderful! I think there's enough to give each child two gifts." The bubbly nurse at the reception stand of the children's clinic exclaimed at the pile of presents Regina and Emma had carried in. "So many people have donated this year. It really means a lot to the children. Their families have enough to handle as it is this time of year."
"I'm glad so many people have contributed. Is the party in the room off the cafe again? We can carry these in." Regina asked, but the nurse shook her head.
"No, no, that's fine. Ms. Ratchet will take everything in for you." Even as this was said the nurse was already loading their packages onto a rolling cart.
"A few of the other Doctors are here and your patients have been asking when you'd be arriving. I kept telling them you were busy playing Santa's helper. It looks like your little one here was a big help to you as well." The nurse whispered the last bit eyeing Emma who was standing close by Regina's side.
"Are you excited for Santa this year?" The nurse directed her question to Emma.
Regina could feel her daughter stiffen beside her at such a question. Even at eleven Emma was still very small for her age. With her long strawberry blonde curls and green dress she looked to be about 8 or 9 years old.
Emma scowled darkly at the woman. A comment about Santa from Mal, whose intent she knew was in jest, was one thing. From someone who did not know her she took it quite differently. She was about to comment when she felt her Mom's reassuring hand rubbing the tense spot between her shoulder blades gently.
"Yes, we're both excited. We'll just go on in. Thank you." Regina ended the conversation before Emma could get worked up.
"I'm not that little." Emma mumbled as they walked down the hallway toward the large conference room.
"Sometimes grownups say things without thinking. She didn't say it to be mean. Now remember what we talked about. If you need a break just come take my hand." Regina reminded her as they entered the room.
Almost instantly a swarm of little boys and girls rushed towards them. Each of them squealing and calling out to Regina, happy for her attention. Regina took her time and greeted each one and the parents who came by to say their hellos. As this went on, Emma studied the room which was decorated with silver and white streamers and figurines in the theme of a winter wonderland. With the fake snow and Santa display in the corner it felt a bit like what she used to think the North Pole would be like when she had believed in Santa. She wandered to the far end of the room where there was a banquet table set up with all sorts of holiday goodies. Already their cookie plates they had made that morning had been laid out. There was a large decorated tree in another the corner where she saw Nurse Ratchet arranging the donated presents.
"Emma, come back over here, I want you to meet some people."
At her Mom's insistence Emma went back over to greet a few of her Mom's colleagues and was introduced. She was polite and eventually excused after a few minutes. Wandering around the room a little more some of the smaller children tried to get her to play, but she shrugged them off and went to sit down. After an hour or so of Christmas carols and a craft project she actually found herself enjoying, it was finally time for presents to be passed around.
Emma watched all the children opening their gifts. She couldn't help but feel a little off that she was the only one who had nothing to open. Well, not the only one. Some of the other Doctor's at the clinic had brought their children too and those kids were watching as she was.
From across the room Regina could see by her daughter's expression that Emma was struggling with something. She watched as Emma's eyes softened and a small smile formed on the girl's lips. Sipping her cider, she looked to where Emma was gazing. A little girl, who was about seven and one of Regina's patients, had received Emma's gift. The child tore at the elf wrapping paper and her eyes lit up at the sight of the music box. Regina returned her gaze back to her daughter who had moved from the chair and walked over to the child. A few words were passed between the two children and then the little girl opened her arms, clearly wanting a hug. After some apparent hesitation and to her surprise, Emma reached down and hugged the young girl. Willing physical affection with a stranger simply did not happen with Emma. A gift to be given and in this case a sweet one her daughter had worked up the courage to give all on her own.
Regina felt her heart swell. It was a moment she had been waiting for all day.
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"She was so happy! She really liked it." Emma was still buzzing about the party when they came into the house.
"Yes, she was. All the children had a really good time." Regina assured as she set down her purse and keys on the table by the front door.
Emma hurried up the stairs to her room, not even bothering to take off her coat. Regina was about to call after Emma when her cell phone rang. Letting her daughter go she answered as she finished sorting her things.
Once upstairs in her room Emma took the action figure out of the bag from under her coat. She stared at it sucking in her bottom lip again. She felt off just looking at it. Not ready to open it for a feeling she could not yet name she set it aside and pulled out the mini back pack from the bag next and ran her fingers over the crown design again. The pink leather was a little squished from being hidden under the car seat while she had been in the party. As she worked to smooth the wrinkles she began to think about what giving this to Jessica would mean on the first day back to school after winter break. Finally she and Ruby would be left alone. The teasing would stop and—
"Emma?"
The girl's heart leapt at the distant sound of her name. She quickly hid the items and bag in her closet before she went out into the hallway and gazed over the railing near the stairs.
Calling down. "Yeah?"
"I'm doing a load of laundry baby. Please toss me down your dress. The chocolate stain is on the hem right?"
Emma blinked once in confusion before shedding her coat. She then remembered that she had dripped some hot chocolate on her dress at the party. It was one of the few that she would willingly wear and a favorite that she didn't want stained. She pulled her dress up and over her head. "Yeah, thanks Mom." And tossed the dress over the rail. Regina caught the garment and disappeared down the hall.
Emma went back to her room and pulled on a pair of jeans and a blue sweater before going over to her closet, staring at the bag she had shoved between the mini dresser and the wall. Her stomach tightened all over again at what she had done.
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Regina hummed quietly to herself as she sorted the pile of laundry on top of the dryer. She added detergent to the filling washer at her side before rubbing a stain remover into the velvet of Emma's dress.
She then checked the dress pockets. They were more for design than function, but seeing as how Emma always forgot to empty her pockets Regina made a habit of it each time she did laundry. So she was not surprised to pull out a small crumpled piece of paper. Regina quickly noted it was a store receipt and was about to discard it when she saw the total purchase price in bold at the bottom.
"$70.00 for a music box…" Regina read aloud and then looked at the individual items that had been rung up. She didn't feel anger right away. Instead a heavy sadness weighed her heart when she saw the other items that had been purchased in secret that had not appeared under the tree at the party. "Oh, Emma." She dropped the dress in the washer and shut the lid before folding the paper and putting it in her pocket. She went back into the kitchen and called Mal to tell her that the tree decorating would have to be put off until a little later in the night.
"What are you going to do about it?" Mal asked, the concern obvious in her voice after Regina had told her what happened with Emma.
"I'm still thinking about that." There was only so much her usual methods of disciplining could teach her daughter. "And I'm upset for a few different reasons."
"Emma is an observant kid." Mal mused, thinking about how Emma was always watching and asking the why of things. "Is there a way you can show her why what she did was wrong?"
"I have a feeling there is more to it than just her buying things for herself. I need to talk to her first and see, but you might be onto something there." Getting an idea of how to approach this with Emma, Regina sighed. "I have an idea, but I'm not sure she will understand my reasoning behind it." Emma was used to direct discussions and specific redirection. Her idea would be more along the lines of Emma making the connections herself without her usual hand holding through working out tough feelings. Maybe, she thought, her daughter was ready for more of that independent approach.
"Don't underestimate her." Mal said. "She's a smart kid and very insightful. She just might surprise you. Anyway, I'll come by about 8:00 then. Don't worry about cooking; I'll pick up some dinner for us all along the way."
After she hung up, Regina paced the kitchen in thought. It took several minutes before she felt ready to go upstairs. She stopped short of rounding the corner to her daughter's room and took a long, deep breath before moving forward. She knocked twice on the open door and stepped into the room.
Regina found her daughter sitting at the desk drawing. Emma didn't look up from her work as Regina went over to the twin canopy bed and sat down on the end directly across from the desk. Coming right to the point she asked. "Emma, is there something you would like to tell me?" Nothing in her tone gave away her displeasure. Emma turned slightly in the desk chair to look over a shoulder.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"That's what I was wondering. Is there anything at all you can think of that I need to know about?" Regina crossed her arms in concern and leaned forward in her seat. Always she tried to give Emma a chance to tell her first if she discovered something her daughter had hidden.
Emma slowly began to feel her insides knot up again and turned fully around in her chair. She was no good at lying and wouldn't lie to her Mom directly. That was wrong and she knew that. But sometimes telling the whole truth when asked was hard to do so sometimes she kept it to herself. Her Mom knew that about her and seemed to know now that is what was happening. "Yes."
"That's a good start." Praise to encourage as Emma began to squirm. Regina waited and when nothing more was forth coming she prompted a bit more firmly. "I would very much like to hear it directly from you young lady."
At young lady Emma shot up out of her seat. Her Mom's eyes were full and cool, not soft and open as they usually were, but there was a question there waiting for an answer Emma was not sure how to give.
Regina looked away from her daughter for a moment and then gazed out the window at the overhanging gray clouds that threatened rain as she tried to find her center. She then looked over and studied the rows of books on the shelf. The antique snow globe Emma had begged to have last Christmas rested next to them acting as a bookend. On the shelf below, there was a line of marvel action figures set in various poses next to a thick stack of comics on the bottom of the bookcase.
"Do I ever deny you, within reason, something that you want?" Regina asked softly as she took in all the things Emma had in the room. When Emma didn't answer she continued. "Is there a reason, you feel like you can't be honest with me? That you feel like you have to go behind my back and use the money I gave you to buy a present for another child on yourself?"
That made Emma start. "I did what you told me to though. I bought a gift and I was gonna pay you back for the other stuff." That seemed to be the wrong answer to that question as both her Mom's brows shot up.
Regina pulled her eyes away from her daughter's things and back to the child in front of her. She struggled to see her daughter's logic and keep her voice steady as her upset finally began to surface. "I know I have taught you better than that."
Chewing her lower lip Emma ducked her chin. She was allowed to for a moment before being told to look up. But she didn't want to see the hard look of… What was that word, no—feeling? Then it hit her in the fullness of brown eyes; disappointment. She had caused that to be there in the eyes on her. Wrong, yes she knew it had been, but for her reason for one of the items she had felt okay about it somewhat at the time. She didn't think her Mom would understand that right now though and so she remained quiet under the scolding that commenced.
"I make it a point all the time to demonstrate to you how to be selfless. We donate clothes each year, you've come with me to the clinic, and we spent the better part of this week getting ready for the party today for those children." As she spoke Regina counted off each example on her fingers. Not even believing she had to have this talk with her daughter.
Emma's eyes widened at the tone she was under. She began to pick at the sleeve of her sweater before giving up and hugging her ribs. "I didn't think it was that bad. Honest, I didn't. She loved the music box I picked out and I really, really needed the back pack and I wanted…" Leaving out the action figure at the end. That is what she felt the worst about.
"You didn't think it was that bad." Regina slowly repeated the girl's words as she ran one hand through her long hair in disbelief missing the last part of her daughter's words in favor of thinking back to the talk they had had about gifts that morning. "You can't always have what you want Emma, especially at the expense of someone else. In this case that someone else was a child who is less fortunate than you. A lot of the children who come to the clinic have parents who struggle to put food on the table and clothes on their children's backs—" She stopped suddenly when fat, thick tears began dripping down her daughter's cheeks; like running wax when a candle flame burns too brightly.
"I didn't think about it like you said." Emma whispered. And she hadn't in that way at all.
Softening. "Maybe not how I said, but you were thinking. Your choice to buy and hide the backpack and toy was unacceptable and not at all what I expect from you." Regina corrected and held out her hand for Emma to take. The girl shuffled over. "And having consideration for others over yourself is something I have explicitly taught you numerous times."
"Mom, please, you don't have to." Emma whined.
"I think you demonstrated today that I do need to show you exactly what I mean to help you understand why I am upset with your choice. I also want to know why you bought and hid those things from me."
"I'll give them both back." Avoiding that last statement entirely.
"It's not that simple baby." Regina looked between green eyes that seemed to think it really was that simple. Emma needed to think before they talked further and did anything else. "I'm going to show you that in a little bit, but first I think you need some think time on exactly what we just talked about." Regina explained as she stood and led Emma by the hand to a bare corner of the room.
With her nose less than a few inches from the wall, the weight of Emma's actions came crashing down on her. She hated think time spent this way. It forced all her attention to the matter at hand; nothing to do, but stand and think. A minute passed as she did just that and thought about her actions of the day. Actions that made her stomach cramp and her eyes smart. She wanted to step out and not deal with this hard feeling, like she used to do when she was younger, but her Mom had always put her right back and the time would start all over again. Emma wondered if that would still be the case as she squirmed. She didn't realize it, but her feet inched backwards of their own accord.
"Do you want to start again?"
Freezing. "No."
"Then you stay right there and think about what I said."
"But Mooomm." Emma whined still facing the wall as she took a tiny step forward to where she had been. She felt tears prick her eyes again at the truth in her Mom's next words.
"You need a few quiet minutes to think about your feelings." Regina confirmed in her pacing and sat down on the bed to wait out the next nine minutes. She used that time to think through her decision. Her daughter shifted back and forth under her eye. Calling at the appointed time Emma shuffled back over to the bed.
After a moment Emma felt her Mom's hand gently running up and down the length of her back in a calming fashion sensing the hard question coming again.
"Why did you buy the backpack and action figure and hide it from me?"
And Emma's lips rolled in tight. It would be easy to come right out with it for her original reason. Her Mom would fix everything with Jessica, like always. But Emma still wanted to fix this problem herself and she thought more about just how her Mom would fix it for her and she shook her head no, not yet ready to share her reason. If she said why she got the backpack then her Mom would go to the school about Jessica or worse; call Jessica's mother herself. Emma was not sure how that would do any good but earn her more teasing from the girl at school. And Ruby would be teased again too. Her friend didn't deserve that.
The reason she had gotten the action figure was also one Emma was not ready to share yet. It meant she deserved the disappointment in brown eyes from earlier. Feeling the full weight of that right now as she was currently was almost too much.
Regina reached out then and lifted the Emma's chin. "Not yet then. That's okay for right now, but I will be asking you again a little later and I am expecting an answer." And standing, she gave directions. "I'll be downstairs making a phone call. I want you to get the things you bought and bring them with you. Put on your coat and meet me by the front door. Is that understood?"
Emma mumbled a reply, knowing better than to question her Mom's serious tone just then.
"That is not how you answer me when I ask you a question baby. Try again."
For the softness there Emma did. "Yes Mom." Emma recited as clearly as she could through her present sniffles.
"Good girl." With that said Regina gently ruffled her daughter's hair before she left the room.
Emma slowly went over to her closet and took out the bag. Holding it tightly to her stomach, she went into the hall where she had left her coat and slipped it on before she headed downstairs. Emma saw Regina by the door ending a conversation on her cell phone.
She was ushered outside and into the car. As they drove Emma thought more about what her Mom had said and watched the scenery changing out her window. Slowly her head cleared of these heavy feelings and she began to recognize the route they were on. Confused on why they might be going where she thought they were she asked. "Where are we going?"
"I think you already know that baby. I'll explain when we get there." Regina turned on the radio to an all Christmas song station and began to hum quietly to the tune of Winter Wonderland. Emma took the hint and remained quiet the rest of the drive.
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Emma pressed her face right up near the car window to better see the brick building from the other side in the dimming twilight. She knew the front of it by heart having been inside so many times, but not from this side. This side was new, but not new at the same time. There was a long line of people waiting outside the back door of the Children's Clinic.
Regina exited the car and came around to the back door and opened it. "Bring the bag with you please." She instructed when Emma started to scoot out of the car without it.
"But why are we here?" Emma gave pause as her Mom took both her arms gently and leaned down so that they were eye level.
"You are here to be reminded of something important. Something you seem to have forgotten. This is not a consequence, but an opportunity to reflect. For the next few hours I want your eyes and ears open. You are to follow any instructions given to you. Alright baby?" Regina accepted the nod and then took up Emma's hand and led her across the parking lot and through a side door marked Volunteers Only. A little bell jingled above as Regina turned to shut the door.
Emma was led into a small room where Regina signed them both in on a clipboard nailed on the wall. She huddled close to her Mom as they were greeted by none other than Nurse Ratchet. But the tall thin woman was not as Emma remembered her from this afternoon. Instead of blue scrubs she was wearing an apron that said Kiss The Cook on the front with a picture of mistletoe under it. Then Emma realized exactly where in the clinic they were; the kitchen of the café.
"Long time no see Dr. Mills." Nurse Ratchet joked. "And with Emma, how lovely."
Emma looked at the nurse in question and then back to her Mom.
"We're here to help with the service. First, though my daughter has a few things she would like to donate." At this Regina guided Emma forward.
The girl bit her lip nervously and pulled out the backpack and action figure that had caused her so much trouble. She was almost glad to be getting rid of both. At this point she'd figure out some other way with Ruby to keep Jessica off their backs. This feeling in her stomach and her Mom's eyes earlier, were not worth the way she had gone about trying to solve her own problem. Or the giving into her impulses as she was prone to doing and suddenly the action figure felt hot in her hand. She wanted it gone and the reminder of what meant.
Regina eyed the backpack in particular for a long moment, just now seeing it for the first time. Pink. To say Emma hated the color pink was an understatement. She wondered over the color choice and that only fueled her earlier suspicion that there was a lot more to this whole thing, as there usually was, with Emma.
"I'll take her to the donation room and we can meet you on the service line. If that's okay?" Nurse Ratchet asked.
Regina squeezed that hand in her own reassuringly and waited for Emma's quiet answer of a squeeze in return before she affirmed. "That's fine."
"Here's an apron. The others are just setting up and will help get you started."
"I remember where it is, thank you." Regina took off her coat and took the offered apron. As she tied it on she turned to Emma. "Go with Ms. Ratchet and make your donation. Remember what I told you outside and I'll see you in a minute."
Emma watched as Regina disappeared down the hall and suddenly she was left alone with this woman.
"I'll hold your things for you while to take off your coat. There's an apron on the hook there for you to put on." Ms. Ratchet said and pointed to where Regina had hung up her things. Emma slowly shed her coat and tied to the large apron best she could. She was handed a hair tie and stared at it until directed to pull her hair back in a ponytail.
Once she was deemed ready Emma followed the woman down the hall and through another door. The room was filled tons of shelves and bins. Along one wall there were racks of clothes all separated by gender and size. There were rows of shoes lined up against one wall, from the tiniest pair of baby shoes to the larger of children's sizes. As Emma took in the scope of the room the woman led her over to a large bin marked miscellaneous.
"You can put your donation here. Someone will be very happy to get that to use for school and the toy to play with."
Emma dropped both in the bin and with a long calculating look about the room followed out and across the hall to a larger open café she recognized. All around her people were cooking, laughing, and singing to the tune of the radio that played the same station Regina had been listening to in the car. Through the mixed crowd in cooking garb Emma quickly spotted Regina up front near a long table laid out with food. She watched from a distance as her Mom spooned casserole onto an elderly man's plate. The man tipped the rim of his hat before he proceeded down the line. Next to him a little girl wearing a gray sweatshirt who was clearly with the man held up a plate.
It hit Emma then what exactly this was. The people and who they were and why they were here. She felt more of that tightness pulling the inner walls of her stomach together and stepped backwards into the hall. Her mom had been right. She had forgotten. Gotten caught up in the season with her wants and needs and while buying the backpack had not been quite like that, it had still been about her when today should have been about others. And the toy had been about her for all the wrong reasons.
Selfish. That is the word Emma was feeling and it did not sit well with her at all.
Nurse Ratchet watched Emma digest her surroundings a moment before leaning down. "It's a little hard sometimes to see people who are hurting and hungry. But they are just like you and me. They all have families, friends, wants, and needs just like you do. Here, come on over to the dessert table. You can serve the cake. That's everyone's favorite part." She explained and showed Emma over to the end of the serving table.
Emma had to stand on a small stool to reach the passing people's dishes with her serving spatula. For the first hour she quietly dished up dessert onto countless plates. As she served she thought about how she had been acting lately, how these people might now have what she had; a warm bed and her Mom to go home with tonight, someone who loved her and had her best interests at heart. Who knew what situation these people had to call home, if any?
She didn't know it then, but Regina had been watching her closely, waiting patiently for something. Quietly tears slipped down Emma's cheeks as the weight of these thoughts thoroughly registered. She tried to blink back her tears and wiped at her eyes with her sleeve and still they kept coming.
Suddenly she felt an arm across her middle and found herself being lifted off of the stool. Her vision blurred and she was vaguely aware of being led into the quiet empty hallway. She wasn't fully aware of where she was only of a deep ache flaming up from her stomach and into her throat as her crying started and she began to let go of these feelings on her own. She felt herself being pulled up to sit on a warm lap and finally, her Mom's forgiving embrace, holding her close. In those arms, her tears came faster and the guilt behind them began to fade away.
"Do you understand now why I was upset with your choice earlier?" Regina asked softly as she leaned in and kissed her daughter's cheek.
Emma nodded. "I'm sorry Mom. I didn't get it before. I forgot." She buried her face in Regina chest.
The woman calmly patted the crying girl for a moment before pulling Emma back by the shoulders so she could look at her daughter's face. Those green eyes were downcast even as Regina cupped a chin, lifting up. "Look up at me please baby."
Slowly Emma lifted her watery eyes. "I didn't mean to be selfish." Regina searched her then for a long moment before speaking.
"I didn't give you think time earlier because you are selfish. You are not a selfish person Emma. You are a very giving and kind hearted girl. Earlier today at the party I think you felt some of what that felt like to put someone else first before yourself when you gave the little girl a hug. I know how affection like that can be hard for you, but you worked through your feelings, setting them aside, to do something kind for someone else." She watched Emma digest her words and getting a nod of understanding, she continued. "Today you also made a choice to hide a purchase from me you did not have permission to get and on a day that was supposed to be about helping others." Thinking about the action figure in particular. "You needed to be reminded about what I've taught you."
"I messed up." Admitting it and dealing with it were two hard things for Emma.
Nodding. "Sometimes you will make mistakes and that's okay because we can learn from them and I am here to help you with that. I think you needed an eye opener today. That's why I brought you here to do this. To help your remember." Regina explained, as she tucked some stray curls behind Emma's ear.
Emma coughed to clear her throat. "I get it now. I'm really sorry Mom."
"I believe you." Regina assured and wiped at the tears on her daughter's cheeks with her fingertips. "I think I understand about the action figure, but I want to know about the backpack and why you hid it from me. It wasn't for you was it? Like the action figure was."
"No it wasn't." Emma then started to explain her reasoning including her fears about her Mom getting involved with the whole Jessica situation on her behalf. Regina listened quietly, asking the occasional clarifying question until it was all out in the open. That weight coming off made it feel like she could breathe again and she leaned back against her Mom, tired now from holding it in for so long.
Regina felt her stomach flip hearing her baby was being teased so relentlessly. And suddenly Emma's words from earlier made sense in their discussion and the want of going to Ruby's today. Heart in the right place as she suspected of her daughter, but once again the way Emma had gone about it was what needed to be addressed. Still, Emma was sharing her feelings and was able to let go of them with words. It was progress indeed.
They had dealt with this girl more than once in a roundabout way. Now Regina intended to do something about it, but Emma's worry over even more teasing from her involvement had her thinking before she spoke. It was important to her daughter that this be handled independently—at least somewhat. There used to be a time when Emma could not do this, was not able to clearly communicate things that were wrong. They had worked hard to foster this kind of independence her daughter was trying to show and she wanted to encourage that. "How do you feel about going to your principal with me with you, but you explain why we are there?"
Emma thought about that idea. "I get to talk?"
"If you'd like. That way you are handling it, but I will be there as a support. If you need me."
"I need to talk to Ruby... Maybe she and I can do it together with you and Granny there. Just in case." Emma sat back in her Mom's arms as they further talked out the details. Emma would call Ruby tomorrow and share her idea and see about going to talk the first day back from break.
With that plan in place Regina gave a kiss to the top of Emma's head. "Shall we go back in there and finish what we started?"
Emma wiped her eyes one more time on the hem of her apron and got up off of her Mom's lap. "I want to come and do this again. Can we?" Regina smiled with a nod and stood; offering Emma her hand. Together, with lighter hearts, they went back into the café and to their places in the service line.
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The house was cool and quiet as Emma crept down the carpeted stairs Christmas Eve night. The clock on the wall of the living room chimed its midnight song as the Emma's bare feet carefully descended the steps to avoid all the known squeaks in the floorboards. The girl shivered and drew her baby blanket around her shoulders as she stopped in the middle of the stairwell and sat down on the step with Henry Bear in her lap.
From her view through the banister rails wound in garland she could see the last sparks from the hot coals dying down in the fireplace. The glow seemed to cast a red edge around the bottom of the Christmas tree. Emma watched as the flickering red and green lights danced with each other among the ornaments, tinsel, and popcorn strings.
Her stocking hung by the fireplace with a crudely stitched `J' on the front in red felt; the one she had made in 3rd grade. There was a wide green velvet tree skirt around the rim of the tree filled with wrapped presents. Some had huge, elaborate bows wrapped in gold and silver paper, and others in patterns of the season. All of them, she knew, were for her except for the one she had put under the tree before going to bed. That special one was for her Mom and the ones for her she did not feel so deserving of, even after their talk a few days ago at the clinic.
Emma shifted her hips, as she watched the tree lights. She had been doing a lot of thinking lately, especially since Mal had become more a part of their lives. Never in her mind had she ever considered the question that had been rolling through her head as of late. But it had been there brewing since April. Since her Grandmother had taken her to the café for ice cream and to drill her for information about her Mom. She had not known it then, but now she understood what that set up had been about. Her Mom had helped her to see what she had been unable to at the time.
Her Grandmother had begun their conversation with a statement that had made a question take root. One that in the moment Emma had let pass, but more and more it began to grow. The more she learned about her Mom's past the more she yearned to know about her own and one person in particular that her Grandmother had said she looked an 'awful lot alike.' It had been said in a way that Emma knew was not complementary, but rather matter of fact. As far as she was concerned she looked like no one but herself, but the sharp old woman had seemed to think differently. Then Emma had begun to wonder.
Officially Christmas since the clock had chimed a few minutes ago she wanted to ask her Mom for one thing, but worried she had already asked for far too much lately. This question had not mattered before, but now it did and she was only sure partly of why.
Emma leaned forward resting her chin on her knees. That confusion and her actions before their talk had kept her from sleeping. As the memory of their talk and the lesson remembered faded from her mind Emma noticed that the coals in the fireplace had all gone black. The only light came from the tree. She then envisioned her Mom, Mal, and herself all decorating the tree after they had gotten home from the clinic. She recalled how Mal kept eating the popcorn she had begun to string for the tree, which resulted in a popcorn fight in the living room. Emma smiled to herself at the memory of her Mom's face, pink with shock at the mess, before she had joined in the fight. Somehow though, through their silliness they had gotten the tree decorated and the mess cleaned up.
During that activity Emma remembered feeling something she had never felt before, a feeling her Mom had one described to her as a sense of wholeness. That feeling dwindled somewhat when Mal had gone home that night. She wondered then as she continued to look at the tree, what her life would be like if that were her everyday reality; if Mal lived there with them and every night they had dinner and talked about their day and on holidays did things like any other family. She wondered what it would feel like to wake up in the morning and see Mal downstairs drinking coffee or watching the news with her Mom each evening. All these questions had her head buzzing and she felt dizzy thinking about all the possibilities of a future together.
Maybe it would happen.
What if she asked for it and let her Mom know it was alright with her; if Mal became a permanent part of their life? They would be more like other families then. That thought made her once again ponder the other big question she wanted to ask about family; who her dad was.
Emma had no idea. That part of her birth certificate had been left blank. She knew because her Mom showed it to her after she was adopted and her last name changed from West to Mills. Her Ma had never said and back then when she was little her Ma had a few boyfriends she only vaguely remembered. Most had ignored her like she had ignored them except for one. He hadn't ignored her at all. Had hurt her the same day her Ma had taken her here and she was left on the doorstep. Emma had never thought to ask who her dad was. It hadn't mattered then. But now it did and for a reason she was still trying to figure out…
"It's a little late to be waiting up for Santa."
Her Mom's words, soft and teasing, made Emma turn her head. She saw her Mom descending the stairs behind her while tying the sash on a silk bath robe. Regina stopped and sat down next to her on the step. An arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her in close. Together they watched the lights in silence. And she gained the confidence to ask for what she wanted.
"Mom?"
"What baby?"
"I thought of something else I want for Christmas?" The question about Mal ready behind her lips.
Regina gave the girl a gentle squeeze and leaned down to kiss her cheek. "And what's that baby?"
Just then, with her Mom's eyes upon her, Emma couldn't bring herself to ask for this new secret desire. Yet. There was still something else unsettled in her. Something still lurked deep inside that she had never, ever mentioned to her Mom. That needed to come first she decided. There were still too many questions surrounding the idea of Mal moving in clouding her thoughts. After all, Regina always said to be careful what you wish for. This advice, Emma suddenly decided, might be worth heeding for a bit longer.
Her lips parted to ask about her dad and then suddenly the words wouldn't come out—stuck as they often became when they mattered so much. Frustrated she sighed. "It's nothing." Emma said instead to recover. And it was said too quickly and lightly that her Mom tilted her head in a way Emma had come to learn meant concern. She squirmed out from under her Mom's arms and tried to hurry up the stairs.
Regina stood and caught her daughter around the waist and pulled the girl back down to sit on her lap. "Not so fast baby." She began and wrapped both arms securely around her child. "You can tell me. What is it that you want?"
Emma bit her lip and mumbled something.
"A little louder."
Trying to begin a different way. "Do you remember when Grandma came to your work?" Emma murmured, and felt her Mom's hand begin to rub her back.
A nod. "I do."
"Before you found us in the cafeteria, she started to tell me some stuff."
"What did she say to you?"
"She started to talk about my dad and it got me wondering..."
"Ah, I see." Regina felt her heart skip and throat constrict at the very mention of that man. She knew right where this conversation was going. She swallowed and did her best to keep her voice light on a subject that was very uncomfortable for her. "Well, what do you want to know?" Then regretted that question instantly. The truth being that she only some facts, but she quickly realized she was not ready to share how she knew who Emma's father was, those facts, or his name. Not yet.
"No Mom, not that. I mean I have questions, but I want… I want you to find him, so I can meet him."
Emma's words felt like a cold slap; loud and vibrating against Regina's ear. She hadn't expected that right off the bat, maybe a few questions, but not a request for a face to face meeting. This conversation was inevitable in coming up one day. She knew that, but thought she would have more time somehow. She needed time before she could go there. "No." The word was out before she could catch it. Spoken low and sharp and with a great deal of disgust.
Emma wrinkled her brow, not expecting that reply. Nor the strong emotion behind it and she turned suddenly to look up at her Mom. "Huh?"
"I'll try to answer some other questions you have, as best I can, but…." Regina sighed, feeling the beginning of a migraine coming on as her heart pounded against her temples. She couldn't do this right now. Have this triggering talk, especially at night. She lifted Emma up off her lap as she stood. "Right now it is time for bed."
"But Mom. Why not?"
Regina placed a finger to her daughter's lips. "Up to bed. It's late." The conversation with Emma had unnerved her and she knew that she'd have a great deal of trouble going back to sleep. He was the reason for too many parts of her life she had put the brakes on and the ritual she followed each night before she could sleep soundly.
Emma stared up at Regina, trying to decide if she wanted to push the issue further just then. As she studied those eyes she saw the briefest hint of… worry or fear or pain flash across brown eyes. She wasn't sure which and suspected it might be a mix of all of them. Emma let her mouth slack in wonder. Slowly she forced her legs to move upwards. Her Mom followed her back up to her room. Emma quietly slid beneath the cool sheets and watched as the covers were tucked the covers around her.
Regina eyed that want in green eyes. "Now is not the time baby."
"Just tell me why. Please?" Emma whispered, begging for some kind of clarity about a part of her past she knew so little about and was confused on why her Mom wasn't explaining.
Regina leaned over and kissed her daughter's cheek and rubbed the spot gently in soothing circles where her lips had been. Searching green eyes she asked the question she knew Emma understood to let things be for now. "Do you trust me?"
"Yes." Emma replied automatically and without any hesitation.
Regina nodded, satisfied. "Then I will tell you when I am ready. For now don't fight me on this." She turned off the light and on the nightlight Emma still insisted on before she left the room.
And, like she did every night before she went to sleep, Regina checked every door to be sure it was locked up tight even though she had just done so some hours beforehand. She double checked the house alarm and made sure she had her cell phone by her bed. As she slipped beneath the blankets and turned off her lamp she laid in the dark with Emma's request on loop in her mind.
The why of her daughter's question did not have a simple answer, but one she knew was up to her to provide. How and when was what she needed some time to figure out. Regina turned over on her side and then tossed back to the other in thought about what she knew to be true.
She knew all too well what it felt like to have someone steal into your home in the middle of the night. She knew what it felt like to look at her bedroom doorway and into the eyes of someone she recognized, someone who had already made himself known as a threat simply by a lingering stare. On that night when she first knew these things Regina had learned the hard way the exact moment it is too late to scream.
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A/N - Cliff hanger I know…. But answers next chapter along with another time jump.
Next time – Emma becomes more independent in order to get an answer to her question. Regina learns to face a fear and work through a part of her past when Mal reminds her of a promise made.