A/N: I know I'm a week late! Eek!
This chapter is UNEDITED. I'm under the gun for school right now. I know it's not a very good excuse, but it was either this or not writing the chapter for another couple of days. So, please, excuse me this once! :)
Also, thanks to everyone who reviewed! You guys seriously make me smile some really big smiles. And some of you are hilarious little buggers! ;)
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(Olivia Lennox)
My life is upside down. It was as if I just did the "Time Warp" and ended up at Dr. Frank-N-Furter's castle... Only instead of it being Dr. Frank-N-Furter, it was Viola dressed up as Sebastian... My Sebastian. I walked in with sound sexual orientation, and after a series of crazy and unforeseeable events, was now questioning that so-called "sound" sexual orientation, much like Brad and Janet experienced a sexual awakening while in the presence of the Scientist.
What the fuck kind of metaphor was that?
Hey now! I said my life was upside down! And besides, don't tell me RHPS isn't cool!
Besides the point, but that's a given. However, the real question is whether you willingly enter any sort of "Time Warp" again...
"No..." I whispered flatly to myself as I looked up at my unmoving ceiling fan. "No, I'm not going to answer that now."
Why not?
"Because it's too soon, that's why!" I replied coyly. But who was I fooling? Myself? Yeah... right.
Why was I so afraid to like Viola? It wasn't as if I never thought another girl was hot... Hell, I thought that just by scrolling down through my favorite gossip site everyday. But that was different, wasn't it? It's easier to admit someone was beautiful of the same sex. But wanting to kiss them and possibly do more with them? That's a completely different issue in and of itself.
To like someone of the same sex is natural.
I know that. Hell, I've always considered myself a gay rights advocate. But...
But?
"Just forget it!" I practically shouted at myself as I kicked my bed's comforter off of me. The frustration of all this inner self vs. self debating was making me feel like I was about to catch on fire.
What's so wrong with being, at the most, bisexual?
Nothing, if I'm talking about someone else being bisexual! I'm Olivia Lennox! I'm not supposed to feel this way about a girl! I'm supposed to only like boys. I'm supposed to... supposed to... be... to not be this way!
And so the truth was finally exposed, the vile and self-loathing truth that it was. I felt tears begin to sting my eyes. This was all too much; it was all too fast; and I wasn't ready to even begin to comprehend what was being discovered within the complex mystery of myself at the moment. How was I able to cope with something I never dreamed would be attached to me, like credentials? Maybe Eunice... But not me. I wasn't ready for 'Olivia Lennox: the girl who used to think she was straight, but was actually bisexual'.
You sound so bitchy and pathetic right now.
Shut up!
Just watch "But I'm a Cheerleader!" and get over yourself.
This reference stopped my train of thoughts-related-to-rebutting immediately. "How do I even know about that movie?"
Believe me, honey. You started it by bringing up RHPS -- one of the most gay-friendly films in the universe!
"This can't be happening. I mean, I'm obviously confused, but not sexually confused... Right?" I whispered to no one in particular, not even to myself. I was completely ignoring the cheeky snipe my other half shot at me. "I fell for Sebastian, the boy... Not Viola, the girl."
Wouldn't she be 'the boy' too if we're basing our line of thought on technicalities here? She did create this boy you fell for. She may not have advertised herself in a completely honest way... But you fell for the guy because of his personality, not because he was a guy. Ergo, the personality is the most influential and important factor in all of this 'liking'.
Deep down, I knew this was true, and it scared me beyond belief. And could you blame me? I'm completely out of my depth confronting some serious questions about my identity! I've seen myself as this one way since practically forever, or at least for the better part of my seventeen years (the part when one's sexuality was beginning to become part of how they see and relate to the world). And now... just because this one amazing person, who elaborately and mercilessly hoodwinked me, pulls back this invisible veil a little, forcing me to be awake at 2:37 AM to think about me and where I stand with myself... It's some heavy shit, man.
Sitting up slowly in my bed, I looked at myself in the mirror on my dresser. I looked past all of the physical attributes and meticulously judged my character. While I was showing a rather shaky resilience at the moment, I knew past the shock, past the confusion, there was a strength more powerful than the uneasiness I was feeling. That I could handle whatever truths about myself, no matter the timing or the matter in which they came up. That down the line, whether I come to terms to being straight, gay, bisexual, try-sexual, or just a girl who goes after the person and not the sex... I knew I'd be okay. I could trust in that.
Was I still confused and pissed as hell now that this could even be happening right now? Yes. But there's never a good time for this sort of honesty time, or what I'm now going to call the 'I think we, as in Me, Myself, and I, should have a talk' time. No one likes those discussions... Because the truth or the path to accepting it hurts, a lot.
At that moment, my phone's text message jingle went off.
"Oh fuck... Reality," I huffed to myself as I slumped back down on my bed. "I don't have the will to get up right now."
I looked back over at the clock on my night stand. It was 2:45 AM. "Who in the world is texting me right now anyway?" Even though curiosity killed the cat, I knew I would probably be safe in this particular situation to let curiosity override my general tiredness.
Walking over to my phone, I picked it up off the dresser. Clicking the side button to reawaken my phone, I saw that it was Maria.
Suddenly, it hit me... Maria must've been worried sick. I had been ignoring my phone completely since getting home. I looked through all of my unopened texts, and they all were from my best friend.
Fuck! She must be thinking about calling the police right now.
When I thought this, I read the text she'd just sent me: "I'm going to call the cops and your parents soon if you don't give me some sign that you are, in fact, alive."
Feeling a little guilty, I quickly typed out a text in response, which read: "Hey Maria. I'm alive. Sorry, I came home after school and I've been completely ignoring my phone. You don't need to call the Popo."
It hadn't even been thirty seconds after sending my text, Maria replied back: "Thank goodness! I wish you would've told me this sooner. But I'm guessing you're talk with Sebastian didn't go well then?"
I sighed. "Oh Maria... Always the questioner!" I definitely wasn't going to tell Maria anything Viola told me. In my mind, telling Maria that Sebastian wasn't Sebastian, but a girl named Viola wasn't my right. And while I was paying more mind to Viola's feelings than she had to mine, I knew keeping her secret was the right thing to do.
"To be honest, I don't want to talk about it. Not now... Probably not for a while." I responded back.
I knew that Maria would let that particular question slide for now, but she would have ten more lined up in hopes of getting some sort of grasp on the situation I was unusually mum about. So I knew I wasn't going to be getting away from her texts for awhile, so I decided to get on the computer to help pass the time. Maybe a little gossip, maybe some real news...
I turned on my computer. It had been a while I had used this one since I was rarely ever home. My background was of Maria and I making silly faces from our junior year. Seeing this picture made me smile a bit.
My phone played the little jingle again. "How are you feeling then?" Maria asked.
I opened a web browser before I replied. "Eh, not feeling all that great, but I'm trying to deal with it."
Out of habit, I went to my email and looked through the new messages I had received. Most of them were just random alert messages, telling me So-and-So had sent me a such-and-such on a certain social networking site. But one of the new emails stuck out to me. It's title said nothing more than 'I'm sorry, Olivia'. Without even thinking for a second, I clicked on the email.
The message read as:
Hey Olivia,
Please download the video I have attached to this email. I hope it explains why I did the things I did.
I'm sorry.
--Viola
My phone made it's little jingle, but I didn't pay any attention to it. I was too busy debating whether or not I wanted to download and watch whatever Viola sent me.On one hand, I really wanted to have a better explanation than what I got. But, on the other hand, I still felt hurt and bitter and angry and... confused about everything she did to me. I didn't want to really look at her, or hear her voice, or listen to her explanations.
What's the harm in watching it?
Curiosity did kill the cat, my friend.
You didn't think so earlier...
Hesitantly, I clicked on the attachment. It began to download immediately, more quickly than I had hoped it would. I didn't know exactly if I was really ready for a video message from the girl that turned my life upside down as if it was nothing at all to her.
As soon as the video was done downloading, my computer started to play it.
"Thanks for asking my permission, computer." I hissed lowly.
Viola's face appeared on my screen. She didn't look so different from Sebastian. She had longer hair, of course, and less bushy brows... But mostly like Sebastian. The same expressive eyes and goofy smile, except here the smile was nonexistent. I could tell by the way her brows were slightly furrowed and the way her eyes were saying 'sorry' with the utmost sincerity that she was serious.
"Hey," she let out meekly as she unsurely looked into her webcam. "I'm guessing you're probably wondering why I'm even sending you this, especially since it's only been a couple of hours since I dropped one hell of a bombshell on you."
Yep... My thoughts exactly.
"It's not because I'm a creeper or anything, though I'm sure you think I am one, but that's not why I'm doing this... Stay focused, Vi," she whispered to herself nervously. Viola let out an anxious breath, obviously trying to calm her jitters.
"Um, I'm doing this video thing so I can explain myself better since I did a really shitty job earlier today," Viola said as she finally got back on track.
I let out a hollow laugh. "I don't think you need to explain yourself anymore. I know exactly what happened. You dressed up like a boy, made me fall for you, and then -- oh look-y there -- you turn out to be a girl. See? Story explained."
As if on cue, Viola continued, "And I'm sure you think that this is overkill since you probably have quite a good grasp on the situation. But... There are some things I wasn't able to say. So yeah."
Riiight.
Hey, Negative Nancy, sit down and shut the fuck up. I'm trying to comprehend what's going here. KTHXBYE.
"When I decided to pretend to be my brother in order to prove to everyone on the Cornwall boys' team that girls could play soccer with the big boys, I was only thinking about that."
"You don't say!" I let out sarcastically.
"And I know that that was my first mistake. I didn't think about anyone here at Illyria. I only thought about my life at Cornwall and how I was sticking it to those idiots once I kicked their asses out on the field." Viola wasn't really looking at her webcam as she recounted this. Instead, she was pointedly avoiding it, but every now and then she would chance a glance up at it. When she did, I couldn't help but feel a little ashamed of my bitter anger because I saw how frightened she looked.
She cleared her throat, "I didn't really come to Illyria for any other reason. Just for soccer. However, after many, many," Viola paused here and made a wild motion with her hands, "crazy and ridiculous acts of coolness, I began to make friends." Her personality was starting to overcome her anxiousness. She had some animation in her familiar green eyes for a minute. She reminded me so much of Sebastian then. But as soon as that vivacity came over her, it left. Apprehension reemerged. "Most of them were on the soccer field, so I still felt okay. I was in my soccer bubble. I didn't have to worry about anything or anyone else... Until you came into the picture."
My ears began to ring. My heart began to quicken. Hell, even my mouth went a little dry. Why did I have these reactions when I knew 'us' would come up? I have no idea. Maybe it was because watching her talk about it through such a detached medium caused me to forget a little about reality. I have no idea. It just did. I can't explain it.
"You... Olivia, you were not part of my plan." She looked directly at the webcam in that instant. "You didn't fit into this outrageous, underdog plot I was setting up for myself. But, for some reason, I couldn't help falling for you."
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat that had shown up out of nowhere, but couldn't.
"I knew it was selfish and really, really horrible of me, but I just wasn't thinking in terms of the future. I guess, I was starting to just live in the moment. The lines of my goal and my actual yet fake life as Sebastian were starting blur... because of you."
But that doesn't mean you can just get away with murder.
"And, I know that doesn't explain away my actions." Viola put simply and earnestly.
Didn't see that one coming, did you?
Oh, shut up...
Viola let out a sad sigh before trudging on. "Olivia, I know apologies only go so far. But that's all I really have. I'm sorry. I did an incredibly selfish thing. I lied to you, and I'm pretty sure I gave you one hell of a mindfuck. And I'm so, so sorry for that. But you have to understand that, even though this may gross you out, I did and... do really like you. I know you probably don't even want to look or think about me. I totally can't blame you for that."
My heart dropped when she said this. It would've been easier for her to say that she had gotten caught up in the lie she had created and that she never had feelings for me. Then we both could just write this entire thing off as one big fucking joke. But she didn't. And, in that moment, I didn't know if I could either...
"I don't know what I am going to do now," Viola whispered shakily. Tears began to fall from her eyes. I couldn't help but feel badly for her. "I, ugh," she started on slowly as she wiped away the tears all while avoiding to look at the webcam again. "I know what I should do, and that's to come clean to everyone. Take all of the shit I deserve without saying a word in my defense... But that's kinda scary."
Viola was in an even worse predicament than me. Not only would two towns see her as a freak for cross-dressing for this amount of time, but everyone she became friends in the meantime would feel exactly like I did, sans the whole romantic strings. She was going to get a lot of shit. Unlike her, I could write off my crush... I could play the victim. But her... She was going to be the monster, the freak, the queer. None of which she could erase because no one would be willing to see past the charade she put on.
But then Viola did something so beautiful, unexpected, and powerful: she smiled bravely through her tears. She accepted her fate. I couldn't help but be filled with awe. "But... I've made my bed, I guessing I gotta lie in it," she proclaimed before a quizzical look came over her face. "I never really understood that expression." She let out a laugh.
I couldn't help but letting a laugh out either.
Viola looked much more comfortable after she laughed. It must've released some of the tension. "Well, I don't know what else to say, and I don't really know if I really said everything I wanted to say. Just know one thing: You are amazing, Olivia Lennox. If you never talked to me again, I'd be okay with that. I'd be happy remembering the few weeks I had you in my life. And with that, I guess I'll end this vid." Viola sat up and moved her hand toward the mouse and waved goodbye before the screen went blank.
I felt a little overwhelmed, but not terribly so. I was still able to comprehend exactly what was running through my head, albeit at a fast pace.
Was I really that shocked how tender and heart-wrenchingly honest Viola was? No... Not really if I'm being honest with myself. Was I surprised how closely she reminded me of Sebastian personality-wise? No... I mean, there was a part of me that always knew she would be the same adorably goofy person I had come to know. But was I surprised she actually liked me? Yes. I know, I know. How could I be? I had seen the fire in her eyes when she looked at me, even if she was dressed up like a boy. It wasn't as if she could just put on a boy's uniform and lead a completely separate life away from her true feelings. No one could do that.
So the big question that began to weigh heavily on my mind was... Did I like her?
Of course you do.
Let me rephrase. Was I ready to like Viola?
...
That's what I thought.
I didn't know.
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A/N: I know it's not a long chapter. But it's longer than my last chapter! So that's a small victory, right? LOL.
Anyways, I would like to thank everyone again for reviewing! I love reading what y'all have to say. It's a treat. I know I'm extremely lucky to get the amount that I do. I know that there are many other authors out there that don't get much love at all, so I really do appreciate the support I get from you guys.
This is probably the first chapter in a long time that I had to draw from some of my personal experiences... Be it through what I've said to people or what people have said to me, with coming to terms of my sexual orientation and the confusing and crazy that time was, and just feeling conflicted. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope it feels authentic, the way Olivia questions and battles with herself (even if she's kind of processing everything more quickly than one would in real life).
Also, this is the first chapter in a long time written from only one of the character's POVs. I don't think this has happened since the first chapter of the story. So I'm sorry if y'all were hoping for some Viola. She'll definitely be in the next chapter!
Like I said earlier... This chapter is NOT EDITED. Please forgive me for this. But I really must start working on my Emerson and Thoreau readings!
Please tell me what you thought of this chapter! I'm actually kind of nervous about it, haha!