Warning: Alright, I'd really rather not have to put a warning on a story that's typically just for humor and a good few laughs, but it seems I must. If there is any reason as to why this story or any of my others bother you, I am not forcing you to read it. Any who were looking for full blown out romance between Winry and Edward in this story are kind of looking in the wrong place. If that's what you seek, I urge you to read 'Behind White Walls'. This story mainly revolves around Edward's sarcasm. Thank you! I'm not trying to come off rude, but I feel I should I should at least explain.

Remember awhile back I had been dreading the day my daughter would hit true puberty and become in dire need for 'woman products'? Well, it obviously hasn't come yet, because Emily is still just a simple two year old. If she did at this age, I would be rather disturbed.

But still, I forgot to take into consideration that I do have another female living in the same household as myself, who does have that 'time of month'. However, I never pegged her for being one to shame me by making my sorry ass step out of our house to retrieve those strange feminine products. It's humiliating for a man to go sauntering around an aisle that's clearly meant for women. And sure, it's easy to say that people can get the gist and piece together that the said man is most likely getting something for his wife, girlfriend, or daughter… but it doesn't stop the chortles and rude snickering and stares while you shop.

It's hard enough trying to differentiate between the countless shelves of fluffy packages and boxes that are repetitively reading something along the lines of 'Strawberry scented' or 'heavy absorption'; yet you also have to deal with jerks passing by and muttering under their breath about how 'uncommon' it is to see a man wandering around such an area meant for women. I'm sure there are plenty of ladies who make their husbands go take a trip to the store to bring home the things they need to carry on through their... cycle. Yet the stares continue as though it's the strangest thing in the world.

Now then, since you all are most likely getting the point I'm trying to make, I'll continue. To be blunt, Winry is currently immobilized with the pain that a good portion of you women feel when nearing that 'time of month' as you say. And because my darling wife lacked the responsibility of remembering to buy what she needed ahead of time, she decided to dump the chore on me. And it's not like I understand any of the strange female lingo that goes along with buying such things. Still… I love her so I did attempt to understand.

I failed… but it was an attempt no less.

"It's with the wings, Edward. Get the box that says it has wings."

"Wings? Wha-"

"And extra protection and padding."

"Paddi-huh?"

"Would it help if I wrote it down?"

"Not really, no."

"Would it help if I told you to just get a different type?"

"Um…no."

"Oh for god's sake, Edward."

"Why can't you just come with me?"

"Because…"

"Because…?"

"I have cramps."

What in the hell does wings have to do with a woman's menstrual cycle?! Winry tried again and again to explain it to me, but I just don't understand. And if you would even suggest I was ever in the bathroom with her while she ever… fixed all of that up, you're sadly mistaken. I never had the courage. You all can nag at me all you want and tell me that it would only be natural to start seeing the work of Mother Nature, but I'll have you know I saw plenty of her work when it came to the birth of Emily. I don't need to see anymore of it.

However, because I actually am a loving husband, albeit sarcastic, I did end up going down to that store to go get those things for her. I even brought Emily along with me so I wouldn't feel so awkward. It turns out that was probably the biggest mistake I ever made.

The walk down the street was no trouble at all, and I got enough cooing from nearby neighbors to last me a lifetime. It somehow still seems fascinating to people when they see someone like me walking down the sidewalk with a two year old holding my hand and calling me 'dada'. I still get teased ever so often about it. But it's preferable over the short jokes.

Now despite telling Winry that writing down what she needed would do little to help me, I had her do it in the end anyways, if only for memory purposes. I wasn't promising to bring back exactly what she wanted, but if I at least had the name and vague description, I figured my chances of returning with something similarly close would be high. Her woman products weren't the only things I was supposed to be picking up. The few items she claimed she needed turned out to be quite a long list by the time I received it. And a good deal of it had nothing to do with that cycle of hers.

It was my assumption that women usually liked to shop for their own things, but I'm presumably wrong when it comes to Winry. Her cramps must have been 'Grade A' pain, or she just really trusted me enough to bring home all of the proper things. I'll make an educational guess and say it was the cramps.

Anyways, because I am prone to procrastination, I decided that the very first thing on the list could be the last. It was the main reason I was in the store, but I figured that either way it was going to be finding itself in the shopping cart in the end regardless. But the less time it was seen in view with myself, the better.

Instead, I moved on to the other myriad of things that my wife instructed me to buy- all the while, bringing my bouncy daughter right alongside me. The list personally seemed overwhelming to me, but I suppose seeing through a woman's eyes, it wouldn't be so much. My thoughts on this would have been different if I was supposed to have picked up some lab equipment or something- I tend to get excited when I am confronted with anything that has to do with science. And I don't care if you all think that's a geeky quality either.

Well, okay… the second thing on the list was lipstick. Winry is never usually one to wear this stuff, but she is the type to have it in handy in case some formal event comes sneaking up behind the corner. I had figured that picking out a tube of lipstick given the name, 'Sugar Sugar' would be easy enough…

Until I got into the aisle.

I had been under the impression that the female hygiene aisle was the only area I should really be cautious of inside of a store. I'm starting to learn that any aisle with womanly things within it is a danger zone and a big pain in the ass to hang around. I'm certain women could camp out in these particular places and stay happy for a good couple of weeks, but when it comes to men, it's not the same story.

You can't possibly imagine how I felt being surrounded by a rush of 'pretty' colors when I stepped through there. Emily seemed to like it, and convinced herself that we had stepped into 'The Land of Rainbows'.

Rainbows my ass…

This was 'The Land of Tutti Fruity Hell'.

I had believed that Winry's lipstick name was ridiculous enough, but the more I started to look around at the other ones, I found myself believing that my wife's was the only reasonable one among them.

-'Tickle Me Pink'

-'Bubblegum Kiss'

-'Ice Princess'

-'Spicy Lips'

- 'Heart Attack'

-'Powderpuff'

I believe those were the tolerable ones. And despite seeing almost every other ridiculous shade of lipstick, I was having the hardest time finding the one specifically for Winry, but I refused to ask for help. Instead, I decided to let Emily pick out a color. I told her to choose one that she felt would look nice on 'mommy'. She ended up picking out something called 'Cocoa Melt'. It sounded girly enough, so I threw it in the cart and went onto the next thing on the list.

Shampoo.

This was something I felt I could appreciate. I really kind of like the smell of Winry's hair, so I felt more accepting and open when it came to snagging that item off of the shelf. In fact, I somehow got carried away and started to think a little more on the selfish side. I figured if one bottle of shampoo for women smelled good, I was sure that there were many others. And since I wasn't patient enough to just try and test them out, I decided to throw a group of them all in the cart and be done with it. I even got Emily to toss a few inside.

A year supply of shampoo- Winry would be thrilled.

So I traveled through the store with my daughter seeking out the other strange items on the list that ranged from food to cosmetics and medication.

Choosing the medication ended up being my stopping point to where I just had to ask for help. I wasn't sure if there was supposed to be some sort of special concoction that was made to specially treat those pains that my wife complained about. Winry didn't give me any specification for her medicine, but just begged me to go get some. So I was stuck having to scope out some employee roaming around.

Needless to say, I think the man probably felt I was some sort of psychotic kidnapper with a mini sidekick. I guess anyone would get suspicious if they saw a cart full of shampoo, cosmetics, food, and now medication.

Obviously, I'm some lunatic who holds women captive in my living room and goes on weekly shopping trips to buy their basic needs.

Obviously, I am some criminal mastermind who also loves to pull around a two year old in an attempt to appear more casual. I just love women so much, I have to keep them prisoners in my house and perform alchemic experiments on them…just because I can.

Give me a break… That speech right up there belongs to Mustang.

So after grabbing ahold of the box of pills, I decided to bother the man more for some sleeping medication. I thought I was trying to be nice, considering that the best way to get rid of pain is sleep it off. I was already imagining how happy Winry was going to be. Nice lipstick, a bunch of shampoo, delicious food, and some good medicine to help her relax. I figured what more could a woman ask for?

The employee continued to stare at me like I was nuts, but it's not like he knew the problem- Even though he should have, because I explained my reasoning to him. But ignoring him, I moved on to the last thing on my list…

Woman Cycle protection pad things!

By this point, I just wanted to go home and really had no interest in going down that damn aisle. I had done a lot and it was already humiliating enough to roam through the store with a cart filled with things just for women.

However, I didn't bring my young 'sidekick' with me for nothing. I was aware that Emily didn't know how to read, but I sure could guide her to the right spot by pointing and allowing her to just pick up one of the packages. I even gave her a nudge down the aisle while I stayed behind with the cart.

I was planning on giving her instructions, and I was planning on getting the hell out of the store as soon as possible. Understand, this is what I was planning on doing, but I'm sure you're aware that everything didn't run as smoothly as I would have liked. It never does…

Instead, I was tapped rather rudely on the shoulder by an unwelcome stranger, who oddly enough was accompanied by that same employee who had been giving me the odd look while I had been asking him for medication. And the said stranger uncomfortably resembled an officer- An officer who was also being uncomfortably nosy.

"You…uh… shopping alone, young man?"

"Yeah? With my daughter… What's it to you?"

"What have you got in the cart?"

"What in the hell does it look like? Things for women!"

"Who are they for?"

"My wife!"

I gathered that all of the things in my cart was starting to look a little strange, but I never figured I looked suspicious or anything! And it's not like I was lying! All of the things in the cart were for Winry! I even had proof by showing them the list!

But that didn't seem to work either…

The officer just glanced in the cart, pulled out two different brands of shampoo and stared at me.

"Any reason why your wife would want you to buy two different types of shampoo for completely different hair textures…?"

Obviously, this man had a wife too. And he sure knew about woman products better than I did.

"Are you trying to tell me I'm not married?"

"That's not what I'm saying young man."

"Are you telling me I'm too small to be married?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'll have you know I have the ring to prove it!"

I even tried to point to my daughter as proof, but they just weren't buying it. And obviously, they didn't seem to know nor care whether I was part of the military or not. Unfortunately, I didn't even bring my watch to show either… But who would have thought bringing a damn military proof of ID to a shopping market would be necessary?

But I'll have you know this isn't the first time I've been seen as suspicious. This officer was starting to remind me of a certain annoying detective back in a little city of water. But that was different… I was being seen as a thief. This situation was looking a lot more insulting.

"Look, are you trying to hint to me that I'm hiding multiple women? You know, I could be a father of ten!"

"Are you?"

"Well no… but I could be!"

"Fascinating…"

Well no matter how fascinating I was to this bastard, I just wanted to check out these humiliating items and head home. But as usual, I seem to find trouble no matter where I run off to. This is why Winry possibly will divorce me in the far future- too much trouble for my poor wife.

Now somewhere through this entire conversation, my troublemaking daughter decided to take things upon herself and get Winry's things from the aisle without the instruction. Apparently, she didn't see why carrying a whole package would be useful, so she ripped it open and carried a bundle of those…pads over to me and dropped them in the cart without a care in the world.

Needless to say, this made matters worse…

"You planning on paying for those, young man?"

"Look, she's two years old…! Give me a damn break! I was going to pay for the whole package!"

So now I was looking like some suspicious kidnapper and a thief! And why?! All because of the damn woman products! This is why men can't go shopping for women! You buy a bunch of things like this and you either get pegged as suspicious or they'll talk about you behind your back and whisper that you're a cross dresser! Bastards!

"Why don't you show me where you're living, young man?"

"Don't you… need like a warrant to search my house or something before you do that?"

"I need to know where you live first."

"I'll give you my address."

"You could be lying."

"Do you really, honestly think I'm hoarding women away in my house?!"

"I never said that, son… But you sure keep mentioning it a lot. There have been some reports..."

So I was obviously making myself look bad. But who in the hell wouldn't get defensive!? I was innocently shopping and then suddenly accused of something ridiculous! Why in the hell would I want a bunch of women kept up in my house anyways!?

"Whatever… can I just buy these things first?"

"You sure can… don't forget the pads."

So I paid for those humiliating things and had the nosy cop follow me home, minus the stupid market employee. I couldn't have Emily help with too many things, so I was forced to carry all the bags by myself. It's not like the rude officer was going to help me. And it's not like I was worried about him finding anything anyways… I just found it annoying that I had someone following me home. I expected my daughter, but a police officer was not within my expectations.

So the moment I reached my house, I decided to complain about this inconvenience and let the guy know just how unhappy I was with everything.

"I'm trying to tell you there's only one person in that house, and it's my wife. There is no way I would have a group of women in my house!"

"Yeah, yeah… We'll see."

And indeed we did…

After placing the bags down by the front, I searched around for the keys in my pocket and quickly unlocked the door to move inside. I was planning on pointing out the lack of females in the room and was also planning on complaining to the officer about the continued inconvenience of his company… Let us note that I plan to do a lot of things, but because of certain misfortune, these moments don't quite come to fruition…

In the house, I found that my darling wife had apparently decided to invite some people over while I was gone, obviously disregarding the cramps she had. But she must have been in pain, because I could tell she had been crying… So I'm guessing it was some sort of sympathizing party that included tea. And would you even believe me if I told you every one of them was a woman? Specifically, Sheska, Gracia, Paninya, and Rose…

Needless to say, the officer beside me didn't look all that amused.

"No other ladies in the house, huh?"

"It's not what it looks like! I know them!"

"Yeah, I'll bet you do…"

"You can't talk to me this way! The blonde one is my wife…!"

"Why is she crying…?"

"Because she's on her period, you big oaf!"

Now I'm sure you know that all of this was straightened out over a given time, but I am just trying to make a point. I hate shopping, I never want to go down that aisle again, I fully intend to hunt that market employee down, and sympathizing tea parties should be banned.

And you know what Winry had to say after all of this was over? After all of my heartbreaking effort and misery I had to go through…

"Ed, you didn't get the ones with the wings…"

I never want to hear about a pad again! I never want to see a pad! A pad with or without those damn wings! I don't want to go down 'The Land of Rainbows' ever again, and I don't want to touch another bottle of women shampoo as long as I live…!

You see this?! This writing crap doesn't help me relax! It just pisses me off more! Whoever said writing out your feelings is supposed to help is a liar! You know what helps me feel better?! Beating the shit out of Mustang! In fact… That's what I think I'll do right now!

It would bring peace and tranquility to my heart to see the colonel with a black eye and missing teeth…How's that for writing my feelings?

Silverbell: Alright, I believe there is only going to be one more chapter of this story before it's finished.

Edo: It's not a story! All I do is complain about things!

Silverbell: Very true…But…oh well. We need to kick you back into your doctor personality anyways with the other story.

Edo: You do still realize that I'm scared of needles, right?

Silverbell: Shhh! Read and Review please!