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Chapter 14: Mourning Lost Youth

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Scott Summers heaved a silent sigh at the supper table that evening. While the time spent with Rogue earlier in the day had soothed his ego and improved his mood, the hushed cadence of gossiping whispers was prevalent among the dining students. The majority of them glanced at him warily every time their eyes left their plates. Most of their gazes were filled with pity – an expression that he was all too familiar with over the years. Scott despised pity; it felt as though it made him less somehow in the eyes of others. And for him, so much of his internal stability was wrapped within keeping up outward appearances. It was his form of empowerment…

As long as he could control his visage and the way others perceived him, then certainly he could keep his own internal self under control.

The saddest part was that Jean and Logan were not even attending the meal. Cyclops assumed that given the discovery of their affair, they had chosen to forgo the publicity of such an event, instead going out to dinner for the first time together. On the one hand, Scott wished that they were here. Then, at least two-thirds of the scrutiny would be directed their way… That, and some spiteful aspect of him wanted to see the guilt and shame steal over their faces during the course of the evening meal. He wanted to know that Jean and Logan were hurting over their betrayal – just as much as (or more than) he. However, the idea of actually seeing the two of them together – after so many years of loving Jean – felt like a stab to the heart. Everything he had become over the years (namely the X-Men's fearless leader) was to prove to himself, Jean, and the world that he was worthy of her. And now, it all came to nothing.

Perhaps, the man mused, a person should not have to earn the love of their significant other… it should be expected, and in turn, given freely. At the realization, the slightest breath of a sigh escaped him, for the epiphany had come too late. He had dedicated about a decade of his life to inventing himself into a man to be Jean's match – only to discover now that she had not known what she wanted all along.

In high school, Scott had attempted to romance the redhead who was already attending college… She remarked that though she liked him and all, she was too old for him – what the boy had heard was that he was too young. Meanwhile, Jean had often praised him when he was responsible and made mature decisions, as well as rolling her eyes at his bouts of juvenile behavior. Scott had always been good with fitting puzzle pieces together… So is it any wonder that, from the information given, he came to the conclusion that Jean was looking for a mature, trustworthy man that she could depend on? …It was certainly what the telekinetic thought she wanted. So Scott Summers set out to be the man of her dreams.

There is the old phrase about a time for setting aside childish things… but it made Scott wonder, at times. Especially now, he could not help but believe that he forced himself to grow up too quickly. Hindsight is twenty-twenty… But he had never as adamantly regretted his forfeited youth as he did now, for now he did not have love as compensation for his sacrifice.

Yet, his plan to win Jean's favor had worked back then. He became sterner, stood taller, worked harder, accepted more responsibility… and all the while, Jean's gazes grew longer, her blushes more frequent, her smiles so much wider. So at the time, it all seemed worth it, though some of his (few) friendships in high school drifted to the wayside as the boy reinvented himself as a man.

Scott could tell that Charles Xavier knew the reasons behind his vast change… While always a dependable boy, he had never been so determined to take on so many hardships and responsibilities as he did after falling for Jean. That… and one day, the two men (one a bald paraplegic and the other a stern and studious freshman in college) came to talking. After several minutes discussing plans for Scott's future (leading the X-Men, finishing college with honors, and teaching at the Institute), the telepath fixed the younger man with a searching look. Though the headmaster did not read his thoughts, Scott could tell that the other man had read him well enough without it. Charles then remarked that Scott had come a long way and had transformed into an invaluable member of both the X-Men and the Institute's staff (he was working part-time, at this point)… But that if he wanted to be happy with all the changes he had made, he would have to find his own reasons for them, instead of adopting others'.

He had laughed those words off then, but now Scott could see the painful truth.

He had changed himself for the sake of a woman. A woman he had loved, yes… but as Jean had shown, love could come and go. Only by evolving for his own sake would he be truly content with the changes.

Xavier was a wise man… if only he had listened to the telepath's words earlier on.

Another invisible sigh between forkfuls of spaghetti…

A part of Scott wanted to blame Jean for his lost youth.

At the thought, his visage hinted at a grimace. He knew that it was his own foolishness that tossed aside his last few years of youthful abandon, but he could not help the bitterness from sinking in. However, Scott decided that his resentment could be excused in this instance. After all, how often does a man's fiancé cheat on him with a feral mutant? It could not possibly be that common an incident – then again, Logan did travel all over the world and had a nearly infinite lifespan at his disposal. For all Scott knew, the other man might have made this into a habit. Then again, how would even Logan know this for certain? It was not as though he had many memories to draw from.

A humorless chuckle threatened to rise up within him.

Now Scott was not sure who he pitied more – himself or the bastard that was having an affair with his former intended. Of all the ironies…

The betrayed man felt it was rather unfortunate that he could see the situation from Logan's perspective. But then, they were not all that different. For both, Jean was the first bright promise of heaven they had seen after experiencing countless years of pain and loneliness… Scott's years spent blind in the orphanage – like Logan's memory-less days of wandering – numbed him to the world, but meeting the gentle redhead had turned his insensate world inside out, suddenly sending him aloft with a tumult of warm emotions. She was like a siren to them – both had been lost, trying to find a home out of the tempest around them… and without a word, she promised them that they would find a home in her.

Of course, Jean's siren song had proven itself a lie – at least, it had with him. For all he knew, the outcome with Logan would be completely different. And – to a certain extent – Scott wished them well.

As excruciating as it was, the young man had such a flexible mind and such keen understanding of human nature that even Jean's perspective was not out of his reach. She had always been drawn to those in need of her help… It was one of her best and worst qualities; she was kind and giving, doing her utmost to help others… but just as often as not, her assistance was unasked for and unwanted. Still, she would plough ahead anyways, sometimes earning gratitude and other times only stirring up dislike because of her meddling. However, through it all, the redhead adored fixing problems… and she thrived on the knowledge that she was useful and could contribute – to a solution, an enterprise, or a relationship, it did not seem to matter which.

When they were younger, Jean had been drawn to Scott's troubled past and patched-up persona, even as she made excuses about their age difference. However, with his sudden growth of maturity, her protests rang hollow and she could no longer bar the possibility of a relationship with him…

Thus, she allowed her healing love to be a balm upon his soul, but the pieces of his being seemed to knit back together far too swiftly. After half a dozen years, Jean began to realize that he did not need her constant support at this point – that he no longer needed her help. All he had wanted from her, then, was her love.

Unfortunately, Jean had not yet learned to separate the two… In her mind, physical/mental/emotional dependence and romantic love were inseparable. And within the last year or two, Scott only seemed to have one of the two requirements. At this point, the first noticeable strains in their relationship came into being.

Then, Logan entered the picture. He was a man with no knowledge of his past and countless mysteries hidden even from himself. He was gruff and abrupt… but he had a heart of gold hidden beneath his rough exterior, as shown by his care and attention to Rogue. Jean, Scott knew, could see the feral mutant's merits far better than most, for even without the aid of telepathy, she had a talent for unearthing the virtues within people. Add in Logan's alpha-male presence and his physical attractiveness and Jean hardly stood a chance.

…Which brought Scott back to his present position; namely, the fact that he (and the gossip surrounding the illicit affair) had become the unofficial entertainment for the meal.

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