Author's Note
Hello again! The week passes so quickly, doesn't it? Things on my end continue to proceed smoothly - next episode was fun to write, considering all the one-on-one sports challenges. But that's not for you eyes yet, just something to look forward to next week. This week is the final reward challenge before the merge, and I hope you all like it!
On to the reviews:
80jj: Yup, I figured I'd get that reaction to Amy's return from someone. As despicable as she is, Amy is still a character in this story and I want to at least try to give her a chance to be properly developed. As for a second return, not to mention Lightning and Amy's relationship...well, you'll just have to wait and see!
Cole D. soul: Yeah, pretty much! Amy's a character who is meant to be hated, but that'll just make whatever her end turns out to be that much more satisfying.
Ddynamo: I'm glad you liked the Aftermath! And yeah, I deliberately decided to basically divide the teams up that way - not only is it a good source of contrast and tension between the teams, but it also provides some interesting dynamics within. Hard to believe I still have about half of the season left, though.
ultrablud2: Haha, yeah, I'm a little surprised more people didn't see it coming. And as for your predictions for this episode...well, regardless of how things turn out, I hope you enjoy it anyway!
Koji: Yeah, I've gotten that a few times since last chapter. In my defense, we don't actually know what a lovesick Lightning is like in canon. But still, it's something I've given a lot of thought to with respect to how I develop Lightning and Amy's relationship.
Onigiri: Thanks! And yeah, Scott might have been a better choice for a relationship with Amy based on canon, but I'm actually pretty satisfied with the direction I've taken Lightning here, since it was never explored in the original series.
Glowing Insanity: Haha, I'm glad! Thanks for the review as always.
StarHeart Specials: I'm gonna take it as a good thing that I made someone so sad with my writing, since I definitely want to provoke emotions and such. So thanks for letting me know!
Ali6132: Well, I'm glad you're looking forward to Amy's downfall. Also, I'm pretty sure in canon that Courtney being immune to the first vote after she came back was more due to her new contract, although you're certainly right in that Chris likes to just make things up as he goes along. And as for hints about the two WT contestants...sorry, but I'm not willing to give anything else away at this time.
bruno14: Yeah, I honestly didn't expect people to be that surprised with Amy's return, since I pretty much said near the start of the season that she was gonna be coming back. I'm glad you like Beth and Scarlett's rivalry, and that Lightning's started to be funny for you.
FOWLKON: Oh, don't worry, I'll give the twins a fitting end to their story arc.
StayOuttaMyShed: Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how I'll be developing Amy either, since as you said she doesn't have much to work with being basically a satellite character for her sister. I have at least a vague idea of what direction to take her in, and Sammy being out of the game is gonna be a crucial part of that, but the specifics are something I'm gonna have to figure out as I go along. Maybe it'll work, maybe it'll be a disappointment, who knows? And you've also got a good point about Lightning that I've already been exploring with the next couple chapters - it's a good starting point for exploring the relationship between the two. As for the others...well, you've definitely intrigued me with a few of your thoughts, so even if they don't end up influencing anything I thank you for the feedback anyway!
acosta perez jose ramiro: Yup, that's pretty much what she does!
I. M. Poik: Predictable though the previous chapter may have been, I'm glad you liked it! Interesting opinions and predictions, by the way. No points for me to correct or comment on, so I'll just look forward to seeing your reaction to future chapters.
NewAgeHero: Thanks!
spader13: Hmm...well, I agree that Courtney was definitely a screenhog in canon, so I've been at least trying to give the others more focus in comparison - Amy still needs a good chunk of time anyways since she's still 'new' and needs to be explored, but I don't think she'll end up taking more focus than she needs. Other than that, thanks for your thoughts, predictions, and review!
OMAC001: Well, I did say Amy was gonna be returning awhile ago...and as horrible as she is, she'll get what's coming to her in the end.
Star Saber21: Yeah, that's what I was thinking with Amy's return - no need to have it be exactly like Courtney's, and in fact having it be entirely Chris'' decision opens up some interesting new possibilities. And I did actually consider having B get locked up for the Grips last time, but since he doesn't talk it would be difficult to give him a good solo segment inside the safe - and as smart as he is, I figured I couldn't just keep having him acing every challenge he puts his mind to if only to keep up the tension. Other than that, thanks for the review!
Knifez: Yeah, I honestly didn't even consider having Amy turn up at a different point - it makes sense in-story to have her be the teller as in canon, and as you said it would've been more of a pain to justify her getting put on a team at an earlier point. I'll try to keep an eye on the italics again, and as for line breaks for confessionals...well, it's something to consider, but with not liking the line breaks in my original documents it means I'd have to go back and re-add them after uploading each chapter. Your idea to have Amy pose as her sister would be a good one, but with the current cast I don't think anyone would buy it for a second - especially with Dawn still around. The point about maybe slowing down Beth and Scarlett's rivalry is much better, but what's done is done and I'd rather not go back and edit what's already been posted right now. Still, thanks for the review!
As always, here's the breakdown of remaining contestants:
Screaming Gaffers - Scarlett, Lightning, Beth, Amy
Killer Grips - Jo, DJ, Dawn, B
With that out of the way, here's our blast to a prehistoric past!
- Fangren
Episode 14 – One Million Bucks, B.C.
"Last time, on Total Drama Action!" The episode opened with a long-distance shot of the film lot before cutting to the recap, starting with a few scenes from breakfast. "Tensions among the Gaffers rose to an all time high as Beth and Scarlett butted heads," the two young women were shown arguing with one another, culminating in the brainiac leaving the table. "Already losing the respect of her team, Scarlett lost even more when she and DJ were captured and stashed into safes." The brainiac was shown getting kidnapped while she vowed her revenge outside the craft services tent, while the gentle giant was taken after walking into the kitchen with a confused expression.
"After the Gaffers wasted a lot of time," Beth, Lightning, and Sammy were shown trying to open the vault door without success, "Samey decided to bite the bullet and ask their captive leader for help." A few clips of the conversation through the air vent were shown, culminating in Scarlett slipping a few slips of paper through it and the door finally swinging open.
"Meanwhile, the Grips lucked out big time when the combo they got a few episodes ago actually worked." Dawn was shown speaking into her team's vent, B entered a code, and Jo turned the handle and opened the door. "Whaaaat?!" Chris said defensively over a clip of DJ hugging Dawn and Jo grabbing their bag of tools. "Safes cost a lotta money, okay! We had to skimp somewhere."
"Nice girl Samey got the fright of her life," he continued as the Gaffers' time at the bank wicket was shown, first with Chris popping out to greet them, then teller turning around and throwing off her wig, "when she was faced with none other than Amy!" Sammy fainted, and the Grips were shown walking up with shock on their faces as well. "Who, thanks to yours truly, " the host said over a clip of the two team's go-kart race, Amy sitting prominently with the Gaffers, "is back in the running!"
"The Gaffers lost," Chris said as the team of five ran out of gas and the Grips managed to push their kart over the finish line, "and due to Scarlett siding with the newcomer," the losing team was shown voting, "the sibling rivalry came to an abrupt end when Samey was voted out." The younger sister was shown giving a tearful goodbye to DJ and Dawn, and lying down on the seat of the Lame-o-sine.
The recap footage ended, and portraits of the remaining contestants were shown on the screen – Dawn, DJ, Jo, and B on the top; Beth, Lightning, Scarlett, and Amy on the bottom. "With only eight contestants left," Chris said before popping up in the foreground, "maybe one of them will stand a chance, on another awe-inspiring episode," the backdrop faded and the camera cut to the host in front of the cast trailer, "of Total! Drama! Action!"
xxx
(Fade to Opening Theme)
Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doin' fine;
You guys are on my mind!
Ya asked me what I wanted to be,
And now I think the answer is plain to see!
I wanna be...famous!
I wanna live close to the sun!
Well pack your bags, 'cause I've already won!
Everythin' to prove, nothin' in my way;
I'll get there one day.
'Cause I wanna be...famous!
(Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous! (Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous! (Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
(Fade to Episode)
xxx
A small flock of seagulls flew across the morning sun as the episode started, and the camera panned down to the cast trailers. It zoomed in on the girls' residence as Jo exclaimed "And who do you think you are, anyway?" The shot cut inside to show the jock-ette berating the cheerleader while she applied her lipstick in the trailer's vanity, while Beth and Dawn sat on their top bunks and watched. "Showing up out of nowhere like you have any right to be here, it makes me sick!"
Amy laughed lightly, and continued to examine her face in the mirror. "Please. If anything's making people sick around here, it's your outfit. Seriously, it's like you don't even care that people can see you. And besides," she put the cap back on her lipstick and turned around, "like I already said, I was cheated out of the game three times, this is just me getting...what's the word?" She tapped her chin in thought for a moment then said, "Oh yeah, condensation."
"It's compensation," Beth corrected. "And you weren't cheated out of anything, you just got voted out twice and then you didn't tie for the million with the rest of us!"
"Oh, quite true," Dawn added with a nod and a piercing stare at Amy. "Despite your superiority complex towards your sister you simply aren't as well-liked or lucky. Perhaps if you let go of your irrational hatred for Sammy, you might actually succeed."
"Excuse me?" the mean twin asked in offense. "Are you suggesting that Samey's the better twin?"
"Oh yes," Dawn answered bluntly, still sitting cross-legged on top of her bunk. "Personality, looks, intelligence, physical ability...your sister is simply better in every way!" Jo looked up at the mystic, then crossed her arms and smirked.
"Are you kidding me?" Amy screeched, earning a smile from Beth. "Samey's completely useless, she's just a bunch of spare parts that has to be told twice to do anything! She's not even here right now!"
"Sadly, yes," Dawn admitted. "For reasons unknown, the Universe has seen fit to allow Chris to replace a beloved contestant with you. The rest of us can merely hope that this injustice will be rectified soon."
xxx
Amy began her confessional by growling in frustration. "Who does that pale little weirdo think she's talking to? This is exactly why I needed to come here. Now that Samey's finally out of the picture, I can make everyone realize how much better off they are with me." She gestured at herself, then crossed her legs and smiled confidently. "I bet they'll all be apologizing by the end of the episode."
xxx
The scene moved over to the guys' trailer as B put his trademark baseball cap on in the mirror and turned it around, then shot himself a finger pistol and confident smirk.
"You're gettin' your cast off today, right?" DJ asked, holding his teammate's coat as the silent boy turned around. B nodded, then stuck his good arm in the corresponding sleeve of his voluminous coat and allowed the other half to be draped over his injured shoulder. "Congrats, man, it must be nice knowin' you're gonna be able to use that arm again."
B nodded confidently again, but had to quickly step out of the way when Lightning barged through the trailer door with only a dark blue towel around his waste. "Make way for the hottest thing this side of the Superbowl," he bragged as he power-walked across the room to the sink and vanity mirror on the other side.
The viewpoint shifted over his shoulder as he began to examine and admire himself in the mirror. He briefly bent over to take a pair of seemingly identical jerseys out of a drawer, and as he held them up against his chest one after the other DJ appeared through the mirror with an amused smirk on his face.
"Dude, since when do you care so much about what you wear?" the brickhouse asked.
Lightning glared into the mirror. "Since his girl came back to the game, sha-duh," he answered in an annoyed tone. "Not like you'd know, Lightning's never seen you gettin' dressed up for your loser girlfriend."
"Hey!" DJ exclaimed as the camera cut to his close-up, his brow furrowing and his hand reaching up to the pendant around his neck. "Sammy liked how I looked just fine! Maybe you should try hookin' up with someone that doesn't boss you around all the time." He looked over at his teammate, who gave a sort of silent half-laugh and gave DJ a thumbs-up.
"See?" the brickhouse told the uber-jock, "B thinks so too!"
Lightning rolled his eyes. "For your information," he told them, turning around and pointing a finger at DJ, "Lightning's doin' this of his own accord. Amy didn't tell him how to dress, he just sha-wants to impress her!"
DJ and B shared a look, the silent boy shaking his head in amusement while the gentle giant just cracked a smile. "Maybe so, dude, but I'd stay away from that girl if I were you. She is some bad news."
Lightning rolled his eyes, and turned back towards the mirror.
/
"So like I was saying," Amy said, quickly and smugly, to her thoroughly annoyed and uninterested roommates, "that's how I managed to win my lawsuit and come here where I deserved to be from the beginning."
"Oh, are we still discussing your return?" Scarlett said as she entered the trailer, making a few final adjustments to her bun. "I had assumed you all would have gotten over it by now, seeing as there's no chance Chris will listen to your complaints."
"Doesn't stop us from complaining," Jo scoffed.
"Yeah," Beth added, still sitting on her bunk. "You'd be mad too if Amy hadn't already joined your alliance."
"Umm, loud cough of interrup-" Amy began to say indignantly, attempting to voice a clearing of her throat but in turn getting cut off by a loud and deep sound that shook the trailer.
"Holy cow, what was that?!" Beth exclaimed, now hanging from her bed by one hand.
/
The scene flashed over to a laughing Chris McLean, dressed in a leopard-print full-body loincloth and holding the mouthpiece of a massive curved horn that appeared to be made of shell or bone. He caressed the horn at the end of his laugh, and sighed happily.
/
The footage skipped ahead as the castmates assembled, lining up according to gender – Amy, Beth, Scarlett, Dawn, Jo, Lightning, B, and DJ.
"Eww, what are you wearing?" Amy asked in disgust.
"Oh my, I hope that isn't real leopard skin," Dawn added with concern.
"Don't worry!" the host told her with a smile. "It's a fake!" He became suddenly thoughtful, and added "I think..."
Jo snorted. "Well, whatever it is, it looks ridiculous."
"If you think that's ridiculous," Chris said with an indignant frown, "then wait 'til you hear today's challenges! Now, let's get started!"
A particularly loud throat-clearing put everyone's attention on B as he pursed his lips and pointed at his slinged-up arm.
"Oh yeah," the host said absentmindedly, "forgot about that. Hey, Chef!" he turned his head and called off-screen, answered quickly by the hulking man as he walked over in a slightly darker full-body loincloth of his own. He looked at Chris, who pointed over at the silent young man. "B needs his splint taken off, okay?"
"Yeah yeah," Chef grumbled as he walked over to B, "keep your loincloth on. And you," he told the large boy, "take your coat off." B complied, removing the coat from his immobilized shoulder first as the camera panned back to Chris.
"While that's being taken care of," he told the others, "I might as well get a few formalities out of the way." The shot briefly cut to Scarlett, Jo, and Lightning quirking an eyebrow each. "Because of B's unfortunate injury, myself and the producers have decided to give him a little bit of compensation," he told them, holding his fingers in a near-pinch for a few moments. "It took some time to work everything out, but here's the rub: first, nobody, and I mean nobody," he held up a finger and looked at the contestants sternly, "is allowed to deliberately strike, bump into, or otherwise cause harm to the shoulder he broke. I don't wanna deal with any lawsuits."
"Umm, loud cough of interruption much?" Amy said in an annoyed tone.
Chris rolled his eyes. "Any more lawsuits," he corrected, raising a second finger. "Second, in addition to the therapeutic support pillow that's already been provided, B will also be receiving a one-time-only chance at a gourmet dining experience consisting of his favorite foods, and should he exit the game without winning it, he will be awarded a check for ten thousand dollars."
DJ whistled. "Dang, dude really scored!"
"What can I say?" the host shrugged. "For someone who doesn't talk, he drives a hard bargain."
The camera panned over to the boy in question, now bare-chested and without his figure-of-eight splint. He moved his left arm around to test it, then rubbed his left knuckles against his chest and blew on them with a smirk.
"Ehh, I woulda gone for more money," Jo said, "but hey, no skin off my bones if you wanna be modest."
"Umm, hello?" Amy spoke up indignantly. "Isn't anybody gonna say how unfair this is? I'm the one who sued, and I didn't get anything like that!"
"Gee, I wonder why," Chris deadpanned.
"Well, you did get on the show," Beth told her. "And that's probably more than you deserve."
"Plus, B was actually injured," Jo added. "You're just a sore loser."
"Sha-hey, you sayin' my Amy doesn't deserve to be in the competition?" Lightning asked, glaring at his teammate.
"Dude, we've been sayin' that ever since she got here!" DJ told him, causing the uber-jock to look suddenly hurt.
"It's true," Dawn said as Amy huffed and looked away. "The only ones who truly believe you deserve your presence here are yourself and Lightning. It's quite clear in everyone's auras."
"So what?" Amy spat at the shorter girl. "You think I care what any of you think?"
"Yes," Dawn answered bluntly. "In fact, you want nothing more than to have us, and others, think highly of you. It's one of the biggest reasons you're so cruel to Sammy."
"Uggh!" the mean twin screamed. "Would you stop talking about Samey?! I got her eliminated, she doesn't matter anymore! Not that she ever did..."
"She did," Dawn whispered softly, "and far more than you will ever know."
"What did you just say to me?" Amy asked in a harsh tone. When Dawn merely stared at her silently, the cheerleader grit her teeth and clenched her fists. "Fine," she spat after a moment, "it looks like once again, I have to prove that I will always be the better sister."
"You won't succeed," Dawn told her plainly, causing Amy to grit her teeth and snarl in frustration at the other girl.
"While I'm lovin' this show of hostility," Chris said as he walked by the two girls with a smile on his face, "I think today's challenges will help bring out your more...," he thought for a brief second before smirking and brandishing his fingers like claws, "primal instincts. Today's genre," he announced, sticking a finger dramatically into the air "the Period Movie!"
"Ooooh," Beth gushed from her place next to Scarlett and Dawn, "I love period movies! All the pretty petticoats and dresses with puff sleeves!"
"Hey, you better not be thinking about putting a dress on me, McLean," Jo told the host indignantly while Scarlett palmed her face and groaned.
"I don't think that'll be a problem," the brainiac said dryly, "seeing how we're clearly doing a Paleolithic theme, or at least the cinematic approximation of one."
"Exactamundo, Scarlett!," the host said as a few primitive-sounding drumbeats and grunts played in the background. "Don't know why the rest of you didn't guess that, considering my loincloth," he added in an annoyed tone, motioning to his garment.
"Paleo-what now?" Lightning asked in confusion.
"It's the Stone Age," Beth corrected.
"Early Stone Age, to be precise," Scarlett counter-corrected while adjusting her glasses. "Not that it matters as we'd be portraying poorly-researched 'cave people' either way," she explained dryly and with air quotes.
"Oh," Lightning said blankly, "why didn't you just say so?"
"Hey, no talking!" Chris told them sharply. "Cave people grunt and look confused, so for once, you're all perfectly cast!"
"Some more than others," Scarlett muttered under her breath with a look at Lightning, and then at Jo.
"Okay," the host continued, "cave people in prehistoric flicks do two things: make fire, and use tools made of bones. Technically," he added, raising a hand above his head as if preparing to strike something, "you should also know how to bring down a mammoth with a stick, but since we didn't have enough room in the budget, no mammoth, no challenge."
He walked over to a clothing rack bearing several loincloths of various sizes and colors, where Chef was now standing. "Here are your costumes," the host told the castmates. "Get into character, people!"
"Um, you have got to be kidding," Amy said irately.
"I never kid," Chris told her, quickly losing his serious tone to a bout of laughter. "Actually I do, but never about something this funny."
"Sha-hey, at least you'll be the hottest cave girl here!" Lightning told his girlfriend.
"I'm already the hottest normal girl," Amy shot back as they walked towards the costume rack, "I'd rather not wear some smelly animal skins, thank you very much."
/
The scene flashed over to an obvious prehistoric-inspired set consisting of multiple strange-looking trees set up against a backdrop of rock spires. The camera zoomed in on a central hillock, then cut to a close-up of Chris as he walked through the area. "Hello, cast," he greeted with a grin grin. "Nice to see you all decked out for the competition!"
The castmates were shown lined up in a row according to their teams and wearing the loincloths that had been provided: Lightning and DJ in skimpy pieces that showed off their muscular chests; Beth, Jo, and B in full-body loincloths similar to the ones worn by Chris and Chef; and Amy, Scarlett, and Dawn in what amounted to furry bikinis.
"And might I say," the host told them all, "you all look pre-hysterical!"
"Are you certain this isn't real leopard skin?" Dawn asked uneasily as she looked down at her outfit.
"Ouch!" Amy winced, rubbing her backside where something small and white seemed to be sticking out. "Did you like, remember to have these declawed?"
xxx
The footage cut to the host in his control tent. "Please note," he calmly told the camera, "no animals were harmed in the making of this television program. Okay," he scowled and looked off-camera, "we good?"
xxx
"I'll get it for ya!" Lightning volunteered, picking at the troublesome piece with a suddenness that made Amy blush.
"Chef!" the host exclaimed dramatically. "The tools for the first stone age challenge, please!"
"Here's your rocks," the larger man obliged, joylessly handing out a single rock to each castmate from the pile he was carrying. Dawn accepted hers with a blank face and immediately started to look closely at it, and B did the same but with more enthusiasm. Jo was last to be shown, and immediately raised an eyebrow at the stone in her hand.
"Rocks?" the jock-ette repeated in disbelief. "I know this is 'Stone Age' day, but what are we even supposed to do with these?"
She was met with an annoyed glare from B, who began to point at his rock and gesticulate at Jo the moment she met his eyes. "Uhh, translation please?" she asked Dawn.
"Hmm?" the aura whisperer replied, looking over at Jo and B for a moment while the latter continued to make hand gestures. "Oh, B's just saying that stoneworking is a cornerstone of civilization, and an incredibly important innovation, and that he could do more things with the stones we've been given than you can even count."
Jo's face filled with surprise, and she looked at her silent teammate who had crossed his arms confidently. "Jeez, never knew you cared so much about rocks."
"Really?" Dawn asked her. "It's quite obvious once you get to know him!"
B nodded his agreement, and Jo just looked bewildered.
(Fade to Commercial and Back)
A long-distance shot of the film lot was shown as the episode resumed, before cutting back to Chris as he explained the first challenge. "First team to collect the hidden firewood," he told them, "and use the flint-stones to make fire, earns something to help 'em with the second challenge! Ready?" he furrowed his brow deviously as the camera zoomed in for a close-up. "Aaand, action!"
The Grips looked startled for a moment, but quickly scattered.
/
The scene skipped ahead, showing Amy pointing at a bush and Lightning picking up a stack of wood from behind it while Beth ran past them. Scarlett walked calmly into the foreground, looking around inquisitively, but before she could take another step she was grabbed by Chef Hatchet.
"Unhand me!" she demanded with a faint blush as Chef dragged her over to him. "It's difficult enough preserving my modesty like this without you treating me like a piece of scenery!"
"Hand it over," Chef told her sternly, indifferent to her protests.
Scarlett's eyes briefly went wide. "Hand over what exactly?"
"You know what I'm talkin' about," the man grumbled. "Camera guy caught you pickin' up somethin' that fell outta that Tent-Wrecker's coat. Could be a lighter or somethin'!"
The brainiac pursed her lips, but looked slightly relieved. "It was just a screwdriver," she told her captor, taking the tool out and handing it over.
"Whatever," Chef told her uncaringly.
Just then, Beth ran by screaming. "Somebody help! I think it wants to eat me!" The camera cut to her as she ran out from behind a particularly large tree carrying a load of firewood and getting chased by one of the large, predatory Woolly Beavers similar to the ones that had inhabited Boney Island the previous season. As she kept running and screaming, Chris walked over to Chef and Scarlett, laughing happily.
"Looks like Beth found the wooden beaver dam from the set of 'Rodents, Who Kill!" he told the camera with a few dramatic notes and hand gestures.
Beth and the beaver ran past behind them, prompting Chef to chuckle and add "And 'Rodents Who Kill: Part Two'!"
"For the love of maple syrup, somebody help!" the dorky girl screamed as she ran past in front of the three, dropping a piece of wood as she was chased by two beavers.
"Huh," Scarlett said blankly as she watched her teammate run around. "Incidentally, are those beavers real, or animatronic?" She looked over at the host who seemed to be thinking it over, then creased her brow and looked away. "On second thought," she said dryly, "forget I asked."
xxx
Beth gave her confessional covered with scratches and scrapes, hair messed up and bandages being wrapped around her forehead and right arm by someone mostly off-screen.
"Ever since Sammy was voted out," she told the camera, "I've been getting worried that I'll be the next one to go. Amy and Lightning are basically in an alliance," she said with a hint of thoughtfulness, "and I'm pretty sure Scarlett's with 'em, too. That means, if I wanna stay in this game," determination took over her expression, "then I gotta start winning challenges! Who cares if this one's only for reward?" She shrugged, then winced in pain.
xxx
"Don't just stand there," the wannabe shouted at Scarlett, who was now watching alone, "give me a hand!"
Scarlett pursed her lips and rolled her eyes, then picked up the piece of wood Beth had dropped earlier. She threw it at the lead beaver, landing it in its mouth and causing it to skid to a sudden and startled halt. The second beaver, however, did not stop as well, and soon collided with its companion. As the two rodents began to snarl and squabble with each other, a relieved Beth rejoined her teammate.
"Finally!" she admonished the brainiac. "Couldn't you have done that before?"
"Yes," Scarlett said simply, grabbing the wood out of Beth's arms and walking off. "Now go find more," she commanded, leaving Beth to pout in annoyance.
A growling alerted her to that the killer beavers had ceased fighting, and Beth began to run and scream away from them again.
The camera cut back to Scarlett, then panned over to the Grips who were now gathered around a fire pit.
"So does banging rocks together actually make fire?" Jo asked as she tested it out with two of the stones her team had been given while B arranged the firewood that DJ and Dawn had brought. "I always thought that was something made up for movies."
B gave her a so-so sign, then started striking the team's other pair of rocks together. "B says you need to have the right rocks, otherwise it doesn't work," Dawn interpreted.
xxx
"There are right rocks?" Jo asked the camera incredulously. "I guess I should give cave people a little more credit if they could figure out which rocks were which."
xxx
"Well, I can see why people invented lighters," Jo deadpanned as she banged her rocks together to no effect.
"Just give it some time," DJ told her. "One of you are bound to get sparks eventually, right?"
"Only if you use the proper technique," Scarlett interjected smugly from the Gaffers' campfire, striking rocks together while Amy and Lightning watched.
"Who asked you, Wilma?" Jo shot at the brainiac.
xxx
"Did she just compare me to a cartoon housewife?" Scarlett asked the camera incredulously before quickly shaking her head. "It doesn't matter. Although I still intend on getting revenge on her for forcing this season to happen in the first place, I can let her more pathetic insults slide. There's really nothing she can do to get under my skin."
xxx
"Would you look at that," Jo told the confessional camera, "Little Miss Know-It-All acting like she's so much smarter than the rest of us. I'll have you know, I score top marks in all my classes back home. I just don't need to show it off since B does that kinda stuff faster."
xxx
"Man," Lightning confessed with a dopey smile, "have you seen Amy in that fur bikini? She is lookin' sha-fine today!"
xxx
"Things are finally heating up!" Chris announced happily before the focus moved back to the Grips.
"C'mon, you can do it!" DJ cheered as Jo struck her rocks together with a glare, producing a few tiny sparks. The camera panned over to the Gaffers, showing that a beaten and bruised Beth had rejoined her comrades while Scarlett struck her rocks and returned Jo's glare.
"I love it when sparks fly!" the host told the camera.
The focus alternated between Jo and Scarlett as they banged their stones and glared at each other, the music growing tenser and the close-ups getting closer with each pass. The two were eventually shown in a split-screen together, and as they each prepared another strike, the sound of a fire being lit startled them both.
Scarlett's half of the screen slid away and the camera pulled back from Jo, revealing a roaring fire and victorious-looking B.
"Oh yeah, you did it man!" DJ cheered.
"Great work, B!" Dawn added happily.
Jo shot a smug look over at Scarlett, who grit her teeth in anger.
"Looks like your technique wasn't proper after all!" Chris told her with a laugh. "Grips win the first challenge!"
While Scarlett looked annoyed, Amy spoke up. "Hey, how come B made fire first? Did you, like, give him better rocks or something because of his injury? Because that's not fair to the rest of us!" She and her boyfriend both glared at the silent boy, who raised an eyebrow in disbelief.
"The effects team has assured me that all the flints are pretty much the same," Chris told her. "Of course, had any of you actually helped Scarlett, maybe one of you woulda figured out how to use them properly, like so." He took the rocks out of the redhead's hands and struck them together once, sparking a roaring blaze in the Gaffers' fire pit.
Scarlett growled in frustration, and Amy just sniffed dismissively and looked away.
/
The film lot was shown from a distance again as the same loud and deep horn blared. The shot cut to Chris standing with the massive instrument, grinning proudly. "Yup!" he told the camera. "Still lovin' this crazy thing!"
/
A flash took the scene to the contestants lined up with their back to a bubbling tar pit. "Time for our second caveman movie challenge!" the host announced as he walked into view. "But first, Chef will pass out your rewards from this morning. Chef?" he called out. "Weapons, please!"
The camera cut to Chef as he pulled a brown sheet off what turned out to be a pile of bones, all either femurs or humeri.
"Hold up," DJ said, mildly disturbed, "you sayin' our reward is bones?"
"Hey, for cave people bones were cutting-edge technology," Chris told him as Chef handed out a tiny arm bone to each of the Screaming Gaffers, and larger leg bones to the Killer Grips.
"Umm, loud cough of interruption?" Amy spoke up. "How come they get the big bones, and we get these tiny things?"
"Because they won the first challenge?" Chris replied with disbelief. "I thought that was pretty obvious."
"O-oh, right, I totally knew that," the mean twin stammered in embarrassment. "Thanks a lot, Samey," she muttered angrily, turning her head towards her teammates but not really paying them any attention. "It's all your fault we get the crappy weapons..."
"Uh, Sammy isn't here anymore, remember?" Beth said, her bewildered look at the cheerleader mirrored by Scarlett.
Amy blushed furiously. "Like, duh, obviously! I meant to say Scarlett, but Samey's name just came out automatically."
xxx
"What?!" the mean twin asked the make-up trailer camera with her cheeks tinged with slight embarrassment. "With how much Samey screws up, why wouldn't I think everything is her fault? I just have to get used to not having her around for once in my life."
She stared at the camera blankly for a moment, before an excited grin cracked on to her face. "Oh em gee, I'm finally free of that little pest! Why didn't I realize this sooner? For once in my life I don't have to worry about her messing things up for me!"
xxx
Chris cleared his throat, hands on his hips and visibly annoyed. "The props department for caveman movies are bare-bones," he informed them, holding up a small arm bone. "Which means these are all actors have to fight their on-screen enemies with."
"Enemies?" DJ asked in mild alarm. "What kinda enemies are we talkin' about?"
"Each other of course!" Chris announced excitedly. "Grip Tribe versus Gaffer Tribe!"
"Sounds like my kinda challenge," Jo said with a confident smirk as she hefted the giant femur she'd been given.
"Figures," Scarlett told her, "since you're about as sophisticated as a proto-human." Jo frowned and swung her bone at the brainiac, who quickly blocked it with her own smaller weapon.
"Lovin' the enthusiasm, ladies," Chris told them, "only you'll be fighting over there!" He pointed to the bubbling tar pit behind them, and the camera panned over to a pair of rough stone pillars standing in the middle of the tar pit.
"Each player that knocks his or her opponent off the column into that fake bubbling tar pit," he explained as the camera cut to a close-up of the pit, "scores a point for their team." The shot cut back to the grinning host as he dramatically proclaimed "To the tar pits!"
/
B and Beth were the first pair up, the silent boy on the left looking almost comically larger than the dorky girl on the right.
"I'd say I'd go easy on you because of your shoulder," Beth told her friend cautiously, "but I kinda think I'll need all the help I can get."
The silent genius just shrugged evenly, his large weapon resting against his former injury.
"When do we start, anyway?" Beth called down to the host.
"Oh don't worry," Chris answered with a dark smile, "you'll know!" He laughed a few times, then took a deep breath and blew hard into his massive curved horn.
The booming noise startled the two contestants, causing each to nearly lose their balance. It was B who recovered first, however, leaning forward and nudging Beth with his bone. Already unsteady, that was all it took for her to fall backwards off the column and plunge screaming into the tar below.
"Aww, man!" she groaned when she resurfaced covered in fake tar. A quick-pan back up to B showed him shrug apologetically, and a cut showed the other Grips celebrating.
"That's one point for the Grips!" Chris said from off-screen, and the shot cut to Beth as she pulled herself out of the pit.
"Wow, thanks for helping me, teammates," she told Amy, Lightning, and Scarlett.
"Thanks for losing," Amy shot back. "Like, you didn't even try to knock him off."
"Next up," Chris said as he walked over to the squabbling team, "DJ and Lightning!"
"Sha-score!" the overachiever cheered, pumping his fist. "It's Lightning's time to shine!"
His revery was broken by a sudden and terrifying roar from above, the shot cutting to above the columns as a few prehistoric geese similar to the ones that had lived on Boney Island flew into view.
"Uh-oh," Chris said, "looks like Beth's blood-curdling screams have attracted a swarm of prehistoric pterodactyls! This," he said as the camera switched back to his close-up, "should make things interesting!"
"Man, those look almost sha-real!" Lightning said, looking up in awe.
"Yeah," Chris said while quickly backing away from the uber-jock, "almost real."
/
The monstrous geese were still circling when the footage flashed ahead, panning slightly to the left to show Lightning staring the camera down. "Dude, you better not be thinkin' you can beat the Lightning," he said, raising his bone, "so just save us all the trouble and jump off now!"
DJ cringed in terror as the geese around them roared, but gripped his bone tightly with both hands and focused on his opponent. "I'm not backin' down!" he told the uber-jock. "I don't care what happens!"
As though on cue, one of the geese rammed him in the back, causing him to fall towards Lightning. The brickhouse managed to hang on by grabbing his foe by the loincloth while the goose flew off, but with his feet only just touching the edge of his column he looked about to fall at any moment.
"Let go, dude!" Lightning told him, panicking as he tried to hold his only garment with one hand and brandish his bone-club in the other.
"No way!" DJ replied with a squeak. Lightning responded with a growl and a club to the gentle giant's back, but while it did cause DJ to fall the brickhouse's continued grip on Lightning's loincloth meant the overachiever was quickly destabilized, and fell off as well.
xxx
"I know it wasn't a win," DJ told the confessional camera, utterly coated with tar, "but at least I didn't lose. And while I've never liked any of the nasty stuff they make us do on this show," he added with a smile, "takin' Lightning down with me felt good." His face fell suddenly, and his brow furrowed with worry. "I hope Momma isn't mad at me. But then again, he is datin' my girlfriend's evil twin, so I think she'd be fine with it."
xxx
The two boys were shown splashing into the tar and quickly surfacing, most of the other contestants looking disappointed by the result except Dawn.
"Uhh, is this?" DJ asked, holding up some tar-covered wad and looking at it in confusion.
Lightning looked down at his body, then looked over at his foe with widened eyes. "Gimme that back, dude!" he exclaimed, quickly pulling the wad away from DJ despite it sticking for a few moments. With what looked to be a blush under his tar-covered face he climbed out of the pit, his groin getting pixellated immediately.
"And with that tie," Chris said, ducking into the shot with a grin on his face, "the score is still 1-0 to the Grips. Next up, Jo and Scarlett!"
/
Jo was hunched over on the top of her column, twirling her large thigh bone and smirking confidently. "Lucky me that I get you as my opponent," she taunted the unimpressed brainiac standing opposite her. "I won't even break a sweat! And since DJ and Jockstrap tied, this whole challenge has practically been handed to us!"
"Oh, yeah," Scarlett replied with a sarcastic smile, "you have such an advantage in this match, I don't know what I'll do!"
Jo gave her an unamused frown just as the horn was sounded, signaling the start of the fight. Jo immediately took a swipe at Scarlett, but the wiry redhead ducked and used her weapon to deflect the blow over her head. The jock-ette's scowl deepened, but before she could make another move a grunting noise got the attention of both competitors.
A pair of woolly beavers had arrived at the edge of the tar pit. The shot cut back to the duelists, both shooting curious looks down at the rodents.
"Pfft, who cares?" Jo said after a second. "They're not even real!" She took another swipe at Scarlett, who just barely leaned out of the way in time; the brainiac made no attempt to counter, and simply looked from her opponent to the lurking beavers.
xxx
"Incidentally," she told the confessional camera with her hands clasped on the counter, "I'm almost certain those beavers were real. Not that it mattered, since even if they were animatronic they were clearly there to interfere with the challenge."
xxx
"Would you just stand still for a moment?" Jo griped as she missed another swing at her opponent, who still kept looking between the jock-ette and the beavers. "And stop looking at the scenery, would ya?"
"Jo!" Dawn called out suddenly as the music rose and became tense. "You must watch out, those beavers are real and they're headed your way!"
"What?" the dueling girl replied with considerable disbelief, finally looking down again as the two beavers jumped into the tar and began to swim across towards the columns. "Better make this quick then," she commented before quickly blocking a thrust from Scarlett and jabbing her bone back crosswise.
"Hurry up!" DJ cried out. "I think those things are hungry!"
"You better not mess this up because of some overgrown rats, Scarlett!" Amy hollered before the camera cut back to the beavers. One began to climb the column on the right – the one assigned to the Gaffers – while the other took a large bite out of it.
"Huh, who knew prehistoric beavers ate plaster?" Jo commented idly as Scarlett's column began to sway and the redhead struggled to keep her balance. "Not that I'm complaining about the assist, though," she added with a smirk before thrusting the oversized femur in her hands towards her opponent.
"I was about to say the same thing!" Scarlett said with an odd smile as she deliberately let her column sway away from Jo's weapon so that it missed her, then grabbed the larger bone and pulled. The force of the maneuver caused the two to be pulled towards each other, bringing Scarlett and her column temporarily back upright and the overextended Jo stumbling forward until she fell into the tar with a splash.
The climbing beaver reached the top of Scarlett's column moments later, and its weight sent the whole thing toppling. Tossing away her bone, the brainiac quickly jumped onto the vacant pillar, clinging to it and to safety. The other column fell, and both beavers dived into the tar moments after.
"Ahahahaha!" Chris laughed. "That was awesome! Would've preferred to see some beaver carnage, but! You can't have everything. Anyways, that leaves the teams tied at one-all and us with a grudge match between Amy and Dawn!" He grinned and raised one finger on each hand, then brought them next to each other. "On the same column! You just can't write this stuff!"
The camera pulled back to show the two girls standing on either side of the host. Amy smirked darkly, then said "Why bother even having the final round? Like, we all know who's gonna win."
Dawn gave no reply but a calm stare with her hands clasped behind her back.
/
The background quickly rose again to a deep wail as the scene flashed to a close-up of the lone remaining column, the camera panning up to show the two blondes crammed together on the top. Dawn seemed almost dwarfed by the size of her weapon, which she was holding crosswise behind her back, and she appeared much more stable than Amy. The cheerleader was already wobbling now and again, but her smaller bone was raised and ready to strike.
"I hope you're ready for a tar bath, because that's all you're gonna get," Amy taunted.
"Oh, I don't think that's gonna happen," Dawn replied with a light laugh.
The horn sounded, and Amy took a first strike that was not only easily dodged, but nearly caused her to lose what little footing she had. "Whoa-oa-oah!" she screamed, flailing her arms about and eventually regaining her balance – but in the process accidentally knocking her bone against Dawn's. The weapon was jarred from the cheerleader's hand and plunged to the tar below, causing her opponent to gasp.
"Oh no!" the two girls cried at the same time, and for what were quickly revealed to be different reasons when one of the prehistoric beavers rose up from the tar with a lump on its head.
xxx
"I feel so ashamed," Dawn confessed. "For a moment, I actually considered provoking those beautiful creatures myself! Fortunately," she smiled, "they're naturally quite territorial, and they just didn't seem to like Amy!"
xxx
"What is Dawn's deal, anyway?" Amy asked the make-up trailer camera. "Like, does she actually think people buy her creepy magic nature-loving weirdness? Uggh. She should just go live in a tree somewhere so normal people like me don't have to deal with her."
xxx
With a bellowing roar that nearly shook both girls off the column, the beaver reared back and took a massive bite out of the plaster pillar. The camera quick-panned back to the top as it started to shake and fall, and Amy stumbled off it with a squealing scream.
The shot cut back to ground level as the beaver dived down again and the pillar fell, the mean twin splashing into the tar and Dawn calmly riding the column's tip down to the ground in a meditative stance, jumping off at the last second and landing perfectly with her eyes closed.
Chris laughed, and the footage paused. "I gotta check that out again," he said, and the footage rewound to just before Amy fell. It replayed in slow-motion, and the host paused and zoomed in on Amy's horrified expression as she fell. "Hahahaha! That was great!"
"Well," the host said as the footage resumed normally and Amy crawled her way out of the tar pit in the background, "I'd say the Gaffers had a better chance at the one million B.C.! B.C.," he repeated, "before carnivores! As for the Grips, they win today's reward!" He motioned off to the side, the camera panning over to show Chef Hatchet driving up in a golf cart with a truly gargantuan side of ribs strapped to the roof. "A mammoth-size prehistoric barbecue!"
The cart drove past B, Jo, and DJ, the latter two still covered in tar, and came to a stop right next to the tar pit as the winning team cheered. "Ehh, it's a living," Chef told the camera nonchalantly.
"Don't worry," Chris added, "the Grips may have won today's reward, but," he took a large egg out from behind his back, "we're not gonna let the Gaffers go hungry."
He tossed the egg to the tar-covered Lightning, who looked at it suspiciously. "A giant egg? Lightning thinks he's seen something like this before..."
"Should be enough for four," Chris told the losing team. "You'd better get to work on your fire, though!" The camera cut over to the Gaffers' fire pit from earlier that day, which was still pitifully unlit. Beth and Lightning stared at it blankly, and the host added "Maybe the Grips will throw you a bone when they're done?"
"Mmm, mmm, I love me some barbecue," DJ said excitedly as he and Jo approached the cart, followed by B and Dawn.
"This almost makes up for losing to Scarlett!" Jo added with a smile.
As they approached Chef got out of his seat, but in doing so caused the cart to begin rolling towards the tar pit. The Grips were shown gasping in shock, and the camera focused in on the cart as it rapidly approached the tar pit, began to tilt, and finally stopped. The shot pulled back to show Jo holding on to the front of the cart, DJ holding her around the waist, B holding onto his waist, and Dawn at the end holding onto B's arm helplessly.
"Alright, pull!" Jo commanded. "I'm not letting our hard-earned meal get away that easily! Not because some two-bit chef doesn't know how to park!"
As the four began to pull the camera panned over to Chef, who rolled his eyes and walked away with a grumble.
"Darn," Chris said, walking over with an impish smile on his face, "and here I was hoping to see the four of you use those bones to hunt like real cave people!"
"Ahh, shove it McLean!" Jo yelled at him as the Grips managed to drag the cart back onto level ground.
The camera panned over to the Gaffers, Lightning still giving suspicious looks at the giant egg in his hands and Scarlett the only one not covered in tar.
"What I wouldn't give to be on that team," Beth sighed wistfully.
"What I wouldn't give to be on the winning team," Amy said frustratedly, earning an unnoticed eyeroll from Scarlett. "Although," the mean twin added ponderously while looking at her hands, "this tar does feel pretty good. I bet it'll be great for my skin."
"Good for you," Scarlett deadpanned. "Why don't you go look in to that, and I'll get started on that egg." She went to grab the egg out of Lightning's hands, but the tar made it stick to him fairly tightly.
Her face briefly fell into an annoyed expression, but it was quickly replaced when a terrifying cry rang through the air.
"Uhh, Lightning?" Chris cautiously told the uber-jock. "I think the pterodactyl wants its egg back." The monster goose was shown hovering in the sky above, and it quickly dive-bombed the contestants below.
The overachiever screamed and his teammates scattered, and the goose was soon on top of Lightning, buffeting him with its wings.
"Aaaaaah!" the athlete screamed. "Lightning knew this seemed familiar!"
The shot cut back to Chris and Chef, who were cringing at the fight happening just off-screen. They looked at each other, and shrugged helplessly. "Ehh, they'll be fine," the host said right before another goose-cry was heard. "Probably. And hey, at least we'll be eating nice tonight!" Chef nodded happily.
They looked over at the Grips, who were now digging in to their reward dinner. "Hey big guy," Chris called to B, "you wanna have that dinner you were promised? We're having surf and turf tonight!"
B shook his head, and resumed pulling a large rib off the rack. "Another time then," Chris shrugged before he and Chef walked off. They passed the Gaffers as they went, Lightning now pinning the goose to the ground while Beth and Amy watched nervously and Scarlett, now grinning, finally lit the team's fire.
xxx
"Well that was a bust," Amy said with a blunt and sulking tone, blowing up at her bangs while leaning back in the confessional chair. "Skin care aside, I did not come out of that challenge looking good." She leaned towards the mirror and adopted a look of concern before continuing. "I hate to say it, but I might actually have to work to get these losers to see how much better I am!"
xxx
"If you're watching this, Sammy," Dawn told the make-up trailer camera with a sweet smile, "I want you to know that I shall do my best to avenge your elimination, and ensure your sister does not succeed! Well," she added with a light giggle, "within reason, of course. Vengeance is no reason to harm the Earth Mother."
xxx
The next bout of static transitioned to a confessional from the host himself, picking his teeth with one hand and holding a coconut drink in the other. "I know everyone was hoping for Amy to get badly hurt," he said, "which is good, because it means bringing her back was the right call." He paused to take a sip from the straw in his coconut. "Sadly, it just didn't work out this time. Maybe the others just need another push." He shrugged, then picked his teeth again.
"Anywho, see ya next time, kiddies!" he told the camera. "Same Chris time," he tossed his toothpick away, "same Chris channel!" He tossed the coconut away next, and a tinkling crash from off-camera soon indicated it had broken something. "Uhh, wasn't me!" Chris called nervously before dashing off in the opposite direction.
xxx
(Fade to Credits)
Author's Note - Post Script
I'll admit, looking back, that this wasn't really my best work. A few parts were too much like canon, in particular the scene with Scarlett and Chef, as well as Scarlett, Beth, and the beavers from the first part of the challenge. The beavers, at least, were something that needed to be introduced anyway, but I probably should have come up with a way to get Scarlett there that was more...I don't know, different? Exciting?
Also, B finally got his splint off! As I said last time, I wanted to save his 'healing' for something for useful, which turned out to be a scene that filled in for Courtney getting her PDA in canon. Doing so allowed for a contrast between Amy and Courtney's arrivals, with Amy being the only one mad about another contestant receiving what she thinks is special treatment instead of the inverse. It also gave me a couple more things to (eventually) do with B, although they aren't exactly game-changing.
And since the Grips are meant to be the more sympathetic ones in this series, they actually managed to save their reward while the Gaffers had to deal with an unlit fire and a goose that wasn't dealt with as simply as in canon.
Overall, despite it's faults I think it was a fairly enjoyable chapter, and I'm eager to hear your thoughts on what I did and didn't do wrong.
See you all next Friday!
- Fangren
Appendix: TSA Eliminated Contestants
Geoff - (Tied for 14th Place)
Bridgette - (Tied for 14th Place)
Shawn - (13th Place)
Alejandro - (12th Place)
Sierra - (11th Place)
Beardo - (10th Place)
Topher - (9th Place)
Sammy - (8th Place)