My vision was blurred so I rinsed my body and got out of the shower in the warm room, looking at how the water was dripping down the walls. I stared at them dumbly for a while until I decided to dry my hair and body before going to the bedroom to change. I picked the vial in which I hid my pills and took two, wanting to get rid of this feeling of emptiness. Everything was better when I was feeling high, there was no missing piece inside me, there were only colors and happiness. I laid back in bed and decided I would visit Coleen today and help her a little because my father was on a business trip and that made me a lot more comfortable in that apartment. They were living in a small apartment complex and I got there really easy with my bike while listening to my usual playlist that included no words. It was really hard for me to listen to emotional songs these days so I preferred not to and just had background sounds. I locked the bike in place and hurried upstairs, knocked on the door and waited patiently while checking my phone. When she finally saw me she smiled widely, a little taken aback. Her hair was all over the place and she looked very pregnant which amused me.

"Good morning, Jean!" I smiled back, a little up-tight and she stepped back so I could enter the place. "Excuse me, I just woke up"

"It's okay" I said and looked around to see the man was indeed not there. Thank God, I couldn't handle his bullshit right now. "So what are the plans for today?" I asked and sat on the couch while she went to pour me a glass of orange juice. I took it from her hand and she sat down next to me.

"I plan on cleaning around"

"I can do dusting" I said and she smiled, a little shyly. "I can also wash dishes" We've spent quite a time together lately because mom was working all day and I was lonely so I thought that I could do something good and help her out. She offered me some candy but I refused it as I was not in the mood.

"You're very nice but I bet you have better things to do with your time" I shook my head because I really didn't as I wasn't working that day. And I wasn't in the mood to go out with anyone either so it was a set decision. "What's the matter? Do you have any kind of problems at school or work?" I shook my head. "Is it Marco then?" That hit me much more than intended, probably because she had no idea what was going on.

"Marco and I are no longer together" I gulped dryly and she furrowed her brows. It's been a month since I last talked to Marco, at that goddamned party. They moved out without him coming at our house again and since then we haven't talked at all, not even in the classes we had in common. We were usually staying at different poles and he wasn't talking to the others like he usually did, he was slowly getting further and further away, not even looking me in the eye. I knew he was hurt and disappointed but he didn't give me any chance to apologize or do things better. It was like I lost a limb, I never experienced this kind of feeling, it was like I was living someone else's life. It all turned to shit in less than a day.

"What happened?" I didn't want to talk about him so I grimaced and she let it go. "Whatever is going on, I am sure you two will be fine" I didn't think that, in fact I was sure it wasn't going to be because I missed my shot and he deserved someone better. I never wanted to admit until now but Marco was the best person I knew and he deserved much more than the shitty me. It was pointless to think of that then so I began working soon, trying to fill my time as soon as possible and keep my brain busy. I was feeling drained of everything and guilty so I worked hard at work and school, as if that could balance what I have done. I couldn't remember the name of the girls I made out with that night and that showed just how much they meant to me. We had lunch together and in the afternoon I decided to bike to the graveyard to see my grandmother's grave. She was my mother's mother and after Marco, she knew me the best and today was that kind of day when I missed her badly. I was very sweaty when I decided I needed a break and I spotted a flower shop which gave me the idea to buy a bouquet. I had 50 dollars on me so I hoped I would afford something nice.

I parked the bicycle and headed inside, making sure my hair was alright. I got to the counter and looked around for yellow roses which were my granny's favorite and when I finally saw them someone came from the back and I almost dropped my jaw when I saw the familiar freckled face. He looked well, a big smile plastered on his face that slowly died once our eyes met, being replaced by a polite but subtle one. I looked at my destroyed converse shoes and back at him, trying not to make things awkward.

"Hi" I said and he put a pair of yellow gloves on, looking at me peacefully.

"Hi, Jean, can I help you?" I nodded and pointed to the roses.

"I want a bouquet of those" He smiled again and pursued to pick some nice ones, wrapping them in colorful paper. I watched his dexterity in silence and the room became suffocating until he began to look around for a ribbon and spoke.

"You're visiting your grandma?" I nodded and felt a tinge of sadness in his voice. Of course he knew those were my grandma's favorites. When we were little I always took him to her house to play during the weekends. She used to make us pancakes and muffins and whatever we wanted, she was that kind of grandma. "It's been three years now" He was at her funeral too, he saw me crying like a little baby and held my hand without making any mean comment about how I shouldn't cry. I looked at his freckled face and then down his neck where the skin was exposed and where it looked warm and perfect.

"Marco" I said suddenly and he looked up, stopping his motion. "I am sorry" Those words really seemed meaningless and I almost felt pathetic saying them, ashamed of me. I spoke those words way too many times now, much more than I should have but I couldn't stand to go on without apologizing. "I am..." I was ready to repeat when he got out from behind the table and came closer, untying his dirty apron.

"I know, I know" he said and smiled brightly. "It's okay, don't kill yourself over that" I hated how calm he was but when he said that I felt tears in my eyes so I rubbed them furiously, making him grab my hands and pull me closer in a hug. I couldn't stand anymore so I buried my face in his tall shoulder and tried to stop the feeling of choking. "You're my best friend"

"I miss you" I whispered and he nodded, stopping the hug too soon. He looked at me smiling and the only thought that came inside my head was that he was too good for me. He got a tissue from the table and offered it to me before looking at the clock.

"I can take a break, do you want a coffee?" I nodded and he showed me the back of the place where was a small yard with a jukebox with tea and coffee from which we took our share. We sat down on the edge of the door and I took a cigarette out, lighting it while holding the cup of coffee. "You should cut on those, you look bad" I smiled shortly but didn't throw it away.

"How comes you're working?" I knew his mother and I knew she would never allow him to work if she could do anything about it so it was weird. Even if a flower shop suited him, I bet there were lots of people buying flowers just because of his warm being.

"I signed up in a project and I need money to finish it so I am doing my best. We're staying at a hotel so mom can't help me with everything" I looked at him for more explanation and he grinned. "It's an exchange project, I'm going to study abroad until the end of the semester" The end of the semester meant 4 months so I almost dropped my cup. I turned to look at him and he smiled widely. "In France, it's very interesting, they focus on biology and physics" He wanted to be a pediatrician and he was crazy about biology so I could understand his enthusiasm but still.. it was not another state, it was another continent. For four months.

"Are you sure?" I asked and he chuckled, probably at my face.

"Of course, it's a great opportunity" It was making me feel selfish but I didn't want him to go. Not that it was my place to speak, it was his future and his choice.

"Aren't you a little anxious to go there alone? And to learn in French..." Well, I was French so I spoke it fluently but Marco only learnt it in school so I wasn't sure how was that going to be.

"The classes are mostly in English. I am going there with a group, I met most of them and there is also Oliver, the guy from the party" I could vaguely remember him, but I knew I had something against him, that was for sure. He had glasses. There was a question itching me so I looked at my shoes and kicked a rock, deciding not to put it. "We're not dating" he answered and I smiled sarcastic cause he knew me so well.

"We're not dating either" I said and he smiled sadly, shaking his head.

"Let's not talk about it again" His voice was not dark but it was grave, as if he didn't want to remember what happened and it made me worried because I didn't want him to regret everything. "We're horrible as a couple" I smiled emptily and he smiled back. "It was a lifetime crush, sometimes it simply doesn't work"

"It's my fault" I whispered and he shook his head, grabbing my shoulder.

"I'm too sensible and you're too harsh, we're total opposites" He was right. "But we're awesome as best friends and I don't want to lose that, even if it will hurt"

"Okay" I agreed and got up, placing the cigarette butt in the recycle bin. "When are you leaving? Can we meet until then?"

"Of course, I get out at 7 tonight but then I go shopping for the trip. I leave at the end of this week." I realized the question was too sudden and maybe it was better to let things get colder between us so we wouldn't have this feeling when we see each other. It was better to keep it down with the meetings and talks for a while. He probably thought the same but he was too nice to tell me.

"You should focus on the trip." I wanted to tell him to look for me when he wanted to but that would have sounded too clingy so I chose to shut up and watched him smiling. He ran his fingers through his curls and I felt my fingertips ache with the need to touch them but I stopped myself, only looking at the way they were falling on his head. They gave him a childish look, he was always going to have a cute aura with that haircut. It was not even a haircut, it was just left wild. He probably saw what I was staring at cause he bowed his head as if he was offering it for touching. I chuckled and rubbed the top, letting my hand rest on the back of his neck. He shivered and straightened his posture.

"Don't do that" I raised a brow and he got away, annoyed. "If you want us to be friends again you can't do this"

"Right" I said in a tiny voice and decided it was time to leave. "Text me if you feel like" I added and we both went in the shop where he fixed the last touches on my bouquet and when he offered me the flowers I took hold of his wrist. "Take care of yourself, okay?" I wanted to hug him again, to smell his sweet scent but I couldn't do that so I looked at his freckled face again before we said our good-byes. I felt a heart-pull when I hopped on the bike and drove it off that road. I was feeling terrible, to be honest, empty and confused because I didn't know how I could make the feelings stop. No matter how I looked at it, I couldn't erase all that happened the last month. Our relationship lasted three weeks or so but the feelings were a lot older and I couldn't handle this. I stopped to buy myself a beer and continued the trip to the cemetery where I easily found my grandma's grave. I placed the roses on the stone and after reciting the only prayer I've ever known I sat down on the little bench beside and opened the beer with a sigh.

The view was beautiful but my heart was still beating wildly, confused by what it had to do. I remembered kisses, touches, words, love.

"I think I really messed things up this time, granny"