Dear readers and friends

Thank you for your patience, for your kindness and above all else, for your faith. Not only in me as a writer and a growing story teller, but for the faith that you have staked in reading up and through the conclusion of this massive and still ongoing story.

I cannot commend you enough for sticking with me through the journey, thus far. It has been so hard… Easily one of the most difficult task I have ever taken on, but I am still determined to finish it. It is one of the things that brings my life true meaning, it is so so important to me.

The reason I am reiterating this to you (because I know I say this stuff all of the time) is, because I have some bad news to deliver onto you. There are several reasons why I have not updated this story since November and all of them are somewhat related to one another, in strange and complicated ways that I don't feel like getting into at the moment.

The short of it is, that something horrible has happened.

My father has finally passed away and was discovered by myself and my mother this past January 21st, 2017. The events in recent months leading up to his death, have been emotionally and mentally draining on me, in a debilitating and disturbing sort of way. Not only that, but the circumstances of his death were ugly and traumatizing to say the least. I would be lying if I said I was completely fine.

I have a lot of support. Friends and family who have been better to me, during all of this, then I could probably ever, even hope to deserve. I feel like they were the only reason, I was able to carry on the following week right after my father's death.

Now I am back at work for the second week in a row and life feels a little surreal and slow at times. I question whether the things that happened… If they did actually happen, constantly. I have to convince and remind myself each day, that my dad is indeed gone now. Then I question death, more than I ever have before. I struggle to grasp the finality of it, even still… Then I question my own existence and wonder why I am still here. That meaning in writing that I was referring to before, might be more important to me now, than it ever was.

I get hung up on the details of my father's death. I harbor guilt over all of the 'what if's. The things I didn't do, that maybe I should have, even though I am aware that I could not have stopped the outcome. I fret over the fact that he was alone and I think about how much he was struggling in the months prior. I saw him and spoke to him. The last time I laid eyes on him, was in mid-December, while he was in the hospital and he did not look good. He was very out of it, confused, going through severe withdrawal symptoms from his alcoholism and he had a bacterial infection. My mother did not let me see him on the day that we found him. Part of me is grateful to her and part of me has regrets about that fact. Maybe seeing him lifeless would have helped me with the denial phase of grief, that I seem to be stuck on. He was cremated before the service. I suppose the other aspects of that day, are damage enough for me though.

Other things I keep doing is rehashing conversations we had up until the day of his death with great agony. When I'm not doing that, I cry over the good memories and the things he taught me. I remember him, as the great dad he was growing up. And then I push myself to be the person that he taught me to be. To walk on as his, and my mother's examples. I feel the good parts of him that are within me, along with the flaws. Just as I do with my mom, but then I also remember that I am not either one of them. I am myself… But it is okay to be like them in some ways. One could only be so lucky, as to have good parents such as I did and I am honored that they are both a part of me. That is how I can keep my dad with me always… Even now… And I hope to make my life meaningful, so that he may be proud of me, from wherever he is.

I spend my time at work trying not to think about these things, so that I don't start to tear up in front of everyone there. It doesn't always work so well, so I put on my sunglasses. I know they are aware of my loss, but being hung up like this, somehow feels wrong. I don't want people to think me weak or to worry about me, but I don't always know how to stop or what to do. So, I just try and hide it. Get over it as quickly as I can. Sometimes I suppose, I worry. I get so very frustrated with myself.

I've been working hard. I keep distracted with the things I enjoy. I laugh a lot and joke, I smile too, all of the time. I still have fun and joy in abundance. I did, even on that awful day. I have the amazing people in my life to thank for that. Life cannot be lived, if we cannot find joy even in the hardest of times.

I stay busy with tasks. I see friends and family as much as possible, but I'm not quite all there yet. I carry this tinge of pain with me at all times. There's no escape from that. It's like a tiny hole right in my middle of my body, that cannot be filled by anything. When I let myself truly feel the gape of that hole, it gets wider and the pain of that stretching, makes it really hard to breathe. I isolate myself in those moments, so that I can be weak, because I am alone. I don't know that others understand. I'm sure people who have lost loved ones probably do… I don't know if this is normal, but I'm not sure if I am equipped enough to handle this any other way, for the moment. I think that maybe… I believe that doing this will somehow diminish my pain in time, by letting it come out in waves. I have to feel strong enough to let myself have those moments of just hurting. I don't know… Maybe I need to do this sometimes in order to move forwards.

For now, I feel a bit stuck and I am sorry. This might be too much for me right now. I tried to get back to Monster, but the part I am at, is requiring something that I just can't give right now. I am making my absence official starting today. I will be gone and working on my own recovery from this grief, for a while. I hope that by writing this, it is a step in the right direction to start. I have a few other ideas and tasks for myself planned to help, but the reason I am telling you all of this is, because I don't know exactly how long I will be gone. I want to promise I'll return soon, but I am unsure. One thing I know, is I will damn well try… But I need to do something different, because everything I have done thus far, has not worked. Trying the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results is the very definition of 'insanity'.

So, for now I am sorry to ask this of you guys, but will you please wait for my return and pick up the story again, once that happens? I promise I won't let it die unfinished, unless I die first and hopefully that won't happen. If you do not wish to, I completely understand and respect your decision, but I thank you for your patronage thus far.

Thank you again for being so patient, it kills me to ask any more from such incredible readers as it is, but also thank you for helping me in my journey to becoming an author.

Now please for those of you who know of my tumblr account, you may have already seen this preview of chapter 14. I uploaded it up on that site back in November, but for those who didn't see it… I'm sharing it with you all now, because it is all I can give you for the moment. I really am sorry guys.

Chapter 14 will start with one last flashback between Gajeel and Levy, that adds the last, missing piece of the puzzle that is their relationship, at the start of the story… If that makes sense… Please enjoy… And again, I really am sorry. My review responses will be posted once Chapter 14 is done and finished. This note will most likely be deleted or moved to the bottom of the chapter. There might be some more explanation about what happened with my father's death, but I can't be sure. I don't know if I'll want to do that, for my own closure reasons or not. This whole preview/explanation chapter will be deleted and completely reposted at that time, so that everyone may still get the notification about it being complete.

Thank you and I don't ever plan on doing this again. I wasn't sure I even wanted to, to begin with… But after talking with my close, real life friend and fellow fairy tail writer, CrimsonWolfKo, I feel like it was the right idea for the time being. Just, because it has already been so long since my last update and I don't know how long it will take for me to come back and update again. She also said that sharing my experiences and my feelings might help me some to move on and right now I am willing to try anything to help me through this hardship. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, in my whole entire life, but I don't plan on it letting it damage me for, forever. And with that… Please read this bit of chapter 14, I hope you guys will like it and I apologize for not having an actual chapter for you all. I will be posting this on tumblr too and adding a note to my profile soon… Thank you.

Until we meet again dear readers… I hold you dear in my heart… Always…