My days kept to the same routine, dealing with heartbreak- I don't think that if I change anything, it would make it better. Wallowing never helps. I know that first hand, the first couple of days after Finn had dumped me, again. The show was over. Jesse left and then Finn and I barely lasted three months before Finn broke up with me. So now, wallowing and crying was done with. I pulled up my big girl pants and re-adapted to my normal schedule: wake up, elliptical, shower, dress, breakfast shake, grab my keys, and school.
But this morning I was late- I woke up 15 minutes later than normal, probably because my dream was so warm but it left me rushing. By the time I left my house, I barley had 30 minutes to get to school, which would need every minute of the trip. I park in a different spot than usual, and jump out and lock my car when I remember my bag is in there. With a growl, I realize that this is just a bad day. Maybe I should have stayed home- when a day began bad, it usually doesn't get better. I snatch my bag from my car, looping it around my shoulder, rushing to the building, the warning bell echoing around me. Damn it. I skip my locker and head straight to class, knowing I had everything I needed anyway.
As I enter the class, I remember I agreed to meet Finn at my locker this morning. While we weren't together, we were still co-captains. He'll probably think I'm mad at him again. Sometimes I thought it was cute how insecure he could be around me, but today everything annoys me and it wasn't long before a headache sat in. I slid into my chair and remember I need to take Finn's picture out of my locker still, also remembering what I plastered it on top of. Jesse's picture that was also on top of Finn's picture. I wished he could be as confident as Jesse was, instead of getting mad at me for forgetting to meet up. I wasn't excited to run into him later.
The class passes fast and the bell rings and finally, I got to go to my locker and shove all the books from my bag inside and then rush to English. I was in AP, as with most of my classes but for some reason part of the reading material was Romeo and Juliet. I think the teacher is obsessed, like me and Broadway- but mine is a goal, his is just unhealthy.
He drones and I draw in my note book, he is saying nothing that I don't know and I can see Mercedes nodding off. "Ms. Berry, tell us what you think of Juliet's decision to kill herself." I look up, startled, but quickly recover.
"Her decision? I think it was quite stupid honestly. She was young and in love yes, but if everyone died when their lover died... can't really agree, Sir." I lean forward in my seat, knowing he was going to fight me. I was ready.
"Really? Why?" He inquires, humoring me with his eyebrows raised. I decide I would give him an argument that proved my reasoning.
"Well, how did she know that he really did love her? What if it was all a lie?" I started, my brain working to prove my argument, when Jesse pops into my head. We were classic Romeo and Juliet, huh? He was from a rival team and then betrayed me. I wanted to die of embarrassment. "If he really loved her, he wouldn't have done that, he would have left her alone."
"Alone? But they are meant to be together. They were in love, and, as you kids say: whipped. How is that so horrible?" He fires back, starting to get into the debate. I roll my eyes, at him, at the play, at everything, getting riled up as well.
"Well, first things first- says who? The writer? Shakespeare obviously had no intentions of leaving them together- he killed them and most of the cast, so in what way are they meant to be? If Romeo had stayed away, had left her alone, she could have been with Paris and probably lived a long life, maybe lacking passion or maybe she would grow to love him- we don't know, but most likely, nothing would have harmed her. Romeo wouldn't have turned her world all around, basically- no, seriously, killing her in the end." I fold my arms across my chest, daring him to challenge me.
"But they loved each other- how can one live without passion, Ms. Berry?"
"If Romeo did in fact really love her, he would have stayed far away, because he knew Juliet was trouble yet he still went to her, corrupted her. Let's face it, love is horrible! He would have broken up with her sooner or later probably-"
"Ms. Berry!" The teacher explodes at the front of the room.
"He was poison to a young girl who was easily impressionable- and let's face it, it was lust not love. Love doesn't work in 4 days- you can't fall in love at first sight, its arousal and attraction, lust brewing and dangerous. Juliet didn't die- it was murder." I found myself standing up and challenging the teacher, who had gone red in the face. I clear my throat and rub my hands against my skirt. "Just answering your question." I slid back in my desk and went back to doodling in my notebook. This day couldn't get any better. The rest of the hours pass in a blur after that as lunch time came around.
I walk into the lunch room and decide that I wasn't hungry- but I also don't want to face Mercedes yet. She was present for my outburst in class and I knew she would question me in Glee anyway, so avoided the Glee table's sight and went to the bleachers, instead. The air was cold and turned my cheeks reds red, probably- but I didn't turn it away. I didn't mind the cold wind today- cooling me down. Everything was getting worse and I felt like I was falling into a pit of snakes.
Footsteps came up the bleachers and I note that it is Finn. He sits behind me, instead of beside me. The silence was comfortable but then he opens his mouth. I was certainly on edge today.
"Did I piss you off, again?" he asks, his voice sounding strained. I sigh at his self-consciousness, even though I know I was self-conscious a lot, it just didn't make sense for the football captain to be. It was a prejudice, sure, but he literally had girls falling at his feet and boys wishing to be him.
"I woke up late, Finn. I'm not mad at you." I say as I began to stand for the walk back to the school. Lunch has 5 minutes left.
I walk past his seat and feel his fingers, large and gruff, close over my wrist. I don't yell at him or shake him off, I look back at him. "Could we start over?" he asks me in a small voice, smaller than I've ever heard him. He is putting his pride on the line. Because that's the price of dating me: his pride.
"Let's not do this today." I reply, genuinely not wanting to talk about it. My head hurt and today was no good. "We can't forget what happened, it will always be there."
He sighs deeply, letting me go. I turn toward him, wanting to wrap my arms around him but I don't. Those are feelings that I can no longer feel. "Finn, when you broke up with me, I couldn't stop crying. But now, I finally stopped." I said, shrugging my shoulders, trying to get him to understand me but of course, he didn't.
"What does that mean?" his voice laced with confusion that mirrors his expression.
"It means that you aren't my Romeo, you're my Paris." I say, walking away from him.
The heat of the school warms me up as I head to my locker. I need to get the science book out because of lab day. A piece of paper flutters out and falls to the ground and I stomp down so it won't go anywhere, finishing switching my binders and folders. I close my locker, and bend down to retrieve the paper. I really want to unfold it here but decide to wait until I am in class.
I put my stuff on my desk and take out the slip as I sit down. It could have come from Finn, who put it in my locker before lunch, thinking I'd take him back. Or even Santana, Quinn, probably not Brittany, just to insult me. I open it: VA Auditorium. 5:00. Come alone. It falls from my hands, I sit there confused, until someone bends down to pick it up, and once more I stomp my foot on it, looking up to see Finn standing with his permanent confused expression.
"What is it?" he asks, pointing to my shoe.
"A simple scrap of paper," I reply, using my best acting to sound nonchalant. He nods and goes to his desk. I breathe out and then pick it back up, stuffing it inside my pocket. Was it already that time of the year again? Scare tactic to ruffle the rival teams. Vocal adrenaline is at it again it seems.
Mercedes stops me outside of Glee. Her look was like a mother to child, refusing to budge until the truth falls. I take her arm, and lead her into the room, to the back of the class. I sit down and sigh. She sits beside me, waiting for my explanation, but I just sit. "Okay, Rach. Something is up, you never pass up a chance to talk about yourself," she says looking at me. I hand her my slip of paper and her hand flies up to her mouth, eyes wide as she reads it over. Her eyes shifting back and forth and then the annoyance leaks in, "not this stuff again? Who gave it to you?" she asks, looking at me.
"I found it in my locker," I say with a shrug.
"Are you going?"
"Yes," I said taking the slip back and putting it into my binder.
"Why? What if they try to funkify you?" she asks, trying to put reason into my head.
"Cedes, I have thought about this over and over again. They have no reason to. They aren't in our competition circle. Plus, I'm curious," I add, finally looking at her, "aren't you?"
"Curiosity killed the cat," she shoots back.
"Satisfaction brought it back." I say icily. A hand lays on my arm and I look up, her green eyes burning into mine.
"Can I go with you?" I nod my head. If I was going onto their turf, I want it to be by my rules, but I also knew there was a reason for the need for such secrecy.
"I don't know, Rach." Cedes says, trying to dissuade Quinn and I from going.
"Trust me; I know how these people play. Plus, I have a plan." I said in all confidence. I wasn't the girl they last saw throwing insults over their shoulders with me covered in egg anymore. I know saw how cruel people could be.
Quinn climbs into my range rover without me inviting her in but, oh well. We take my car because we know it will blend in. New Direction don't understand why I got one, but they don't need to- it's not their car. The drive takes an hour but we arrive and begin the infiltration, if you can call it that. We were invited, well I was. Finding the auditorium is easy for me, I've been here. Quinn eyes me, not knowing that I have been here before, but again, she doesn't need to know. My life and hers are not close enough to be considered friends.
We come to the double doors and I open one quietly and wave her up the stairs that lead to the balcony area of the auditorium. Theirs is quite bigger than ours, their whole school is larger. I walk down the aisle until I get to the bars, standing clear in view, not caring, but Quinn sits down in the shadows. I see Vocal Adrenaline gathered at the bottom, Sunshine's talking.
"You shouldn't have done this!" she whines and I get curious. Maybe it's because this day royally sucks and I'm just done, or maybe it's because I'm genuinely curious, but I lean on the bar, staring at them, wondering if they'll notice me, putting myself so far out there, even Quinn chides me.
"Listen, Sunny," a girl says, sneering, "She's better than you and with what we did to her, she could end you worse than sending you to a freaking crack house!" I remember her now, Andrea. The lead, well, probably ex-lead, now that Sunshine is here.
"Well, I'm the lead and who sends somebody to a Crack House?" Sunshine whines again. I grimace at the memory, not one of my best moments.
"It was dormant!" another chimes in, out of sight. "I can't believe she's late. Rachel is never late," a guy voice says, it was strangely familiar.
"Maybe she was too scared to come?" Sunshine says and I feel a bit offended.
"Can you shut up?" Andrea whirls on her.
I look back at Quinn, away from the fighting downstairs, "Should I go in?" I ask her, raising my eyebrow. She shrugs in response. I look back down then, waiting some more. I don't know what this was about, but being called her puts me on my toes. I don't have business with them anymore, now that my only connection has left town- there is no reason to call me out. I'm about to descend the stair case when the argument continues.
"She was naïve then, now she couldn't be." I realized that I had missed a part of the conversation. "It had to have taught her something." Andrea spits at Sunshine.
"I actually do know that she is more cunning and ruthless than what she appears like in those awful outfits. I mean, look at what she did to Sunshine. That was total Vocal Adrenaline." I don't know why but I felt a surge of pride and at the same time insulted- what was wrong with my outfits? Quinn chuckles behind me and I turn a glare her way and suddenly I feel like me again, I finally stand taller and don't feel like a mess.
"Umm, Andrea . . . ? Guys?" Sunshine squeaks, looking up at me. I stare back, my best show face on, not a happy one either. I feel pride surge through me, my eyes hardened, and my face set. I wasn't going to cower in front of this group again. I proved to them why New Direction was better, and maybe I was in my own personal funk right now. Maybe I was hurting more from my break up than I thought, but that isn't a part of this. This is separate, this is about me and Vocal Adrenaline, about returning what I've received. I am not the girl who was egged and I am not the girl beat them onstage. I am Rachel Berry and I will not be had.
"What, Sunny?" A guy answers and I suddenly remember that voice that is so familiar. I want to shake, in fear, in anticipation but I don't. Even if it sends a surge of something through me. I won't give in. I won't. I feel beside me suddenly- they were somewhat friends, even she should know his voice. I felt tethered suddenly, but I want to refuse it. He was not my Romeo. He was nothing.
Andrea turns to look at her and then turns to look at me. Others follow her, but not him, he stays in his own shadows. Some members gasp at my theatrical entrance and probably at the fact that I even showed up.
Andrea smiles and starts talking, "You could join us."
"Dramatic entrances are kind of my thing," I finally let my voice ring out, "and so are exits," I say, tapping my finger to my chin, letting them know I would walk out at any time, "so what do want?" I get to the point quickly. Vocal Adrenaline was a competitive place, hard to survive if you weren't willing to cut some throats, New Direction was the opposite, all about hand holding and acceptance, well, some-what. I'm somewhere in the middle of both. I'm competitive enough to send Sunshine to a crack house, and yet soft enough to apologize and feel bad.
I eye the members below my feet, "one, two..." I count aloud, pointing along at Sunshine and Andrea, then nothing. I cock my head to the side. Here you have to be cold, unreasonable. I know how to survive in this tundra. I know how to be mean and how to work the crowd- maybe it's because I can feel heartbreak inside me as I wait for him to stand up, for him to come into my view. I want to see him too- as much as I hate it. I can hate myself- I already do. It's how I can fit in here, better that at my Glee Club and I hate that. These are my enemies, I remind myself.
Andrea looks ahead of herself, catching onto what I am getting at. "Never mind about him, we have something to ask you. Come down here." Andrea says. I look at them skeptically, to curious to stay up in the balcony any longer. I turn and nod to Quinn, who takes out her phone, to record. I take my time going back down the stairs, taking minute for myself. He's here. Jesse is here, waiting just around the corner. I don't know why he is here- he should be in sunny California, bathing in the sun with pretty girls. I place my hand over my heart, slowing my breathing and waiting for the pattering to stop.
I have to calm down if I'm to beat them at their own game, and then I grin. I leave the auditorium, going through the hallways. I have to win, right? I open the practice room door, where all their backpacks are piled up and then through another, entering the backstage and then through the curtains, and I'm sitting on stage, waiting for them to realize I'm not the girl that got pelted with eggs. I'm above them. I know more theatrics than the Great Barbra thanks to these people. I will win today.
They keep looking at doors, not even noticing me, but still waiting for me to enter. I meet his eyes though and he's grinning at me, his eyes knowing. He tilts his head, looking at me with this feeling... I don't want this. My heart races again and I can feel my cheeks flush- it's just the lights- you need sunscreen up here, remember? I close my eyes and breathe. I have to keep my wits. I hear Sunshine startle and I open my eyes, staring her down. "So what do you want?"
They all turn around at my voice, Andrea laughs, understandingly, though what she understands about me, I don't know. This is all a mask- I'm not this cold person, though I can be her. "We need you," I wonder how much that sentence kills her. "Sunny isn't cutting the job and Goldsby doesn't like my voice, but our assistant director wants you."
"It seems everyone is wanting me nowadays." I fake and raise my eyebrows, unimpressed. They all look at one another, waiting for an explanation I won't give. I'm tired suddenly of being this hateful girl and all I want is to slip into comfy clothes and watch a long marathon of something mind-numbing- but I have to win, for New Direction.
I look behind them, to him sitting in the chairs, waiting for me to slip so he can take me back- but he's too late, there's nothing here. Ugh, I'm so confused today. I stand up, going to the stairs to leave, my show face faltered and he saw it. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios, but nothing compares to the real thing. His hair is the same, still dresses in black, the signature smirk and all. He knows I'm bolting and slides into the aisle to stop me. He is so close now, standing her and I'm here and he smells good, familiar, like coffee and sweat which seem like a horrible combination but it's not. I hate him.
"I think it's time we explain." He says, looking at me.
"Oh, trust me, I think I've put it together." I respond, ice coating my voice. Quinn appears behind him and jingles my keys. I nod, rubbing my temples. I'm so out of character. "I'm sure I can get a ride home." I say and while others are confuse, we three aren't. No one else matters right now and I look straight at Jesse.
"Where's the trust, Berry?" He says his smirk not reaching his eyes as Quinn backs out, knowing this personal moment isn't for anyone's eyes. He shoos the rest of the team, and I hear their footsteps retreating. I can finally drop all pretense and now I'm just tired.
"Trust? Who? You? The people who egged me or the jerk who broke my heart? I know you guys want something, most likely me, leaving New Direction and Finn," He glares down now, "and coming here, right? Is your title in jeopardy?"
"Yes." He says it simply.
"I don't want to." I walk past him and outside the auditorium, I start to shake. I hear the door open behind me.
"I'll take you home."
We walk to his car in silence. He opens the door for me and even though I fight it, a part of me is happy to see him. It wants to relax in his presence and cave to him- maybe not switching schools but just him. "So, you want me on Vocal Adrenaline." I say when he settles in and turns on the car. He nods. "That's going to be a problem- I have friends in New Directions, we are in the competition, and we won't fail out this time." I said with reason in my voice.
He shakes his head, "You look at it as what you're leaving, but look at it as what you're gaining." Jesse says, focusing on backing out of the lot.
"Okay, what would I gain? Let me think," I say, "No bullying, but what else?" I shrug.
"You'd be the lead, talent appreciated, no bullying, and no name calling, friends who are like you and love some competition," He replies.
"Your offer is seriously tempting," I say with zero feeling, "but I have to get New Directions past Regional's. They need me more." I look at Jesse, I don't know how it happened but I knew I would forgive him; he was like me. I lean my head back and stare up, then surprise. "These are still around." I wonder at the two gold stars stuck to his roof. "It was supposed to represent you and me, on the top of the world," I say in a small voice.
"I couldn't bear to take them off, it was a piece of you that could keep, without being criticized about going soft," he replies. I raise my hand and brush my fingers over them.
"How can you be co-coach if your college is out of state?" I ask looking at him. His jaw tightens, the hand that was on the steering tightens, and his voice is very controlled.
"I flunked out." I gasp and look at him, without thinking I grab his hand resting on the console. Some things are hard to break. I knew, in his family, how it must be if he flunked out. His dad must be furious and his mom...
"Jesse..." I trail off, not knowing what to say. He holds my hand in return, squeezing it for reassurance. "I forgive you," I don't know if I really do, but it's a ll I can think of to say.
"You shouldn't, you don't know the whole story," With a sad gleam in his eye, he looks at me for a moment.
"From what I gather you and Shelby were at Sectionals, you basically told me you were, there in the music store, and with Shelby wanting to meet me it was the perfect dramatic setup. Then from there you started "The Acting Exercise." We had good times, but we both knew I was hung up on Finn and you were hung up on yourself- I mean, your talent," he laughs, "so you switched schools, your team thinking you did this because you loved me, Shelby knowing you did because it was all part of a master plan. I guess everything got all mixed up at the "Run, Joey, Run" fiasco. You left, I was heartbroken, because, though you might not want to hear it, I loved you. So at this point we have a distraught damsel, an egotistical confused boy, a boy who wants his ex back, and a waiting mother. Have I missed anything yet?" I ask looking over at him, his eyes were wide, but he reclaimed his composure and shook his head.
We were at my house now, but I nod and continue explaining the whole story, which, though I hate, I understand, "Okay, so you comeback, wanting to finish this," I gesture between us, "because you feel you're starting to be the role, not the actor. You felt jealous at the RJR Fiasco and now you want it over with because, well, you are Jesse St. James," I smirk, "anyway, you return, the heartbroken damsel is healed and happy with her prince, but Shelby is also hurrying you, so you put down the plan, slip the tape into the box, force me to listen, and then we sneak into rehearsal, me just wrapping your plan up and making it less work for you. Now all that's left is for you to tie up 2 more loose ends: New Directions and me. So you perform with VA, basically throwing our relationship away, but I don't think VA bought it. So now you have to sell the entire performance. But you're not the actor anymore, you are the role. But that doesn't mean anything to your team, so you egged me. The End." I'm still staring at him, but my eyes lost focus, I have to adjust my vision to look at him properly again. His eyes harbored pain, resentment, loathing, regret, and love.
"Come eat dinner." I say as I get out of his car. He hesitates, "We have to start from somewhere. I get what and why you did what you did. I don't like it- I don't even know if I like you, to be honest," He nods, "but I don't want it like that, so come eat."
"You're wrong about one part," He stops me on the porch as I reach for the door, "I still love you." I don't know how to reply to that so I just walk inside. All the lights are off and I know, they left again. Dads have gone away. I slip off my shoes and walk into the kitchen where a note rest by the plate of fake fruit.
Gone on Caribbean Cruise, money in the drawer, love you!, yeah... love you guys too.
I sit on the stool by the counter. Since I became old enough to take care of myself, Dads have been leaving on trips and tours around the world. They don't bother to ask me about it or how it makes me feel. This time they'll be gone for 6 weeks. Most girls would dream this. Alone with a guy they are attracted to, with no chance of interruption, but for me- this is hell. My Dads leave and I'm just supposed to take care of myself, not caring. I lay my head in my hands, feeling his hand on my back.
"My own Dads don't even want to see me- why would Vocal Adrenaline want me?" I know I'm whining but how can I not? I won't let people see me weak and cry, not usually- but Jesse isn't other people, he's just like me.
"I know your worried about the offer and all the," I'm actually not, "but lets not focus on it, okay? I'll cook us dinner and we can watch a movie- like old times?" I laugh with no emotion but I don't stop him.
I wake up against Jesse's chest, laid out on the couch on top of him, his arms around me. It's still dark outside but the movie has stopped playing. If my dads walked in- oh yea, they're gone. I don't shift or move. His chest rises and falls and there is so much comfort in it. I missed him. I close my eyes again, trying to push it all away except him. I can do that right? I can do that and still be a good member- I'm not betraying anyone, right? "Are you going to wake up?" He mumbles, voice full of sleep. His hand finds my hair, pushing it out of his face and the playing with it like I like.
I shake my head and nuzzle deeper. "I don't want to." His chest rumbles with a chuckle and he flips us so I'm laying beside him, instead of on him.
"You're heavy, Berry." I shrug, not bothering to open my eyes. "Why don't you respond?" he questions me. I look up at him, his blue eyes concerned, "Are you okay, Rach?"
"I don't know how I would leave them. What would I say, do? I finally have friends." I say- what am I thinking? I'm against this one hundred percent, but I'm tired of being alone. He sits up, running a hand through his hair that has gone flat during the night.
"What? Rach- what?" He's completely confused.
"I don't want to be alone anymore, Jesse." I look at him- we're both alone, huh?
"Well, if they are the friends they claim to be then they will forgive you." He replies, reason going through his head- he knows he can't mess this up- but there's something else, a desire. I wonder if it's purely me?
"Yeah, but Kurt transferred for safety, they would see my transfer as everything else I do: For me, myself, and I."I sighed and curl into him.
"Then they aren't your friends." He wraps his arms around me. "Here's what I can promise, Rach. I will help you, I will be here, and I won't leave you." I nod at his determined words. Just wanting him to stay with me.
"Can we go back? Back to our old relationship? But this time let it be real, no false pretenses?" I asked my voice strong, but I am weak. I can't do this anymore- I need him beside me again. Finn always looked down on me, seeing me as his girlfriend at the cost of everything else, but when Jesse looks at me, it's like he sees just me, strange outfits and all, though I really don't see whats wrong with my clothes. He looks at me but doesn't reply, just pulling me back into him.
"Take it slow, Rach. I feel like I just pulled you back from a cliff." Maybe he did, but I don't say that.
I wake up at my usual time, just because I decided to open a new chapter with Jesse doesn't mean my schedule should change. So I change in to exercise clothes and start up my day.
Jesse is still asleep when I come back down the stairs, our late night talk taking most of his energy plus the practice with Vocal Adrenaline. I look at him and smile before heading to the kitchen for my shake and making Jesse some coffee.
My phone goes off on the counter and I rush to shush it, hitting answer without even checking it. I place my ear to it, putting coffee grounds in the filter. "Hello?" My voice is hushed.
"We need to figure out the songs for Regional's. Have you written any?" The voice on the other end asks, not wasting anytime.
"I have one, I'm working on another," I say moving to sit down in a chair at the bar.
"Are they good, or do they suck?" He sounds wary.
"I think they are spectacular."
"Listen, you want me to pick you up? Quinn said she had your Rover?" I startle, does he know Jesse took me home? Will New Direction rise up against me again?
"That would be very sweet, but no thank you." I say, "I'll see you at school." I hang up and Jesse wanders into the kitchen, an arm find me, his lips placing a peck on my head.
"Who was that?" He asks, staring at the coffee dripping, moving around me.
"Finn. He wants the songs I'm writing," I place my smoothie on the counter as Jesse pours himself coffee- I don't get how he drinks it black. "Can you drive me?" He bobs his head in assurance and I grin. I shouldn't get used to this.
Jesse pulls into McKinley's parking lot and I see Finn standing by his truck. "Why isn't he inside? It's freezing." I ask absently to no one.
"Probably waiting for you." Jesse grits his teeth together. Huh. He pulls up, next to the curb, and turns to me. "See you later?" He asks and I nod.
It's Saturday and Glee club has to practice and since I'm captain, I definitely have to be present, "I'll be free after 2:30." I stare at Jesse for a moment, not sure if I should kiss him or not. He didn't reply when I asked to get back together though I feel a lot better now, I still want him by my side. Instead, I kiss his cheek and leave it at that. I hop out and wave goodbye and he drives off.
"I thought Quinn had your Rover?" Finn calls to me as he realizes my existence on the cub of the school.
"She does. See?" I assure as I point to my Rover pulling into the school parking lot, the blonde heading the wheel.
"Whose car was that, then?" He waves after it as I barely see it on the hill. I avoid the question by walking over to Quinn to retrieve my keys. She looks at me, wondering how it went last night but I just smile, holding out my hands. We walk past Finn together, though silence covers us like the snow on the ground.
"Hey, whose Rover was that?" He asks me, chasing us down. "I know it's not your dads, so whose car was it?" He keeps going.
"Finn, chill out. I'm not you're girlfriend anymore, so don't worry." Quinn smirks, not needing to know anymore now.
"Mr. Shue!" I call out as my hand shoots into the air. He snaps his head back to look at me.
"Yes, Rachel?" He asks.
"I was wondering, before you announce the songs for finals, if I could make an announcement." I ask. He rubs his hand on back of his neck and then waves me forward. I stand in front of them, wondering if this is the right decision. "Yesterday, I got a message from Carmel High, asking to meet." I watch their reactions and continue on, "It seems that their current member line up isn't working and they decided to offer me a position if I switch schools." I tell them, even Quinn looks shocked. Then riots. Finn stands up and so does Kurt, both yelling at me for being stupid enough to go. Mercedes turns on Quinn, asking her if it was true. The others reacting their own way but Mr. Shue stares at me.
"And so?" He asks, "are you going?" Everyone shuts up and turns, staring me down, wondering if I'll leave them. How do I answer when I don't even have one.
"Tell them the rest, Rachel," Quinn pipes up, staring me down.
I know what she wants me to say and I do, "Jesse is leading them now."
"That's who dropped you off!" Finn's eyes shine with recognition. "You know we can't condone this!" He yells, "You've been through this once- are you that stupid?" He sneers- jealousy pilling up on his shoulders, turning him green.
"I don't believe that my relationship has anything to do with the Glee club or yourself." I say, my voice small. This is what I was afraid of. I glare at Quinn.
"If you haven't forgotten your my girlfriend-"
"I'm you ex-girlfriend and I can my own choice whether it's staying here or leaving." I bristle, this is exactly it- this commanding atmosphere like Glee Club is my be-all and end-all, like my life doesn't exist without it. Like I'm owned by this. My goal is to be on stage but at the cost of needy, teenagers asking for me to devote my life to a club that I'll be in for another year before graduation, when they live theirs?
"You got fooled by the player- the traitor, and now look." Finn says, heading this ridiculous campaign.
Quinn speaks up, eyes boring into mine, "Listen closely to how this story ends, Rachel: you will be left heartbroken again, the only difference is whether eggs are involved or not."
I nod my head, and they settle but I can't lose like this, I won't be beaten down again, "You guys talk as if I'm am replaceable but yet demand me to give myself completely to Glee Club like its the only thing keeping us afloat." They glare at me, "As a lot of you claim, I'm not the champion of this club: I quit." I grab my purse and walk away, silence echoing all around me. No one pulls me back or chases me down, even though some think it's the end if I leave, they won't admit they need the girl who won't bow down. I won't bow down.
"So, what now?" Jesse asks me, brushing my hair out of my face. We lay out on the couch, my laying on his lap, facing the TV as Newsies play.
"Well, they usually start begging me to come back a day after I quit but I might just transfer," I explain, I can tell he thinks it was his fault. "You know that this fight has been building up right? None of what happened today is your fault." I push myself up to look at him but his eyes are stormy, "Hey, drama prince," I say, reaching my hand up to make him look at me but he stands up, walking away toward the kitchen. I watch him as he carves a path, paceing around.
He turns with a fire burning up his eyes, "Why do you let them be like that? That's your club- you should fight back!" He insists and I laugh, stopping his rant before it can even start.
"Do you remember lectures in history back in junior high?" I ask him, "we were taught about how people started making colonies, steering their ships toward America, Canada, and Mexico but it took a long time- like months and years." He stares me down, "and so to keep the crew from rioting, from taking control the captains forged dates, making it look like the voyage took less than the actual time, but some captain weren't luck, they crew didn't see eye to eye or maybe some were smart enough to figure it out and the captains were cast aside."
"Mutiny," he whispers.
"Glee club isn't a ship but it can certainly seem like one and Finn turned them all against me when he realized I wasn't going back to him. I left a place I'm not wanted- is glee club my pride? Yes, of course. I crafted that club from the ground up- I made it what it was with the help of my members but they don't want me and I don't want to stay in a place that wants to suffocate me." We stop the conversation there, him calming down after realizing what the situation was- I wasn't running, but being pushed out and I wasn't going to him because he was there, but because I want him here.
He slides into bed around 11, content just staying with me while my Dads are gone. He says his parents aren't excited about his presence right now and it's probably better that he stay away. I feel bad when he says that. I know his mom loves him and babies him to death, for her to ignore him... I bet her heart is hurting too, but I let him stay with me- I needed him too.
Nationals are over and so is my stint at McKinley, it looks like. So, I went back to the club because I knew I couldn't let it fail when I was so close. It wasn't for my members, it was because I treasured what I made and yet, I would be making it fall- not my group though, theirs. Now it's me, running out of the green room and into Jesse's waiting arms.
I squeal as he spins me around, clinging to his neck for dear life as my stomach made flips. I don't know when we became official. We never changed our Facebook but he's been with me every night for the last month, Dads are coming home soon and then he'll leave but maybe I'll be with him, too, at Carmel. He has been updating them about my decision as time passes and Goldsby is over the moon, ready to make me his little star.
"You finally did it." He says as he sits me down on my feet, I give him a weird look, "You found it. The pain and put it into words, you're a songwriter now." He kisses my forehead, always my head, never my lips. Though we are dating, his pact to take it slow hasn't changed. "I knew you could do it." He pulls me in close, his scent calming my beating heart, still racing from the performance.
Quinn clears her throat behind us and then asks to speak to Jesse for a minute. I raise my eyebrows at him but don't move to stop him. As they talk, Finn comes up to me, his head bent.
"I'm sorry, Rach." He apologizing for the first time since the auditorium.
"For?" I prod.
"For being a jerk. I just... I didn't want to see you hurt or with someone else. I kinda love you, you know?" I nod, understanding what he is saying. We walk away from Jesse and Quinn to have our own conversation.
"I get that I hurt you with Jesse, but I'm happy now, Finn. That song was thanks to him. He's the reason the club move forward." I choose my words carefully, because I don't know if I'll be with them when it does. Finn nods along and then cracks a joke and I feel a friendship return. Not what it once was, it can't ever be that again. I didn't feel the love that he hangs onto but I let go of the hate. I can't keep that next to my heart if I want to move forward or I'll never let them go.
I part ways with Finn when Kurt comes to fetch him, he glares at me- still not over the fact that I refused to break up with Jesse. Quinn and Jesse are still deep in their conversation and I don't mean to do it, but I hide, curious.
"That doesn't make me feel any better." He scoffs, looking straight at her.
"Not my concern. You know there will always be that," be what? What are they talking about? "They're best friends; he was who she turned to before you. We can't undo that. If they're meant to be in the end, we won't be able to stop it." Quinn finishes taking a swig of her water, hiding disappointment in her eyes.
"I will be with her," Jesse looks away from her, toward the hall I disappeared down, "and you'll be with whoever you can control." I bite back a laugh.
"Rachel isn't that bad, well, not when you're trying to knock sense into her head." She replies, though I don't know why.
"So are you two friends, now?" I hear him ask her and decide to make myself known- I shouldn't be doing this. I walk over to them and link my hands though his arm.
"Friends? Not quite." I laugh, "but I don't hate her." I offer a smile of friendship and Quinn doesn't respond.
"We're cool," she says as Jesse notices me eyeing his water, handing it over to me.
"Was it all that talking?" I grin at his joke and Quinn walks away.
"Not quite, mostly the singing," I reply, finishing with a refreshing sigh.
"Mom?" I said over the phone, Jesse's eyes were glued to me like a hawk. We sat in my kitchen, days left before my Dads came home.
"Rachel?" Her voice was surprised and I heard crying in the background. Beth. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, waiting for the nerves to pass. Yes, she has a new daughter, but maybe she wants me too. "I have been trying to reach you," Her voice is breathless and I hope it's for me and not because she's exhausted. Jesse squeezes my thigh hoping that I'm not going overboard.
"I know. Can I come over?" I ask, hoping I wasn't setting myself up for rejection.
"What's wrong?" She asks me and I think for the first time, I feel the warmth of motherly concern.
I break down right there, crying so much Jesse has to take the phone and explain what has happened.
The next day, I find myself at school, turning in paperwork, Mom talks to the principle as I sit with Beth. It's a bit strange that my new sister is my club-mates daughter and that soon, I'll be living with her. She coos as the toys on her seat swing back and forth. Mom comes out and we leave, all finished.
Instead of following them outside though, I ask her to wait and try my chances.
"Mr. Shue?" I say, knocking on his office door. He looks up from the paper he was grading, tiredness written all over his face.
"Come on in, Rachel. How can I help you?" He puts the papers to the side and folded his hands together, looking every bit of a teacher. He smiles at me as I take the seat across from him.
"I have something to tell you." I say, as I hold my head high.
"Guys, we have some sad but important news." Mr. Shue stands at the front of the room, after messaging all the members to the school. Mom left, to go put Beth down for her nap, Jesse would pick me up soon enough. "Rachel has decided to transfer schools to live with her mother." I feel the looks on me and Mr. Shue continues on and eventually wraps it up, "so, Rachel?" I take the space he occupied and look out at my fellow members.
"I'm sorry to leave right after we won, but I feel this is the right move for me now." I say, confident. No one raised their voice at me, no one fought me. It was strange but there was mutual understanding. We all sat around and talked and sang, saying goodbye to me.
Jesse arrives to pick me up and I go willingly. "See you all at Regionals." I quip, letting my voice get competitive, installing a new rivalry. They all react in kind and we share laughs and then I leave, but not on bad terms.