Aztec Goddess: Whoo! I'm almost getting quick again!

Timeline: This chapter takes place during the previous chapter.

Flame versus Albino

Zolfy made it back to Devil's Nest safely since Scar, er, Fez and Lust were nowhere in sight. And, yes, he was planning on reenlisting into the military since being a pretend bartender was already getting boring. Plus, most chimeras were unhappy with the fact that he only made drinks for himself.

"You took longer than usual," Marta glared at the Crimson Alchemist. She was the one tending to the bar at the moment. "Call it women's intuition; I think while you were gone you accepted the opportunity to screw us over by going back to the military."

Zolf was in awe. "You're a woman?" Marta threw an empty beer bottle, which barely missed him but hit another random customer and knocked him out. But since he has no significance to the story, he remains ignored and unconscious.

"What's more shocking is that you aren't," Marta spat.

Dorochet and Roa were sitting at the counter, giggling and agreeing that Zolf and Marta act like an old, confused, married couple. Marta shot a glare at them and they quickly shut up because last time they fought with her, she beat the crap out of them.

Zolf looked around and noticed that there were fewer women around and that was very odd since it was the afternoon. "Where'd Greed go?" he asked.

Dorochet and Roa were afraid to speak, so they just looked at Marta for her to answer. She explained, "We bet Greed that he doesn't know how to be romantic, so he did something crazy: he's taking just one girl out on a date before taking her to bed."

"Holy crap, that is crazy," Zolf replied indifferently. "When he comes back, tell him I congratulate him for being so daring." Then he started for the bedrooms out back.

"Why can't you tell him yourself? Where are you going?" Marta suspiciously inquired.

"To bed. Sorry, but you're not invited."

"Aw, you just can't live on without rereading your little kiddy book," Marta mocked.

Zolf held his fairy tale book closely and protectively like a mother. He has yet to let go of it. "You're still thinking of stealing my bookie, aren't you? Well, I'll put it in words you can understand:" Zolf stuck his tongue out and hissed like a snake, then ran for dear life to his room, dodging another empty beer bottle.

"So, what'd he say?" Dorochet asked Marta.

Marta gave Dorochet a disappointed look since he really believed Zolf spoke snake. So she told the part-dog chimera, "Go take a leak outside."

Meanwhile, outside, not too far at Yock Island, Greed was with his slutty girlfriend-of-the-day. He figured what could be more romantic than just the two of them rowing to an uninhabited island? Yes, it was like one of those hot novellas; them rolling around on the seashore, making out, sand getting everywhere, and – what the hell? Where did that naked little boy come from?

Greed and his girlfriend stopped like deer in headlights. The mood was killed so Greed got off his girlfriend, then he asked her, "Is that kid yours?"

The naked little boy just stared at them, confused, wondering if it would be safe to come closer. The girlfriend stared back and replied, "Um, I don't think he's mine . . . Wait, how long have we been here? I know it takes nine months . . ."

Wow, she actually made Greed consider getting a girlfriend with a brain. He ignored his girlfriend's comment and waved at the mysterious little nudist. "Hey, you! Where'd you come from?" This intimidated the little boy, so he backed away a couple of steps. "Don't ignore me! Come here!" Greed sounded mad to the little boy, so he got scared and ran into the forest.

Greed ditched his girlfriend, whom was still wondering whether she had been pregnant or not, and he chased after the boy. As they ran, Greed noticed the ouroboros on his foot, which motivated him even further to catch him. Greed dove and fell on top of the boy, which kinda scared the crap out of him. The boy screamed and used alchemy, merging his arms with the ground. He was stuck.

"Ah! What'd you do to me?" the boy cried. Greed found this as his opportunity to check the boy's foot to make sure that it was the ouroboros.

"So you are a homunculus," Greed mused. "But why are naked and stuck on an island? Is Dante even more of a bitch nowadays? Damn . . ." Greed got up and held up a hand. "Can you get up?"

The boy calmed down so his arms were freed from the ground. He got up with Greed's help. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

Greed rubbed his chin. "You must be new if you don't know anything." He shrugged. "Oh, well. There's really nothing important you need to know. Let's just figure out a name for you, get you some clothes and, I dunno, just do as I say from now on."

"So you're my daddy?"

"Sure."

"Yay! I have a daddy now!" The boy gave Greed a hug.

Greed was trying to think of a name to give him. "Let's see . . . are you proud of yourself?"

"What's that mean?"

"Are you slow?"

"That's not nice!" The boy pouted.

"It's settled then! Your name's Wrath!"

"Yay! I have a name!"

Not even the name Wrath fits the boy, but then again, none of the options do. But it is an unwritten rule that homunculi must be named after the deadly sins . . . so would it be utter chaos if there were suddenly eight of them at the same time?

Anyway, back at Devil's Nest, Zolfy went into Greed's room instead of his own. Oh my goodness, he lied to Marta! Since Zolf knew Greed will be unhappy with him ditching, he decided to take the skull for his own protection. That way Greed would not be able to attack him.

Zolf blew up the safe in Greed's room, took the bag the skull was in, and put his bookie in there as well so he only had to carry one thing. Now that takes skills. But then he heard footsteps coming his way – loud, slow footsteps. It was another alchemist suspected as dead. "What are you doing in there, Crimson Alchemist?" Shou Tucker asked when he approached the opened door.

"I'm wanted back in the military, so I'm taking this as a memento of this place," Zolf replied, holding the bag up.

"Am I wanted back, too?" Shou asked hopefully.

"No, sorry, you're not wanted like me," Zolf said with a haughty smile. "But my leaving is a secret, so shh! Go back to wherever the hell you were. You're not easy on the eyes."

Shou sulked and went back to wherever the hell he was before. Zolf casually left Devil's Nest, easily avoiding the chimeras since they were busy with some new customers. As he headed to HQ he noticed that the civilians dashed back inside their houses when they spotted him. They must have figured out that he is the one who can force them to sing. Zolf was quite proud of the fear he invoked in the people.

Once the front door of HQ was in view, Zolf noticed another familiar thing nearby. A person whose sight brought back happy memories of Ishbal and exploding things and filing nails: Roy! The Flame Alchemist looked lost, scratching his head, indecisive on whether he should be going left or right. And then he looked scared shitless when he saw Zolf running up to him yelling, "Roy! I missed you!" Actually, Zolf had just now remembered Roy's existence.

Expecting to get blown up into little pieces, Roy's life flashed before his eyes. He saw himself sleeping on his desk and drooling on the paperwork, poking fun at Riza when her hair was short, sleeping on the train on his way to Ishbal, getting electrocuted when he chewed on a telephone wire when he was little, and sleeping again in various other places like a clothes hamper and under the kitchen table. What a fine life he remembers.

Roy's head and back were throbbing when his mental slideshow ended. Probably because he fell flat on the floor when Zolf jumped onto him. So Zolf was straddling Roy, sitting on his stomach and all Roy could think of saying was, "You – it's you! Y-you've gained weight."

Zolf crossed his arms. "That is so rude!"

"And sitting on me isn't?"

This was about the time Frank got off the phone with Gluttony and Pride. He went outside to see what the yelling was all about. And around the street corner came Cain with Black Hayate. Perfect timing, no? Black Hayate started barking. It seems as though he always barks when he sees a man on top of another man.

Frank was a bit stunned and his mind went back to thinking whore? Cain was afraid to ask, but he did: "Is this another one of your bizarre orders, Colonel?"

"Huh? No!" Roy tried to push Zolf off of himself. "Get off before other people–" There was a flash of light. Everyone turned to see a woman with a camera – the same tourist that took pictures of Fez.

"I've been looking for you guys everywhere!" the woman squealed. She got her camera ready for another picture. "Like no one in Central knew you guys came here! Oh, that was such an awesome picture!" Then she looked at Cain. "Cainy, could you pick Black Hayate up close to your face and smile? That'll be a really cute pic!"

"Um, okay . . ." Cain did as he was told, though he and the others were terribly confused. Who was this lady and how did she know them? This was Cain's first experience with a crazy fan . . . or a dangerous stalker. Either way, she gave him, Roy, and Zolf money before she ran off.

"What about me . . ." Frank said weakly.

Zolf got up, counted his money and pocketed it. Roy did too, and he answered Frank, "Why would she want to take pictures of ugly people?"

"Hey, that's verbal harassment right there!" Frank snapped. "I'll sue you–"

"When I'm Furher, you'll–"

"No, not this again," Frank mumbled, holding a hand up to quiet Roy. He turned to Zolf. "Let's go contact the real Fuhrer." He opened the front door of the headquarters.

Zolf took a step forward, then Roy stopped him. "No, don't listen to him!" He pointed a disgusted finger at Frank. "He's just going to use you for a promotion and I – I just don't like him."

"If you had a shot at another promotion, you'd do the same," Frank scoffed.

"But . . . I'd be nicer about it! And you know what? I should get the credit since I'm the one who literally caught him!"

"He wouldn't even be here if I didn't find him earlier!"

"You have no proof of that!" Roy turned to Cain. "Back me up! You didn't see him find this guy, did you?"

Cain shrank down, fearing Frank's angry look. "Why do I have to get involved?"

"That's right. It's just you two fighting over me," Zolf said, pointing to Roy and Frank. With them being distracted, Cain took this chance to get into HQ and away from them. "And the proper thing to do is to give you both a fair chance. So what we'll do is . . ."

First Cain went to his room because he was in desperate need of relieving himself. He basically walked Black Hayate all day all over South and hardly any women here agreed to leave their houses to kiss a sleeping stranger, even if he was a militant. As soon as Cain went into the bathroom, Black Hayate jumped onto his bed and took a nap.

"Our best bet is that girl Beatrice," Cain talked to himself. "She says she knows Jean, but what if she can't get time off of work any time soon? How much longer do we have . . . ?" Cain left the doggy alone in his room and went to find the others.

In Jean's room, Sheska was laying on the bed because she wanted to read The Crazy-Ass Fairy Book comfortably. Heymans was bored on the floor, doodling on pages of the checklist that were no use to them anymore. And Vato was taking a nap on the couch, so Jean was now on the floor. "Hasn't been much of a constructive day, huh?" Cain asked as he entered the room.

"The poor guy might be asleep forever," Heymans said, nudging Jean with his foot.

"Don't say that!" Cain insisted. "Someone else said she'd come over as soon as possible. It might not be today, though . . ."

"How much longer can he stay like this?"

Cain's gaze fell to his feet. "I dunno – I think the original Sleeping Beauty was asleep for a hundred years–"

"A hundred?" Sheska interrupted, putting the book down. "But, uh, was she a zombie when she finally woke up?"

"Well, there were fairies in that story too, so I don't know how much of it's true."

Sheska looked down at Jean. "It's been what, almost three days, and he's already not looking so well." She was right. Jean was pale as if from an illness and either Cain was getting stronger or Jean was loosing weight. It has to be the latter.

Cain tried to think of some form of help he could do, but his mind was blank. "So there's nothing to do right now?"

"You can try looking for something to waste the film on," Heymans suggested, motioning to the three cameras amongst the checklist. "That's what we did for a while."

Cain had nothing in mind to take a picture of, but he took a camera anyway and left. He needed something to pass the time. Maybe he should look for Riza and tell her that her little doggy eats like a cow and she should give him some money for babysitting him. He also wondered how Roy and Frank's argument went. And who was that guy he saw with a ponytail? He looks somewhat familiar like he was in some kind of newspaper about some kind of historical event. Cain shrugged it off. Maybe this guy was not that important.

When Cain turned the corner at a corridor, he heard a loud thump and some yelling. Roy and Frank must still be arguing. Feeling that he was missing something interesting, Cain quickened his pace towards the main entrance. Indeed, Roy and Frank were still arguing and they were now attacking each other with couch cushions. The loud thump probably came from the overturned couch.

Zolf was safely sitting crossed-legged on a desk, watching the fight in amusement. Then he noticed Cain and called over to him, "Hey you, take some pictures!" Cain, being ever so suggestible, did so and got a nice shot of Frank being hit by a cushion.

"So what's going on?" Cain asked as he walked towards Zolf.

"You bastard!" Frank shrieked at Roy. "There was a brick in that one!"

"No! Who'd put a brick in a cushion?" Roy yelled back. And to answer Roy's question: he did. That crafty little colonel.

Zolf answered Cain: "They're fighting over me! Isn't that adorable?" Cain's expression was blank, unsure what to think. Zolf continued, "And it's a fair fight, see? No alchemy or firearm."

The two fighting militants ditched the cushions and attacked each other head-on, scratching the other's face, pulling the other's hair. Frank shoved Roy and he fell on a table, breaking some flower pots and the table gave way under the weight. Roy threw a broken flower pot at Frank. All the while, Cain took pictures.

Frank ran for cover at another desk, then grabbed the phone nearby and threw it at Roy, whom was coming closer to him. Roy dove down so it missed. While he was down, he kicked that desk so it fell towards Frank and he fell backwards. Roy scurried backwards so he could grab the phone. Menacingly holding the receiver in one hand he yelled, "Death's calling you, you freakin' albino!"

Cain took another picture. "You think they'd really fight to the death?" he asked Zolf. Both of them were rather calm in this situation.

Zolf giggled. "Wouldn't that be funny? They're fighting for a promotion, but the killer will be kicked out of the military like me!"

Cain slowly and frightfully turned to look straight at Zolf. "What do you mean like you?"

Roy and Frank rolled around the room as Roy tried to bring the receiver down at Frank's face. Frank was holding Roy's arm back with one hand and with the other, he grabbed Roy's other arm and bit it. Roy screamed – but then everything was interrupted when the front door opened from outside. And in came Riza.

Riza, faking a calm demeanor, looked around the room to see how much was damaged. The only piece of furniture in its rightful place was the desk Zolf and Cain were at. Everything else was thrown about, overturned, or broken. Then she looked at Roy and Frank on the floor.

Roy put the phone down. "Uh, it's not what it looks like . . ."

"Oh, okay," Riza replied. "So you two haven't been destroying this room while carnivorously attacking each other and that isn't the Crimson Alchemist over there. I'm glad I haven't missed anything while I was gone."

Cain backed away from Zolf. "You're the – the Crimson Alchemist?" He backed away even further, shaking from fear. "The one who killed people on our side at Ishbal? The one who turns people into bombs?"

Zolf smiled and nodded. "Yep, that's me!"

Cain shrieked and ran to his room.

Riza rubbed her forehead. "I'm too tired to deal with any of this right now."

"What the hell do you have to be tired about?" Frank snapped. While he was distracted, Roy was fishing up some telephone wire.

"Fine, let's settle this now!" Riza snapped back. She was awfully grouchy about something. "Who's going to tell me what the hell's going on?"

Zolf raised his hand. "Ooh! Pick me!" Riza lowered her eyelids, pointed at Zolf, so he continued: "It was Frank's orders by the Furher to find me and he'd get a promotion once he did. But Roy's not happy with that, so to be fair to both of them they're fighting until one of them can't anymore and the winner will get the credit of bringing me here!"

"Can anyone tell me how that's fair?" Frank scoffed. Then Roy suddenly grabbed his arms and pulled them behind his back. "Hey, it's time-out, you freak!" Frank tried to wiggle away, but Roy was just about finished with tying his arms up with the telephone wire.

"No one called for a time-out!" Roy declared triumphantly. He stood up and stomped a foot on Frank's back. "This means I win! Ha!"

Frank tried to kick, and that was when he noticed Roy got his legs tied up, too. "When the hell'd you do this? You cheated somehow!"

"I congratulate you for your success, Colonel," Riza said sleepily, heading towards her room. "And since the Lieutenant Colonel is tied up now, I suppose you'll be doing all the cleaning yourself."

Roy took his first hard look at the destroyed room. "Damn . . . who did all this?"

"It was mostly you, Roy dear," Zolf answered.

"Oh . . . well, I'll get Sheska and the others on this job. Let's go find them." Roy headed to the rooms and Zolf followed.

"You bastards!" Frank yelled, unable to get up. "Don't just leave me here!"

"You're part of the trash they need to pick up!" Roy laughed.

Aww, the poor albino never wins.

Jean Havoc – unchanged

Aztec Goddess: I had a dream today. Zolfy was trying to cook a piece of meat on the floor with a match. It blew up and he was happy.