SunSurprise!Edward

Bella's inner monologue: So I will now describe SunSurprise!Edward. Basically he's the same as Overprotective!Edward, but just sparkly. Like, really sparkly. As in, lipsmacker, preteen lotion glitter sparly. Kind of a letdown. I was expecting some grotesque skeleton thing, or maybe a corpse with bits of flesh dropping off of him. Don't get me wrong, this is more attractive than my prior misconceptions, but it really isn't helping his straight factor.

Bella: Why are your lips moving?

SunSurprise!Edward: I'm singing to myself. Trying to ignore your glazed over creepy stare. Only I'm allowed to be the one staring at other people when their eyes are closed in this relationship. I don't scare you? I am so damn shocking.

Bella: Why in the hell would I be scared? I wasn't scared of angry, I want to go back and kill those men Edward. Highly doubt I'd be afraid of, look I'm basking and glittering in the sun Edward. No more than usual. *touches Edward* Do you mind?

SunSurprise!Edward: No, you can't imagine how that feels. It'd feel just a little bit better if you went south of the border. But Stephenie won't let that happen.

Bella: Nope, I'm just going to trail my hand over your muscles, your empty blue veins, and the palm of your hand.

Stephenie: *hands cupped under chin* Hmmmm, perfect…

SunSurprise!Edward and Bella: *shiver slightly at inappropriate staring*

Bella: *tries to kiss Edward*

Edward's inner monologue: Argh, must hide in the forest and stare with dark eyes in the shadows. Think soccer, pizza, off key pitches…

Bella: I'm sorry Edward.

Edward: Give me a moment. How embarrassing. Should probably cover this up by pretending I wanted to kill her. Ya, that'll work. I'm the world's best predator. As if you could outrun me, as if you could fight me off, just…just… as IF.

Confused!Bella: ? Okayyyy, um I have this deep-set fear that you will leave me.

Edward: That's why I should, but I crave your company (blood and ass strawberry scent) too much to do what I should.

Bella: I'm glad. Yay, and he will never leave me, ever.

Edward: Ya, but I really, really want to suck all of the blood out of your body.

Bella: Don't care.

Edward: Okay, obviously this hasn't gotten through her thick skull yet. You are like my favorite ice cream flavor…

Bella: Ugghhh no, ice cream, bad thoughts!

Edward: Let me try again. You are like old manly alcohol…

Bella: ?

Edward: Aghhhh. You're like heroin, okay? God, this girl is impossible to scare.

Bella: I'm your brand of heroin?

Edward: Silly Bella, heroin is illegal and therefore unbranded. *as Bella begins build tears in her eyes, he sighs* Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.

Bella: *clapping hands* I'm his favorite!

Edward: I wanted to kill you the first time I saw you.

Bella: Oh, right. He's dangerous. *fangirl swoon*

Edward: I could never hurt you, even though I spent the past few pages telling you how much I want to hurt you. You are the most – God, Stephenie, here you go again. Really? I mean, REALLY? This is technically our second date.

Stephenie: *snaps out of lying face down in a pool of fanwoman drool* Huh? Oh come on Edward, just say it. This is the pinnacle of my existence.

Edward: *looking hopelessly at Bella*

Bella: Don't look at me. 3 bagels have already been sacrificed in this manuscript. I don't think I could take any more.

Edward: *with a pained expression on his face* You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever. Ugh here we go, the most obvious analogy of the entire series…

Orchestra: *drumrolls*

Edward: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

Bella: Oh god, am going to be sick from over-indulgence in sappy sweetness. What a stupid lamb.

Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Edward and Bella: *storm off, taking 5 minutes to slap one another and take a few shots to forget the cringeworthiness that escaped their mouths*

browniechadowes: Come on guys! Worst is over. Let's get on with it.

Edward: *slinks back into meadow* Okay, so now I'm just going to rub up on your face a little bit and then use listening to your heartbeat as an excuse to bury my face in your boobage.

Bella: Well, I'm going to put my hand all over your face.

Edward: I'll show you how I travel in the forest. Wonder why I didn't do this in the first place, considering she is extremely clumsy, slow, and probably didn't want to hike 5 miles? Ah well.

Bella: Will you turn into a bat? Ughh, that's strike three for the bad vampire jokes, Steph.

Edward: Come on, little coward, climb on my back.

browniechadowes: *slightly crestfallen* It was so much better to make fun of in the movie. Spider monkey has a bigger laugh factor than little coward. Damn you, Stephenie Meyer. Ruining my fun.

Edward: *runs crazily through the forest to the truck* How do you feel? Because I'm gonna toot my own horn and say that I am fairly kick ass at this fast running thing.

Bella: Dizzy.

Edward: Silly Bella, running is second nature to me. Ya, that's right, I am the shiznit.

Bella: Show-off. You hot sparkling little show-off.

Edward: I want to try something. Ha ha, take that, Stephenie *stares at author, sleeping in her pool of drool, as he leans in to kiss Bella*

Bella: Oh God, am going to jump his bones now. Nom nom nom nom. *hits Edwards teeth with her own and smashes his nose* Oops!

Edward: Bitch, you kiss like a ten year old. That's an understatement.

Bella: Should I…? Oh God, please kill me now. Am going to die of embarrassment.

Edward: No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please. Damn my nose hurts. Okay I'm good. Now let me drive. Friends don't let friends drive drunk. Oh I am so witty. Witty witty Edward.

Bella: Drunk?

Edward: You're intoxicated by my very presence. I am in no way conceited at all. I just tell it like it is. Besides, I don't think the Nyquil's quite out of her system. She kinda had a nasty cherry aftertaste.

Bella: Are you affected by my presence?

Edward: *laughing* Suuuuuure.