Author's Note:
Okay so the next chapter is probably going to be the last for this story. It may take some time because I really want it to be good. It also might take some time because I am awful at updating quickly. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciate people sticking with this story even when I am so erratic about updating. I hope that you all enjoy the chapter.
Chapter #14:
Saruman had made many mistakes in his life. Choosing to wear only white robes when your main servants were orcs with a severely limited idea of how to do laundry properly. Deciding to make Orthanc his base of operations even though it was nearly a day's ride away from the closest pub. Not to mention that time he had thrown his lot in with the forces of evil.
Those mistakes were not looking so bad compared to the mistake that Saruman had made in going to the Shire.
Saruman was standing in front of a group of his former enemies. All of them were either babbling incoherently or bickering amongst themselves. Frodo was the only one who had any semblance of calm, sitting in a chair holding a large stack of parchment. All in all the group looked much less fierce and heroic then he remembered from the days of the war.
"Tell them that I don't worship Frodo," Gandalf said coming over to him, "and that I am very intelligent."
"I will not," Saruman told him, "we do not like each other. Remember? I tried to kill you. Does that ring a bell?"
"After the day that I am having," Gandalf told him solemnly, "I may trust my enemies more then my friends."
"Do you trust me?" Merry asked.
"Not now," Gandalf answered.
"What about me?" Pippin added.
"Not now and not ever."
"What is it with you hero types and insanity?" Saruman asked in amazement.
"According to the shrink that I have been working with," Legolas said at once, "our bursts of 'abnormal behavior' are a result of the intense pressure that has been placed on us during our lives."
"Wow," Saruman said in surprise, "I was not even sure that he was capable of talking without something written down for him to read. Was he able to talk during the War of the Ring or is this something recent?"
"I do not like you," Legolas said to Saruman.
"That is because I am evil and rather clever when it comes to insults," Saruman shot back with a smug smile.
"Oh Frodo," Elrond said as they continued their tour, "here is someone else who I want you to meet."
"Uh oh," Aragorn said, "looks like someone else is about to be mocked."
"Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me," Boromir said wringing his hands together nervously.
"This is Boromir."
"Damn you Frodo!" Boromir shouted.
"He comes from this weird place called Gondor," Elrond continued. "He is very interested in learning about the One Ring. He has asked us many questions about it, and I told him that you were really the best person to ask."
"Yes, yes," Boromir cackled, "I want to know everything. Everything!"
"Wait a second," Boromir spluttered, "is Frodo trying to imply that I am evil."
Boromir was hunched over. It was unclear whether it was because he was just sloppy or because he was trying to get a better look at the One Ring which hung around Frodo's neck. His eyes glittered evilly, and his greasy hair dripped ominously onto his shoulders.
"I am not evil!" Boromir roared.
"You sound sort of evil now," Legolas pointed out.
"No I sound angry," Boromir corrected him, "angry because Frodo is implying that I am evil!"
Frodo could tell that Boromir was evil. Boromir was very evil.
"Now he is saying that you are evil outright," Gimli said.
"I died to protect that little snot and this is how he repays me," Boromir growled.
Realizing that Frodo could see through his act Boromir stalked away, holding his clock up to cover half of his face sinisterly.
"I wish I was dead," Boromir sobbed.
"In that case," Pippin told him, "I have good news. You are dead!"
Boromir sobbed harder.
"I thought that would cheer him up," Pippin whispered to Merry.
"It is not so bad," Merry said comfortingly to Boromir, "at least you died before you heard of fanfiction and went insane. I sort of envy you."
"You really mean that?" Boromir asked.
"Sure," Merry said making patting motions around the area of Boromir's shoulder, "you will be remembered for centuries as: Boromir: A Captain of Gondor and Not Crazy At The Time Of His Death."
"I was not crazy during my first death," Glorfindel spoke up, "do you think people will remember that?"
"Not really," Merry answered.
"Aww," Glorfindel moaned.
"You sound as if you're feeling better," Sam said to Glorfindel.
"As in you don't sound insane anymore," Rosie added.
"Are you kidding?" Glorfindel asked. "I feel worse now that I can comprehend what Frodo is saying. Someone hit me on the head again."
"Oh no," Gimli said, "it's not fair if you get to be unaware while the rest of us remain mentally aware enough to understand Frodo's story."
"We could all hit each other on the head," Pippin suggested.
"There is no way that we are going to do that," Aragorn said.
"Okay everyone listen up," Frodo announced, "it is time for me to continue my story."
"On second thought," Aragorn muttered thoughtfully.
Suddenly a massive eagle swooped down to where Frodo was. His name was Polly the Eagle.
"Not even close," Gandalf sighed, "the eagle's name is Gwaihir. Which is similar to Polly in the way that elves are similar to slugs."
"So they are pretty closely related," Gimli chuckled.
The wonderful Frodo lifted his arm and the eagle calmly landed on it, nuzzling Frodo with affection and love. Despite the fact that the eagle was fairly large for an eagle Frodo was able to support it's weight on his arm with ease.
"If this ever gets back to Gwaihir Frodo is going to get his eyes pecked out," Gandalf commented.
"No complaints here," Rosie said, "in fact I think it would improve his writing considerably."
Everyone else in Rivendell were panicked by the sight of the eagle.
"It is so big and scary and fierce," Elrond said shaking in terror and clutching his chest.
"Oh Frodo be careful," Arwen cautioned him as she shrunk away from the scary bird.
"Elves do not get scared!" All of the elves in the room shouted together.
"Especially not me!" Arwen said with a withering glare that made everyone else shrink away from her. Frodo, completely engrossed in the pieces of parchment in his hands, did not notice.
The bird began to chirp earnestly-
"I doubt that Gwaihir has ever chirped," Sam commented, "ever in his life."
- and Frodo leaned in to listen. He was able to understand the bird because of the noble bearing that Frodo possessed, which made him technically part eagle himself.
The idea of Frodo with feathers and a beak made everyone in the room laugh.
"Squawk! Squawk!" Gimli cried flapping his arms and hopping in place as if he was a bird. "I'm Frodo and if you give me the One Ring I'll fly it all the way to Mount Doom!"
"I can not remember," Glorfindel said, "is flight a new power for Frodo or did he have it before?"
"Well he has the power of general awesomeness," Elrond answered, "and I sort of assumed that flight was part of that."
When Polly the Eagle had finished chirping to Frodo the magnificent Frodo turned to tell the gathered heroes what the eagle had told him. Polly had said that the nasty old wizard Saruman had managed to capture Gandalf.
"I do not know how I feel about the adjective nasty," Saruman commented, "it does not sound really evil, just sort of vaguely naughty."
Saruman had captured Gandalf by placing a painting of Frodo, (looking particularly heroic), on the top of his tower and then trapping Gandalf there when the poor foolish wizard went to go hug the painting.
"I actually enjoy this portrayal of you Gandalf," Saruman chuckled. "I think that it captures your essence nicely."
"I would not be so smug if I were you," Gandalf warned him through gritted teeth, "if this is how Frodo portrays his allies just imagine how he will portray someone who once tried to invade his homeland."
Saruman glanced sideways at Frodo who grinned evilly at the wizard.
"Gandalf was only captured because of his utter devotion to me," Frodo announced to the elves and other beings who had gathered to Rivendell to see Frodo. "Thus it is only right that I shall be the one to go to Isengard and rescue him."
"Ha ha!" Boromir laughed pointing at Saruman, "Frodo is going to Isengard to mock you!"
Everyone started crying at the thought of Frodo leaving them.
"Anyone here think they would cry if Frodo went away?" Aragorn asked.
Everyone in the room shook their heads.
"I rest my case," Aragorn grinned.
"Rest what case?" Gimli asked him.
"It just sounds dramatic," Aragorn explained.
"I just do not get it," Gimli replied.
"Oh brave Frodo," Glorfindel the elf said as he bowed before his savior.
"I wish I was still too injured to understand what Frodo was saying," Glorfindel lamented. "I was once killed by a Balrog… and this is worse. Frodo's writing is worse then a Balrog."
"I agree," Gandalf nodded.
"Arwen and I wish to bestow a gift upon you," Glorfindel continued.
"Why did you have to bring me into it?" Arwen shouted at Glorfindel.
"Do not ask me," Glorfindel defended himself, "if it was up to me I would not even be in the story myself."
"Please accept this horse," Arwen said leading the horse over to Frodo, "his name is Asfaloth. He is the best horse that we have, and you are the only one worthy to ride him."
"Stupid horse stealing hobbit!"
Thanking the two elves Frodo leapt gracefully onto the horse's back. With Frodo on his back Asfaloth looked ten times more impressive. All other horses just looked like sickly mules in comparison.
"So basically the rule is," Elrond said, "things just look better when Frodo sits on them?"
"You did not know that?" Sam asked with fake disbelief. "Do you not see that with Frodo sitting on it that old chair is just radiant? Frodo has made is sparkle with brilliance by sitting on top of it."
"Oh yes," Elrond nodded with mock seriousness, "I see now. It is a king among chairs."
Frodo urged the horse onward and raced out of Rivendell. Everyone watched the brave and beautiful hobbit leave with tears in their eyes. The clouds parted to spotlight Frodo as he rode out of sight.
"If only," Aragorn sighed, "if only."
"Do you think that Frodo will survive?" Arwen asked desperately turning to her father.
"No!" The cry came from all of the listeners.
"If it were anyone else," Elrond replied, "I would say that going against Saruman single handed was suicide. However, since it is Frodo I am guessing he will be back by lunch time."
"By lunch time?" Gimli roared. "Take it from someone who has traveled from Rivendell to Isengard, that is impossible. Now if it had been lunch time a year from now it would have been more realistic."
"In this story Frodo is brave," Merry pointed out, "there is nothing realistic about this story."
"Good one!" Pippin laughed. The two high fived enthusiastically.
"You give that a high five when all I got from my brilliant joke about Saruman was some light chuckling?" Boromir asked looking shocked. "Your minds must be even more far gone then I thought."
"We should prepare a feast!" Elrond cried.
"Further proof that even when they are crazy a hobbit is still a hobbit," Gandalf remarked.
There was much cheering as every single being who was in Rivendell rushed to cook for Frodo.
"How much food are you all planning on making for Frodo?" Legolas asked the Rivendell crowd with a chuckle.
"However much they make," Pippin said seriously, "it still won't be enough."
"Just think," Elrond sighed wistfully, "there once was a day when there were no hobbits in Rivendell." He turned to Gandalf. "I blame you."
"What did I do?" Gandalf asked.
"Somehow you always push and prod until wars start and I have to hold Councils for large numbers of people who I do not really like and the next thing you know things have spiraled out of control. All I know is, you are always there in the beginning."
There was a chorus of agreement from around the room.
"He ruined my family's good name," Bilbo cried.
"I did not-" Gandalf started,
"He made dwarves have contact with elves," Gimli added interrupting the wizard.
"Even worse," Glorfindel spoke up, "he made elves have contact with dwarves."
"You are all reading too much into my actions," Gandalf grumbled.
"Gandalf was the one who let all those orcs know where we were in Moria," Pippin shouted.
"Liar," Gandalf shouted.
"Gandalf told me to break up with you," Aragorn told Arwen pointing at Gandalf.
"Do not pin that on me," the wizard protested.
"Let us all take deep breath," Arwen sighed.
"Thank you," Gandalf said cordially.
"Just because Gandalf is an instigator who could not stop manipulating us all if he tried does not mean that we should all gang up on him. After all, we have known about this for years. We should not be acting surprised."
"I don't know why I am surprised," Gandalf muttered.
"Wow," Sam said looking around at the rest of the group, "we really got off track that time."
"This group really has no focus," Rosie agreed.