Title- Aftermath
Work In Progress
Author- PTBvisiongrrl
Part- 14/?
Date- 4-29-07
Rating – R
Pairings/Characters- Lee/Kara
Word Count- 2176
Category- Short Story
Genre- Angst
Archiving- The Fallout Shelter, Apollo/Starbuck Fan Fic, All others please ask!
Warnings- Not really- just language…
Spoilers- Season 1 through the rumors of Season 3
Disclaimers- Unfortunately, I don't own any of these characters, and make absolutely no profit from taking them out to play…
Summary- How do Kara and Lee reconnect after both losing spouses in the Battle for New Caprica? Can they?
Chapter Thirteen
Currently on Galactica
The Admiral watched Kara and Lee avoid each other for far longer than he had planned; his week deadline with Lee had come and gone, and his son had disappointed him by avoiding the problem with Starbuck rather than resolving it. The strain between them was apparent, but not affecting their performance yet. Given their history, the fact they were his children, and their difficult personalities, he decided to give them a little more time. Not much, but some. In the meantime, he tried to schedule Lee's CIC turns to coincide with Kara's CAP, just so he could monitor their reactions to each other. It was obvious that something had changed recently, given the expression on Lee's face this morning and his air of distraction, as well as his sudden desire to fill in a CAP. Bill okayed the substitution without a second thought when he realized- and Lee didn't- that Kara was flying CAP, too.
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Lee was lost in memories, one washing over another, endlessly and out of order. One crisis, one argument, one tragedy after another, endlessly looping and he was unable to turn it off. Anger surged through him, followed by despair and cold emptiness. It was a common state for him these days. An unpredictable cycle of negativity and hopelessness, and all of it centered on Kara. He had thought that volunteering to run a CAP for a sick pilot and getting into the air would allow him to clear his head, but then a further reshuffling of the schedule had somehow paired him up with Kara.
The peace he had been searching for was shattered beyond recall when, as soon as CAP had been launched and the course plotted begun, Kara's tentative voice echoed in his ear. "Lee?"
After briefly considering ignoring her- the tone told him that it was not mission related, and the use of his given name completely against protocol- he tersely asked, "Yes, Starbuck?" He was in no mood to deal with her, especially given that she had been the focus and reason for his bad mood lately. Well, Starbuck and his father's directive. He had a feeling that William Adama's patience with his son and the fleet's top gun was nearing an end.
Kara cleared her throat gently, trying to judge the best way to approach him. "Permission to switch to unmonitored channel, sir." She felt his indecision and anger over the com. She fully expected him to say no and ignore her for the rest of the shift, barring a sudden appearance of the Cylons, but she had to make the effort. The Admiral was close to making an Apollo/Starbuck reunification an order; she wanted to avoid that. Instead, however, Lee surprised her.
"Channel two, Starbuck." The statement was made in a voice suddenly bland, tired, lacking any emotional undercurrent; the click signaled he had changed over and she quickly followed suit. "What don't you want all of CIC to hear?"
She had never gotten beyond Lee's agreeing to talk, in all her strategies and preparation. She usually flew by the seat of her pants, and had trusted that unshakable skill- or what she thought was an unshakable skill. Because hearing Lee talk to her, not yell, blame, or silently seethe at her, made her mind shut down. Caught totally unprepared, she almost stuttered. "I want to talk to you, Lee. Like before, without the anger, the accusation-. There are things I need to tell you, and you need to hear." She paused, gaining confidence the longer he let her go on. "All I need is for you to listen. After I'm finished, you never have to talk to me again outside of official duties."
"The Admiral has spoken to you, too, huh, Starbuck?" Lee managed to gasp out past the sudden lump barring his throat. "Mend fences, or however he put it to you." Lee sighed- long, deep, and hollow sounding. The anger that usually shadowed his voice when he had to deal with her had been replaced with a melancholy fatigue. Why keep fighting this? Destiny kept throwing Kara Thrace back into his path and had for years. The harder he tried to avoid her, the harder fate intruded into the bubble he had built. Dualla's death was an equal force reaction by the Gods to his attempt to shove Kara as far away as possible. Regretful acknowledgement of the need to concede settled deep into his bones, squeezing his heart. The pain the words cost him was evident in his tone. "Not now. I can't do this now, not like this. I need to see your face."
Kara felt her heart jump.
Apollo continued, "Once we land, we'll find some alcohol and privacy, and hash this out to the Admiral's satisfaction."
"Yes, sir," Kara snapped back, sounding (and feeling) more like Starbuck than she had in some time.
Galactica CAG office, after CAP
Lee waited for Kara to show up nervously. The emotional roller coaster he had experienced in the past day was showing no signs of letting up. There was a lot to talk through, a lot of risk here. The only thing worse than what they were doing to do tonight would be if his father had actually ordered them. He tossed back three fingers of what passed for ambrosia these days in an attempt to settle his nerves. When the knock finally came on the hatch, he still jumped. Steadying his voice, he called out, "Enter."
Kara opened the door cautiously. "Major."
Lee dropped the meeting down to informal quickly. "Kara, come in."
She closed her eyes momentarily. "Been awhile since you called me that." She stepped in and settled onto the couch. "Where's that drink?"
Lee filled a glass and handed it over. He remained leaning against the desk, however, instead of sitting next to her. Raising his own, he proposed a toast. "To working through the demons of the past."
Kara nodded her agreement. Lee's attitude- his voice- weren't his usual. She wasn't sure how to take his change of heart. "So say we all," she answered. Sipping, she decided that maybe she should be the one to start this. "So, where should we start? That's a lot of ground to cover."
"My father wants us to settle things between us, but he had no idea how we've hurt each other over the years. I don't know if we CAN settle things-" Lee started, only to be interrupted by Kara.
"Lee-" she sounded breathless. "Please- there has to be a way to work this out-"
"You killed my child. Twice. Without my knowledge or consent." Lee put it out there, very quickly, before he lost courage. "You helped me hurt my brother in a way I swore I would never hurt him. You married Anders and ran away from me."
Gathering her courage, Kara agreed. "Yes."
Lee's face hardened. "So you knew that they were mine, and you didn't care."
Kara felt her temper begin to rise. "How would you know if I cared? Did you ever ask me, between slinging all that blame around and leaving?"
Lee had the good manners to color a little in shame. "It was too late."
"So the children mattered to you, but I didn't?" She downed her drink. She wasn't going to be able to do this sober. Getting up, she poured herself another one, downed it and gasped at the burn. Longing for the smooth taste of real ambrosia, she poured another. "I never wanted to be a mother, Lee. Whose children they were never really factored into my decision. I can't be a mother."
Lee bit back a harsh response and another mouthful of alcohol. "Zak said you had mommy issues. I didn't realize just how deep it went."
The hurt in her eyes made him momentarily regret his choice of wording. "I didn't have issues. I had hell. And I wouldn't impose that on any child." She chose not to elaborate, and Lee pressed her.
"Whatever your mother was like, Kara, she isn't you. You aren't her. You didn't even consider that?" Lee asked, his voice raspy.
"I learned everything I know about being a mother from her. How could I be any different?" Kara drank again, slower this time. The world, the pain, was becoming comfortably distant. "Think how I resolve my differences, Lee. Not exactly good parenting skills in hitting children."
Lee moved to sit next to her on the couch. "I would have helped. You wouldn't be alone. I wouldn't have let you become your mother."
A harsh cackled escaped her throat. "You can't promise that. You didn't know her or what it was like or how it affected me. And I don't think either your brother or your wife would have appreciated you helping me, Lee."
Looking away from the contorted face Kara made trying to reign in emotions, Lee sighed deeply. "I didn't say it would be easy. I said that I would have helped."
Kara cut him off. "Lee, I can't change the past. You can't change it. I acted like I did based on what I thought at the time. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you enough to tell you. Just keep in mind, it wasn't all about you."
He nodded in agreement. "No, it wasn't. Zak was actually okay with your decision. Said he would have wanted the same. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had already made that choice and regretted it."
Kara asked the question she had been dreading. "How did he take the news that it might be yours?"
"Not as well," Lee drank again. "He landed one hell of a punch. Got over it pretty quick, though."
"He always was easy going." Kara smiled. "Had to be, to put up with me."
Lee couldn't help but agree. "Dee didn't take it as well."
"You told her?" Kara's voice raised dramatically.
"Not about the baby." He settled on the sofa next to her. "After the baby, after you left the fleet- I got very drunk one night. Dee heard more than she wanted to hear. In the morning, she didn't bring it up and I acted like I didn't remember."
"So I lied to her for nothing." Kara shook her head in amusement.
"Why did you lie to her?" Lee asked in a tightly controlled, low voice. "Why didn't you tell her?"
"It wasn't my place. The things you said to me- the things we did- it was because of the situation. I thought it wasn't for real. Neither of us thought that we were getting off that rock, that we would have to live with what we said and did." It was Kara's turn to drink. "So I didn't see the need to make your marriage more difficult."
"Why not?" Lee's voice was suddenly angry. "Why didn't you want to make trouble for me? You told me that you loved me- you told me that it was always me. Did you lie to me, just so that I would frak you before you died? Did you mean any of it?"
The weight of emotion in his voice shook her. "No, Lee. I didn't lie."
"Then why didn't you fight for us? We got back, and you were the same old Starbuck. Not a clue that anything had really changed." Lee fought back control of his voice. "I thought that I was just another frak for you."
"Is that why you never fought for us?" Kara countered Lee's accusation in a sad tone. "We got back, and you went right home to Dee and playing house with her."
"I loved her. I didn't want to hurt her. And you had Anders still, too. I just needed time to think things over-" Lee started.
"Are you saying that I should have waited for you?" Kara show back. "Dropped Sam, and sat twiddling my thumbs to see if the great Apollo would deign to chose me?"
Lee realized how it sounded. "No, I didn't mean that. But- some indication that you meant what you said on the planet would have helped."
"Either you believed me or you didn't, Lee." Kara finished off her drink and rose from the couch to get another. "I had hoped that you thought enough of me to realize that I wouldn't lie to you about that."
"We both made mistakes, I guess." Lee rested his hands in his head, elbows on knees. "And its too late to do anything about it but apologize."
Kara nodded in agreement. "We both made mistakes. We can't compare and weigh them- just agree that we both frakked up, and move on from here. That's what your father wants us to do."
Lee ran his hands over his face. "Can we do more than that? Can we be friends again?"
Lee's plaintive tone and the fragility in his eyes broke her wall of reserve. "I would really like that, Lee."