For I Have Sinned
Chapter Fourteen
It took a week, but Mr. Palazzo finally produced the list of his coworkers from the theater performance as requested. It would take the following week for everyone on that list to be located and interviewed. Unfortunately that led to nothing. All of them remembered Mr. Palazzo, usually with a descriptive note made about his hooked nose, but no one had anything to say about him out of the ordinary. Nor about each other. Everything seemed to come up daisies, which is the last thing any detective looking out for a serial killer wants to hear.
While the case was anything but cold, the officers involved were allowed to return to their normal duties until a new lead came up.
Yun had her ankles locked and propped on her desk, her keyboard laying across her lap as she typed out the last of her report from a recent home invasion she and Rinoa had responded to.
"Almost done?" Heartilly's head peeked over her own computer.
"Yup." she responded almost unconsciously, her eyes seeming glazed over and half asleep. Her fingers worked without a thought. "Got any plans tonight?"
"I don't know. Leon's home but he hasn't mentioned anything."
"How about comin' over to my place for cards or somethin'?" Yun turned her head away from her screen. "You can bring the space cadet if ya want."
"Yeah?"
"I'll get lard-ass bait for everyone too, if you're game."
"It sounds like fun. Can Angelo come too?"
Yun tilted her head to look at the dog lying on the floor beside her handler's desk. "Naturally. I need someone to help me cheat." and she smiled to herself as she continued to type.
"I thought you redskins were good at poker." Rinoa made a cat-like grin with a waggle of her eyebrows.
"Nah, we're just good at separatin' hair from a man's head." Yun chuckled.
"That explains the chief's bald spot."
Yun lurched forward, her feet hitting the floor as she covered her mouth with her hand against a hard laugh. She would come back up for air nearly a minute later, red faced and teary eyes, trying to reign it back in. Rinoa just watched, admittedly a little smug. Still smirking like fools the two would finish their work and went together to pass them off.
Sazh had a funny look on his face when the two women came into his office, having heard the laughter earlier. "What are two up to?"
"Nothing." Rinoa tried not to giggle, clearing her throat instead as she gave him her report.
"That's the first I've heard Oerba here laugh in some time now, what did you do?"
"Just gave me a taste of my own medicine." the detective grinned.
"If you wanted a promotion that bad, Heartilly, all you had to do was ask." he almost smirked.
"Hey, chief, wanna be my date for cards tonight?"
"I dunno," he grumbled a little, "I'd hate to embarrass you guys."
"Listen at you now," Yun crossed her arms, "you game then?"
"What time?"
"I was going to grab some stuff on the way home, any time after would be fine if it strikes your fancy."
"Would after dinner be all right?"
"Sure, so long as ya don't care if we start without you."
"That's fine." he nodded. "I guess I could come and humor you young folks for a while. Show you how a man does things."
"Gods have mercy, now your startin' to sound like Ronsenburg." Yun rolled her eyes, letting her report slap to the top of his desk. "What's that guy's malfunction anyway?"
Sazh looked up from the sets of papers, eyes exchanging with both women. "He's got woman issues."
"No shit, Sherlock."
"You saw that big zipper across his forehead, right?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Got that from his ex-wife when he caught her cheating on him with his twin brother."
"That sounds like a really bad soap opera." Rinoa cringed a little.
"Tragic, really, but that don't make it right for him to take it out everybody else."
"That's what happens when all you have in your life is your job." the police chief shot the detective a knowing glare, one brow raised.
"Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. Least I know how to keep it to myself. So you comin'?"
"I'll be along later tonight. Enjoy yourselves while you can."
"'Cause gods know you old farts can ruin a party." Yun laughed. "See you then, chief."
The two left the office and headed out of the building to the parking lot.
"I'll call Leon on my way and see what he thinks." Rinoa said as the two split for their respective cars.
"Sounds good. How about I invite Gallows?"
Rinoa and Angelo paused. "You really think she would come?"
"Would it hurt to ask?"
"Fair enough. I'll be sure to let you know if Leon has better ideas, okay?"
"Sure, don't skip out on a good lay just for me."
"Wouldn't dream of it," Rinoa laughed. "See you tonight."
Yun would wait until she was in the privacy of her car to call Gallows, more so out of the urge to get home than the need to be discreet. Her first attempt garnered nothing, not even an answering machine message. She tried again.
"H-hello?"
"Gallows? You all right?" she could hear her panting from the other end of the line.
"I'm fine, yeah, just fine. Just...you caught me on the treadmill."
"Oh, okay." though she was unsure of what to make of that. She could've sworn she could hear someone else talking in he background "Listen, you got any plans tonight? I'm having a card game at my place, wonderin' if you wanted to come and join in the fun."
"S-sorry, busy."
"What are you doing?" she had to ask. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
"Going over the case files again-,"
"Is someone there with you?" she couldn't hold it in anymore. She had to know.
"D-Dr. Valentine is...assisting me."
"At the gym? On the treadmill..."
"...Yes."
"You'd make a great detective, Gallows, but you're a shitty liar. I know and you know that I know those case files are at the federal extension."
"Detective, I-,"
"It's fine, Gallows, really, you don't have to explain." she smiled knowingly to herself. "I'll take a rain check. But do let me know if you find anything in those files, yeah?"
"...Yes, ma'am."
Yun hung up with a shake of her head and a chuckle before turning the ignition and starting home. She would make one stop at the store to grab a few things, an extra deck of cards, snack foods to act as poker chips, and something fizzy to cure that craving for soda in her mouth. Once more people showed up the decision concerning dinner would be addressed.
When she got back to the apartment she settled into her usual post-beat routine. She put the groceries on the table after hanging her blazer and holster by the door. From there Yun hopped in the shower for a spell to get the daily grunge off and then put on some lounge clothes to take a nap on the sofa. For the greater portion of thirty minutes she didn't move an inch, hands and feet dangling off either end of the couch. If her cellphone hadn't been on her stomach when it buzzed, she might have slept through the ringing. The whole evening if given the chance.
"Hello?"
"Hey," It was Rinoa, "Leon's in after all. When's a good time for you?"
"You can head over now." Yun stifled a yawn. "You got my address?"
"Yeah, I think between the two of us we can find you. If all else fails, I'll follow the smoke signals."
"All right, all right, just drive safe, pale face."
"See you then."
Yun would drop the phone back onto her stomach once the line went quiet, smirking to herself. she would lounge on the couch for another ten minutes before she forced herself to get up. She puttered around the apartment, tidying things, until Rinoa, Leon and Angelo arrived a short time later. Yun found her partner's husband to be soft spoken with a firm handshake, the latter a bit surprising as he looked a bit thin in her opinion.
"I didn't know if you drank or not," Rinoa started, lifting her hand, "but Leon and I do. You're free to have some if you want."
Yun eyeballed the cardboard carrier full of six amber colored bottles and tensed a little. "Nah, don't touch the stuff. But expect me to keep your keys, yeah?"
"Thanks, detective." Leon nodded as he passed the tokens forward.
"Just Yun, if ya please. Come on in and get comfy, guys."
"Did you ever get in touch with Paine?"
Yun snickered as the four of them adjourned to the living room. "Yeah."
"And?" Rinoa tilted her head to see her partner's face, puzzled.
"She's comin', just not to the party."
For several minutes, even after they had all taken a seat and found something else to talk about, Rinoa considered what she was certain was a loaded answer. Yun saw her studious expression and relented.
"You remember that fed from behavioral analysis, right?"
"That dark haired guy, was it Valentine or something?"
"Yeah."
"What about him?"
"Well," Yun was grinning ear-to-ear now, "she tells me she's going over the case files again...but that ain't even close to what it sounds like she's doin'. I ask her and she says 'he's assisting'."
"Oh...oh...oh! Oh gods, are you serious?"
Yun only nodded. Rinoa just giggled like a fool, Leon simply shook his head.
"So how about chow? What are you guys up for?" Yun was starting to feel her stomach growl.
In the end they would vote on pizza and hot wings, perfect poker food. Yun would go to fetch it, leaving the Heartillys -yes, Leon took Rinoa's name- to their own devices for the next half hour or so. The only rule is that if they decided the temptation to fuck was too great, to do her the courtesy of using the couch and not her bed.
There was mild surprise to find Sazh had arrived upon her return, though she was welcoming all the same. Yun had just laid out the food and drinks on the table when she felt her pocket buzzing.
"'Scuse me, folks, I gotta take this. Save me some of those wings, or I'll cut somebody." Yun would step out through the glass door onto the balcony for some privacy, though not entirely alienating herself from her guests.
"Hey there, sunshine." she greeted once the glass barrier had separated her from the sound. "How's my girl doin'?"
"I'm okay." a gentle declaration. "Is it a good time to talk?"
"Of course it is. I got a little lonely so I invited some folks from work over, but they can wait."
"Well, I don't want to keep you, I could call back,"
"Claire, please, it's fine." she assured. "So how's therapy takin' so far?"
There was a small shrug over the line. "Not so bad, I guess. Two weeks in...I think I've been making progress."
"That's great, darlin'. But you don't sound so good, are you okay?"
"Yeah. Just...I'm remembering things. Dr. Ballad says my mind is digging things up, allowing me to remember. It's..." a deep breath, "it's been tough this week."
"Anything you need to talk about? You know I'm listenin'."
"No, nothing like that, just...I'm having to deal with some of these things for the first time. No one can really help me with that...I need to learn how to manage it."
Yun admitted to herself that she was quite impressed. She hadn't known the idea of management to be part of Claire's vocabulary in terms of her feelings. She was more the "turtle up until it goes away" type of person. That change alone was grounds for her to think Dr. Ballad as the next Anne Sullivan.
"Medicine still working out for you? Sleepin' all right?"
"Yeah." then she paused, a shrug eventually crossing the connection. "Yun, there's something I wanted to talk about."
"Sure, what's on your mind?"
"...I know I apologized before...for everything but...there's something else."
"Well, like you said, you apologized. So what's wrong?"
Another pause. "The bruises you showed me."
"Claire, you don't-,"
"Yes I do." came the firm interruption. "I do. If nothing else, just humor me, okay?"
"I didn't mean it like that," Yun was a little surprised at the frustration she could hear in Claire's voice.
"I know. It's just...this isn't easy. I feel terrible and...sorry just isn't good enough."
Yun scratched at her shoulder, near the bite mark. "It isn't always going to be, darlin'. I know that isn't really helpful, but it's true."
"...Yeah, but.. I never meant for it to happen like that. It was never my intention to..."
"You can't make me hold that against you, Claire. Everybody gets in over their head sometimes."
"But that isn't what happened. You're making it sound like I just lost control." Which, too be fair, was easy to do when Yun Oerba was your lover.
"Well, didn't ya?"
"No. I took yours away. I knew what I was doing the second it started happening. I mean...when you walked in the door that afternoon the thought never crossed my mind, but..."
"Once you had me trussed up like a Solstice roast, you had another idea." Yun nodded to herself, taking a bracing breath that she kept quiet. "But you knew?"
"Yes." there was a tightness to the reply.
"So...it wasn't so much that you couldn't stop when I asked you to," the memory echoed, giving her pause, "but ya wouldn't? Babe...I don't understand." And it was true. All this time she thought things had just gotten out of hand. Claire just got a hold of something she couldn't handle, caught up in the heat of the moment and all that. "Why?"
"Because I was scared." there was an attempt on Claire's part to hide her resistance to crying. "I was in a bad place...I felt like I was losing everything. I was powerless."
"But you knew I'd let you take what you needed. I always have." then she got quiet. "Guess that's why I can't hold a grudge."
"I never wanted...us...to be that way. I messed up."
"I've said it before," Yun shook her head, "I forgive you. And I meant it."
"No, no, no! It can't be that easy!"
"Whoa, darlin' take it easy. Why can't it be that easy?"
"Because I still feel like shit! Forgiveness isn't helping me!"
Yun felt herself deflate, her heart wrenching. She could hear Claire's restrained sobs on the other end and it was all she could do not to follow suit. "Claire, please...c'mon, baby, keep it together. Listen to me," and she waited for the line to go quiet. "I know it isn't helping. Guilt isn't an easy thing to get rid of, much less soothe. But some things just aren't meant to stop hurting."
"Why?"
Yun bit her lip against a groan, this was becoming painful. What she would give to be there for her. Just hold and let her cry it out if she wanted.
"Guilt keeps us in check, you know? Like bad memories, it helps us keep our shit together. Reminds us that we're human."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"What did your shrink say?"
"He told me to make amends. But..."
"It ain't gettin' ya anywhere, I know. Maybe you're one of those folks that needs to make these things up...pay back your debt."
Yun grew worried over the silence that worked its way in, hoping and praying she hadn't said anything that would make the situation worse.
Then, like the squeak of a mouse, "How?"
"I don't know, darlin'. I really don't. That's somethin' we'll have to figure out together once you come home."
"I understand." Claire sniffled a little. "I want to make this up to you. Whatever it takes. You deserve that much."
"Don't worry, I'm willin' to give ya that chance." Yun managed to find a little relief. "You all right now?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry I got a little emotional there."
"No apologies needed. I'm just glad I got to hear your voice. I miss ya an awful lot, sunshine."
"I miss you too."
"Speakin' of which," she grinned a little, "couldn't help but notice your birthday's comin' up. Would you object to maybe me visiting?"
It was quiet for a long moment, all the while Yun's heartbeat steadily quickened.
"As much as I want you to...maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea. I'd be too tempted to ask you to take me home." a little laugh followed.
"And I'd be too tempted to do just that." Yun nodded, not even about to try and fool herself. "What can I do, then? You want me to send ya a card or...what?"
"Just try and call me, okay? We can have a conversation that isn't full of me ranting about my feelings."
"You say that like I mind it. But I'll do that, I'll call ya. I promise. And buy yourself somethin' nice if it fancies ya. All right? At least pretend its a gift from me, yeah?"
"I will, thanks."
"I love you, baby. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you." Yun sighed after a moment.
"I love you too. Hopefully I can come home soon...I'm making progress in therapy, so who knows."
"Well, school's back in the fall, what about that?"
A shrug worked across the line. "I...don't know yet. Guess I'll worry about it when I get there. If I have to take off an extra semester I will."
Yun smiled. "You're really committed to this, aren't ya?"
"I am."
"Have I told ya how proud I am of you? 'Cause I am...a whole helluva lot."
"Thanks. I guess...I'd better let you get back to your friends...and I need to take my medicine."
"Okay, sweetheart. Thanks for callin'."
"Sure. Thanks for listening. I love you."
"Love you too, darlin'. Goodbye." and she waited for a response before hanging up. Like last time she didn't want to. She took a deep breath to recompose herself before stepping back inside. "All right, assholes, get ready for the whoopin' of your lives. Somebody break out those cards so I can start winnin'."
For the next four hours they did little more than play poker. And by little more I mean they ate, drank, swore at each other in a fashion only friends could, and tried to swindle the pants off of each other at every turn. All in the spirit of good fun. In the end Rinoa would have the biggest pile of pretzels and chocolate candies. Contrary to Yun's original plan, Angelo had not helped her cheat, but had done so for her handler instead. No one could figure out how the two did it, but it happened all the same right under their noses.
Sazh would go home shortly after midnight, leaving with a look on his face that belied a sense that he had actually had fun. Keeping to her promise, Yun let Rinoa and Leon use her bed for the night since they had polished of the six pack by themselves. No need for the risk of them driving. Yun opted for the couch, content as she spent most of her time sleeping there these days anyway. Angelo would keep her company, so it wasn't so bad.
The detective would go a solid five hours undisturbed, unmoving from her sideways curled position, her butt hanging off the cushions a little. She would've stayed asleep if Angelo hadn't released a stunted version of her usual bark, tearing Yun from slumber with all the ceremony as a bucket of water. Her phone was ringing again. She let out a long winded groan as she reached for it.
"Oerba speaking." she managed.
At first there was nothing. Yun was sure there was someone on the other end, she could hear someone breathing, but now words.
"Hello?" Sweet gods almighty, how many more times do I have to-
"Good morning, detective." It was a slow, deliberate greeting. Perfectly enunciated.
"Who is this?" She didn't recognize the voice at all.
"You know. You gave me your card. Said I could call if I needed anything."
"Oh, oh, yes, of course. Mr. Palazzo. It's terribly early." and that last bit left her as a bit of a whine. "Is something wrong?"
"Quite the opposite. I've found it, detective."
"What have you found, sir?"
"The painting. I found it. It's almost finished."
"Oh, well, that's wonderful, sir. I'm very happy for you."
"I would love for you to see it. Once it's... finished."
"And I'll be sure to do that, sir. Once the investigation is over."
"Yes...of course...the investigation."
"Sir, are you all right? You don't sound well." he really didn't, she realized. Now that she could focus on it.
"Oh no, detective. I'm just fine. Thank you for asking."
"Is there anything I can do for you, Mr. Palazzo? If not, I'd like to get back to bed."
"Oh, my mistake. I didn't mean to wake you. Please, by all means, have a good night." and then he hung up. No thanks, no fuck you, just click.
Clearly something smelled about that call, she would admit it, but it wasn't enough to keep her awake. Though, come morning, she was sure to give it her full attention.
(II)
Claire didn't know what to think when she sat down in Dr. Ballad's office, Terminus taking his usual place, and the good doctor pushed a small stack of papers across his desk towards her. On top of the papers was a small box, about the dimensions of a greeting card though substantially thicker.
Her gaze exchanged from it to him perhaps three times before she finally asked. "What is it?"
"Think of it as a starter kit. Today's the first day of a new phase of treatment, here's everything you'll need." Dr. Ballad smirked with an air of confidence, watching with quiet interest as she took the items and looked them over.
The papers were full of lists and instructions arranged in paragraphs, numbers separating them. She considered each of them briefly, schedules for meditation sessions on her own, mental and emotional warm up exercises and coping techniques. Even an itinerary for studying all of her new homework. Inside the box she found a set of ear buds and a device the size of a credit card, similar dimensions withstanding. She had seen such things as this at school, seemed like everyone had one and was plugged in.
"It's for music." Dr. Ballad elaborated. "I've taken the liberty of loading it with a few relaxation tracks. I recommend you use it in tandem with your meditation sessions."
"I'm not really...into music." she said, looking at the device quizzically.
"That's just fine, but I've found this method to be extremely effective for long term management. Coupled with this initial series of treatment exercises, it should help you a great deal."
"So what is it we're going to be doing now?"
"It's called graduated exposure therapy, or systematic desensitization. First I'm going to take time to teach you ways to better manage your anxiety, all the while establishing your triggers in order from least to greatest. Once you've practiced enough and are confident in your ability to apply the exercises, I'll introduce your triggers." he saw her expression change, fret widening her eyes. "It will be a completely controlled environment, and I'll stop the session if it gets to be too much. But, assuming you succeed, we'll graduate through your triggers until we complete the cycle. Once you're able to manage all of your triggers appropriately, well...we'll address it when we get there. Not if, but when."
Claire took a moment, setting the papers and music player back on his desk so she could put both hands on Terminus' back. At the moment she didn't know what to make of the idea, only that she was uncomfortable.
"I...I don't...how is that supposed to help? I mean...I'm...I can't wrap my head around it."
"Let me see if I can simplify it...have you ever gone swimming?"
"Yeah."
"You know when you first get into the water that it's cold?"
She nodded again.
"The longer you stay in the water, the less cold you feel, right?"
"Sure."
"This method works along that principle. You become better acclimated to a change in the environment the longer you're exposed to it. It works the same way with how we respond to said changes. The hardest part will be teaching you to respond with new behaviors to your triggers, hence the homework. A lot of it we will be practicing here in the office, my wife will actually be assisting you more than me."
"Oh?" she seemed genuinely surprised.
"She's a behavioral hypnotherapist." quite a mouthful. "Not much trust in her profession, you can blame bad magicians and TV for that. Still, it works, I've seen it happen, and I'd like for you to give her a chance."
And Dr. Ballad wasn't far from the truth. The second she heard it, she thought of some guy in a tuxedo swinging a watch in front of someone, mesmerizing them like in the cartoons.
"If it would make the idea more appealing to you, we could even do it at your home."
She thought about it, quiet, weighing the concept as she rubbed the cat's front paws with one hand. "How does it work?"
"Have you ever fallen asleep in front of the TV? And then you woke up remembering parts of what you slept through?"
"I think so."
"It's a bit like that. Though you won't be asleep. Yeul will try and get you into the most relaxed state possible. Your mind will be most open to suggestion then, and she'll give you new instructions. This will also help you become familiar with that state of mind so you can do the meditation exercises on your own. All you'll have to do is relax and listen."
"And what about the...exposure part?"
"Consider it a mid-term. When I think you're confident in the material, I'll test you. That big push we've talked about."
Claire swallowed, the lump in her throat following that ripple of anxiety that had worked up her back. She was having the hardest time trying to find reasons to tell him no. Part of her certainly didn't like the idea, but that was the same whining doubt she'd had since the beginning. That same shred of her that was convinced she didn't need anyone.
"I guess...I don't really know how to feel about it."
"I understand, I've had several patients say the same thing. It isn't a common treatment option, I'll admit."
She cleared her throat. "Does it really work?"
"I believe it does, yes, and I feel like this would be the best route for you. I've gathered that you respond much better to slow, long term correction than so-called shock treatment. To the contrary, sudden adjustment seems to be one of your triggers, so naturally we're going to do our best to avoid it."
Claire nodded with mild hesitation, considering the notion and finding validity in it. "Okay. If you think it's best..."
"It's up to you. I won't proceed if you don't feel it's right."
She nodded again. "I'll give it a shot."
"All right." he smiled, pleased and quietly eager as he stood up from his chair and disappeared for all of a minute from the room. He returned with Yeul in tow, introducing her to Claire properly. Compared to her husband she was so tiny, or so it seemed. He was a full head taller with shoulders twice as wide, though they shared darkened long hair that was flawlessly straight and tamed. Yeul would take the chair beside Claire, lithe legs crossed so perfectly. A class act.
"So you've taken interest in hypnotherapy?" Yeul started gently. "Response correction in relation to anxiety?"
"Um, yeah." Claire was still trying to sort the situation in her head, trying to hold a conversation with someone making it that much more difficult.
Yeul nodded. "I'm going to guess that you have questions?" She was familiar with the look on Claire's face. Almost all of her previous patients made the same one. Uncertainty mixed with mild confusion.
"How exactly is this going to work?" though the good doctor had explained it, she still didn't quite understand.
"Would you mind me walking you through it?" Yeul stood up.
Claire stood up with a nod, much to Terminus' protest. The cat would jump back onto his owner's desk and watch as the two women walked passed the chairs towards the chaise lounge sofa near the bookcases along the east wall of the room.
"The main goal of the therapy is to have you as relaxed as possible without you being asleep. Typically I give my clients a few minutes to themselves with some soothing music and have them lie down." she gestured to the sofa. "Once you've reached that comfort zone, I'll start giving you instructions -easy things that you can do without really thinking about them. When the session is over I carefully bring you out of the trance and we're done."
"That sounds..." she wanted to say ridiculous. "Weird."
"It does." Yeul admitted with a little laugh. "But I've had wonderful success with the technique. Our reactions to stress are natural, we don't have to think about them -they just happen. So, in order to change our subconscious responses, we need to do so on a subconscious level. It's time consuming, but effective. Would you like to try?" her head twisted to look back at Caius. "Do we have time?"
"You do." he replied.
Claire would admit to not liking how they both looked at her, anxious for some sort of reply that she didn't feel quite ready to give. She gave a conscious mental push against the anxiety trying to creep and forced herself to nod. "Okay. I'll try it."
Caius was shooed out of the office, Yeul taking control of things as she eased behind his desk. As she started clicking and typing, she asked Claire to lay down on the chaise. Once he saw a vacant lap Terminus jumped down from the desk and commandeered it, coiling tight enough atop Claire's stomach for his fluffy tail to hide his face. Almost immediately his purring started to vibrate through her.
"He's not bothering you, is he?"
"No, it's fine. I like cats."
Yeul laughed a little. "He likes you, it seems. Are you comfortable?"
"As I can be, yeah."
"Good. Now, just focus on the music -well, not really music," Claire could hear something like wind in the trees, maybe even running water. Sounds of nature. "But just focus on this and try to relax as best as you can. I'll be back in a few minutes." and she would quietly creep out of the office, flipping off the lights as she went, gently clicking the door shut behind her.
Claire shut her eyes and took a deep breath, one hand resting at her side and the other half-consciously petting Terminus' side. She had to try to quiet her thoughts, silence the questions moving all ping-pong between her ears. She still didn't know what to make of this, hadn't the slightest idea if this was even going to make a difference. What if it didn't? What if it just made matters worse? Was this treatment just going to be the beginning of a string of failed attempts at getting this under control? What if...
She took another deep breath, trying instead to focus on the sounds filling the room. The rustle of leaves, the chirping of birds, things she wasn't entirely familiar with -being such a happy homebody- but could recognize and appreciate. Yes, that was so much better than the whispering worries in her head. Once she gave them her full attention, she could feel the apprehension in her easing. Little by little she loosened her mental grip, she let her mind go deeper and deeper down at the behest of a gentle mental tug and a rag doll's purr.
Claire would notice but not react to Yeul reentering the room, which came as a mild surprise. Normally she would take physical notice of changes, needing to identify it right away. But not this time, no worries. She felt safe, secure, at ease. Which was somewhat out of the ordinary. She listened as the legs of a chair slid across carpet, a fibrous whisper that drew in close, another hush of fabric against fabric as Yeul sat down.
"Ms Farron I want you to focus on my voice." she began, her voice strangely nurturing. Almost inviting. Claire wasn't at all startled by the new sound, nor by the gentle way the woman took hold of the hand by her side. "Just remember that you are in a safe, secure environment, and if at any time you wish to stop, just squeeze my hand."
Claire didn't respond, didn't answer, but she understood.
"I'm going to count down from ten to zero, and as I do, I want your body will completely relaxed. Ten...nine...eight,"
It was happening, she could feel it. Her mind was going deeper down as she felt even her toes loosening in her shoes, her jaw muscles going almost limp enough that her mouth hung open. She briefly thought she might start snoring.
"Two...one...zero. Good." like she could sense the change. From there she went into simple suggestions, well, perhaps from where she was sitting. "You do not fear change. Change is a natural element of life, and is necessary for growth."
I do not fear change...fear change...fear...
"You do not fear change." she repeated just as softly as when she started. "You expect it."
Expect it. Expect change. Expect fear.
"You expect change. You accept it."
Accept change. Accept fear.
"Fear is a natural element of life, but fear does not control you."
Control. Fear. Control...
"You do not fear losing control. You are in control of your behavior at all times, and no one can take that from you."
In control...in control...
"You control your behavior through confidence, not fear."
Not fear...
From there Yeul would begin to repeat herself, working the words in with careful precision as one would a needle and thread. Sewing the new ideologies into place. Remove fear from its pedestal as a four letter word, and reveal it for what it really is: natural and controllable. Creating a new balance of the powers at be in Claire's mind that was more functional. More manageable.
She cycled through the suggestions for nearly a half hour. Standard practice for a typical session. Yeul checked her watch, nodding.
"Miss Farron, I'm going to count down from ten, when I get to zero, you're going to wake up relaxed and refreshed. Ten, nine, eight..." and just like in the beginning she went through the numbers. And just like before, Claire could feel a subtle change. "Two, one, zero."
Claire opened her eyes, blinking as her eyes focused. She sat up slowly, her expression creased with contemplation.
"You okay?"
"Um...yeah." a pause as she put her feet back on the floor, Terminus grumbling as he was vacated once again. "I...I don't feel any different."
"That's okay. Like Dr. Ballad and I said, this is a long term, not-so-immediate treatment. It will take a few sessions for the results to actually manifest. You actually took to it quite easily, which isn't common especially during the first session."
"Guess I'm good at following orders." an almost unconscious response.
"Do you think you could commit to it, give it a week at least?"
Claire rubbed the back of her neck, hunching forward. "Dr. Ballad hasn't steered me wrong yet...yeah, I can."
"Please don't feel like I'm trying to push you,"
"I don't. Even if I did...a little push might be just what I need."
Author's Note: This one felt a little weird, at least the last part did. But I think I've reached that strange point where part of me is ready for the story to be over while the other part of me is still trying to write. I hit this lull with every fic, so it's nothing to really worry about. Anyhow, trying to get the murder mystery back in the spotlight and balance it with the remainder of the bulk of Claire's therapy. Speaking of which, hypnotherapy is a legit thing and I've experienced it first hand. I'm pulling most of it from memory, which is only so reliable as it was easily ten years ago. In any case, there's still one great big hurdle Claire is going to cross before she can go home, and I have a feeling some of you guys are going to lose your shit when it comes along. Per the usual, thanks for all the love and support from my audience, and I'm still taking questions for the video if you have them. If you're saving them for when the fic is finished, that's cool too. I'll be sure the give a final notice with the last chapter. Love you all and see you next chapter!