Red Alert listened with a fast draining face as his captors began cheerfully listing what sort of tortures they were about to expose him too. Inferno, close by, growled softly, optics steadily narrowing as Red Alert back grew stiffer and stiffer.

Neither were sure how they were going to pull themselves out of the grip of the captors and into freedom, but both were willing to die trying. Anything would be better then this. "And then, you got Wheeljack making the veil-"

Red Alert seriously thought about it for a single second. A silver-white veil over his face, chaffing his delicate horns, and obscuring his view. He'd look ridiculous, and everybody would laugh- those not trying to kill him at least.

That was the last straw. With a panicked scream, he hurtled off the medbay berth and for the open door. Blaster dove to intercept, only to be stopped by a body block from Inferno.

"Run Red! Run!"

"Slagit!" Jazz cursed softly in ten different languages, none of them human as he flicked on his comm. link. "We got a W.B. on the loose. Intercept and bring him back to the medbay gently, or Ratchet is gonna have all our afts-"

"Hah! You're not going to get me!" Red Alert nearly shrieked across the comm. link, "Just try it!"

There was the sound of metal crashing down the hallway, and Inferno grinned. "Go Red! Run! Get outta here!"

"I'm sorry for abandoning you Inferno." Red Alert murmured across the comm. link, "But they can't torture just one of us."

"Very true." Inferno agreed cheerfully. "Don't worry Red. I'll be fine."

Sideswipe shouts could be heard down the hallway, as he attempted to find the hiding security director. Sunstreaker grumbled as the minibots began to comb the vents. Blaster glanced down at the limping Steeljaw, before grinning. "Go ahead Steeljaw, go see if you can't track him down."

Steeljaw eagerly began to limp towards the medbay door, when it slid open to a limping Wyntermist and an silent Sunmoon. Ironhide followed close behind. "Where's Red?"

"He took off like a bat outta the pits when we told him Wheeljack was making his veil."

Ironhide grimaced, "I don't blame him then. Where's Ratchet? The kid damaged his leg out there."

"Really?" Jazz head craned to look at the white and blue mech sitting on a nearby berth, watching them all with confused optics. "Hey kid, what happened out there?"

"Apparently Red Alert kicked someone else out of his path to becoming the best security director, and that mech didn't like it. So in order to kill Red Alert, he tried to capture me and use me as leverage, though I'm guessing that didn't work because there was a huge searching party-"

Jazz whistled softly. "Wow, sounds like it's what a half-baked excuse of an author would write."

"Half-baked? Isn't that being nice?" Blaster asked, "Sounds more like a half-wit. I know that a lot of our battles with Megatron since we came to Earth seem to of been directed by a buncha hacks attempting to get money or something, but still!"

Inferno shrugged easily. "Yeah, that's true."

All mechs in the room fell silent as they considered the implications. "We're living in a soap opera, ain't that for sure." Jazz at last cracked, as the door slid open ominiously. "Sorta cross with E.R. or somethin'. Just add the angry, weld-wielding doctor-"

"Jazz."

Jazz jumped, before turning to see the scowling Ratchet. He held Steeljaw underneath one arm. "What. Did. I. Say. To. You. About. Red?"

"Erm, not to overly stress him?"

"Did it occur to you that telling him that Wheeljack was helping out in this was going to stress him? Along with Perceptor?"

"I didn't get to the part about Perceptor. I was just describing the rituals humans went through, from the kissing in front of everyone to the veil." Jazz grinned. "Ya shoulda seen their expressions when I said that they had to kiss in front of everyone. I was sure they were going to melt right through the floor in embarrassment."

Inferno regarded his hands, as he said slowly, "I never kissed anyone before."

"You what?" Jazz twisted to look at Inferno. "You never kissed- then that means-"

Inferno heated up under the incredulous gazes, angrily glaring back. "I gave my mom a vow not to interface until I got bonded. I've held to that vow, and I'm not going back."

There was a shriek down the hallway, and a roar echoed down towards the medbay, "There he goes! Catch him!"

Inferno looked extremely worried. "C'mon Red, ya gotta avoid them. Ya just gotta."

Ratchet took a deep, calming breath, and counted to ten to see if it would keep him from hitting Jazz upside the helm for being such a stupid idiot.

It didn't help, and Ratchet felt a much more smug satisfaction of slamming the wrench into the berth beside Jazz and watching them all jump like guilty sparklings with their hands caught in the cookie jar.

"If Red Alert is not back in this medbay in three orns, I will personally reformat you into a phonograph Jazz."

"Yessir!" Jazz saluted sharply, without a touch of sarcasm as he beat a hasty retreat. Inferno regarded Blaster hopefully.

"Can I go?"

"No, we gotta keep you here so that way you don't run off after Red Alert." Blaster replied easily.

Ratchet spotted Wyntermist damaged leg, and grunted once, softly. Wytnermist looked at him hopefully, optics pleading for help. The medic sighed as he began working on the damaged leg. Sunmoon sat silently, watching Wyntermist with hooded optics.

0o0o0o0o0

Red Alert slunk through the hallways, keeping to badly lit, barely used corners of the Ark. Cameras whirled softly, but he knew its patterns by spark. It was impossible for him not to know where each camera was pointed, how long it would be on screen, and if his chronometer was correct, then he would be able to pinpoint when exactly the camera would be on a screen in the Control Room.

He needed to switch up the cameras, but he was still attempting to handle the Ark, let alone change his security plans with a randomness that would throw any spies off.

No-

Red Alerts optic ridges furrowed as he heard the sound of metal scraping against metal, and the soft arguing voices.

"Slag it, if you would just hold still I might be able to pull you out-"

"Hurry it up, would you? My gears aren't what they used to be, and I can't stay in this position for any amount of time."

Red Alerts optic ridge furrowed even more. The voices were distinctly familiar, but so rough, he couldn't actually place where he had heard them before.

Silently he stepped forward, and stopped dead, as a voice he remembered too well cursed soundly. "Slag it, you're too old to go around, trying to break into places!"

"I just wanted to test out his security systems."

"Maybe you could've run a different test, or sent me in alone?"

"Nonsense."

Yes, same old Cameralift. And Topbox. Aye, yi, yi… Cameralift, what did you do to yourself this time? Red Alert considered the wall as a way to end his pain mercifully quick.

Anything but a grill down from Cameralift about security right now seemed the best option. Even kissing Inferno in front of everybody. Huh, that might be a good way to declare he's mine. Maybe the human custom isn't so bad. Declares your territory.

Red Alert shook his head, attempting to clear his CPU of traitorous thoughts. He was not going to stand in front of a huge group of mechs and humans to declare that Inferno was all his and nobody else's. mine.

"Cameralift, I swear if you don't stop moving-" Exasperation colored Topbox voice, a normal emotion for all those who had to deal with the irascible, incorrigible old mech.

Everyone had to hand it to Topbox however. The mech had managed to keep ahold of his sanity quiet well, even if he was prone to having to move about and keep busy, and the smile that was perpetually plastered to his face was often becoming more and more cynical.

"Who's there?" Topbox suddenly called out, and Red Alert realized that he had been drifting.

"Topbox, Cameralift. I should've known." Red Alert sighed as he stepped out of the shadows and around the corner.

Only to stop dead. Cameralift, despite the fact that his gears obviously wouldn't allow such movement, had tried worming his way in through the ventilation shafts. Now he was hanging half-in, half-out of the ventilation shaft, as Topbox attempted to gently extract him.

Gently being the key term here. Red Alert doubted Cameralift would come loose with anything less then a solid shove and a painful tumble to the floor. Topbox sighed in relief as Red Alert appeared. "Red Alert, it's just you. Good. Come help me please."

Red Alert stepped forward to assist Topbox, as Cameralift sighed. "I really have gotten too old for this."

"That you have." Red Alert agreed.

Cameralifts optics fell upon Red Alert thoughtfully, before barking, "Security protocol three!"

"Determine whether or not the mech or femme in front of you is actually the one they claim to be." Red Alert snapped back instantly. "Followed by the subsequent privacy information act."

"Good. You haven't been slacking."

Red Alert muttered under his vocalizer as he gave Cameralift a none too gentle tug out of the ventilation shaft. Metal squealed horribly, before Cameralift at last popped out.

All three went down in a heap, and Red Alert gasped as his internal wiring protested. They had been protesting before, but at a tolerable level. It was no longer quiet so tolerable. They were all now protesting violently at the weight and combined stress from the tugging and running.

With a quiet groan of pain, he curled up around his stomach area. "What's the matter?" Cameralift demanded. "Did I hit you too hard?"

"No. I haven't been feeling too well lately." Red Alert gasped, "I just escaped the medbay-"

Cameralift glanced at Topbox, and all three looked up, as triumphantly Hound broke into the storage room, followed by Mirage. "See, I told you he'd be back here!"

"Red Alert-"

Red Alert dove behind Cameralift. "Cameralift! Make them stop! Make them go away!" The pleading wail rose petulantly into the air.

Cameralift turned, optic ridge cocking upwards as he glanced down at the curled up Lamborghini. "Since when did I become your mother? Besides, what happened to all those lessons in self-confidence?"

"They vanished the second that they started planning my bonding ceremony." Red Alert shivered, optics looking at him pleadingly. "Please?"

"Bonding ceremony huh?" Cameralift turned to look at the two quiet Autobots, gaping at them. "You two, Mirage I recognize, I'm not so sure about you- what bonding ceremony?"

"For- for human-Autobot relations. To show how well we've come to understand earth culture…"

"Good. Where do I sign up?"

"CAMERALIFT!" Red Alert wailed, "You traitor!"

Cameralift smirked as he hauled himself to his feet, unable to stop his hands from rubbing together. "Oh, you have no idea. Now Topbox, help me here."

Topbox arms crossed as he stared pointedly at Cameralift. "No."

"No?"

"It's my off hour." Topbox sniffed. "Go do your own dirty work."

Cameralift seemed genuinely puzzled by this statement, as he twisted to look at the pouting Topbox. Red Alert, sensing the calm before the storm, began to back up. Cameralift smiled. Scarily, all teeth bared. "Your off hour?"

"That's right. And threatening me about Sparkdance, Auroa, or any of the other femmes won't change my CPU."

"Won't it?" Cameralifts smile changed more to the grin that eerily resembled the humans' crocodile. Hound and Mirage took a step back, as Red Alert watched with slightly envious optics as Cameralift charged the air with static.

"Yes." Topbox snapped back. "Just so you know, I refuse to help you any further."

Cameralift nearly sang as he questioned gently, "Do you remember two nights ago, when you were drunk?"

Topbox glowered suspiciously at Cameralift. "Yes…"

"Well, I took advantage of the opportunity to learn new things about you. I never knew your creators had a nickname for you. I'm quiet sure the lovely little femme, what was her name?"

Topbox teeth ground, as he glowered. "Oh yes, that's right- I remember her name, Dancesweep. I'm sure she would absolutely love the nickname to join her long list of others for using in public places and humiliating you-"

Hound grinned at Mirage as he murmured, "Ten to one this is where Red learned how to blackmail."

"I'm doubt even Smokescreen would bother betting against that." Mirage murmured back softly.

Hound approached Red Alert, "Red- Ratchet is threatening to reformat us all into calculators. Says that even Calculators will be smarter then us, because at least they're a little useful. I for one wouldn't like to be a calculator."

"Your own problem." Red Alert said, slowly backing up as Hound approached. "I was hired on to make sure 'Cons didn't kill you. Ratchet is outta my league."

"But you could prevent it by coming back. We can't marry you off for awhile anyways. We got word that several leaders from around the world want to come see us as well. They're planning on creating some sort of 'Peace Negotiation' or something like that, so that way a whole bunch of dignitaries will come and watch. The wedding won't take place until spring time anyways, at the rate Perceptor is going with the flowers-"

Red Alerts face drained of all color. "Perceptor? Flowers?"

As if on cue, Perceptors voice drifted down the hallway. "Prime, I'm afraid we have a setback. All of the flowers for some odd reason snap whenever we get near."

Hound and Mirages optics met each others in disconcertion, before Red Alert shook his head. "NO!" Cameralift and Topbox looked up as Red Alert dove for the door.

"Topbox, get him!" Cameralift roared at Topbox. Topbox, with a sigh, saluted and rushed off muttering under his vocalizer about bosses whom were becoming useless from old age.

As Topbox rushed off, Cameralift approached the two mechs. "So, you two have been under Red Alerts guidance for awhile, correct?"

"Yes…" Hound said slowly, as Mirage wondered if it was possible to cut and run.

"Good, good. I've been meaning to check over his security measures, but-"

There was the sound of soft swearing, before Topbox came strolling back, shoving the scowling Red Aelrt in front of him. "You know very well it's easier to humor him in his old age. Escape later." Topbox was clearly giving Red Alert points. Well within Cameralifts auditory range.

"Topbox!"

"Yes Boss?" Topbox smiled sweetly at the stuttering mech.

"How dare you say that I'm old! Humor me if you must, but I'm not that old yet."

"Old mech, you were still here when the Quintessions were on Cybertron!"

"Phah! I was just a litt- I mean I wasn't created then! I wasn't!"

---

a/n: What? Really, why are you all wondering why there was nothing but a filler chapter? I wanted humor. And Cameralift needed to come back to hand off Red to Inferno-

I'll stop there before all details of the wedding spread. As for all my faithful readers, I got a poll going up on my account. Please swing by sometime and vote.