Everything Changes
(Adopted from Muse of Apollo by permission of author.)
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: Chapters 1-4 are loosely based on works of Courtesy of Muse of Apollo rewritten with permission. End of Season 2 AU, Everything Changes when Beckett leaves with Demming, Castle has had enough, Original concept based on abandoned story by Matt, Muse of Apollo. Rated M
I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only
This one is for Deathjest to avoid the cliffhanger, well almost
Chapter 14
Previously
"Hey Rick, wanted to check to see if you are OK before we head back, sorry you and Roz got hurt"
"Thanks, Espo, would have been a hell of a lot worse if not for Roz, she's a hero."
"Well someone asked me to drop this off, so I'll get out of your hair, holla at me when you feel up to it,"
Rick looks at the envelope, since it was from the hospital it yielded no clues, but when he opened it and read the first line, he went cold, debating whether to continue to read or just burn it,
Hampton's Memorial Hospital
9:30 PM Same Day
He should have seen it coming, Espo would always go the extra mile for Kate, regardless if he knew she was right or wrong. All he had caught before he stuffed the papers back into the envelope was
"Dear Rick,
All I ask is that you give me the time to read this letter, I don't deserve it, but I am asking anyway, PLEASE, just read it.
He had waffled back and forth what he should do, when it hit him what he had taught his daughter, everyone deserves 2nd chances to present their story, you don't have to forgive, but you do have to show the common courtesy to read what they took the time to write.
Damn it to Hell, why did Alexis thought have to pop into his head at that very moment. Why did he always take the high road, what had it gotten him? Who's he kidding, he was more blessed than millions of men who shared the same passion for writing, he thought it had to have something to do with doing the right thing over doing things right, a rule he lived by.
He had been moved to a private room about an hour ago, with Roz right across the hall, he had the beds positioned so she could see into his room should she wake and have a panic attack. He didn't think he would have to worry,
Mike hadn't left her side since their confession to each other, and he had worried over her like a mother hen. If that's what love was, then Erin truly did love him, she could never stop doing things for him, always putting him before her every need or want. He shut his eyes and for the first time in forever let his memory take him back to the days with Erin, when all he wanted was to make enough money to buy her an engagement ring.
He remembered, for the first time in almost 18 years how he had felt when she cried and answered yes through her tears and treasured the little stone as if it were the Hope Diamond. She was happy and she made him happy, truly happy. For a few months, life couldn't have been any better, then one night, and he never felt so low in all his life.
No one knew how close he had come to ending it all, somehow, he didn't measure up, he was a loser with the capital L all over his head. He hurt, worse than he thought he ever could, and it wasn't just his heartache of a broken love, it was physical pain. Then just as she had, he escaped into alcohol to escape the loneliness, but that led to him and Meredith's tryst in bed, and her winding up pregnant, just proving how easily Erin's story could be proved.
He was raised never knowing his father, he would never do that to any child he fathered, so he married Meredith, well that worked out so well. At least he got his greatest gift in life, his daughter, perhaps that's how Erin had felt as well, he was too proud to ask her even though he knew her marriage was over and there was a clear path, stubborn fool is all he can say looking back.
Truth be told he only started dating Gina for sex, and because he had heard Erin had a new fiance, well once again in too deep so he married and Erin stayed single, her engagement ended one week after it was announced. By then it was too late, he was committed, so he went through with the wedding, and he tried, he really did, and in all honesty so did Gina. He wouldn't share his life's greatest treasure, his daughter, and Gina wouldn't live a lie, it was marriage all the way or no way. Two marriage, two divorces, by this time he began to think like many, perhaps he wasn't meant to live with a mate, just raise his daughter and write his books.
His memories now flooded with how hard he had worked trying to woo Beckett, if he had spent half the effort with Gina, he would still be married, Hell, if he had been as forgiving to Erin as he had Kate, he would have been married to her, he knew that in his heart. How many times had she pushed him away, belittled him, paid his kindness back with statements like "Its my life Castle", or "You think you know me but you don't", and yet he persevered in his quest to make her his.
The definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over in the same manner and expecting different results, guess he could claim insanity if he had to take the this to relationship court.
Well time to get back to the original problem, he knew in his heart he owed it to himself if not her, the effort to read what she had written. Well no time like the present he thought as he retrieved the letter from the nightstand and pulled the sheets from the envelope. He was over his anger, and most of his hurt towards Kate now, thinking of his and Erin's early days gave him something he had forgotten for a long time. He could be happy, and he could make his spouse happy as well. Oh well here goes,
"Dear Rick,
All I ask is that you give me the time to read this letter, I don't deserve it, but I am asking anyway, PLEASE, just read it. You probably hate me, and I wouldn't blame you if you did. What I did to you, the department, even to Demming was unforgivable, but the one person who had done everything for me, I singled out to hurt the most.
I can't tell you why Rick, the only thing I know is you scare the hell out of me, when I'm with you, I feel things I have never felt before. Even though I mock you when you protect me, I have never had anyone love me enough to do what you do, over and over, and for what, more ridicule, more of Kate's sarcasm or worse yet, her substitution where she parades men that aren't half the man you are in front of you. I am so sorry, I don't have the words stronger than that, I know that means little to you, especially now.
Lanie told me I had pulled your heart out of your chest, stomped on it, then brought a boyfriend to walk all over it with you watching, at first I thought she was a little dramatic, but looking back, it's more accurate than I want to admit.
I am ashamed, and deeply disappointed in myself that I treated anyone, much less you, in such a shitty manner, no other word to use, it's deplorable and I can't say I am sorry enough or with enough conviction to earn your forgiveness. I jumped to a conclusion, I never bothered to check for as you say, "the rest of the story", I just assumed that the divorces were your fault. I assumed that you cheated on your wives, they caught you and then you were treated like you deserved.
I never thought once, how the hell does a father get custody, full custody of a 3 month old baby, we both have worked enough cases to know that that happens once in a life time unless the mother is so corrupt, or she walks away from motherhood.
I'm sorry, again Rick, I'm shedding tears for the hurt you must have felt when I threw out those careless and hurtful barbs, it was I who was the ignorant pompous ass, and thinking back had I bothered to read your facial expressions I knew that I had hurt you, but sadly I didn't care. What does that say about me, I'm even worse than the people I loathe. You said it often; people make mistakes, and forgiveness is easier than forgetting.
Rick, I am begging of you to forgive me, I know this is something it will take a long, long time if ever to forget, but I am asking, pleading, for you to forgive me, and let us start as friends without all of this baggage I have added needlessly, and unmercifully to you. I don't know how you have carried this heavy load, and still talked to me,
I have been banished from your case, and I totally understand why. Erin loves you more than she does herself, so she will go to no end to protect you, like I should have done, because yes, as crazy as it may sound I Love You Richard Castle, I have for a long time. You're probably thinking if my actions of late is how I show you love, count you out, I wouldn't blame you. I have to live with the guilt that you and Roz got injured by a lunatic that all started when you risked your life to save mine and Jordan's, and once again I leave you with the crap to clean up.
Rick, I would take a bullet for you, I love you that much, BUT I also know how empty those words must sound to you now. You have told me more than once my actions write volumes, my words wouldn't fill a post a note, and you're correct. Rick, PLEASE tell me what I have to do to start over with you, if you think you are reading the words from a broken woman, you're right.
I'm finally accepting it's my fault, no one else's, no one twisted my arm and forced me to act like super bitch, please tell me that counts for something, or at least I think it does. I can't even blame a bad childhood or the murder of my Mom on my actions, I don't know why, I wish I did know why I did what I did.
I just got word that you and Roz are going to be OK, prayers are answered, I don't know if I could have lived with myself had something happened to either of you. Erin asked me to set aside our differences to assist you, I couldn't even answer her and she assumed it was because I never cared, that was wrong, it's because I don't know what I would do if something ever happened to you.
I know this letter has rambled, and I'm sorry, I should do a word count to see how many times I've said that, no matter the count it would never be enough. Rick, what I'm saying is, PLEASE before you commit to someone, at least let me meet with you to talk face to face, that's my only request. If I were you and had my choices of an Erin who had proved she loved you over and over, and someone like me, being honest, I wouldn't have made it this far in this letter.
I'll wait for your response with a hopeful heart, If you agree we can meet in a public place so Erin won't have to worry, I won't do anything more to hurt you or her, I've done enough of that to last a lifetime. If no response comes, I'll understand and I'll do what you did for me, step aside even though I'm not sure how I will make it through a day without you, I'll do it if that makes you happy,
Rick, my heart is on these pages, I hope you saw the real Kate, and know just how sorry I am, and one last thing, I love you Richard Castle, and I will Always, even if you are with someone else, you will still own a piece of my heart, and you always will,
I love You,
Kate,
Rick is surprised by the openness of Kate, but once again even Kate has referenced just how much Erin loves him, hell everyone see's it. Well, this is one issue that he is definitely going to discuss with Erin, no lies in this relationship, not if it goes where he hopes she wants it to.
As much as it pains him, his heart feels sorrow for Kate, but any love that was there, or at least he thought was had been killed, murdered by the Detective herself. He realized that the moment he allowed the love for Erin to return his feelings for Kate were gone. She had asked for forgiveness, he could do that, she asked for a face to face, yeah not that she deserved it, but he did, to end any relationship professionally.
Rick is listening to the free radio and a song comes on as he is thinking and evaluating both his time with Erin, and Kate, and he realizes this is the story Erin has lived since he broke up with her, still loving him even through it all.
A Thousand Years
Christina Perri
The day we met,
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I'd found a home for my heart
Beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
I'll love you for a thousand more
Ohh
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Songwriters: David Hodges / Christina Perri
Rick pulls his phone out and for the first time in quite a while he types in a familiar phone number in his text box.
"Kate, I got your letter, all 11 pages, quite a bit to digest. I promise I will read it with an open mind, but you already know how deeply I have been hurt, just trying not to keep your hopes up needlessly. Roz is doing well, she saved mine and 2 other lives today, so take it easy on her when she returns, she took a shitty role and played her part perfectly. Main thing, Dunn is now in a place he will never get out, that closes the chapter, and probably the book, we'll discuss when I am up to it, Good Luck with your PIP,
Rc
Kate is laying on her couch half crying half reading every note, every coffee cup lid, everything that Rick had written to her, when her phone pings,
She doesn't recognize the number on the new text, then her heart skips a beat, it's Rick and he sent her a text. Her excitement turns to despair quickly as she reads what he has written, more importantly, she can read what he hasn't, and the tears come in earnest knowing what is about to happen.
TBC