Chapter 13

Logan woke with the dawn, his body alerting him from his somnolent state that he was alone in bed: Lorelei was gone.

He peered down at Jamie's nest of blankets, and the dark-haired little boy was still asleep, thumb in his mouth. Logan sighed with relief, then leapt up and out the door, too wild to find her to get dressed.

Her scent in the air was fresh, and he followed it easily to the lake, where she sat on the ground looking out at the water, wrapped in the quilt from their bed. He was panting from running the whole way, and he took a few deep breaths, then sat down naked behind her, his legs on either side of her and her back snug to his chest, keeping his hands neutrally resting on his thighs; he didn't ask her if she wanted him to sit down with her, because he was too afraid that she'd say no.

Logan was still for a long moment, then bent his head and kissed her shoulder, through the quilt. "I'm sorry."

"I know," she said, and he could smell her tears in the air.

"I thought for a second that you had left. Left me."

She made a scornful noise, which was very unlike her. "I'm your wife, Logan. That means something to me."

He was taken aback by her implication. "It means something to me, too."

"Does it?" she choked, sounding close to crying again. "Logan, I married you because I love you. Not because I was pregnant, or because I needed your protection. But why did you marry me? Am I just- just- a vessel, for you to fill as you please?"

"No." His vehemence turned quickly to anger. "No, and I have never treated you like that. I love you."

"Then what happened?" she cried, her tears falling faster. "Last night . . . that just wasn't you."

"Yes, it was," he said stonily. "I tried to tell you a long time ago that there is an animal in me - it's a struggle to keep it down. Sometimes the Wolverine comes out, takes what is mine."

"When have I ever denied you?" She scooted forward, away from him, so that she could turn to look at his face. "I am your wife; I am not your mate. I am NOT just something for you to come home and fuck, with no explanation."

She rose to her feet, but he was sitting on the quilt that covered her, and it slipped off her shoulders, falling across Logan's legs. He flinched when he looked at her body: he could see purple finger-shaped bruises on each hip, a livid red hickey on her neck, and probably most shameful of all, a semicircle of teeth marks on one breast.

He jumped up immediately, holding the quilt and wrapping it around her, along with his arms. His male posturing all fell away from him, replaced by disappointment and self-loathing for treating his wife this way. He crushed her to his chest. "Forgive me. Lorelei - I don't know how to do this. I want to be the man you need. But the animal is always there, inside me.

"Before, on the Island, you were taken from me, and that scared the shit out of me; it makes me feel like I'm not protecting you, or I'm not keeping you safe. Fear takes me someplace primal, every time. It makes me treat you like your Alpha, not your husband. But I don't want you to need protection from me. I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?"

"Yes." She laid her head on his shoulder, relaxing slightly. "But what is it that you are afraid of?"

He hesitated, and she pressed him. "Logan, you aren't being honest with me."

"It's Victor. Last night, just before I . . . came inside to you, I found him watching you on the shore while you were bathing, and jacking himself at the same time. Aargh!" Logan half-howled as his rage flared. "He wants you. I'm never going to let him get near you. Just thinking about all this makes me want to throw you down and have you again - the damn animal urges. I won't," he added quietly, his voice breaking slightly. "I wouldn't do that to you. Not after what I did last night. God, I'm so fucking sorry, Lorelei."

Her voice was a whisper. "But you said that- that you told him to leave?"

"Yes." He tightened his arms around her in a hug and kissed her hair. "Come back with me, please. Let me wash you off."

He picked her up in his arms, cradling her to his chest, and walked back to their house. He laid her carefully on their bed, covered in the quilt, and slipped on his jeans to scoop up little Jamie, still sleeping, and head outside. He came back in after a minute, alone, and told her, "Tanya's going to watch him today. I think we need some privacy, for now."

Logan heated water on the little stove, which they'd transferred over from the cabin, and poured the warm liquid into a bowl, grabbing her towel off the peg, along with a smaller washcloth. He cast off the jeans, so that they were both naked, and he laid next to her on the bed, rolling her slightly to get the towel spread out underneath her.

She looked up at him, and he bent to kiss her forehead, then met her eyes. "Are you scared of me?" he asked her, softly.

She stroked his beard with her delicate fingertips. "Should I be?"

"Not any more," he replied firmly. He touched her lips with his, very gently. "And I never want to give you a reason to be, ever again."

Lifting himself up slightly on his elbow, he dipped the washcloth into the bowl of water that he'd balanced on the bed, squeezing out the excess drips. Slowly, reverentially, he touched the wet cloth to her breasts, wiping tenderly across her skin. He knew that he couldn't remove the marks that his teeth had made on her - those would have to heal on their own - but he wanted to cleanse her of the sweat and saliva that he knew he'd left behind during his insane hours of passion.

She closed her eyes, relaxing back into the pillow, and he soaked the cloth in water again, this time dragging it across her belly, then around her neck and under her jaw. Logan lifted one corner of her towel to dry off the moisture, and plunged the washcloth back into the bowl, wringing it out well.

Now, he edged her legs apart and applied the cloth between them, holding it in place for a moment to act as a soothing compress, then making tiny, feathery motions to wipe her clean. She sighed, and he placed the bowl on the ground so that he could move himself closer to her, getting both arms around her and kissing into her hair. His solid body warmed her and she fell asleep, hearing his voice just before she drifted off: "I love you. And I'm sorry."

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Lorelei awoke a couple of hours later, stretching and rolling onto her side.

"Hi." Logan had brought a dining chair into the doorway of their small bedroom, and he was slumped in it, barefoot in just his jeans, watching her sleep.

"Hi," she said back, sitting up. He came right over and sat beside her, embracing her and rubbing her bare back. He'd been continually touching her all morning, deliberate contact that emphasized how gentle he usually was with her, how much their bodies responded to one other's - a demonstration to them both that on the spectrum of man to animal, he'd left behind the primal extreme in favor of his humanity.

"Will you get dressed? I want us to go for a walk," he told her. "I thought we should have some time alone today - just talking," he clarified, briefly stilling his hands in his lap.

"I agree," she assented, smiling at him, and he kissed her as he stood up to grab a shirt.

Once they were both fully attired, they walked outside, the morning slightly overcast, and Logan led her down the path to the lake, holding her hand. They took off their shoes to follow the shoreline, finally winding up all the way on the other side of the water, where there were huge rocks that jutted out into it. Climbing up them, Logan boosted her high, taking her to a plateau with a clover-covered meadow, the sunlight just barely breaking through the clouds to shine down upon them.

"This is beautiful." Lorelei beamed. "How have we lived here two years and I've never seen this?"

"I just found it the other night, when I was running . . . with Victor," replied Logan, still grimacing a little at mentioning his brother's name. "But I only saw it in the darkness, so I thought it would be pretty to bring you here during the day."

"Thank you," she said, standing on tiptoe to kiss his beard.

"Come sit with me," he gestured to a particularly dense-looking patch of green. "I want to talk to you . . . discuss things."

The suggestion was a significant one coming from her normally taciturn husband, and Lorelei sat down next to him. He tenderly picked up her hands.

"I love you," he began. "You - and Jamie - are my everything. I was thinking this morning about me, well, going crazy last night. I gave in to instincts, I let the animal take over. I know that. But that makes me worried for you, and it's not who I want to be for you. I don't ever want it to happen again.

"And I realized," he continued, "that I just didn't ever woo you."

She had to smile. "Woo me?"

He smiled back. "You know. Court you. Win you over."

"My love, I am won," she insisted, pressing his hands to her heart.

He kissed her. "I know, Baby. What I mean is that when we were first . . . us, we were both already living under the same roof, at Xavier's. We met, we were colleagues, then we were lovers. I saw you, and I knew you were perfect," he kissed her again, "and I had to have you. It was instinctual.

"Then we found out that Jamie was on the way," he smiled, "and you became the mother of my child, and I protected you both. Instincts again. Things have been moving so fast since then, we can barely keep up. And I think that I need to set the instincts aside, and allow myself to really get to know the woman I love."

Lorelei listened and thought about all this, and she nodded. "I agree. I wouldn't change what we have now for anything, Logan. I love you and I love Jamie, and here is where I want to be." She placed their clasped hands on his chest. "But," she said, moving closer and laying herself halfway across his lap, "I want to know all of you, too. I think it will help me to better understand you, and the Wolverine. The man, and the animal inside." She ran her fingertips over the backs of his hands.

He cuddled her carefully in his arms and kissed her, then pulled back to look at her. "So first, Lorelei, I need to know you. What do you want?"

She was pensive for a moment, then looked up. "I want . . . to try suppressing my powers. It could make a difference for me, maybe, if I'm actually successful. And I didn't know why you were so opposed to it."

"Because I'm a grumpy asshole, and I don't like change," he admitted. "It freaked me out when I could feel you doing that to me. I'm just so used to processing your signature in one way." He illustrated this by leaning forward, his hands on her shoulders, and running his nose up her neck, behind her ear, and taking a big whiff of her hair.

"And, I think . . . it made me nervous about us," he said in a quieter voice.

"What do you mean?" Lorelei asked him.

"When we were first together, you told me that it was how you knew my feelings for you were real: because I could block your sensory projections with my own ability, you knew that I wasn't just being affected by the Siren." He looked down. "I guess I was worried that . . . if you could make it so that no one could feel your abilities, did that make me less- less- "

"Special?" Lorelei ventured.

He shrugged. "Needed." She rose up onto her knees, holding him and pressing his face softly to her breasts. It had never occurred to her that this big, sexy, kind, wonderful man would ever feel insecure. "Nothing could change what you mean to me, James," she whispered in his ear. "I will always love you and need you. And that's not why I would want to suppress my mutation. I just want to know that, if I ever had to, I could."

He nodded. "I think I'll let you try on me again - but later," he affirmed.

She moved back into his lap. "Logan? Can you tell me what you want?"

He squeezed her. "I want . . . someone to go run with, in the night. Until I did that again with my brother, I didn't realize how much I missed it. And maybe that will help me with releasing that aspect of the Wolverine some, so that I don't try to do it with you. So yes, it would be nice to have someone to do that with. I guess I'll be able to take Jamie, once he's not so little," he finished speculatively.

"What about a dog?" Lorelei suggested. "I, um, I really hope that's not offensive," she rushed to add.

He laughed loudly. "No, not offensive. And you're right. A dog would be a good idea, and might actually be able to keep up with me."

Lorelei grinned, and then started twisting her fingers in her hair. "I want . . . to teach again," she said slowly. "I actually really liked it, when we were at Xavier's. I miss my students, and grading their Chem exams." She caught his eye with a twinkle in her own. "I miss figuring things out in my head and doing equations. Being home with Jamie was such a precious time for me, but now that he's getting bigger, I feel okay about the idea of being away from him sometimes, if I were teaching. And I think . . . that's part of the reason I want to suppress my powers. So that I can be around people, around students, and feel secure if I could find a job again."

Logan showed mild surprise. "I didn't realize that, but it makes sense, Baby. You are so smart, and you're a very good teacher. Of course I'd want to help you find a way to do something you enjoy."

"Thank you," she said modestly, blushing a little.

Logan took a deep breath. "I don't want . . . to have another baby." He looked at her, his eyes sad.

"I don't, either," Lorelei admitted. He searched her, trying to determine if she were just placating him. "Truly, Logan."

He pressed her hands with his. "Jamie is wonderful, he's the best thing ever. But I think we need to slow down the pace of our lives."

"And we wouldn't have to worry more about money, or safety," she said. "It is overwhelming, to think of you out at a job site, with me all alone trying to keep track of more than one child."

"I like things how they are now- " he said.

"Me, too," she interrupted.

"-and it's important to me that we have the chance to just be together. Do this kind of stuff: get to know each other," Logan finished.

"I agree," Lorelei affirmed. "I never got so far as to envision my life being married with kids. Because of my mutation, I just didn't know if that would ever happen. But now that I'm here, I love this, and it's enough.

"Remember when Hank was telling us about how unlikely it is for two mutants to have children?" she reminded him. "I've been kind of wondering if we just don't work that way together any more, after the one pregnancy."

"I know what you mean," said Logan. "Like there might be a reason that even though we're together all the time, no other little one has come along."

"So no second baby," said Lorelei.

"No second baby." He held her closely to him for a minute, kissing her forehead, eyebrows, and temples.

"I want . . . you to make love to me," Lorelei stated, her cheeks pink as she bit her lower lip.

He smiled. "I thought we were going to talk today - no sex? And didn't we just say we weren't going to have another baby?"

She slid her hands under his shirt, feeling the hard ridges of muscle there. "Let's roll the dice one more time," she said, covering his mouth with hers.

It was on the tip of Logan's tongue to refuse her more fervently, to pull her to her feet, to continue their careful conversation. But he realized that coupling with his wife - at her request, on her terms, acquiescing to her lead - would be the next step that brought them closer to healing what he had broken between them last night. She was showing her willingness to forgive him, and her sincere belief that he'd be able to surmount the Wolverine inside of him, and always be her loving, protective husband from now on.

Logan could see that tenderness and intimacy were what they needed at this moment, to drive away the spectre of his assault, before it forced an immoveable wedge between them. He laid back on the ground compliantly, his heavy torso expanding as he took a deep breath in, reveling in the scent of fir trees as Lorelei's long hair cascaded down around his face, and he kissed her.