THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 14 – Change of Heart

Another day of silence. Another day of brooding. Another day of one word answers.

Donna wanted to scream.

In the past, she'd have stormed into his office, told him what he was thinking, told him precisely what he needed to do and then watch him … eventually … take her advice and sort himself out.

That used to be the way things were, but things had changed. Their relationship had splintered into a hundred pieces – frustration, sadness, bitterness, anger, disappointment. She didn't know how to win him back and her heart had started to give up.

She'd told him she wanted to keep their relationship the way it had always been because she was frightened of risking something more and then losing him – when he screwed up. She hadn't trusted him enough and in the end, that decision had brought about the very thing she had feared. She was scared. Her heart was breaking and she couldn't fix it.

X X X

She arrived to work early as usual and bumped into Jessica in the lobby.

"Hi Donna, great to see you back."

"Oh, I got back yesterday." Donna twiddled nervously with the top of one of the coffee cups she'd carried up for her and Harvey.

"I know you did." Jessica lowered her eyelids and studied Donna's expression. Donna could feel her gaze burning her skin. "How's things?" she asked.

"Oh … uhm … fine," lied Donna. She knew that Jessica had had to put up with an angry Harvey for the past month. She knew, after everything that had happened with the firm that angry Harvey was the last thing she needed in her life.

Jessica turned on her heel, forcing Donna to stop walking and face her. "Things haven't been fine here, Donna." There was a hint of annoyance in her voice. "In fact, pretty much everything has gone to shit."

Donna's heart leapt into her throat. Was Jessica laying the blame at her feet?

"I wouldn't try to assume I can imagine what you've been through or what you're going through …" Jessica could see by Donna's frown that she was going to have to choose her words very carefully. She scanned the hall making sure nobody could hear her, then she lowered her voice to a whisper. "You've lost your spark and so has he. I hate seeing both of you like this."

Donna sighed and bowed her head. "I know." Her voice was weary and Jessica realised that the situation was spiralling out of control for Donna, as well as for Harvey.

"Are you in love with him?"

Donna gasped. "What?" Even though she'd been asked that question many times before, those were words she didn't expect to ever leave Jessica's mouth. The managing partner had always made it clear that she didn't want to get involved with personal matters.

"I asked if you were in love with him, because if you are, then you need to fight for him."

"I don't think I have any fight left, Jessica. He isn't listening to me."

"Find a way to make him listen." She looked around the hall, waiting for a couple of staff members to pass before speaking again. "Look, before you left I told Harvey the same thing. I told him he needed to fight and – well, let's be honest here – there's far more likelihood that you'll be able to find the right words to say to him than the other way around, so … please talk to him today. My nerves are shot. I'm going to kick his ass if I have to put up with anymore of this bullshit."

Donna twisted her mouth and scrunched up her nose. "That bad?"

"Worse." Jessica spun around again and started to walk back to her office. "You look great by the way. Very … uhm … blooming …"

Donna groaned inwardly at her choice of descriptor. "Thanks," she called after Jessica.

X X X

Harvey had been working in his office for an hour before Donna decided to go speak to him. It wasn't something she'd been looking forward to doing. She knew it was going to be hard, but if she didn't do it now, she'd lose another day because she had her doctor's appointment after lunch.

She peered tentatively through the glass doors of his office and waited in the doorway, resting her back on the doorframe.

"I know you're there," he said without taking his eyes off his console.

She tentatively walked inside the office, taking a seat on his sofa. She said nothing.

Harvey looked up from his computer and groaned. His eyebrows arched stiffly into a frown as he realised words were about to be spoken and he'd have to respond. He got up from his desk and walked over to her, taking a seat in the adjacent armchair. He straightened his suit and readied himself for what was to come.

"I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Do you want to come?"

Harvey bristled. "Wouldn't you rather take Louis?" He knew he was being petulant, but he didn't care.

Donna arched her eyebrow and looked at him as if he were an idiot. He was an idiot. "Ok, let's have it. You're pissed with me. Shall we start at the beginning?"

"I've no idea how to start this, Donna." He was angry. His face was flushed red and she could see sparks of fire in his eyes.

"Okay, then let me start." She adjusted her blouse and re-crossed her legs in an attempt to get comfortable. "I know I've screwed up Harvey. I know this is down to me."

Harvey sucked in a breath of air. Did he just hear that right? She screwed up. Did that mean she thought he hadn't screwed up?

"Please talk to me, Harvey."

"Donna … I …" He ran his hand through his hair, resting it on the back of his neck. "You've been away for a month. A goddamn month. You never said a word, you just left. I didn't even know if you were coming back."

"Harvey, I texted you a whole bunch of times letting you know where I was and that I was fine."

He rubbed the back of his neck and buried his eyes beneath an even heavier frown. "And if you think that made everything okay then you really don't have a clue. I never thought I'd ever be saying this to you. You know everything, right? Donna knows goddamn everything! Well either you actually know shit or you just don't give a shit, because where I'm sitting you must have known that running off after everything else you've done to me would be the same as pulling off the band aid and rubbing in salt."

Donna was hurt that he couldn't understand. Why couldn't he see things from her perspective? "So, is that why Scottie was present for my return yesterday?"

"What?" Harvey looked at her through narrowed eyes. Now she was provoking him. "Really, Donna? Really?" He raised his voice, making her jump.

"Come on, Harvey, you don't expect me to believe that was just a coincidence."

"No it wasn't just a coincidence but it had nothing to do with you. We've been working the same case for the past week, which you'd have known if you'd been here. We'd just reached an agreement and signed the deal. Seriously, what? You think I'm such an asshole that I sought out Scottie just to piss you off?"

Donna felt relieved, but she also realised she had been petty. "So what are we going to do, Harvey?"

"I don't know Donna, you tell me. You've spent a month with your parents and with friends. What do they think you should do?"

"Well my Dad wants me to move back to Cortland and maybe I should." The words left her mouth faster than she could stop them, tears filling her eyes as she remember how happy she was back home a few days ago.

Harvey felt like a knife had cut through his chest. "Well I'm guessing he must know the baby is mine if he wants you away from me." He was no longer outraged. Now he was devastated. "How angry is he?"

"Oh, he's pretty angry," said Donna. "But, that's because he wants the best for me. I'm always going to be his baby girl in pigtails and pinafores. He doesn't want to see me upset."

Every muscle in Harvey's body tensed, including the ones in his cheeks which were pulsing rapidly as the blood pumped angrily around his veins. "That's not down to me!"

Donna rested her arm on the back of the sofa facing him and rubbed her forehead. She wasn't getting anywhere, in fact she was making things worse. "I know it isn't down to you, Harvey. I told him it wasn't down to you. I went away because I needed a break and I wanted to spend some time with my family. I should be able to do that without returning to this."

Harvey sighed loudly. "I know. I just hate it when you're not here."

In all the years Donna had known Harvey they hadn't spent more than a week apart. She realised that the effects of her leaving had hit him hard. "I'm not going back to Cortland, Harvey. This is my home."

"Good."

They were back to one word answers again. And he still wasn't looking at her. She decided to change the subject. Sort of.

"Hey, I think I've been feeling the baby move already." She injected some enthusiasm into her voice hoping that it would perk him up.

He turned to look at her, the frown left his face instantly. "Have you? What's that like?" He smiled and his eyes pinged with excitement.

"It's really strange and really low down, it's like lots of little bubbles." Her hand moved over her belly as she talked about the tiny, fluttery movements she'd been feeling over the last few days.

"Wow." He grinned as she told him and she saw his eyes come back to life. "That's pretty awesome."

"It's totally awesome."

"You look great by the way."

She scrunched up her nose and frowned. "You think so?" She hadn't got used to her pregnant body yet and she couldn't imagine she looked better in her new maternity clothes than she did in her old designer dresses. She missed her old self.

"Sure. You look beautiful."

Donna felt herself blush. She couldn't remember Harvey calling her beautiful before.

"I'll be okay Donna. You needed time with your family. I get that. I need time too." He looked at her and held her gaze, searching her eyes for the assurance that she understood him. "I know this is bigger for you than it is for me. I'm going to be here and I'm always going to be here. I just need to get used to the fact we're going back."

"Going back?"

"Yes, going back to the way things were before."

"And do you think we can go back?"

"I don't know, but I'd rather try to go back and come to terms with that's all we are rather than keep on feeling the way I do right now." He shifted in his chair and looked away, resting his chin on his arm. He looked defeated. God, she had hurt him so much.

"Harvey, I don't know if I want to go back," she said as a short, breathy sob left her body. "I don't know … I think I could have made the worst mistake of my life … I don't know if that's what I want."

He turned to her again, his eyes glazing over as he watched her try to hold onto her tears. "Donna, please, don't do this to me now."

"I'm sorry … I …"

"Have you any idea what you did to me when you turned me down. It took everything … everything I had to tell you how I felt about you and it took even more to ask you …" His voice trembled as he forced out the words. "… to ask you to be mine."

"I know, Harvey. I knew from the beginning, I was just so scared … I …" She leant forward, hugging her body with her arms, before taking a deep breath and raising her head. Her eyes locked with his as she looked up. Both of them wondering if the other was going to risk the fight. "I love you so much." Her voice shattered into soft, painful cries as she spoke.

Harvey's heart ached as he watched her, but he didn't go to her. He couldn't. He stayed motionless in the armchair, resting his head in both of his hands. His brain working so hard to make sense of her words. He knew she hadn't ever been sure about her decision. He knew she loved him. It was her doubting him that had killed him. She didn't believe he was capable of having a relationship. She didn't have faith in him being there for her and the baby.

Donna stopped crying and sniffed, wiping the wetness from her face. "I'm sorry for doing this. I need to go now." She got up from the sofa, her legs wobbly, but carrying her out of the room swiftly. She needed some fresh air and she needed to leave Harvey to think about what she'd said to him, so she grabbed her bag and coat and left the office early for her doctor's appointment.

Harvey stayed where he was for a few more minutes. This is what Jessica had meant when she'd told him he'd have to fight for her. He either fought now, or he'd lose her and descend into even more misery.

X X X

Donna sat in the doctor's waiting room by herself. She'd thought about asking Rachel or Louis to join her, but it didn't seem right. She didn't want anybody to take Harvey's place so she went alone.

She flicked through a few magazines before getting bored with the celebrity drivel and putting them aside. Instead she watched the other two expectant moms in the room. One of them looked much further along in her pregnancy than Donna was and she sat hand in hand with her husband, both of them talking gently about how many times their baby had kicked today. The other mom had a smaller bump and was reading a storybook to a little girl who looked about three years old, while her husband was running down the hospital hallway after a toddler boy who looked like he'd just started walking. The little boy was laughing as his daddy chased after him and Donna felt a pang of sadness as she watched the hectic family command the attention of everybody in the room. That wasn't something she was ever going to have. She wasn't going to have a noisy family, it was only ever going to be her and her baby … with Harvey babysitting every other weekend so she could go on a date with somebody she couldn't ever love.

One of the women locked eyes with her and smiled. Was that a smile of pity for the single mom in the room? She wondered if it would be easier if she wore a fake wedding ring on her next appointment. She couldn't bear the pity of strangers.

She'd been sitting for almost half an hour when he sat down beside her.

She hadn't expected him to come. She thought he was too upset. She thought he might still be sitting on that chair in his office.

"You came." She smiled. She was happy he was there.

"Are we going to see stuff again?"

"Yes, I'm having my twenty week scan today."

Harvey's eyes beamed. "You are? Great." He hadn't even known what the appointment was for. He just knew deep within his soul that he had to be there. He wanted to be there.

"Thank you for coming, Harvey." She placed her hand tenderly on his arm.

He placed his hand on hers. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."