This makes up for lost time.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Chapter 14

10 Reasons Why I'm Still Here

Words: 3734

This is ridiculous. I am sitting at my desk writing this stupid list when I can be doing that stack of paperwork that Matsumoto's supposed to do. A grumble escaped the Tenth Division's Captain's throat.

...I read about how writing your feelings out on paper can help you figure things out when I was on a mission in the World of the Living. Those humans and their stupid activities.

I have no idea why I'm doing this but here goes nothing.

10 Reasons Why I'm Still Here

Seriously, being a Shinigami is not as great as everyone made it out to be. This job is crap. It makes me work over time almost every day, I risk my life almost every other day, I have to put up with the shit my vice-captain gives me, I have weird colleagues and I'm in constant suffering every moment I'm doing this job. Some idiot never fails to come up with a dastardly evil plan, no one is ever safe; Hyourinmaru gives me the attitude sometimes and my childhood friend is the densest person I ever know. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm still here, I might as well quit the post as a Captain, find a good place in the 1st District and elo-, I mean, run away and live by myself. So why the hell am I still here? Here's why:

1) I'm still here because I still have work to do.

People call me a workaholic, and I'm not going to deny that. There's so much paperwork to fill out, duties to assign, training to oversee and I simply can't leave all of it and just quit. Not to mention keeping my sorry excuse of a Vice-Captain in check. She never fails to increase my workload and even has the audacity to tell me to relax. With all the paperwork she leaves for me, I have no idea how she can say something like that. Seriously, where does all the paperwork go anyway? It better not be a waste of my efforts.

Of course, there's still the paperwork from the Fifth Division. They haven't got a Captain yet, so I've got no choice but to relieve some stress from Hinamori. She's been pushing herself recently, I hope she doesn't hurt herself. She always has this knack of bringing herself harm, even though it's unintentional sometimes. I better go check-

I'm deviating; this list is about why I'm still here. So next:

2) I'm still here because there are just so damn many idiots around, and I feel like it's my responsibility to eradicate them.

These buffoons honestly are unable to differentiate right from wrong so I have to teach them a lesson; instill social decorum in them. Thinking about their idiocy makes my blood boil, that's how serious their conditions are.

Apparently they think it's perfectly fine to talk to Hinamori in that manner; in a way that makes it seem as if they're flirting with her. Those ignorant fools. The moment they laid a finger on her, they didn't even know what hit them. They aren't supposed to touch her, or talk to her like that; they have no right. On the other hand, I do. I mean, they're not the ones who knew her since she was a child, nor call her 'Bed-Wetter Momo' nor are they the ones who would give everything and anything just to keep her safe.

What I mean is, they should be more appropriate when conversing with a Vice-Captain.

3) I'm also still here because my help is needed pretty badly. I'm not being arrogant or anything, but Soul Society needs me.

Seireitei needs me. Hina-the Gotei 13 needs me. And even though they give me shit to deal with every single day, I'm not the kind who will leave my comrades in the lurch.

Where would Gotei 13 be if I'm not the Captain of the Tenth Division? With almost everyone being either weird or annoying, I doubt Gotei 13 and last much longer without normal people like me and Kuchiki. Besides, I'm responsible for the snowflakes during winter and I heard the people of Soul Society love it. And Hinamori needs me too. She's such a klutz and can hurt herself any time.

She's been through a lot, much more than someone like her can take, than she deserves. Aizen (that bastard) deserves more than just being locked up in some cell for inflicting that sort of pain on Hinamori. She's already broken as she is.

Even without Aizen (that asshole), she can still manage to hurt herself. That's why it's ludicrous that she argued how she's able to carry out that mission in the World of the Living when she can't even supervise a training session without hurting herself.

So it's damn right I have to protect Hinamori, and the rest of Soul Society too of course.

4) I'm still here because even though I have weird colleagues, this is the only place where there are more than two people who would celebrate festivals and events with me (the two being Hinamori and Obaa-chan).

As much as I hate to admit it, it can be rather pleasant to have your friends, I mean, subordinates and co-workers to celebrate and even organize festivities with you (no matter how much I protest; and except for drinking parties). Rukongai was never like this, despite living in the 1st District. You look weird and just like that, everyone avoids you. But Hinamori didn't, I've no idea why but she just didn't. That's why I'm glad I have her with me...which makes me think about the time Matsumoto and the others wrapped her up as a present.

It was my birthday and Matsumoto decided to celebrate it along with Christmas, knowing full well how much I hate parties. She went along with it anyway, and Abarai came out in the middle of the party with a huge box wrapped in blue paper. It turned out to be Hinamori hiding in the box and Matsumoto said something about my "long-awaited present which I can finally take home"...that idiot. But it seemed Hinamori had passed out in the box because those idiots forgot to poke holes in it. I remember freezing them out in the open, where it was snowing, and left them there. Obviously, the party had to be cut short because I wanted to- I mean, I had no choice but to take care of Hinamori. It was a lousy party anyway.

It wasn't a bad experience I must admit, because Hinamori wore pastel purple yukata and did give me a birthday gift when she woke up, but that's beside the point.

The point is, your subordinates and co-workers may be a bunch of idiots, but sometimes, the things they do provide you with entertainment and may be more rewarding than you think.

But I still hate parties.

5) I'm here because I made a promise and I'm going to keep it.

I hate breaking promises, and if I leave, I will be doing just that. So I have to stay to finish what I started. It's a disappointment to myself that I cannot even fulfill my promise despite the period of time I am graced with. It's been so long since I first made that promise and although I never told anyone that except Hyourinmaru, keeping that promise is still a big deal to me. And I only have myself to blame for being such a failure at keeping promises. It's not Hyourinmaru's fault, he is the most powerful ice-based Zanpakutou. I just didn't utilize his power to his maximum potential, I'm just not adept enough and I'm not strong enough. It's not Hinamori's fault for always being in trouble or for trusting the wrong people. It's mine. It's my fault because I'm the only one who can and should keep that promise but I didn't.

...And yes, I made a promise to protect Hinamori. So far, I've been doing a bad job. Hyourinmaru lent me his power and I still failed to protect her. I let her get hurt time and time again and I...even hurt her myself. This is exactly why I'm staying here. I'm staying to continue keeping that promise and now that I've hurt her, I'm staying even longer to fix my mistakes. People tell me it's not my fault, that I can't be blamed because Hinamori got hurt. But they don't understand. They don't understand how it feels to see an important person get hurt in front of their eyes when that's exactly what they wanted to prevent from happening.

And I've seen it so many times. I've seen her broken and weak, yet somehow, she still manages to pick herself up. She came to the World of the Living to face her fears and fought hard, she dealt a great blow but she's recovering quickly. And if she always finds a solution to get back up, I don't have the right to stop keeping my promise despite my failures.

So I'm staying.

6) I'm here because I have to keep an eye on the 12th Division.

They're currently the ones overseeing Hinamori's recovery. Judging by their reputation, I'm skeptical towards the kind of treatment they're giving Hinamori. That's why I've been visiting her regularly to check...everyday actually. After all, I was the one who landed her there...which is probably why they allowed me to visit her. I know they feel sorry for me, for Hinamori, for us. They got it wrong, but I'm still not giving up the chance to be able to visit her. I'm the only one whom the research team allowed through the ward.

I'd been there every day. And every single day repeated itself. I'd see her lying on that sickly white bed motionless, tubes and needles pierced into her body, never being able to see her brown eyes lively once more. I'd hold her. I never told anyone this but I'd hold her. I held her hand and simply sat there. Just waiting. Sometimes I'd be angry with myself, asking myself why the hell I let her end up there. I'd blame myself and the day would end with me working on my Bankai till I make it snow. Then other times I'd be angry with her, for being so naive, for choosing the path of a Shinigami, for making me worry so damn much. But most of the time I'd just keep quiet. And I realized I was not the only one.

In the opposite ward, I'd see /that/ guy. He was the former captain of the fifth division, now a Vizard, Hirako Shinji I think. I'd see him slouching beside the same bed every time without fail. The patient was that blonde kid, with the same type of tubes and needles injected into her body. He would keep his head down and sometimes call her an 'idiot'. The times when he looked up, I could see the sorrow in them and I don't know if it was my imagination or not, but there were tear tracks on his face. We'd stay in our respective wards and watch over our loved ones, and although we never conversed at all, somehow we knew we were similar. We knew we were there for the same reasons and the person lying in front of us were there for similar reasons too.

And call it a coincidence or fate or whatever, but Hinamori and that kid woke up on the same day, merely hours from each other. We both reached the 12th Division panting and although our reactions were similar, the patients' were not. The blonde kid demanded what the hell was she doing in the 12th Division and wasted no time in ordering people to get her out and hitting the Vizard in the face. She made such a scene but I guess it was common since he didn't do anything but hug her till she got pissed. Hinamori on the other hand, started crying. I don't blame her, after all she's been through, she deserves to let it all out any way she prefers. What amazed me was the way she apologized and looked at me. I knew something was different and only time will tell.

Before leaving the division, we bumped into each other and a curt nod was all it took for us to understand.

Currently, Hinamori has resumed her duties and training, though she still requires treatment and observations. I know what Kurotsuchi did to revive his vice-captain and I'm keeping an eye on him in case he does anything...weird.

7) I'm still here because I'm currently on an important and extremely challenging mission, which involves telling Hinamori what she needs to know.

It's been far too long that I've kept all these /feelings/ in me. I don't even know when all this started, all I know is that I get butterflies in my stomach when she smiles, I feel warm when she looks at me and this is unacceptable since my Zanpakuto is an ice-based one. And I heard how one should not bottle up one's feelings blah blah blah from the World of the Living. Even though I disagree with that, keeping what I feel for my childhood friend in me is becoming very frustrating. It doesn't help that said childhood friend is extremely dense about such things. For a long time I've been trying to make things clear, or at least drop a hint, but all she does is change the topic or give me vague answers. You have no idea how exasperating it is when you finally decide to tell your best friend how you feel only to have them clueless.

Maybe it's just me. I mean, we've been friends for such a long time, telling her might destroy our friendship. But one day I'll tell her. Definitely. I want to be everything I can. I want to be the one to help her heal. I want to be the one whom she will love, not merely as a friend, but as a man. So I'll wait for the right time to tell her but until then, I will stay.

8) I'm still here because I'm waiting for a better future.

Soul Society's still in a mess right now. Many of us are dealing with the aftermath of the Winter War: certain areas are still in shambles, we've lost many, the Gotei 13 is short of 3 captains and countless are in the midst of healing.

I've seen many fight to regain their previous lifestyles. I may not show it, but I know Matsumoto is still struggling to move on. She was depressed, but always found ways to conceal her sorrow and maintain her happy-go-lucky personality. But I know better, that's why I'm more lenient with her now. Hinamori...on the other hand, is having more trouble with that. I know how Aizen's betrayal affected her the most and sometimes it irks me that she still thinks about him. She may have woken up, but she's clinging on to the past. It makes me wonder why she can't see what's in front of her. Her comrades are here. I am here for her. So why doesn't she understand that?

I hate it when I visit her and I'm met with a crying face or her form sitting in a corner. She tries to hide it, but I can see the tear tracks and most of the time, they are there for the same reason. When that happens, I have the urge to simply drive those tears away and hold her, just to make her see.

So I'm staying to make sure that happens. I'm staying to help Soul Society piece itself back together again.

9) I'm still here because I've got nowhere else to go.

If I leave, where can I go? In all honesty, Seireitei is my home. It's where my comrades are, it's where the people most important to me are and it's where I belong, no matter how cheesy that sounds. Seireitei has given me a lot of 'firsts'. It's where I first achieved Bankai, first ate candy, first had an annoying assistant, first went to a co-ed hot spring, first ate the lousiest watermelons ever (Rukongai still has the best), first felt so vengeful and angry that it snowed during autumn and had my first kiss. Needless to say, I treasured them.

The Captain Commander can be a real ass sometimes, but he's the only one who can keep this place up and running; Soi Fon is obsessed with black cats but she can lead the Special Ops better than anyone; Kira's just spineless; Unohana helped more Shinigamis than you thought; Kuchiki's one of the few who's sensible and normal (something we lack here); Komamura's Bankai can be very helpful; Kyouraku may corrupt my vice-captain but his duels are the best to analyze; the 11th Division is...helpful...I guess; Mayuri's one hell of a creep but his inventions and treatments are what's keeping Hinamori alive; and though Ukitake's plain weird, he's a good captain. It's unlike me to actually state the qualities of the Gotei 13, but it's the truth. This is exactly the way they are and what makes me stay (though majority of the time I wonder how Soul Society managed to survive with such people in charge).

I spend all of my time with these people whether I like it or not, so I might as well try to enjoy their company. Besides, they are the ones who celebrate these meaningless festivals with me. They're also the ones who would celebrate my birthday rather boisterously, despite already hinting that I'd like to have some peace and quiet. But I guess I shouldn't complain, they're almost like family...in a sickening way. So I'll stay; I'll stay with them.

10) I'm here because she's here.

She's the reason why I'm still here, stuck with this crappy job with a bunch of misfits for co-workers and risking my life almost every day. Like I said, I made a promise to protect her, and the only way I can still do that is to stay. I admit, I was angry when she decided to enroll herself in the Shinigami Academy. Why did she have to be a Shinigami? Wasn't staying in Rukongai with me enough? I didn't want her to leave, partly because I didn't think she could handle it and partly because I just wanted her to stay with me. So when I found out about my powers, I took that chance to be a Shinigami too. I wanted to be the one to protect her, not the other way around. She's the only one who can annoy me in a non-infuriating way; she's the only one who can put a smile on my usually scowling face. She's the one who makes me want to be stronger.

One day I'll tell her. I'll tell her the reason why I became a Shinigami; I'll tell her how she has the ability to make me smile despite everything. I'll tell her that I love her. And till that day arrives, I'll be here.

"Shirou-chan..."

"That's why I told you not to read it!" the white-haired captain said with embarrassment. "In fact, no one's allowed to read it, only me."

Hinamori remained silent and all of a sudden, she leaned forward and engulfed Hitsugaya in a huge embrace.

"I love you too."

She caught him by surprise, so all he could do was wrap his arms around her and say, "Yeah yeah."

"I'm sorry..." Hinamori started.

A look of confusion crossed Hitsugaya's features. "For what?"

"For everything!" she replied. "For not knowing your feelings, for hurting you again and again, for not realizing my feelings." She cast her gaze onto the futon, guilt rushing through her body in waves.

"I told you, I don't care about that anymore. You're with me now, that's all that matters. Okay?" he said while lifting her chin with his finger.

She looked meekly at him and nodded. "By the way Toushirou, what first kiss?"

Shit. He feigned confusion and answered, "What are you talking about?

"Number 9. You mentioned something about have your first kiss here," she said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"No I didn't," he quickly replied and snatched the list away from her.

Hinamori crossed her arms and stared at him, with a I-know-something's- up-so-you-better-tell-me look written on her face. He sighed dejectedly after a moment and told her, "It was when you were drunk..."

Russet eyes widened to the size of saucers. "You...took advantage of me when I was drunk...?"

"No! You make it sound bad when you say it like that. It's not what you think it is," Hitsugaya said, trying hard to save himself.

"Then what is it? Why would you kiss me when I'm drunk?"

"Well, I couldn't help it."

"What do you mean by that?"

He sighed yet again. She will never get it unless he spelt it out for her. "You are crazily attractive when you're drunk, I couldn't help it so I kissed you. I didn't know you would ever find out. But you just did so...sorry."

A giggle escaped from her lips.

"W-What?" Hitsugaya stammered, his mortification taken to the next level.

"It's just that...I can't believe...you would steal kisses! You don't seem like the type at all," Hinamori managed to say between bouts of laughter.

A blush rose up to his cheeks as he said, "Yeah, well now you know. Will you stop laughing?"

"Okay okay...and on the same note, you don't look like the type who would write such lists."

"I was bored," he started. "And I mentioned how the humans said writing can help you express yourself or whatever. It helped, didn't it? I finally managed to tell you."

Hinamori smiled knowingly and slyly. "Tell me what?"

His teal eyes met hers as he replied, "You know."

"No I don't. Tell me, Toushirou."

It was a game of endurance to determine who would admit it first. With a smile and eyes filled with anticipation, Hinamori won.

"I love you." And with that, Hitsugaya leaned in to capture her lips with his, feeling her smile against them.

"Well then, mission accomplished," she teased as they broke apart for a moment, before letting him kiss her once more.

-Owari-

Hope you enjoyed that! Tell me which one is your favorite! Recent updates on Bleach motivated me to finish writing this chapter. Look out for the next one!