Today, I want to talk about Emily Grace. After I lost Andrew on July 1, 2000 (my husband's birthday coincidentally), I concentrated primarily on my daughter, Kaity Rae, who was only 13 months at the time. I took all the grief and smothered her with it. I realize now that it was very counterproductive to have my happiness depend on a toddler but I wasn't in the best state at that time. Anyway, life went on. Fourth of July, Labor Day, Halloween. Then on November 2, my grandmother died. I was her namesake and the oldest of her grandchildren and the mother of her only great grandchild. She got to meet Kaity once when she was three months old as I lived in MS and she lived in IL, but I came to find out her home was covered in pictures of my daughter. When I got back, I missed my period and took a test. And there it was. I was pregnant. I told my husband and my family and no one was really happy. I don't think I was even happy. Worried, yes. Apprehensive, yes. Happy, not really. I went to the doctor who told me I only had a six percent chance of this baby having HLHS. That helped and so the pregnancy went along and then I had the appointment in Tupelo, MS where they had a doctor from Jackson come down once a month. They did the ultrasound and then I heard it. "I am so sorry." She had it. Six freaking percent and she had it. I remember replying "Are you fucking kidding me?" I remember my daddy calming me down and agreeing to an amniocentesis. When I got home, I received a call that Andrew's headstone had been installed at the cemetery. It was February 22, 2001. I went into labor on March 26 and after 22 hours of labor, I gave birth to a stillborn daughter that weighed only 13 ounces. I was relieved she wasn't alive and sometimes I feel that makes me a bad person but I didn't want that life for her. But this story, my story, has a happy ending. Two years went by before I conceived again, before I wanted to even try. The pregnancy was perfect, the ultrasound was perfect, the heart was perfect. Kamryn Elaine was born December 10, 2003 at 38 weeks with no deficits. She joined her older sister, Kaitlynn Rae who was 4 at the time. They are now 18 and 13, respectively. So, you see life really does go on. That year starting on April 6, 2000 and ending on March 27, 2001, losing three very important people in my life, it changed me in a way I don't ever think I'll get over but I look over at my two girls and I know this is how it was meant to be.

I tell you this because I want to get all the negativity out of this story. It's on to happier times... kind of. Enjoy!

BPOV

"Bella?"

I awoke to the feeling of being shaken.

I was suddenly alert.

"What? Charlotte!" I looked at him with focused eyes. "Why did you let me fall asleep?" I grumbled.

"Because you needed it. Surgery is done. She is being wheeled to recovery in five minutes. You can see her in half an hour."

"Is she…"

"She is perfect."

"Oh. Oh, God." I started crying in earnest; from relief, from being scared, from… everything.

"Shhh. Come on, Bella. You need to get it together. She is going to need you to be strong."

I glared at him.

"I am strong." I said, scowling. "If the sight of my tears unnerves you, please feel free to leave. I know my way back." I knew his attitude was too good to be true.

He huffed in frustrated.

"Oh hell. I didn't mean it like that." He shoved his hand through his hair. "It's been a long few days, okay?"

"Yeah well, it's been a long three years for me!"

He looked at the view.

"I know." He whispered.

I suddenly feel bad.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to snap. I'm just… it's been so…"

"It's been a long road. And the journey isn't over yet." He said.

"I know, but I am grateful just to have a journey to continue on with her." I sniffled.

"She is going to be amazing, Bells." He said, a crooked smile on his mouth.

"You called me Bells." I told him.

He shot me a confused look.

"Is that not okay?"

"No, it's fine. It was just so informal of you. I must be a bad influence on you." I teased.

"I wouldn't say that."

"I would." I said quietly but I knew he heard me.

He sighed and offered me his hand to help me up. I took it and brushed the back of my scrubs off. Scrubs?

"Why am I wearing scrubs?" I asked, confused.

"Oh yeah. I put them on you yesterday."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you were in practically nothing." He said.

"No, that's not what I meant. Why did you do all of this for us? I mean, was it just because of the guilt you felt about your sister's death or making me lose my first job or is it something else?"

He looked nervous for a moment but he schooled his features quickly.

"A little of all three."

"Tell me." I said.

"We have to get to Charlotte." He said, helping me up. He was avoiding my gaze.

"Don't do that." I told him.

"Do what?" He asked, focusing on a spot somewhere above my head.

"Push me away. I don't know what I'm doing and I am going to need help. You can start by," I made him look at me, "looking at me." I said pointedly.

"I don't know what I'm doing either." He admitted.

"Aren't you the doctor here in this situation?" I teased.

"That's not what I… never mind. Charlotte is probably in recovery. She will wake up in pain and will wonder where her mother is. We should go." He said, switching to his calm and cold persona.

I sighed but gave up. I had too many things to worry about without adding him to the equation. He was a grown man and I had a recovering child to take care of.

"We should." I agreed before turning around and walking myself to the stairs. He didn't say anything but he was behind me. I could feel him. His energy. His frustration. His sadness.

Not your problem, Bella. Focus on Charlotte.

We waited for the elevator to lead us back down to the recovery wing of the hospital. No words were spoken. Just quiet breathing and stolen looks. From me that is. He was all tense jaw and stiff body.

One step forward, a million steps back. And all I did was go to sleep with my hero and wake up to the villain. Okay, so he's not a villain but still…

I bolted forward when we got to the correct floor, leaving him behind. Suddenly, I was consumed with Charlotte, and only Charlotte. That was my only purpose in life.

"Charlotte Swan." I said breathlessly to the Post Op nurse.

She smiled at me.

"Just give us a few minutes and you can go be with her. She is a cutie and so strong. Dr. O'Connell will be in soon to speak with you."

"Thank you." I said gratefully.

I leaned back against the wall and waited. Edward flowed through the door to my left and grabbed a chart. I presumed it was Charlotte's. He read over it thoroughly, making a few notes. I noticed he had stopped to put on his lab coat. He looked professional, confident and male. Oh, so male.

Please to not be crushing on Dr. Jekyll, Bella. That will get you nowhere fast. Also, your daughter is lying ten feet away after a heart transplant. Not the time for your vagina to realize it has other purposes.

"Bella?" I snapped my head up and was face to face with Dr. O'Connell.

"How is she?" I asked urgently.

She smiled.

The hardcore heart surgeon actually fucking smiled at me.

"It was amazing. She was amazing. Her stats went a little low halfway through and we were afraid she would code on us but then her bad heart started pumping so hard for her. She went through bypass flawlessly and when we put her new heart in, it started beating immediately. No coaxing needed. Her color is so much better already, her oxygen and heart rate completely normal. I am a big believer in science but this was a fucking miracle. Someone up there, wherever there is, has big plans for her to have let her live this long with the heart she had."

"Thank you, Dr. O'Connell. You can go finish out your surgery high elsewhere." Edward said dryly.

She rolled her eyes where I could only see and I stifled a smile. She walked off after telling me she would be back later to speak to me more.

"She rolled her eyes at me, didn't she?" He asked me.

"Oh, you're talking to me now?" I asked.

He pursed his lips and I rolled my eyes.

"Do I have to get a presidential appointment, or can I go see my child now?" I asked.

"Right this way." He said tersely.

He walked over to a curtained area and pulled it back.

I gasped at the image before me.

Charlotte still had a tube down her throat. She still looked impossibly tiny in that big bed.

But her color was all peaches and cream. No stuttering breaths. No gasping. No blue. No gray. No pale.

Peach.

Such a beautiful color. Such an underrated color.

Tears flowed freely down my eyes. A nurse bustled in and moved her gown aside. She had a long white bandage down her chest, which was quickly removed to show an angry red six-inch scar where the bandage once was. There were staples amongst the red and it was puckered. I cringed at the sight of it marring my baby's flawless skin.

"That is a battle scar she should wear proudly." He whispered in my ear.

I nodded. He was right. She had other scars. One on left chest and one in the center, but those were two inches not this long monstrosity.

"She will be loved because she is Charlotte. People won't notice because they will be blinded by her beauty, inside and out."

The nurse left.

"Your mood swings are giving me whiplash." I said shakily.

"I'm sorry. I'm just…" He trailed off.

"It's fine. I just… can I be alone with her, please?" I asked.

"Of course." He said and then he was gone.

I sat down on the chair next to her bed.

"You are going to be just fine, Baby Girl, and then we will continue on like we always have, just you and me." I told my still sleeping Charlotte.

Just the two of us.

Because I didn't have room in my life for whiplash.

***WTHI***

"A watched pot…"

"Never boils. I know." I spared a glance and a weak smile to my sister, who pulled up a chair and sat next to me.

"It's been a wild few days." She said.

"Yeah." I sighed.

We watched Charlotte sleep for a few minutes in silence.

"Look at her." Alice breathed.

"I know. She was beautiful before but now… just wow. Look at that color." I said, laughing slightly.

"I missed that sound." Alice said.

"What sound?" I said, sparing a look at her.

"Your laugh. You had me so worried, Bella."

"I kind of checked out, huh?" I asked, not really remembering anything during my incoherent stage.

"Yeah, you could say that. But Edward was wonderful. I didn't think so at first, because most of it was behind the scenes." She said.

"How so?"

"He was there constantly. Checking on Charlotte, checking on you, checking on me albeit from a distance. Always yelling at O'Connell for results, yelling at UNOS for taking so long, yelling at interns for being interns. He gave me a month off to help with Charlotte's recovery. Paid. Which is unheard of in this business. He had billing write her treatment off."

"What? I have insurance."

"You know as well as I do that it only covers so much. Let him do this." She said.

"No, he has done enough. I can take care of Charlotte. I don't need him." I said, frustrated.

Alice pursed her lips and stared at Charlotte.

"Say it."

"Say what?"

"What you are dying to say. Spit it out." I demanded.

"You don't know what he was like before you, before Charlotte. He was cold, he was empty. Unfeeling. He only had a smile, patience, for children. I was so scared to ask for a particular shift to help with Charlotte but when I explained it was for my three-year old niece, he didn't ask any more questions, he just gave it to me. I don't know what happened to him but it had to have been substantial for him to be like he is, like he was." She mused.

"It was." I said without thinking.

Alice whirled her head around to gape at me.

"You know!" She accused.

"No." I said weakly.

"Bella Swan, you can't lie for shit. He shared a horrible piece of his past with you and you kick him out of the room? Not to mention what rules he had to have broken to get that heart."

It was my turn to gape at her.

"Yes, I know. I'm not stupid, Bella. The guy was so desperate to help. I knew what he was thinking wasn't legal or moral but I can't find it in myself to care. Do you honestly think I would leave the room no matter who was trying to get rid of me unless I wanted to?"

"Can you keep your voice down?" I growled, looking around for prying eyes, or ears.

"So what is it? Something juicy?" She asked.

"None of your business."

"Bella…" She whined.

"His private life is just that. Private. It is not to be used for gossip fodder. I can't believe you would think I would betray his confidence and I don't know what you are talking about. Charlotte got that heart fair and square." I sat back and crossed my arms.

Alice smirked and looked satisfied.

"What?"

"You like him." She said.

"He's my boss. Some form of like is needed to perform my job." I said.

"No, you like him, like him."

"What are we, five? I do not like him, like him." I scoffed.

"Someone has a cru…ush." She sang.

"Shut up." I hissed, looking around wildly.

She giggled.

"So, have you kissed?" She asked.

"Yes, Alice, we had loud passionate sex on the roof while my daughter laid helplessly on an operating table fighting for her life. That is what every mother does, I am sure." I snarked.

"It would have taken your mind off things." She said.

"Alice! You are incorrigible."

She shrugged.

"One of us was bound to get that gene."

I rolled my eyes, then they widened as I saw Charlotte's hand move. I was up and kneeling beside her bed in an instant.

"Charlotte? Baby Girl?" I whimpered.

She moaned, her face twisting as she felt the pain. The parent in me wanted to take the pain from her. And I would, in a second.

I pushed the nurse call and Maggie and a nurse rushed in. Maggie checked her vitals and must have been satisfied because she instructed Charlotte to cough then took out the tube and raised the head of her bed just enough so it was slightly elevated.

"Mama." Charlotte gasped.

"I'm here. I am not going anywhere. I love you so much." I said, smoothing her hair back.

"Huts." She croaked.

"I know."

"What hurts, Charlotte?" Maggie asked, reaching for her stethoscope. I just looked at her, as if to say, 'Are you stupid?'.

"Twoat. Ches." She said, tears welling in her brown eyes. My breath caught.

"Can you give her some pain medication?" I asked.

Maggie nodded and then held up a finger as she listened to Charlotte's heart. Her healthy heart.

"Yes, we can. We just need her lucid enough to answer questions to make sure all is as it should be. We will get her some morphine now."

"Is that strong enough?" I asked.

"It's a C-2 narcotic, the highest level we can give a child her age. We will install a pump where you can control what she gets." Edward said, easing in the room.

"What if I overdose her?"

"You won't. The machine will be set so she won't get too much. But we don't want her to be in pain." He explained.

He leaned down to Charlotte.

"Hi there, Short Stuff. How's my brave girl?" He asked.

"I hut, EdBer." She stuck her now pink bottom lip out in a pout.

"I know, we are going to make that go away. But it will make you sleepy, okay?"

"I ike seepin'." She said.

"You would be the only child I have ever heard say that." Edward laughed. "You know what?"

She shook her head 'no' once.

"You have a brand new heart. Soon you will be up and running, literally. You will drive your mother crazy. Does that sound good?" He winked at her.

She nodded tiredly.

The nurse came back in with a syringe.

"Okay, Short Stuff, you are going to sleep now and when you wake up, you will feel much better."

The nurse injected the drug into Charlotte's IV and in moments, Charlotte drifted off.

"How long will she sleep?' I asked, glad her pain was gone but sad I didn't get to spend more time with her.

"A few hours. It is only for a day or two, until the pain and tightness eases up. You will have the rest of her life to spend time with her." He said, reading my mind.

I nodded and smiled in what I hoped was a grateful manner.

I was still so confused about him.

"You should go home for a few hours, get some rest, shower."

"Are you saying I stink?" I asked.

"Well, now that you mention it, yes."

I gasped in outrage.

"Seriously, go home. Do not come back until morning." He said gruffly.

"No." I said defiantly.

"Yes. Alice take her home." He demanded. She just stood there, wide eyed.

"You can't make me."

"If you don't go home, I will ban you from this room until she is well enough to move to the second floor."

"You wouldn't!"

"Try me." He growled.

"I hate you!" I screamed.

He frowned but then he just shrugged.

"I can live with that." He said. "I will see you at six tomorrow morning."

"Asshole!" I yelled.

He just raised his hand in acknowledgement, never turning back to face me.

"He can't do that." I told Alice.

"He just did. Come on."

"No. I want to stay with Charlotte. Why would he do that to me, to her?" I asked.

"It is only for eight hours, Bella. You need a shower, you need sleep. Just go home, eat, shower, sleep and we will head here at 5:45am. She will sleep until then. She won't know you are gone. I promise. You are no good to her exhausted."

I swiped away my tears of frustration and bent down to kiss Charlotte's soft, warm cheek. She was sleeping deeply.

"Fine. Let's go." I said.

I slept soundly that night, to my extreme surprise and as promised, we were dressed and out the door at 5:45am. I was alert and rested and I did feel better.

He was still an asshole.

I basically ran to the third floor but I froze in the doorway of my daughter's room.

Because the sight that greeted me, was not the sight I had left.

Charlotte was still in the bed, she was still asleep, but her hand was engulfed by a much larger one.

The hand belonged to a certain asshole doctor but right now, in this instance, he didn't look like an asshole.

He looked like a man who adored my daughter so much, he would sleep in her room, holding her hand, all night long so that she wouldn't wake up alone.

He looked like a man who worried about my mental and physical wellbeing that he would give up a night of rest so that he could tell me that he was there if she woke up.

Maybe we needed him in our life, after all.

To what extent… well… that I couldn't tell you.

But I owed it to Charlotte, and to myself, to find out.