Sunday March 3rd, 2013
I don't know what's going on with me. I like Sam but I want Kurt back more than anything else. This crush on Sam is just so ridiculous. I know I don't have a chance with him, but then suddenly my mind is creating some sort of tension between us. He's one of my best friends and I just wish this crush would disappear because it's making things weird between us even though Sam has no idea how I feel. He's helped me so much since the break up and I would hate to lose his friendship over such a silly thing. I don't know what to do about it except hope it does away and try not to stare too dreamily at him when he gets all excitedly adorable. Sigh... it's not my fault that his lips are so entrancing.
-Blaine
Monday March 4th, 2013
I caught Sam stealing pasta from the cafeteria today and immediately thought it was to support his family, so I gave him some money only to have him bring me down the hall to one of the art rooms. Apparently, he has been using it to create macaroni masterpieces. Which sounds absurd but they were actually really amazing. He did one of Kurt, which was stunning and somehow really managed to capture him, especially his hair. Because he shared his guilty pleasure with me however, he wanted me to share one of mine with him. It was tempting to tell him that my guilty pleasure was him but I didn't because I have a brain and I don't want to scare him when I expect nothing to come of this crush. I said Wham! instead. I do really love them, so I wasn't lying exactly, but it definitely wasn't the whole truth.
Tina stopped by after that and told us that glee was cancelled for the week because Mr. Schue is sick. After she left, Sam and I decided that we should do something. Feud week was such a success and it was really great to share secrets with each other, so we thought we could pull off another themed week. Guilty Pleasures. The goal is for everyone to perform a song by an artist that they secretly love. After we performed Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, everyone seemed excited about the idea. Besides movie week, I don't think I've seen anyone this excited for a glee assignment in months.
-Blaine
Wednesday March 4th, 2013
For one terrifying but glorious moment yesterday I thought Sam was going to tell me that he had a crush on me. Instead he confessed his love of Barry Manilow. Which is apparently worse. I think that's a good sign that he wouldn't feel weird if I confessed my crush? I don't know. Anyways, today he told me that haven't been honest during guilty pleasures week so… apparently I need to set an example for everyone else. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Sam seemed to be hinting at me hiding something, but it can't be that so I'm at a loss. Maybe I'll do some Phil Collins? I really love him.
-Blaine
Thursday March 5th, 2013
The choir room has been feeling different since people worked out their major issues with each other last week. There's a family feeling that has been lacking since last year. At first it confused me that we were getting better as a group without Mr. Schue and Finn guiding us, but I think they were actually hindering us in a way. I mean, Mr. Schue has barely been present since Grease because he's been away, and then he was focused on his wedding and fighting with Finn, but I think a major part of our trouble was coming Finn. Not that he's a bad leader or anything, but after the past two weeks, I get the feeling that he was unintentionally holding us back. The choir room just feels entirely different without last year's seniors here. It used to be bad feeling. After Kurt left, it felt emptier, but as time has worn on, graduates returning (or running the group) has just felt… weird. It's as though when they're here, all of this year's seniors sink back into that place where last year's group is in charge and has the floor.
When Santana came back and performed with us during Grease it was definitely obvious that things were weird, because she was taking someone else's spot in a high school show. Mercedes and Mike being there was a bit weird, but not in the same way. And as Grease was also our first real performance since they all graduated (we're pretending that our Brittany Spears performance never happened), it was mostly just weird that they were working with us behind the scenes, coaching us, instead of performing. After that though, I don't think them coming here has been all that helpful. Including Finn. Objectively their advice and coaching has actually been a good thing, but I think part of the reason why we have had such trouble becoming one family this year is because when they are here, they lead while everyone else sits and pays attention. Meaning that all of us seniors haven't had much of a voice this year. Us not having a voice seems to suspend discussion amongst the group and it turns into just another class where no one really interacts.
Being left to our own devises though? We seem to thrive then. We're really good at coming together as a team, in a way that last year's seniors rarely did. Being able to lead the group sometimes is also just really rewarding because I love seeing what they all come up with when a random but broad assignment is put in front of them. Plus when you're running it, you can't possibly have your song choice shot down, right?
-Blaine
Friday March 6th, 2013
Yesterday I sang Against All Odds and it was surprisingly cathartic. I sang it because it is both a Phil Collins song and a really excellent love song that I could sing because of Sam, but singing it actually made me realize something. I think the wound from everything that has happened between Kurt and I this year has healed. I mean, I'm not… I've changed. I'm a different person than I was before and I think it's a good thing. I can stand on my own two feet these days. I don't need the Warblers or Kurt or anyone else to make me feel rooted and safe. I have a wider range of people to rely on. I'm a leader now. I know I was the lead soloist for the Warblers and that made me a defacto leader, but it wasn't the same as this. Now I'm making decisions and working for the group rather than making sure whatever songs we sang were the best they could be. It's an interesting feeling.
In contrast to yesterday's revelation, today was quite scary. Sam found me after school playing the piano in the auditorium and he sort of… confronted me about my crush. Confronted is a strong word. Sam talked to me about my crush. Apparently he would be offended if I wasn't attracted to him. He also said it didn't change anything which is… amazing. And I'm not making up the tension I guess because Sam said it was flattering. I honestly don't know what to make of our conversation except that Sam is an amazing person and friend. I'm so glad that he is totally cool with it because I don't know how I would have made it through the rest of the school year if I ended up feeling embarrassed every time I saw him.
Sam is just one of those people who – Kurt's calling me! I have to go.
-Blaine