14

She wasn't sure how long the silence lasted, but with his hand firmly grasping hers as they walked along, it didn't feel like a bad thing. It was kind of nice to have the time to get used to it all. It was surreal that they were on the way back to the cabin to probably take their relationship somewhere she had never seriously expected it would ever go. Of course the usual doubts bombarded her as they walked, but she remembered the conversation in the car park outside the public restroom. He had explicitly said he was not hung up over the ending of his marriage and that he was ready to move on. At the time she hadn't quite dared to believe he could have meant with her, but things looked very different with his hand tightly clasping hers.

She guessed she knew deep down that this moment had perhaps been inevitable when he had first invited her away. A four day weekend, alone together, in the mountains? What else could it possibly have meant? She smiled to herself as she thought of how she had tried to kid herself that he had just invited her out of friendship and wondered why she was so reluctant to just trust that this was real, that he actually wanted to be with her. She knew him well enough to know that he wasn't the type of man to enter into a relationship lightly. If they took things further, she believed it would mean he truly wanted them to be together.

She could feel dampness building between their palms and it made her feel self-conscious, yet letting him go now seemed as impossible as returning to the beginning of a roller coaster ride once it had set off and started climbing that first steep incline. The train had left and she was firmly buckled in. There was no way but forward.

"I can barely remember walking this far!" he said and she smiled. She liked the fact he was impatient to return to the cabin. The anticipation of what was ahead was like nothing she had ever known.

"It can't be that much further," she said, hoping it really wasn't, although part of her was enjoying this moment. There was something nice about the certainty that things were going to happen.

"I remember that tree! It's not far now!"

"You do?" she asked with a bemused smile. It just looked like any other tree to her.

"You know we probably ought to swing by the store when we get back."

"Yeah I guess," she said reluctantly, remembering the lady who had shown them to their cabin had told them it would close around four that afternoon.

…

Their shopping completed they finally pushed open the door to the cabin and stepped inside, heading straight to the kitchen to put the groceries away. They had decided to make a simple salad with ham, cheese and boiled potatoes for dinner, thinking it would be quick and easy. Neither of them wanted to spend the evening slaving away in the kitchen. There hadn't been much choice, but they had managed to find a bottle of wine that looked alright. Once she had finished arranging the other groceries, Olivia placed it carefully in the fridge and closed the door.

"Have you finally finished?" he asked in a slightly exaggerated impatient tone.

"Yes," she replied with a smile.

"Good, then come here!"

She stared at him surprised. Despite the inevitability of the new direction their relationship was taking, she still felt like they were both walking on eggshells, unsure about the exact next step. The nerves once again rippled through her stomach as she stepped towards his open arms. As soon as she was close enough, he immediately wrapped them around her, pulling her tight against him. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest and wondered if he could sense it. As she rested her head against him, she realized that his heart was going pretty fast too and it was somewhat of a relief to know she wasn't the only one being affected so thoroughly.

"Let's sit down," she suggested and he released her enough so that they could make their way over to the sofa without stumbling. They sat down and he began staring at her intently, so much so that she started to feel extremely self-conscious.

"What?" she asked shyly.

"I was just thinking how I've never told you before just how beautiful you are."

"El…" she said awkwardly, her cheeks flushing slightly with embarrassment at the sheer intensity behind his statement.

"I'm not just saying it, Liv," he said fervently. "I've always thought it, but have just never been in a position to really tell you until now."

She kept her gaze downwards. She was pleased at the compliment, yet had no idea how to respond to it.

"Liv," he urged her. She raised her head and met his eyes. "You don't regret coming away with me like this, do you?"

She shook her head firmly, confused as to how he could possibly think that. It was the last thing in the world she would ever regret. For some reason tears began to form in her eyes. She wasn't sure why she was suddenly feeling so emotional.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, his concern immediately apparent on his face.

"I… it's nothing…I'm sorry."

"Tell me Liv."

"I don't know. I just… never imagined this, that's all."

He raised his hand to her face, using his thumb to wipe the moisture away gently from her eyes. She squeezed them shut tightly trying to blink the remaining tears away. When she opened them she realized he was literally inches from her face, staring straight at her. Then he was slowly leaning in and finally his lips were pressed against hers. She almost gasped out loud as longing washed over her body. That first touch confirmed it for her. He was kissing her and it felt amazing.

He was gentle; insistent but not obnoxiously so. His hand moved to the back of her head and she wrapped her own arms around him pulling him hard against her. She tried to empty her mind of everything but the kiss and the way it was turning her on more than anything ever had in her life. The intensity took her aback. It was primal. She had believed a kiss might have temporarily satisfied some of her desire, but instead she desperately wanted more and she found her hands reaching for his shirt. She slipped them underneath, feeling his bare skin against her palms, simultaneously opening her mouth as she felt him pushing his tongue inside. She started to pull upwards on his shirt gently, wanting to remove it completely but he didn't take the hint.

Instead he pulled away completely, his lips abandoning hers, and he gently started running his fingers down the side of her face. Confused, she leaned back in towards him, wanting his lips on hers again, but he didn't make any effort to meet her. Bewildered and embarrassed, she couldn't help wondering if he had changed his mind. Perhaps he hadn't been enjoying the kiss as much as she had been? The thought horrified her, but why else would he pull away?

"Liv," he said. "If we carry on like this, I won't be able to stop," he said.

"What's wrong with that?" she asked, heartened to realize that her fear of him not being as attracted to her as she had hoped had once again been unfounded.

"I just want to make sure you are really ready for this."

"Are you trying to kill me?" she said jocularly.

"I'm serious, Liv. This is going to change everything."

"I know."

"I don't want you to have any regrets."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not a teenager you know. I have done this before."

She knew it was the wrong thing to say almost as soon as the words left her lips. He visibly tensed and drew back slightly.

"I hope this isn't just another notch on your bedpost," he said bitterly, "because I thought this meant something."

"It does!" she insisted firmly, her eyes now wide with dismay. It had occurred to her before that the fact she had obviously had several previous sexual partners was probably something he would find difficult. She knew he had a tendency towards jealousy.

She watched him nervously. He looked downcast. She was terrified the mood had been ruined and she desperately hoped they could recapture the moment.

"El?" she said nervously. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"No!" he said sadly. "Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But…"

"I'm sorry."

He reached for her hands and took them in his.

"I just wanted to reassure you that I know what I'm doing and I want this," she said quietly. Once again she felt near tears. It was disappointing and frustrating. They had been so close. Why did she have to open her mouth?

"I know. I think I'm just… you know… nervous."

"Nervous?" she asked. She had thought she was the apprehensive one.

"It's you, Liv. I mean, you're beautiful and…" His eyes were downcast, refusing to meet hers.

"El!" she stammered, truly astonished that he might actually be nervous about his performance. It defied belief. In a way it was strangely comforting to see him so vulnerable, so human. She realized then that both of them had been building this moment up in their heads and the pressure was simply far too intense.

He raised his eyes back up to her face and she stared back intently as she spoke.

"I think we should probably take this slowly," she whispered. It was a huge change for both of them after all. She didn't want to rush things and risk things going wrong.

He nodded in agreement.

She leaned in and he wrapped his arms around her. She leaned her head against him, a position she found herself assuming very easily. His arms felt strong and safe and it was something that she had to admit she desperately craved. Memories of the awful encounter with Lewis in her apartment still bombarded her not infrequently. She realized that even being able to have his arms wrapped around her longer than the minute or so that had been the unwritten rule when they were partners was new and would take time to get used to. Taking things further was an even more intimidating step.

She wondered if he knew how recent events still played on her mind. She hadn't mentioned it much lately, their late night conversations veering to other subjects easily. She had wanted to in some ways, but it was too ingrained in her nature to hide her fragility, to tell herself that she should be 'over it' by now, for after all, aside from the gun to her head and the threat of violence, nothing had actually happened. Besides, as much as the thought of what could have happened affected her, it didn't make her feel any less attracted to him and she wasn't afraid of taking things further for that reason. However, she knew she was a little nervous to mention it in case he mistakenly took it as a sign that she wasn't yet ready.

It occurred to her that this weekend could easily pass and they could end it effectively no further forward. Why was it so complicated? How had passionately kissing on the sofa turned into cuddling? She wanted more. He wanted more. Why was it proving so difficult for them to make the leap?

She felt his fingers circling her shoulder, occasionally running up and down her arm, sending tingles throughout her body. She loved the intimacy of the snuggling. Was he really worried she would be comparing him to past lovers or was it something else? Could he be deliberately treading carefully with her recent traumatic experience in mind? After all they had worked the same job for long enough to know the types of reactions people could have after being attacked, regardless of whether it actually resulted in rape or not. Was he seeing her as a victim? Had the fact she had stopped talking about it sent warning bells off in his head, telling him to take it slow and not push her. She had to admit if it had been the other way around, she would likely have been cautious too. If that were the case, then she knew she had to talk to him, to convince him that yes events still played on her mind and yes she probably needed to talk to him more, but that it bore no relation to the way she felt about him and her readiness to pursue their relationship.

"El," she said, determined to do whatever it took to move them past this frustrating barrier that obstinately remained between them.

"Mmm," he murmured, moving his hand to her forehead and running his fingers through a strand of hair, tracing a path down the side of her face and behind her ear.

She paused. How were you supposed to bring up a subject like this? She wasn't even one hundred percent certain that this was even the issue. What if her mentioning Lewis had the opposite effect and instead of freeing them to give in to their feelings, it created even more hesitance and distance. It was a risk she had to take though. As much as she was enjoying sitting here snuggling, she knew without a doubt that she wanted so much more.

"I think we should talk about it," she said finally.

"About what?" he murmured.

"About me… about us… About what happened to me last month"

He nodded slowly, his arm around her tightening ever so slightly. It was enough to tell her that she had made the right decision. They definitely needed to have this conversation.

"I'm not over it," she admitted forlornly.

"I know," he replied and he leaned in and kissed her gently on the forehead. "It's OK, Liv. I know."