A/N: Title of this chapter, "And So It Goes," is by Billy Joel. This chapter is completely from Rachel's perspective.
The overcast skies matched Rachel's mood as she walked down Jackson Street. On a Saturday morning, two weeks after arriving in Seattle, Rachel was on a simple morning mission to procure some bagels. She woke up earlier that morning, glared with disgust at her yogurt and blueberries, and decided to give into an often-ignored weakness: cream cheese. Lucky for her, there was a divine bakery just down the street from her apartment building that served incredible-looking bagels (she'd lusted after them through the window on her way past before.) So as soon as Rachel returned to her apartment, she was going to slather a strawberry bagel with whipped cinnamon sugar cream cheese and enjoy it for the horribly unhealthy but addicting weakness that it was. And after that? The rest of her day was a blank canvas, as were all her days so far. She realized, as she pushed open the door to the bakery and walked inside, that the lack of "things" of which to occupy her time was starting to weigh down on her. Yes, she knew she'd only been in Seattle a couple of weeks and she shouldn't expect to have a job or to feel "at home" yet. And even with all her planning, the one thing she hadn't really thought about, or developed a contingency plan for, was the flagrant loneliness that surrounded her.
She missed her old apartment. She missed only being a few hours drive from her father.
She missed him.
Rachel smiled at the woman behind the counter, paid for her bagels and cream cheese, and stepped back outside into the cloudy morning. No, nothing could have prepared Rachel for the level of isolation she felt. She was 2200 miles from home and had no one. She spoke to her father regularly and communicated with Tina every other day. But other than brief conversations with her nosy next-door neighbor, Mrs. Bernbaum, she had barely spoken to another human being in days. She had a few auditions arranged for next week and she hoped she'd land a part in a production soon. She wasn't sure she could keep going as she was. It was taking a huge financial toll but an even larger emotional one. She had far too much time to question her decisions. Should she have given up her whole life to come to Seattle? Was running from Noah really the answer? And what was she going to do with the rest of her life?
Rachel pushed her way back inside her building, juggling her bag of bagels and her purse to dig out her keys. She was nearly to her door when the apartment door next to hers opened. Rolling her eyes, she turned toward her neighbor and smiled.
"Good morning, Mrs. Bernbaum."
The elderly woman smiled at Rachel. "Morning, dear. Are you settling in well?"
Rachel noticed that Mrs. Bernbaum's wig was slightly askew this morning, jutting sharply to the left side of her head. Stifling a giggle, Rachel answered her. "I am. And thank you for asking."
"I know it's a lot different here than it was back in Oklahoma," her elderly neighbor offered helpfully. "But you'll get used to it in time."
"Ohio, actually," Rachel corrected her automatically, just as she had done during every previous conversation they'd had. "It is very different but I am adequately adjusting to the climate."
Mrs. Bernbaum nodded. "Well let me know if you need anything, dear. I'm always home."
Rachel gave her concerned neighbor a genuine smile as she unlocked her door.
"Thanks. And have a good day!"
Disappearing inside, she tossed her keys and purse down on the coffee table and made her way into her tiny kitchen to get out a plate. Popping open a cabinet, she pulled down a saucer and yanked a paper towel from the roll.
Just then, there was a loud thud above her head. Rachel's eyes shot toward the ceiling with disgust. Damn neighbors. Her upstairs neighbors had been driving her insane since exactly five minutes after she moved into the building. They stomped around the apartment like they were wearing shoes made of concrete, had no respect for nighttime quiet hours, and were generally annoying. She would gladly give them a piece of her mind if she ran into them at the mailbox bays except she hadn't actually seen them yet so she couldn't tell who it was that deserved a stern lecture about having the proper amount of respect for neighbors. But as soon as she could identify who the guilty culprits were, they would be on the receiving end of a complaint. She had no choice but to try to make the best of it, though, so she tried to ignore the apparent square-dancing practice going on upstairs and went into the living room with her bagel and mound of cream cheese.
Plopping down on the couch, she turned on her small television. She immediately flipped over to Lifetime because she was sure that they would be airing a movie about a terrible, evil man and the heartbreaking things he did to a wonderful, loving woman who only wanted and deserved happiness. Yep, definitely my kind of movie. Lifetime is such a reliable network when I feel like man-hating. Settling in, she took exactly one bite of her bagel before her phone rang.
Looking at the number that flashed across the screen, she smiled and answered happily.
"Hey Dad. Good morning!"
"Morning, pumpkin," Fred began, sitting at the dining room table back in Lima.
"How are you?"
"I'm good today, honey. Anything going on there?"
"The usual. Cloudy with a chance of rain, Mrs. Bernbaum talking to me about my old life in Oklahoma again, and the upstairs neighbors annoying the hell out of me. In other words, it's a normal day in Seattle."
Fred laughed at his daughter's words, even as he identified the sadness in her voice that she tried so hard to mask with a jovial attitude.
Rachel took a bite of her bagel and chewed, closing her eyes with glee as the cream cheese melted around her tongue. Heaven.
"Anything going on back home, Dad?"
Fred cleared his throat. "Rachel…ahh…"
"What, Dad? Is something wrong?"
Fred grasped for the words. "No, honey, nothing's wrong. It's just that I got a call and I was asked to deliver a message to you but I don't know…I just…"
From his hesitancy to speak, she knew.
Noah.
"Did…Dad…did Noah call you?" Rachel's heart thumped and she was almost sure it missed a beat because she was suddenly breathless, the thick dough of the bagel nearly lodged in her throat.
"Yes, honey, he did." Fred waited, trying to gauge his daughter's reaction and wishing, more than anything, that he could see her as they spoke. The ever-present cloud of heartbreak that seemed to have enveloped his only daughter usually rendered his own heart broken.
"What…what did he want?" Rachel swallowed, closing her eyes against the pain that occurred with every thought and word that was even spoke about him.
"He's trying to find you, honey."
Rachel wrenched her eyes tighter as the nearly ever-present burning that resided behind her eyes increased and rushed toward release. "You didn't tell him where I was, did you? I don't want to talk to him." Rachel griped, becoming immediately defensive. He wasn't supposed to realize I was gone so soon. It's only been two weeks.
"No, no, honey. Your secret is safe."
Rachel cleared her throat, trying to hide the tears in her voice. "What did he want, Dad? You said he had a message…"
"Honey…Noah didn't get married." Fred scowled against the audible gulp Rachel made on the other end of the line.
Rachel's eyes widened, a stunned look crossing her beautiful face. Noah didn't get married. Noah didn't marry Kim. Noah's not married.
"What? Why?" She tried to remove the frantic sound from her questioning but failed at it.
Back in Ohio, Fred wanted to hug his daughter and smack her former best friend for the pain he was inflicting even now, from so far away. "He didn't say why, honey. He just asked me to tell you that he didn't get married and that he wants to talk to you…and that you should call him."
Rachel let out a sad snort, brushing a tear off her cheek. "I'm not calling him, Dad."
Fred's voice was reassuring. "I didn't think you would, honey. And I debated even telling you that he'd called but…I think you deserve to know…"
Rachel nodded into the empty room. "Well thanks, Dad."
"Call me if you want to talk, honey. I'm going to run to the store but then I'll be home all day."
"Okay…Love you, bye."
Hanging up, Rachel pushed her bagel aside because her appetite had all but disappeared.
Noah hadn't married Kim. He wasn't on his honeymoon right now. He was in Ohio, wondering where she was. Despite herself, Rachel felt her heart flutter. With a frustrated groan, she leaned back against the couch for support. He's not married. He wants me to call him.
Rachel looked at her phone. Then she looked over at the television. And then back at the phone.
Noah isn't married.
WHY?
Rachel stared ahead, her mind unable to process the earth-shattering news her father had just delivered.
Not married.
The knock on Rachel's door echoed through the living room, causing her to jump. Pulling herself out of her stunned stupor, she advanced over to the door, slowly pulling it open. Her eyes nearly bugged, her mouth dropping open, as she peeked through the small crack in the door.
"Rachel!" yelled a familiar voice, full of excitement.
Rachel yanked the door fully open. "Tina! What are you doing here?"
Tina smiled and stepped up to hug Rachel. "I thought you needed a friend," she said into Rachel's hair.
Rachel hugged her closer, rested her head on Tina's shoulder...and promptly burst into tears.
Tina looked momentarily shocked before jumping in, guiding a sobbing Rachel back inside the apartment, and closing the door with a soft thud. She had expected this. She was prepared. And it was time for some serious girl talk.
Tina maneuvered Rachel to the couch, where she clung to her and cried. It was obvious to Tina as she sat there stroking Rachel's hair and shushing her that the poor woman was clamoring for human touch. Her heart broke for her distraught friend.
"He didn't get married," Rachel whispered to Tina.
"What?" Tina wasn't sure she heard correctly.
"My dad just called. Noah called him…told him to ask me to call him and said that he…he wanted me to know that he didn't get married!" Tears fell, hot and fat against Tina's shirt, as the seriousness of the words washed over her.
Tina's mouth gaped open. Puck didn't get married? What the hell?
Rachel sniffled loudly. Tina pulled her closer for another hug, trying desperately to comfort Rachel but feeling like she was failing at it miserably.
"Why didn't he get married?" Rachel's voice was jus a whisper.
"I don't know, Rach. Guilt? Kim somehow found out that he'd cheated and chopped his dick off?"
Rachel snorted at Tina's statement, then quietly said, "Why does some part of me want it to be because he realized…that he loves me?"
"Because you love him… and it could be a possibility, too, you know. Didn't your dad say that Puck wants you to call him?"
Rachel stood up from the couch, stretching. With sad eyes, she turned to Tina and said, "I seriously doubt that he loves me. Misses me because he realizes I'm gone now? Maybe. But you don't ignore someone for two weeks after you have sex if you love that person. And he ignored me! Pretended I didn't exist! That's not love…He broke my heart, Tina. Actually, he broke me." Swiveling to meet Tina's eyes, Rachel loudly declared, "I'm not calling him."
Clapping her hands together, Rachel ignored the heaving in her chest and tried to change the subject. "So what are you doing here? I'm so happy to see you!"
"I thought you could use a friendly face. And it looks like I got here at just the right time. But I'm sorry I can only stay for the weekend, Rachel. I'd love to stay longer but my schedule is crazy. I'm attending a bunch of seminars this summer to get ready for the school year."
Rachel looked over at Tina. "I don't care if you can only stay for 20 minutes. You came...that's what matters." Rachel sat down next to Tina again and grabbed her hand, holding it in her own.
The friends sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the rain bounce off the glass of Rachel's windows.
"T, will it ever get easier?" Rachel's voice was soft, thoughtful.
"Will what ever get easier, Rach?" Tina tugged Rachel down until Rachel's head was in her lap.
"Getting over him. Pretending that he doesn't exist isn't working because obviously, he feels the need to call my father. I have to learn to heal…but will I?" Her voice was pained, almost bitter about the fact that Noah had taken to calling her father just to let her know that he hadn't gotten married. That fact didn't tell her anything…and it certainly provided no comfort to the pieces floating in her chest that used to resemble a heart.
"Eventually, yeah. But you can't force it. If you feel like crying over him, cry. If you feel like being pissed, be pissed. If you ever get to the point where you are ready to call and cuss him out, put me on conference before you do!"
Rachel looked up at Tina and their eyes met with a laugh.
It feels good to laugh. I need to do it more.
"I just wish...I hope that he feels bad, too. Actually, I want him miserable like I am. Is that wrong? Am I horrible?"
Tina snorted. "I can guarantee you that he feels bad. I don't think he meant for it to happen any more than you did. And think about it, he didn't get married and you're gone and....Rach, I'm pretty sure he's not doing well. Puck may be a lot of things but he's not heartless – okay, he was always heartless to pretty much everyone but you were the exception…"
"Then why did he ignore me afterward? Ignoring my calls and pretending I didn't exist was pretty heartless. Had he talked to me...had he said anything, even one damn word, and I might not be here now." Just a few words could have changed everything.
"Has Puck ever really known what to say when he needed to say it? Seriously, Rach, think about it. No! The man used to toss slushies on you and throw Kurt in a dumpster. He's never exactly used words to express how he feels about anything. Now, I don't pretend to be friends with him like you were but where you were concerned, things mattered to him, even when he didn't say them."
Tina watched Rachel's face contort and continued to speak. "Rach, don't think I'm defending him because I'm not. What happened was horrible. But I know that he cared about you and…" Tina looked down at the floor, carefully deciding what to say. "And I don't think he meant to hurt you. I think it just…happened."
Rachel's eyes brimmed with tears again. "Can't I just forget him? Why is it so hard to erase him from my memory? I sent most of the stuff that reminded me of him or that was his right back to him. I've still found a few things…and…I don't know what to do…" A tear spilled over onto Rachel's cheeks as the desperation she felt took over again.
"Rachel, you won't wake up tomorrow and not love him anymore. You loved him for a long time. It's going to take you a long time to forget. So don't force it. Besides...." Tina's voice faded.
"Besides what?" Rachel prodded.
"Do you really want to completely forget him? Yeah, things went bad but...do you want to forget about everything you shared?"
"But I need to move on. I have to move on. I have amazing memories of him but…" Rachel paused to sniffle, "…but now they all just remind me of how it ended. I just want to stop hurting."
"And you will, Rach. You really will."
Rachel closed her eyes and whispered, "And why didn't he end up marrying Kim? I mean, Tina…it makes me want to scream because I don't know. But then again, it doesn't matter. What he did was unforgiveable. He threw away everything we had when he walked out like that. His life and what he does with it – if he gets married or doesn't get married – is his own problem now. I'm done with it. I have to be."
Rachel flipped over so that she was on her side. "I just wish it hadn't happened. If we could only take it back...if it hadn't happened...."
"You can't change the past, Rach."
Rachel exhaled slowly, the weight of the situation pressing against her sternum. "I know."
Tina smiled sadly down at her depressed friend. "What do you say we go out for lunch and some of that sight-seeing you promised me? I think we've had about enough of Noah Puckerman talk for now, don't you?"
Nodding, Rachel sat up and ran her fingers through her hair. "Lunch sounds great."
Rachel began to feel much better once she and Tina left the apartment. After grabbing lunch at a little Mexican restaurant close to the heart of the city, the two longtime friends ended up at the Space Needle. Tina had her digital camera at the ready and snapped picture after picture once they made it to the observation deck. She and Rachel posed, hands in the air, once they found a nice couple that agreed to take a few pictures for them together. Laughing, they even posed for a picture waving "jazz hands" at the camera.
By the time their feet were back on solid group (and Tina was slightly green from the swaying of the Needle), Rachel was officially in the happiest moment she'd had since arriving in Seattle.
Wandering through downtown, Rachel spotted and eclectic-looking bookstore and dragged Tina in after her. She wandered through the rare paperbacks before ending up at the collection of old records, of course, while Tina perused the section on Seattle to spot any touristy places that she'd like to visit during her short trip.
"Excuse me," a deep male voice said to Rachel as he tried to move past her.
Rachel mumbled "sorry" and pressed herself up against the record racks, grousing about how the shop was so tightly packed that customers couldn't even navigate comfortably.
A few minutes later, when Rachel was reading the back of a Simon & Garfunkel album, she heard the same voice again. She instinctively shoved herself against the racks again but a strong arm reached to stop her. Turning, Rachel's brown eyes connected with a pair of green ones belonging to a much taller man.
"I'm sorry," Rachel said. "Am I in your way?"
The man laughed, the rumble emanating from his broad chest. "No, quite the contrary. I was just going to tell you that I have that album…grew up on it actually, and it's one of the best there is."
Rachel smiled at the brown-haired, nearly 6-foot-tall man. "My father has this album back home. I've heard it a million times but just never buy it. I could probably buy it in CD form but…"
"…there is just something about the original recordings on record, right? The way they were made to sound?" He finished for her.
Rachel nodded, a more genuine grin crossing her face as she realized that she was talking to a fellow music-worshipper.
"Now, this one," the man said, reaching for an album that Rachel recognized as one from The Beatles. "This one is my favorite. My father played this one all the time."
Rachel wrinkled up her nose. "Can't say I've ever been a fan of The Beatles, in all honesty. They have a lot of great lyrics but the sound…the particular sound just never appealed to me."
The man's handsome face contorted like he was wounded by Rachel's insult. Then, smiling, he put the album back. "Well, I knew you couldn't be completely flawless."
Rachel blushed at his attempt at a compliment. Just then, Tina approached her, smiling at the man.
"Hey, T…you ready to go?" Rachel asked, one eye on the stranger.
Tina nodded. Rachel looked up at the man. "It was nice talking to you." She turned to step away but he reached out his hand and put it on her arm.
"I'd love it if you'd go to dinner with me sometime…that is, if you're available." Rachel swiveled to stare at him. Seriously? Am I being asked out in a bookstore?
Tina's mouth gaped. Rachel began to speak, "No…it's probably best that…"
Tina stepped in front of Rachel, cutting her off. "Don't listen to my friend Rachel, here…What's your name?"
The man chuckled, offering his hand to Tina. "Nick…Nick Collins."
"Nick, so nice to meet you. This is my friend, Rachel Berry. She just moved here from Ohio and doesn't know anyone in town. If you give me your number, I'll pass it along to her and I'm sure she will reconsider your dinner offer."
Rachel stood behind Tina, her mouth hanging open. Seriously, Tina. What are you doing?
Nick reached into his pocket, pulled out a scrap of paper, and wrote down his number. With a nod, he handed the number to Tina. Looking around her, he winked at Rachel and said, "I hope to hear from you, Rachel." Then he turned on his heel and walked away.
When he was out of earshot, Rachel grabbed Tina's arm. "I could kill you! What was that?"
"That," Tina indicated the direction Nick had gone, "was Step One in your recovery plan. You need to go on a date with a handsome stranger." Tina fanned herself. "And that man? Gorgeous…"
Rachel laughed, nodding in agreement. "He was quite attractive, wasn't he?"
Shoving Nick's number down in Rachel's purse, Tina grabbed her hand. "Let's go. I read about some ferry rides and am dying to go on one." Hair flying behind her, Tina pulled Rachel out of the store and back into the grey Seattle daylight to do more sightseeing.
Tina was stretched out on the bed, listening to the wind knock a tree limb against Rachel's bedroom window, when a flash of lightning startled her. Jerking, she looked over to where Rachel was lying next to her and realized that her eyes were also open.
"Did the storm wake you up, too?"
Rachel shook her head. "No…already awake."
The lightning flashed again and Tina could see tear streaks down Rachel's face.
"You okay?" Tina sat up, leaning back against the headboard, and pulled Rachel up to her.
Rachel dropped her head onto Tina's shoulder. "I'm usually okay at night but tonight, I just keep seeing him. I almost wish Dad wouldn't have told me that Noah called. It's just too painful."
"Rachel," Tina began carefully, "You could call him, you know. Just to talk."
"No…I can't." Rachel didn't offer a further explanation and Tina didn't seem to need one.
Tina looped her fingers through Rachel's hair, skimming it over her palm. She smiled, her eyes crinkling, and asked, "Rachel, not to be gross or anything but...what was it like? And you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to because it's painful and all but...you know...."
What was it like? Incredible. Earth-shattering. Devastating.
"No, Tina, it's fine. It's not like I don't think about it every ten minutes anyway." Rachel pulled away from Tina, sitting straight up in the bed and staring into the darkness. "You know when you dream of something for a nearly and eternity and then, when you finally get it, it ends up being better than you could possibly have ever imagined?"
Tina nodded, knowing completely what Rachel meant.
Rachel bit her lip, remembering the feeling of his hands and lips ghosting over her body as he explored her curves. "It was like that...only better." She let the involuntary shiver race over her body, berating herself for the fact that she could still manage to feel that coil of desire inside her whenever she thought about how they'd come together. If she blocked out what had happened afterward, she could admit that it was the singular most amazing sexual experience of her life; partly because he was a skilled lover who lived up to his reputation but mainly because it had been him with her. For those moments, the entire world had ceased to be and everything, absolutely everything, had been exactly right.
Sighing, Rachel fell back into her pillows. "I hate thinking about it."
Tina cleared her throat. "I'm sorry I brought it up…I don't even know why I did."
"No, T, it's okay. Like I said, I think about it all the time anyway, even when I try my damnedest not to."
Tina glanced over at the window. "The storm is dying down. Let's try to get some sleep."
Rachel nodded and the two friends burrowed back under the covers to sleep for the rest of the night.
By the time Tina hugged Rachel goodbye and hopped into the cab that would take her to the airport a day later, Rachel felt strong again - stronger than she'd felt in weeks. Having Tina around, if only for a couple of days, had done wonders for her. She'd been able to vent all her frustrations and sadness over the entire Noah debacle and had begun to believe that life did exist post-Puckerman.
Grabbing her laptop, Rachel tucked her legs under her and sat the computer on the arm of the couch. She logged into her Gmail account, her eyes skimming over the many emails that shed ignored over the past 48 hours. Suddenly, she stopped and blinked. And then blinked again.
"Noah Puckerman has sent you a message on Facebook," the screen screamed at her. Clicking it, she was taken to her account. Her hands shook as she began to read:
I found a way to contact you after all. I left a message through your dad but I don't know if he'll give it to you. Rachel, I know you may not even read this but you left me no other way. I know I fucked up. I fucked up HUGE. Please call me. Email me. Text me. Something! We have to talk. I didn't get married. And I miss you…
She read the few words on the screen over and over again. She could practically see his hazel eyes, dark with concern, as he typed out the few words of his message. He'd probably rubbed his hand over his hair a dozen times as he thought about what he wanted to say before he'd ever even started typing. And as he was typing, she could almost see him smiling, thinking he'd gotten one over on her because she hadn't completely closed her Facebook account. His toothy smile flashed into her head and tears began pooling.
Oh Noah…why do you have to do this?
Rachel read the message again, snorting at the comment that he'd "fucked up."
"Oh really?" she asked her computer screen incredulously. "Ya think?"
Her eyes settled on his request for her to call him, glaring at his words. But the she stilled… Should I? Do I? Her heart pounding, she nearly reached for her cell phone. Her hands literally itched to dial his number.
Just to hear his voice again.
He misses me.
He's NOT married…that has to mean something.
God, I miss him so much…I can practically feel him…
Angrily wiping a tear from her cheek, she moved her mouse up and clicked the message closed without responding.
"I have nothing to say to you. You said everything you needed to when you pretended that nothing had happened and that I didn't exist. You can't come crawling back now, Noah Puckerman." She was yelling at her computer screen but it felt good. With a glare, she closed her laptop, tossed it on the couch cushion as she stood up, and then padded over to the window to look out. A gentle rain was falling over Seattle, leaving everything with a gray tinge.
So fitting for how I feel – for how he makes me feel.
Exactly why I belong here now.
Not there. Here.
As she stared out over the Seattle skyline, Rachel kept telling herself that there was life after heartbreak. She had to believe that one day, she would be able to breathe in and out without his name being interlaced with her heartbeat. But as she stared out the window, the message he'd sent from 2200 miles away running through her head, she realized that no matter now far she ran, she wasn't sure she could ever run far enough. Just a few words from him and any progress she thought she'd made instantly disappeared and she was left alone again, her heart as raw and exposed as it had been the night everything had changed. It would be so easy to reply or to pick up the phone and start again with him; after all, he apparently wasn't married and calling him was all she really wanted to do anyway. But too much had happened; too much had been left unspoken for far too long. She should have told him how she felt about him long before Kim ever came into the picture; she shouldn't have kissed him that night when he was vulnerable; she shouldn't have expected him to feel the same way about her; she should have expected him to react exactly as he had. But too much had happened and if Noah Puckerman couldn't give her his all, she didn't want any – not anymore. She would never be able to pick up the pieces of her heart and mend it back together if he was there, orbiting in her peripheral vision. Ignoring the tears on her cheeks, she ran her hands through her hair, pulling it back from her face. She'd rather love him for the rest of her life but never set eyes on him again than let him do any more damage than he'd already done. He was an indelible part of her past but he hadn't wanted her to be his future. She just wished she could stop wanting him to be hers.
Grabbing her cell phone, she eyed the scrap of paper lying next to her keys on the coffee table. Typing in the number, it rang and then a voice picked up.
"Hi, is this Nick?" Rachel began. "This is Rachel Berry, from the bookstore the other day? Well, I've changed my mind. If the offer is still open, I'd love to go out to dinner with you."
A few minutes later, Rachel clicked the phone off. She had a date. There was life after Noah Puckerman and she was determined to try and live a little of it.
A/N2: Curious about Nick Collins? Picture Channing Tatum…. (Thanks to Katertots for the suggestion!)