I can admit one thing, at least. Maybe not out loud, but I can admit it to myself, and for now that's all that matters.

I'm terrified of losing Spike.

How it got to this stage – going from confused friends to being scared to lose him – isn't as confusing as it was before. Everything's moving so fast, and now that I think about it, my feelings aren't really developing. They're…awakening.

Like they were always there, deep down, but asleep. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not surprised. When I saw Spike for the first time over two years ago, my first thought was 'damn, he's hot'. And then he had to ruin it by threatening to kill me, and my quick little fantasy about him went up in flames.

The reincarnation thing makes sense. So much sense that it's scary. Because even though I've mostly forgotten my past lives apart from what I saw in the dreams, the feelings are still there. And they really are waking up after centuries of hibernation.

It makes me realize that falling in love with him is inevitable. It'll happen, no matter how long I stay swimming in that river in Egypt, and that not only scares me but it excites me, too. And that just scares me more.

And when I do – because it's really a matter of when instead of a matter of if – I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. But this reincarnation thing makes me feel better; because then the love already existed and it's not really my fault, but then again those other Slayers before were me so it's still me meaning that it's still my fault, and does that mean there's something wrong with me if I can love a soulless vampire even if he really isn't that bad to begin with…

OK. Breathe. Calm down. It hasn't happened yet.

Yet.

Where does this love even come from? And is it connected to what I learnt before, about love being the thing that keeps me alive? I'm still struggling, even with that knowledge, so there must be something I'm missing. I think back to Spike's words about balance between being a Slayer and being a girl. How do I find that balance?

I talk to Giles about it. He said that he'd help me figure this Slayer thing out, and this counts as a Slayer thing.

He looks thoughtful for a moment before he turns back to me. "There is something…in the Watchers diaries…"

"Yeah, and they've been real helpful with the dreams."

"I know this to be true," he insists. "It has been spoken about and practised. A quest."

"A quest?" I ask. "Like…finding a grail, or something?"

"Not a grail," he says. "Maybe answers. It would take a day, perhaps two. Some Slayers before you found it helpful in…regaining their focus. There are many sacred places around the world for them, and one such place happens to be right here in the desert. It's…it's not far."

I remember the latest dream and the quest Alys undertook. It led her to Brom, and while they didn't get their happily ever after, she did find her answers. I nod. "Alright. Helps that classes haven't started back up yet."

Spike offers to patrol while I'm gone, which I'm grateful for. I'm not worried that he'll get re-captured by the commandos, since they're all still on vacation. I really don't know what I'm gonna do about them – do about Riley – when they return.

It's one of the many things to think about, but now's not the time.

The car journey is quiet, and it helps me think about what I need to discover. But thinking about it more just confuses me; I don't really know what I need to find out. Hopefully it'll be one of those quests where you discover more about yourself than you were really asking for; gain answers to the questions you didn't know you were asking.

Or it'll just be a bust and I'll be back to square one.

We finally arrive in the desert and we get out. Giles opens the trunk and I ask, "What's in the trunk?"

"Supplies."

"Supplies?" I thought it'll only take a day or two? But even then I'll need the basics. "Like food? Water? Maybe a compass?"

"How about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs?"

Oh. "I don't think I'll be that hungry, anyway." Why are these things always so mystical? Did the Boy Scouts not exist when these rituals and quests were written?

"They're for me," he tells me, as if I hadn't already figured that out. "Come on, this way." I follow him as he leads me away from the car and into the hills. Then he stops, looking at the ground.

"So this is the sacred place?" I ask. It doesn't look all that sacred and special.

"No. You see, the location of the sacred place is a guarded secret," he explains. "I can't take you there myself. I'll have to perform a ritual to transfer my guardianship of you, temporarily, to a guide."

I'm starting to think that what he read in the Watchers diaries is just like everything else we've read: bullshit. "A guide, but no food or water? So…it leads me to the sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?"

"Buffy, please. It takes more than a week to bleach bones."

Comforting. "So how's it start?"

Now he looks embarrassed. "I, uh… I jump out of the circle and then jump back in it, and then…um…I shake my gourd."

OK, the Watchers Council have redeemed themselves a little with this bit of self-embarrassment. "I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around."

"Go quest." Giles sits down and shakes the gourd, but nothing happens.

I grin. It feels good to pull a smile of any kind, especially with what's been happening over the past few weeks. "And that's what it's all about."

He silently shoos me away, and I leave with a roll of my eyes.

I wander, not really sure where I'm supposed to be going. The least he could've done is given me a compass, but no; that's not in the sacred rules, or whatever. At least Alys was told to go in a certain direction. And she had a guide.

I'm supposed to have one too, according to Giles. Is mine gonna be an animal?

I get my answer when I hear a low purr, and I turn to look up at the rocks above me. It's a mountain lion, or cougar, or whatever they're called. It sits there watching me patiently.

"Hello, kitty." Great, and the award for the lamest line in the face of a dangerous predator goes to…

It tilts its head to the side before standing and jumping down in front of me. It begins to walk away before turning back towards me, giving me a silent message to follow. So this is my guide. I follow.

We wander through the desert, and I know it's been hours since I left Giles. Now I know why I don't need food, or water. Because I'm not getting hungry or thirsty out here, for some reason. I don't even have the urge to go pee. Maybe there's magic that prevents my basic human needs from distracting me during my quest?

As the sun dips lower in the sky, we arrive at a place where two rocks rise up either side of us, and somehow, I feel that I should know this place. The "sacred magic" of it gets to me somehow, and I don't even notice when my guide leaves me alone.

With nothing else to do, I find a rock and I sit on it.

I wait.

I look up into the sky and see both the sun setting and the moon rising. Both with jobs to do, both separate, and yet, both working in tandem.

By day I'm a girl. By night I'm the Slayer. But sometimes I have to be the Slayer during the day, and sometimes I get to be just a girl at night. The sun and the moon make it look so easy. Maybe if I had someone who understands both…sun and moon…day and night…light and dark…life and death…

I close my eyes for only a moment. But when I open them, it's night and there's a fire before me.

And on the other side of that fire is a figure, hiding itself – herself.

Her skin is dark, and her body is covered in tribal paint. Her hair is in dreads, and in her right hand she carries a stick. Wait, not a stick. A stake.

She's a Slayer.

And judging by how she looks…she's a very old Slayer.

"Who are you?" I ask.

Her mouth doesn't move, but I hear her speak. "I am Sineya, the First of the Ones."

The First Slayer. Wow.

I examine her and see that she almost appears demon-like. Is this what all Slayers become overtime? A mirror image of the creatures they're supposed to hunt and kill? What is a Slayer's life if they only become creatures of the dark themselves?

"I…I come with questions," I say. "About… I'm not really sure. I was told that a Slayer must be alone, but if they remain alone then they die young. They don't learn anything. I've lived this long because I love. Is love the key to the balance I need to bring into my life?"

She watches me before she talks again, and her lips still don't move. "You are a Slayer. A Slayer lives in the action of death, the blood cry, and the penetrating wound. You are destruction. Absolute… Alone."

"Only if I want to die. Didn't I already tell you that?" I say.

"You love. You give. You forgive. That is not the way of the Slayer."

"It's what humans do, and I'm still human," I tell her. "Having a normal life has kept me alive so far, but I need more than that. I need balance. Tara told me that my Gift is different than the Slayer's usual Gift."

"Death is your Gift."

I shake my head. "No, it's not. I'm not going suicidal just because I can't cope with my life. Is balance my true Gift? Is love?"

"You are a persistent one, Child. Love will lead you to your Gift."

Love…will lead me to my… Thinking about love makes me think about Spike, and what his ancestor told Alys all those centuries ago…

Then it hits me.

Spike is my Gift.

He is the balance. I am the day while he is the night. The sun and the moon. Light and dark. Life and death. He knows what death is, and yet he still goes on living – sort of. He understands that it's not all about killing. He kills in the night and lives in the day, just like me.

He understands me. And if I accept his love – when I accept it, because I know it's inevitable – I know in my heart that there will be nothing but balance. By night he will be my partner in slaying, while by day he'll be my…

OK, I'm so not ready for that word.

"Well, looks like this quest wasn't a bust, after all," I say aloud.

"You can still come back to us," says the First Slayer. "You can still join your brethren where you belong. A Slayer does not belong next to the very thing she is supposed to slay."

"But in isolating yourself, you've become the thing you're supposed to slay," I tell her. "Didn't you ever wonder if there was a higher purpose to your calling than just this? Kill, kill, kill? Seems I'm figuring it out, and I'm getting the reward. Hopefully I won't be the last."

The fire suddenly goes out, and I'm left in the dark.