Fate or Fortune
Fortune Reversed: Words Unspoken
The wheel of fortune hangs reverse,
Words unsaid upon pride's curse.
Sunday, December 23rd 2012
Inaba; Japan
The blade of the letter opener slid smoothly through the fold of the envelope, making a satisfying 'snick' as it split open the top. Naoto clicked the cap back over the blade, and with a flourish she tucked it into her coat pocket.
The teenager turned her attention with budding excitement towards the envelope clearly printed with a watermark above her Inaba address.
It was her university acceptance.
She eagerly tipped the paper out and unfolded it with a tremor of anticipation.
As her eyes scanned the page, she suppressed the urge to throw up a victorious fist.
Tokyo University. She was accepted!
Though, it wasn't really surprising. It wasn't like the entrance exams had given her any difficulty, or the exams leading up to them for that matter.
In fact, she didn't know why she was so excited. It had been practically guaranteed.
With a hum of satisfaction Naoto stacked the envelope against the pile of unsorted miscellanea upon her desk.
She slid from her plush chair to sit down on her unmade bed, pulling over her laptop and tugging the power chord nearly to the tethers.
With a swipe across the touchpad she took it out of sleep mode and clicked open her browser, hesitating on the homepage.
Naoto's first thought had been to email Souji with the news and ask him about his results, but...
He hadn't replied in over a month.
Something was wrong...the detective in her felt certain. Things had been different ever since that summer festival.
She should have realised sooner, but she could never keep her cool logic when she was around him.
How could she have missed the signs?
What was Souji not telling her?
With a huffed sigh, she reached for the climate control remote and increased the temperature in the room by another two degrees in a bid to convince herself that her sudden shiver was due to the blizzard howling outside and not the knot of anxiety she held within.
He had said it was all up to luck or fate.
What had he meant?
He was incredibly intelligent. There was no way he wouldn't make the cut into this university.
Yet there he was, counting on luck or the superstitious concept of fate to see him through.
What a joke.
If Naoto had learnt anything in her brief life it was that everyone was the maker of their own destiny. That could not apply to anybody more than Souji.
Countless times Naoto had witnessed his charismatic influence, changing the lives of so many, just by offering advice or simply an ear to listen.
If anything, he was fate.
However...
She clicked open her inbox and stared listlessly at the [0 New Mail] displayed.
Slowly, she brought up a blank mail template and began typing up the news that she had made it into Tokyo. She edited it over and over again until it sounded more like a formal declaration then an announcement of good tidings.
Just as she moved the cursor to the Send button, she suddenly paused, leaving her mouse hovering over the word.
The cursor steadily slid to the x on the top right corner, and then clicked the page closed.
Naoto snapped the laptop shut none too gently and tossed it on her bed into the gap between the pillow and the wall.
She dropped heavily onto the mattress, lying stretched out on her bed.
A sigh left her as she pressed her palms over her eyes, blocking out the dim ambient glow of her lamp, and with it the world around her.
For several minutes all she heard was the howl of the wind outside rattling hard against her window, muffled by the thick curtains she had drawn to keep in the heat.
How long she'd been lying there, on the verge of sleep, she did not know, but in a split instance she was scrambling up with her eyes glued to the face of her watch.
The familiar beep of the meeting watches sounded in her ear so unexpectedly she had thought it was a figment of her imagination in her half-lucid drowsing state.
She strained to read the display through bleary eyes and dim light.
As her eyes adjusted she confirmed that it was no illusion.
Naoto sprang from her bed, upsetting the rest of the contents tangled within her unmade blanket, and dashed for the front door, careful not to trip over her scattered belongings in her haste.
As the sound of knuckle striking hard wood rang through her front door Naoto pulled it open, almost knocked off balance by the sudden gust that tore through behind it.
Standing outside, framed by the biting frost, was Souji, knuckles poised to deliver a second knock.
"Naoto..." He murmured, his voice whipped away and carried off into the wind. His eyes were cast down and his expression was hidden by the scarf and hood.
Naoto's hand flew out, gripping the end of his scarf and pulling him in with a jerk. She pushed her shoulder into the door, forcing it shut against the howling wind.
After a click, all became still and silent.
Naoto turned around, her back pressed against the door, cheeks raw from brief exposure to the biting wind. Around her feet were scattered lumps of ice, melting, adding chaos to the already disordered living room.
Turning her attention upwards, Naoto searched for her lover's eyes, the rim of his thick hood obscuring his features.
Her pulse quickened.
His eyes were not meeting hers.
Souji began to unwind the scarf from around his mouth, revealing his lips which were pressed together in a thin line. Lumps of ice fell from the little pockets made by the fabric.
"...Change out of your wet clothes. I'll find you something warm." Naoto strode briskly away, heading back to her bedroom.
As she paused in front of the closet, she took a moment to compose herself, taking a deep breath, mind working through the implications of his visit.
His body language and his lack of eye contact...
Her brows drew together.
"You have nothing that would fit me." Souji's voice sounded from the door, making her jump. She quickly turned to the door as she realised he was standing just beyond it, outside of her room.
He usually barged right in...
"You're right." She stepped over towards the bed, taking the remote for the climate control and clicking it up seven degrees, then strode towards the door.
She stood face to face with Souji, hood now pulled back but eyes cast down.
Naoto slowly reached forward and pulled his soaked scarf from his neck. "Take off your jacket anyway." She held out her hand. Souji obediently unzipped and handed her the sodden garment.
There was still no eye contact.
She slipped into the bathroom to hang the items around her radiator, shoving her school uniform off the rack in the process.
She had hung those to dry just the day before. Rise had decided it was a good idea to ambush her as she trudged home, burying her in a hail of snowballs, every one of them seeming to find their mark.
Somehow, that memory felt like an age ago.
She draped the sodden jacket on the rack and the scarf beside it.
Chewing her lip, she glanced nervously over her shoulder, half expecting him to be standing there.
But the doorway stood bare. He had not even entered her room.
Naoto paced up to the open frame, stopping at the threshold, still hidden from view from her bedroom door.
She leant her shoulder against the wall, unsure as how to broach this topic.
"What's wrong?" Naoto finally spoke, voice steady and clear, masking the dread within her heart.
A pause followed, silence stretching out between them, and the only sound Naoto could hear was the heavy beating of her own heart.
In a faint voice, Souji's reply pierced the silence. "...Everything."
A tremor darted through her breath as she exhaled. "What do you mean?"
His next words struck a chill into her heart. "I'm sorry..."
"Are you saying you...?" The words stuck in Naoto's throat, she took a breath and asked. All she could choke out was, "...Tokyo University?"
"I can't go." He answered, sorrow colouring his voice.
"You didn't make it?" Naoto shook her head. How could that be? She mentally asked herself. He couldn't have missed the cut.
...No... Not just that...
Results were only received today.
If he was travelling to Inaba to tell me... There was no way...
"It didn't matter if I made it or not." Frustration tinged his words. Naoto slowly edged around the door frame, glancing at Souji who was slumped against the wall and sitting opposite.
"It matters. Why wouldn't it matter?" Naoto muttered under her breath, withdrawing back to her side.
He went silent for a moment, before he answered in a surrendered tone, "...Because...from next year on, I won't be in Japan anymore."
His words crashed upon her. "I-I don't understand! What do you mean?"
He's leaving Japan?
Why didn't he say something?
Why did I only find out now?
...He knew!
There was no way a decision like this could come about spontaneously!
Why didn't he say anything?
"I-My family..." His muttering was almost inaudible. Naoto quietened the turmoil in her mind to strain her ears for his words. "My father was offered a position in America..."
Naoto knew Souji's parents had travelled a lot for their work. He had told her, but he never spoke of the details.
"How is this different from before?" she demanded.
"...I asked them the same thing..." He fell silent again; there was a long pause before he answered. "...It's a permanent position."
Naoto's eyes widened with realisation.
Souji had gone through much relocation during his teenage years and most of his childhood. That was much of the reason he became such an orderly and self-reliant man. However, this was not going to be just a temporary relocation. Souji was leaving, and for good.
"You're moving...to America?"
"My parents want me with them." Souji heaved a sigh mired in frustration before suddenly snapping. "I asked them! I tried!" he exclaimed, a little more forcefully then he intended. "But the fact remains that I can't survive here by myself without their financial support!"
"Scholarship?"
"I tried! Don't you think that would be the first thing I did? But by the time I found out we were moving all the scholarship applications had already closed!" He stilled, calming himself before continuing. "I tried everything. Chased up every lead. I even petitioned the Kirijo group to grant me a Scholarship through contract." Souji paused again, his vexation so severe it even seeped through the silence. "...They deferred to my father's wishes." His voice dropped off once more. "They are offering me a scholarship, but for an American university." Quietly he murmured what seemed to be the hardest thing he had to say. "The course will be for four years... I can't ask you to wait that long..."
Naoto's heart thudded in her ears.
"Then live with me." She said without giving it a second's thought. "Take the university offer and live with me! My family owns properties within the city. You can-!"
"No!" Souji growled, startling Naoto into silence. "I can't..." his voice dropped off. Hesitantly, in a small voice, Naoto asked him why.
"...I will not live as a deadbeat." He ground his teeth together at the last word. It was almost as though he was spitting it out.
A silence fell in the wake of his words. The implications weighed down between them.
"...Why?" Naoto murmured. "Why do I only hear of this now? Why did you keep this to yourself?"
"...I couldn't..." His words hitched under his breath.
"And now I'm supposed to accept it like that?" Naoto was on the verge of tears, furious at being left in the dark. Furious at his damned pride.
After a few seconds her reeling mind pushed past her anger.
A chilling thought formed; a thought she had kept suppressed all this time.
He had intended to do this.
She had known since the beginning that she was not the ideal image of beauty.
She had known that she did not match up in any way to his previous girlfriend.
It was logical to deduce...that this was just a phase...
...Experimentation...
Why else would he keep that to himself?
To not divulge the knowledge that he was, with a high degree of certainty, going to leave the country?
He had known for months, and he only told her only at the last possible moment, making it impossible for her to intervene.
He was bored with her...and now he was moving on.
America...was a convenience.
She gritted her teeth and tried to take in a calming breath.
"...I understand."
She pulled herself upright and stepped towards the radiator, removing Souji's scarf and jacket from the rack. "Then go..."
She held them tight in her grip as she made to turn, but suddenly stiffened with shock as arms coiled around her. She felt herself pulled backwards against a familiar chest.
"I'm sorry." He just barely managed to utter in her ear, his voice trying not to crack.
She felt moisture where his cheek touched hers.
"I'm so sorry..." He pulled her tight pressing her against him.
She could feel the quiver upon his breath, the shudder within his chest.
"... Please find someone that can make you happy." He continued despite his quaking tone. "In the end I could only keep one of our promises... I won't be selfish anymore. I won't tie you down."
He held her tighter, and in a breath so faint it could be a passing breeze, he whispered,
"I love you."
With that, Souji released her and took his jacket from her loosened grip.
Naoto stood numbly, unturned, as the man she loved walked out of her life.
The sound of the blizzard shrieked aloud once more, then abruptly ceased upon the click of deadbolt lock.
Slowly, Naoto raised her hand to wipe the tears he left on her cheek, her own tears mingling with his as her fingers gently brushed them away.
The last memory she had of him was of his anguish, one so strong she could still feel it holding her tightly long after he'd left.
She'd never even turned to look at him.
The one thing she would always regret was the crippling doubt that had forced her hand to slip the ebony pen into his jacket pocket, discarding the memory he had left her.
Happy Dragon day everyone! (Today is the release of Skyrim)
A/N: The line in this chap "Everyone is the maker of their own destiny" is a shout out to my old High school. "Faber est suae quisque fortunae" Though ironically, the literal translation of our motto was actually "Every man is the maker of their own fortune"...
This was the last of the Fortune chapters! It's now future(present day) all the way!
Cultural trivia: In Japanese culture (as with most Asian cultures) the number 4 is unlucky. This is because its pronunciation sounds like death (shi).
And misfortune indeed strikes four years on from this chapter.
Kharta has created a very artsy title page for this fanfic. Check it out. Link is on the top of my profile page.
He had gone one step further and made a manga omake of chapter 2. Check it out! Link in my profile.
A thank you to my Beta reader and video game reviewer Jahan. If anyone is into video games take a look at his reviews on the PALGN site. Needless to say he did the Persona 4 review. Find the link to the persona 4 review on my profile page.
Another thank you to my second Beta reader Bukala who not only has edited my fanfic for a smoother read but has graciously agreed to use his time to tutor me on how to fine-tune my writing skills. Not every fanfic writer gets such an opportunity to learn.
Disclaimer: I do not own Persona. If I did Naoto would have never dated a two(to ten)-timing Souji. She'd be too detective-smart!
Next update on the 25th of November:
Hierophant: The Shards Connected
Seek the truth beyond your eyes,
Words of fools belies the wise.