A/N: I stared at a blank page for hours before finally getting the words down for this chapter. It was hard to begin with but once I got going it actually rocked my world. The conversation between Jane and Maura was quite inspiring, even for me. I am not sure who or what I was channelling but I loved whatever came out of it. Now that we are progressing into the "rebuilding" zone I am afraid of falling for the same thing the series stumbles over... I don't want to forget about the angst, drama and intense emotions we had in the beginning now that we move on to the friendship and possible love stage. I want things to progress the way they have been. Slow, steady and controlled. I hope this chapter has everything the rest of the story had too, even if it took me a little bit more effort to get it done.
Chapter 14
And I'm sure you're on your way
Yes I'm sure you're on the road
And I'm sure you're faster than before
Yes I know you're somewhere on the road
I reckon there is nothing more to say
~Kate Havnevik – Nowhere Warm
She pulled up outside of Maura's house and sat behind the wheel for a little while, staring at the house. It felt like a lifetime since she had been here last. The windows were illuminated and she could see shadows walk around inside. She immediately recognised the shapes that belonged to Frankie and her mother. A little smile crept across her face and when she finally got out of the car she felt more confident than she had done since Maura's return. She crossed the path to the front door, with Joe Friday jumping around at her feet, and knocked. The sound of footsteps approaching the door made her heart race and when the door opened and revealed the dimly lit hallway, Jane had to blink a few times.
Maura stood in the open door. Dressed in a white long sleeved shirt, black slacks and knee length boots she looked amazing. Her honey coloured hair fell wavy down her shoulders and even in the weak hallway light her eyes seemed bright and sparkly. "Hi."
"Hi," Jane smiled, suddenly reminded of the night she had come to see Maura after Ian had left.
"You came," Maura said and Jane detected the hint of relief in her voice.
"I invited you, remember?" she said as she arched an eyebrow.
Maura smiled. "It's my house, Jane."
"I know that," Jane sheepishly grinned and looked over Maura's shoulder into the hallway. Joe Friday had run past the medical examiner into the house and she heard Tommy cooing over the dog as well as heavy sound of Bass' paws as the tortoise tried to escape over exciting, yapping dog. Her dark eyes found Maura. "May I come in?"
"Of course."
Jane stepped past the smaller woman into the house and their arms brushed against each other. Jane unclenched her hands almost instinctively and stopped herself from reaching out and touching the other woman's hand. The sudden electric shock startled the detective and she froze in her tracks. She picked up the scent of Maura's expensive perfume. Maura turned around after closing the door and the two women stood facing each other. Their eyes were drawn to each other and for seconds neither of them spoke.
"Dinner's ready!" Angela's voice called from the kitchen and the two women were snapped out of their musings and shared a final, slightly confused, glance and then they both walked into the kitchen. Tommy, who had been leaning against the counter as he sipped from his beer, gave his sister a hug and she punched Frankie against his shoulder when he walked past carrying a tray of Angela's famous lasagne. But throughout it all, Jane's eyes searched for Maua's again and she found her reorganising some of the cutlery on the table. Their gazes locked when the medical examiner looked up.
"Jane."
It was Constance and the dark haired detective allowed the older woman to wrap her up in an embrace. It felt a little uncomfortable at first but Jane remembered their conversation back in Geneva and she eventually rested her head on the other woman's shoulder.
"It's good to see you again. I'm glad you're here, Constance whispered. No one could hear her but Jane. She held her a little closer. "I'm glad you and Maura are talking again. She missed you."
When they broke apart Jane sighed. "I missed her too."
Constance cocked an eyebrow and she gave Jane a meaningful smile. "Then make sure she knows that."
Angela walked past them, a plate with freshly baked garlic bread in hand and overheard the last sentence. She cast a quick glance at Maura who was still looking at Jane. "Oh if you ask me, she already knows."
Jane quietly slipped into her seat at the table and found that Maura slipped into the one next to her. Constance sat down across from Jane whilst Angela took the head of the table, Frankie took the other end and Tommy sat down next to Constance. The table was full of food, wine and all eyes fixed on Angela. Jane could see the happiness flicker in her mother's eyes and felt warm inside. This was her family. This was what made her feel at home, what made her feel safe. And even though she missed her father at times like these, this was what made her happy. She glanced at Maura and found her looking back at her. The medical examiner's hand rested neatly in her lap and Jane wanted to reach out so badly and touch her. But she couldn't. Something stood in her way and she didn't even know what it was. But it was there. And it still complicated things.
"I just want to say 'well done' to Tommy for making such good progress. Finding a job these days is hard enough and even though we'll all miss him I am sure he'll do amazing in Seattle," Angela said. A tear glistened in the corner of her eye but Jane could see the pride on her mother's face. "His bags are packed and he's ready to go."
"And he's leaving on a jet plane," Frankie finished her sentence and the sound of laughter filled the dining area. Frankie gave Tommy a look and raised his glass. "To my little brother."
"Don't go around getting into any trouble in Seattle. It's a long way to drive and bail you out," Jane grinned and Tommy laughed.
"I'll miss you all but mostly I'll miss Ma's cooking."
Jane grinned. "There's a McDonalds on every corner. You'll live."
"Hey, don't compare my cooking to junk food!" Angela protested. But there was a playful smile lingering on her lips. "Now," She reached for the spoons lying neatly in the middle of the table. "Who's hungry?"
For a while all that could be heard was the sound of dishes being passed around, plates being filled and wine being poured into crystal glasses. For as long as ten, maybe fifteen minutes nobody spoke and they were all in the company of their own thoughts as well as the food and the alcohol that was consumed. Jane put down her wineglass and looked down at the half eaten food on her plate. It was delicious but somehow she wasn't hungry. When she glanced beside her she noticed that Maura had barely touched hers either but her wineglass was empty.
"Would you excuse me, please?" Jane said and pushed her chair away from the table.
Angela gave her a look as if she was about to say something but the look in her daughter's eyes silenced her. Jane quickly glanced at Constance and avoided meeting her both her brother's eyes. The sound of her footsteps died out on Maura's floor and for a few seconds there was just a silence. Constance then pushed her chair back, briefly meeting Maura's eyes.
"I'll go see if she's allright."
"No," Maura cut her mother off and put down the fork that had been pushing the lasagne around her plate. If she'd eaten three mouthfuls it would have been a lot. Instead she had sat staring at her food, overly aware of Jane sitting next to her. Whenever the dark haired detective moved all her muscles tightened and she was overwhelmed by the fight or flight sensation. She was not sued to feeling like this out of control and helpless. The napkin that had been on her lap landed on her plate. "I'll go."
She excused herself and left the table. She had heard the front door a few seconds earlier and followed the only route she knew Jane could have taken. She walked through the kitchen into the hall and then outside. She found her friend sitting outside, leaning against the fountain that wasn't working yet. The fairy lights in the trees were on, creating a strangely Christmassy atmosphere in the middle of August. It was dark but relatively warm.
"Hey," she said when Jane looked up. Dark brown eyes reflected fear and warmth and love and confusion and every other emotion eyes could possibly reflect. "Are you allright?"
"I'm fine," Jane said quietly and looked away, as if she suddenly realised that Maura could see everything she felt. "Really, I'm fine."
"You said that when that guy broke your nose," Maura said with a quirky smile. She had kept her distance until now but she began walking towards the fountain and sat down next to Jane. The stone felt cold against her body. She looked at Jane. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"Maura," Jane began and she sighed. She didn't know what to say. She swallowed. "Because I don't know what to say."
"Then at least tell me what you're thinking," Maura said softly. "I want to know."
"I don't know, Maura. I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just don't know, OK?" Jane said and made a helpless hand gesture. Suddenly there were tears. In her eyes, on her cheeks and falling down into her lap. Suddenly there was Maura's hand on hers. Like it had been there so many times before. "I want to talk to you but I just don't know what to say. I…I…"
"Can I speak?" Maura asked softly and Jane nodded.
"I don't know what happened, Jane," she began. Her voice was so soft that Jane had to strain herself to hear her. She looked down at Maura's hand resting on hers. "I don't know why I didn't let you help."
"Your emotions ruled your mind. It happens to the best of us," Jane said and it resulted in a quiet snort from Maura. "In fact, it happens to me all the time. It's why they call me Hurricane Jane, remember?"
Maura smiled weakly. "I blamed you and it wasn't fair. I know you did what you were trained to do. In that moment I saw you as my friend, not as the officer of the law you are. And you were an officer of the law, Jane. You did what your training taught you to do. And I took our friendship for granted. I took for granted that you were always there to protect me and I just assumed you'd always be there."
"I am," Jane interjected and brushed the last tears from her cheeks. The strong, hardened homicide detective mask returned and she carefully hid her emotions underneath again. Dark eyes had gone blank. Her voice was husk and raw. "But realising that my job and my personal life could interfere with each other was something that never… I never understood that before. And then suddenly it came together, all of it. Like one big explosion. In so many ways things came together that had never really come together before. Like a collision and then they all fell apart."
"It was Dean, wasn't it?" Maura asked and Jane nodded. "You told him about Doyle, didn't you?" Another quiet nod followed the first. When she looked at the smaller woman Jane was surprised to find Maura looking at her in understanding. "What did he tell you?"
"He promised me he wouldn't do anything. He said he was just going to be Gabriel about it." Jane suppressed the gagging reflex. "God, it even makes me sick just speaking his name. But he promised. And I reminded him of why things would never work between us. Because I would never be sure if I could trust him. I gave him one chance. One chance and he ruined everything."
"He followed you to the factory just like Doyle followed me," Maura logically concluded. "He saw Doyle and his cop instinct kicked in too."
"You're forgetting the part where he didn't have to shoot Doyle," Jane bit back. "He got what he…." She didn't finish that sentence when she realised how horrible it sounded. But it was how she felt. Dean had gotten what was coming to him because of what he did. It was the logical result of his actions. She swallowed hard. "I waited in the hospital. It was me the doctors came to when he died. I was the first one who knew. And I went to the funeral."
Maura felt guilty for having abandoned Jane, because that is how it felt. She had abandoned her. Jane had been left to deal with all the consequences on her own. She couldn't even begin to imagine Jane standing at a cemetery, holding her pride and relying on het strengths whilst knowing that most of the people around her had hated her. She knew Jane had made her own sacrifices throughout all of this. She just wasn't sure whether Jane understood she knew. "Your mother told me you went."
"You spoke to Ma?"
"Well it meant that at least someone was talking to me," Maura sighed and Jane was instantly reminded of her guilt for having ignored Maura. She knew, deep down, that she had just tried to move on but giving Maura the cold shoulder hadn't been the best move she ever made. "I know you spoke to my mother in Switzerland. What did she tell you?"
"The truth about her and Doyle and her reasons for not telling you," Jane said and the image of her and Constance in the hotel bar flooded back into her mind. "And by God Maura, she did it for you. All of it. She did it all for you. To make sure you were safe. To make sure you could have a normal life. Though I am not quite sure how normal your life really was but she made a huge sacrifice by making you believe she wasn't your mother. What parent wants to lie to their child? She protected you because she loves you."
"I just can't believe it," Maura sighed. "All those years of questioning and wondering and the never knowing. And then one day it turns out she was always there. Right in front of me. And I get it. I get that she did it for me but why didn't she tell me when Doyle first appeared? She knew what he was. She knew he was around. She could have told me when I found out that he was my father."
"Would it have changed anything about the anger and the resentment you feel?" Jane questioned and Maura frowned as she thought about that.
"No."
"Then perhaps you need to think about the reasons why she didn't tell you, Maura," Jane said softly and once again looked down at Maura's hand still lying on hers. It felt safe, warm and comfortable and yet she felt the urge to retreat, to pull away. To climb back into her shell and hide. "She did what she could to protect you. She made a sacrifice for you. Because she loves you. She and your father did something not many parents would have to do. For all their flaws, it is perhaps one of the best things they have ever done."
"Jane," Maura whispered softly and looked at the detective sideways. "What about us?"
Jane looked up. "Us?"
"What happened to us?"
Jane swallowed. "I don't know."
"The things I said." Maura began but Jane cut her off.
"No," the dark haired detective said. Her hand slipped away from under Maura's and she stood up. The sudden change in position left Maura unbalanced and she grabbed hold of the fountain edge as not to fall off. "You don't get to apologise to me. You don't get to sit there and tell me you're sorry." She spun around and dark eyes pierced into Maura's hazel green. The whirlwind of emotions had returned and they overwhelmed Jane once again. The tears were back again too. "You are never the one apologising because I am always the screw up. I always take my anger and frustration out on you. So no, you don't get to sit there and tell me you're sorry, Maura Isles. Because you have nothing to be sorry for!"
"You're wrong, Jane," Maura said. Her voice was sharper and clearer than it had been since coming outside. "We were both wrong. We both made mistakes and I will not have you stand there and tell me I did nothing wrong. It is what you do, Jane. You stand there and you protect me. From everything including myself. It is why you say I did nothing wrong because it means you get to be strong and brave and it makes you feel confident. I was wrong, Jane. And I am sorry. And I don't care if you don't want to hear it but I am sorry." She truly empathised those last words. "I'm sorry, Jane."
Jane didn't speak. She just stared at the medical examiner still sitting on the fountain edge. Maura looked fragile and for a second she was reminded of what she had seen in her eyes when she had first opened that door in Geneva. They were alone. They were alone in this and they were alone in their friendship. Only they could figure this one out. Together. They were alone in this but they were together.
Maura stood up and walked up to Jane. She took the dark haired woman's hands into her own and the taller woman looked at the medical examiner. "I have no illusions. Something broke between us."
"Things that are broken can be fixed, right?" Jane questioned. The insecurity in her voice was telling. "Right?"
"When you try hard enough then yes," Maura said. "I never had a friend, anyone, like you."
Jane was about to answer but she was cut off by a low rumbling sound over their heads. And as she and Maura looked up the heavens unexpectedly opened and the rain poured down on them. For a few seconds neither one of them moved and by the time they did they were drenched. They ran back to the front door, laughing as well as swearing, and staggered into the hall. Maura closed the door behind them, banning the rain to the outside world. They could hear it hammer down on the roof and slam against the windows.
Jane looked at Maura. Strands of hair stuck to her forehead and her clothes clung to her body. She looked amazingly beautiful, even with the mascara running down her cheeks. A dark pink blush spread across her cheeks. "Well that was…" She smirked. "Refreshing."
Maura's eyes met Jane's and a smile spread across her face too. "Yes, Jane. Yes it was."
Angela poked her head around and saw the two women standing by the door, both soaking wet. Her eyes widened as she watched the pool of water around their feet grow bigger. "Argh! What happened?"
Jane grinned. "Long story."