Three Little Words

Chapter 14

Molly stood alone in front of the grave stone. Another year and here she was again.

"I'm sorry mate. It's just me today. I fucked up big time...again. Bet

you're kind of used to it by now. Sorry"

Molly stood at Smurf's grave side. Candy had just left, disappointed. This year it was only Molly who turned up for Smurf's anniversary. The first time ever they weren't there as a group. The rest of the original members of 2 section were scattered across the world. Some on tour, some on holidays, and some, like Kinders, just staying away, because of her. Candy heard all the section's excuses, but knew it was all Molly's doing, and was hurt that Smurf was suffering because of it. Even Brains didn't come with Molly this year. They hardly saw one another now. He almost lived at Jess' house full time. More convenient he said, Molly hoped that it was true, and it was for his love of Jess that caused her lodger to be missing from their home, and not because he was still disappointed in her.

Charles she hadn't seen for weeks. He never returned back to work. As she wasn't in his department, and there was very little gossip about him, she never knew the reason for his absence. But Molly in her heart knew, or at least feared. He was staying away because of her, because of what she had done to him. Even Ruth, and Sam weren't that forth coming, and strangely illusive on the subject. Closed themselves off to communicating with her. Oh yes Molly was certain…..they knew too. Molly Dawes, in their eyes, had played a cruel trick on fragile Charles. She had gotten her own back, her revenge at last on Charles. She didn't push them for information …..fearful of what they might tell her. Last time she saw him he was breaking apart again, because of her, her fault, and she didn't know what to do. It was strange to think that it was just a year since he first returned back into her life. A life that she thought she was doing quite well at. But how things had changed in that year! Her feelings were so completely different, from then. She loved him. She wanted them to be something, but he couldn't give her that. He wouldn't let himself be loved.

So here she was one year later, talking to Smurf and still nursing a broken heart over Charles. Poor Smurf, she poured her heart out to him. Spending more time with him this year than others. Hoping that the more she talked the more things would become clearer for her, and she'd have answers. Life was ironic she thought. If this was a Molly and Charles story being made into a film, it would be at this moment, when she was at her lowest, at Smurf's grave, that he would appear by her side. Walking out through the cemetery, purposely towards her. Stopping, looking into her green eyes. Declaring his love for her, for their future together. But this was no Sunday night drama Molly was in, this was her real messed up life. Those day dreams did not come true, sadly.

"Thank God I've still got you mate. Wish you hadn't bleeding died on me though. It would have been nice to have a cuddle from you about now." She sobbed to Smurf. Really truly missing her old mate more than ever before.

Candy had been upset that the rest of 2 section hadn't turned up, and it was only to save hurting more her that Molly told all the little white lies about why they couldn't make it. Molly didn't not want to admit her catastrophic mistake that broke up the friendship group. That was too hard. So Molly lied and turned up to see Smurf alone.

"I think that this might be the last time I come to see you mate. I think we all need to move on. My life and everything in it ain't going too well. I think I need to stop remembering the past so much and start working on new things." Molly would never forget Smurf though. She turned to walk away, planting a kiss on the headstone.

"Take care you Welsh wanker." Were her parting words.

Sitting with Smurf had given Molly time to think. She had hoped that Charles might have turned up today, or even sent her a text. But he didn't. They once before had gone their separate ways in total silence, and if this was the end again, Molly did not want it to be like before. She needed to know he was Ok. She needed to speak to him. She guessed she needed to see him one more time. Just once more so she could memorise all the details of her Charles. So she could have those memories in her heart forever.

Molly knew what she had to do. She knocked on the heavy door of Charles' parent's house. If anyone could help, tell her where Charles was, it would be these guys. She couldn't risk Charles torturing himself over her, and she needed him to see that. She needed him to know she wasn't out for revenge. She didn't plan it. It happened and she was sorry for that. She knew he was hurt. All she cared about was him. Him being well. Him being happy. Whatever that meant for her and her heart.

"Good Lord. Didn't expect to see you. Why didn't you call?" Peter opened the door. As the initial shock wore off, his delight at seeing Molly was genuine. " Come in, come in. Ruth…..er….well…yes…just come in."

Molly sat comfortably in Ruth and Peter's familiar kitchen drinking her cup of tea. It touched her that they still, after all these years, kept her brand of tea bags in for her occasional visits. She loved this house. Loved it because ultimately it was the home where so many of the people she loved lived, or had lived. She was always welcome here, before during, and after her and Charles went wrong. She wondered now though if she would continue to be once they found out what she had done.

"So Molly? To what do we owe this pleasure?" Ruth's voice came in through the back kitchen door. She'd obviously been shopping, loaded with bags.

"Here let me help." Molly jumped up from her seat, curious as there was tone in Ruth's voice that there never had been before. Oh yes Molly thought Ruth knows!

"I came to talk about Charles. Last time I saw him he didn't seem in a good place. I haven't heard from him for a while. He's not at work. Not answering my texts. "

"You should just have phoned." Said Ruth, avoiding all eye contact with Molly. She never had hated Molly, at any time over the years. Never blamed her for what had happened to Charles. In fact just had a huge amount of love and gratitude for what she had tried to do over the years for Charles. But just now, because of recent events Ruth was finding it hard to look her in the eyes. She was fearful that Molly would see that there was a just a bit of resentment there, a little bit of disgust at what she had done, and how it had hurt Charles. In all honesty Ruth just didn't know how to feel about it all.

Charles had come straight to them after that day Molly left his house, and Ruth knew then her boy was again in danger of falling apart. Since then both her and Peter had spent many a long hour helping Charles to gather his strength again, and plan his future. Molly turning up, in Ruth's eyes could cause all their good work to be of no avail.

"Oh. Yes. I guess I should have." Molly said taken back. She always was made to feel so welcome in this house. Now she was not so sure. "It's just I was visiting Smurf. He helped clear my head. I thought…I don't know I guess I just wanted to talk to you about Charles and that, and see how he was."

Peter spoke first. He could see how difficult Ruth was finding it in keeping her emotions under control.

"He's a bit fragile dear. But he knows that. Appreciates it and is sorting his stuff out. We'll look after him. Don't worry."

The dismissive way Peter spoke and the attitude of Ruth Molly realised something was wrong. It also angered her a bit. She felt as though they were judging her.

"What's going on? Where's Charles. Is he ok?" her eyes filled with tears, worried about their answer. Trying to swallow down the infamous Molly Dawes' anger that was building up in side of her about the injustice of it all. She loved Charles; he was the one who didn't want to love her.

"I'm fine." A voice behind her said.

She turned around to see Charles. Very smartly dress in a suit, looking well. Relaxed, calm. Better than he had looked for such a long time. It hurt. This is what he looks like without the "Molly type stress" in his world.

"Charles." She almost shouted in surprise. "Hello. You Ok?..."

"I am actually Molly. I am. Thanks. Just needed to get my head sorted, but I am. I'm good." He said, and she knew he was being honest.

He looked stronger. More settled, and then she knew, he had worked it out…..his life was just better without her. It was something he had tried to do all those years ago, but guilt consumed him. Now because of Molly's one night with Kinders, he no longer had that guilt. He was finally able, finally free from his guilt, to let Molly go.

"Charles? What going on?" It was a question she did not want to ask, but knew she would never get any peace until she did, until he answered her.

He smiled and suggested, with a nod of the head, that they talk and then went into sitting room. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, before he spoke; because she knew when he did it was going to break her heart.

"Charles. I'm sorry. Kinders…. I need to explain to you. I was gonna too…." But he stopped her there.

"Molly. I'm resigning my Commission. I'm leaving the Army….. I'm going back to Canada."

Of all the things she thought he would say, these were not the ones she thought she would hear.

"You're leaving? You're running away again. You're running away from us. Again" She started to cry. "How many times Charles? How many times are you going to do this…run?"

In years gone by he would have reached over and gently brushed the tears away from her face with his thumb, cradling her head. Now he just stood there, making no attempt of comfort. If he had moved, touched her he knew his resolve would break. Just like his heart was breaking watching his Molly cry in front of him. He honestly thought this was for the best. Them being together was too much of a risk to take with their fragile hearts.

"There is no us. There never will be. We're broken. Destined to hurt one another each and every time and every possible way we can. I've tried. I can't do it Molly. I have to leave, because leaving you is the only positive thing I can do to save us both from destruction."

Molly couldn't believe it. He said what he had to say, turned and apologised as he was meeting someone. She shouted out to him before he got to the door.

Three little words.

"I love you."

He turned and said; "It's too late Molly." Unsure though, on hearing those words come from her heart, he started to feel the little grains of doubt trickle into his mind.

"Please Charles. I never got the chance last time you left. Please let me in and show you how much I love you. Give us a chance. Give yourself a chance."

"I leave at the end of the month." He said before it was too late, before he relented. "Take care Molly." Then suddenly as an after thought, but with a steely determination to his eyes he coldly said;

"It was you Molly, always you. There never will be anyone but you."

Locking his eyes on her he said with a firmer voice he could muster.

"Bye Molly."

Then he went out the front door of his parents' house and he was gone.

That was the last time Molly saw Charles. He never retuned back to camp, to his work, or to her. He still was in the Army, resignation details all were being sorted out during his final posting in the British Army. Charles had arrived and settled into his Canadian role as though he had never been away. The consummate professional. His department in the UK continued on without him, a replacement found within weeks. The only evidence that Charles had ever been on camp was the heart broken lady he, yet again, left behind. This time not due betrayal, but due to a misguided sense of preservation for both him and Molly.