Escape from The Palace - Book II

by M.F.K.Fisher

Go Ha Jin wakes up in 2016 and finds life harder here than in Goryeo

14. Hope Is a Double Edged Sword

Chapter 14 - Hope is a Double Edge Sword

"What are you so happy about?"

My mother glanced at me while I smiled into my stack of new chemical reports on our latest serum for Patpat. The reports were bleak, none of the formulation were working correctly, but I was smiling at them like they were a basket of puppies.

"I'm just looking forward to something, that's all."

"This is the first time I've seen you smile like that in months." She patted my head and set down a cup of tea next to me. "I can't say that I wanted you to end your engagement with Han Kyul, but I'm glad you stopped yourself when you realized you couldn't meet him."

I reached out and kept her hand on my head.

"Oma, I didn't know how you would react. I knew you really liked Han Kyul."

"He seemed like such a good match for you, Ha Jin. He was the best doctor I could have hoped to treat you. And I'd hadn't seen anyone so caring before." She sighed. "I guess I was wrong. His family was too different even though I really felt like I knew and trusted him."

I glanced up at my mother.

"There is something I want to tell you Oma. But I'm not sure how to do it."

"What is it, Ha Jin-ah?"

"I reconnected with an old love."

"Cha Young Bin?"

"Oh god no. Never again." I took a sip of my tea and steeled myself. I wasn't sure exactly how much I could reveal about my time in Goryeo without sending my mother into a tailspin of worry. She knew all of my past relationships since I lived at home. There could only a few plausible routes that I would have met someone that she didn't know I was seeing.

"I met someone years ago when I was in college."

"And we never met him?"

"No. We were only friends then. He was in the army and I was going to school. We only saw each other when he was on leave." I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. I am so bad at lying.

I heard a creak on the staircase behind us.

"Nam Gil!" My mother suddenly cried out. "What happened to you?'

My little brother slowly backed down the staircase to face the two of us. His hair looked like a group of pigeons squatted overnight, he had a black eye, and his knees were bleeding.

I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the hydrogen peroxide and bandages. Oma took Nam Gil's hand and sat him down on the couch next to her. The wound wasn't deep, but Nam Gil had managed to remove a good acreage of skin.

I soaked the cotton pads in hydrogen peroxide and I pressed it against his knees. Nam Gil winced and I watched the white cotton turn pink.

"Did you fight Nam Gil?" I searched his face. His eyes were downcast and he nodded slowly.

"You are grounded from your phone and TV for a month." My mother's tone was clipped.

It wasn't the first time Nam Gil fought at school. I sighed. I was worried about Nam Gil. Ever since he transferred to his new private school, he had not been doing well. I warned Oma that this might happen, to take Nam Gil from his group of friends that he had known since kindergarten. But Oma and Appa were insistent. They had the opportunity to give Nam Gil a better education ever since I helped them pay off the house and they had a little wiggle room financially. The school in my neighborhood didn't have a great reputation, it was consistently ranked on the bottom in the city. But at the same time, it was the only school my brother knew. My brother was always quiet as a child and didn't make friends easily. For a long time, I was the only one who could get him to come out of his shell. I knew that when I went to Goryeo and entered my coma, that the damage of seeing me comatose for a year was something that deeply upset Nam Gil. Even to this day, I saw Nam Gil peering at me with concern that was way too serious for someone his age.

"Who did you fight with, Nam Gil?" I bandaged up his knees and lifted his chin with my hands.

"No one."

"So, no one gave you this shiner?" I ruffled his hair.

"Do I have to go back to school?"

"Nam Gil! Do you know how much your mother and father have to work to send you there?" My mother tried to keep the anger out of her voice.

This school was hard on both of them. I didn't know who had it worse, my little brother who was probably getting beaten up by rich bully cliques or my Mom, who was under the impression the only way Nam Gil would be able to succeed was to tough through everything. The truth was probably somewhere in between.

"Do you know why he picks on you, Nam Gil?"

"He says that my family is poor and I'm only here on scholarship money."

I frowned. "The only way to talk to a bully is to understand them. Don't shy away from him, Nam Gil. Do you have anything in common?"

"No. He's the son of a chaebol. I'm no one."

I squeezed him to my chest. "You're not no one. You are precious to me and Oma. Don't ever say that again." Nam Gil finally started crying. I felt terrible. There wasn't a way for me to really protect my little brother from life. I supposed it was all a part of growing up, but I hated this helplessness.

"Ha Jin," Nam Gil hiccuped. "Who is Joon-Ki? I hear you talking to him in the morning before anyone else is awake."

My mother looked to me for answers. I suppose now was a better time as any.

"Oma." I tucked my hair behind my ears. "Han Joon Ki is a precious person to me."

"Seung Wong's brother?"

I nodded. Seung Won and Nam Gil had become fast friends in the last few months since we started hanging out more often. He enjoyed hanging out with my family and eating my Mom's home cooking. He made all kinds of excuses to come over to the house. Sometimes, I would come home late from work, we'd share a ride in a taxi and instead of going back to his tiny hovel in same neighborhood, Seung Won opted to get a hot meal and some playstation time with Nam Gil. Seung Won was like a bigger version of Nam Gil and seeing them together made me happy. My mother seemed to like Seung Won's political ambitions. She was also a radical in her days in college too. They spent hours talking about his job at the CCEJ.

"He's a Corporal in the Korean army and he's serving a tour of duty in Somalia right now."

"And who is he to you?"

I bit my lip nervously. There were so many things hard to explain about Joon Ki. I couldn't believe that I was head over heels in love with Han Joon Ki, again. I mean, I guess I had an inkling that it would happen, but I didn't trust myself yet. I was getting up at an ungodly hour to get my precious sixty minutes of Joon Ki time every day. Truth be told, sometimes I couldn't sleep at night because I was overflowing with things I wanted to say to him.

"He's my boyfriend."

Nam Gil and my mother both gasped.

"What?!"

"Oma. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense right now. But I want to introduce you to him as soon as he gets back from Somalia. And I want you to understand why he's special to me. And I know I should have said something sooner, but he said he was coming back to Korea with an early discharge yesterday."

"That's why you were making that care package."

I had basically bought out the entire section of the grocery store snack collection. I fretted in front of the aisle for almost an entire hour before I just gave up and just swept my arm along the aisle and dumped everything into my cart. The cashier gave me a dirty look when I rolled up to her lane. I told her it was for my boyfriend in the Army and she softened and gave me her employee discount. Gomusins had to stick together.

"And you're singing a lot, Noona."

I was in love.

I was so happy it was almost stupid. It was so strange, from the moment I picked up my phone to call Joon Ki all those months ago, I knew that I was changing the course of my life. I waited until I was sure of myself; I knew that if I gave myself to Joon Ki, there would be no holding back. The way I loved Wang So; I loved him so much that I was willing change everything that was important to myself in order to be with him. And it had backfired, so badly that I ended up alone in another man's arms when I died.

This time, I was cautious. I wanted it to be real, feasible, maybe even practical. I wanted to be the architect of our future. I didn't want Joon Ki to doubt my feelings, to think that I was using him as a rebound for my broken engagement to Han Kyul. I wanted to be as steadfast as he was.

Weirdly enough, I felt more gratitude towards Han Kyul than ever. I considered calling him a few times to tell him how much I appreciated all that he had done for me as a doctor, a friend, and a my fiancee. More than anyone else, Han Kyul helped me to understand my feelings about the past. Even though he didn't believe in my memories, he did make me confront my emotions. I didn't hide anymore. I wanted to face things as they were. And that was the most important thing that Han Kyul taught me. Of course, it was also this strength that allowed me to leave Han Kyul when I foresaw how we were so dearly wrong for each other; that we had not confronted the truth about Han Kyul and Ha Jin. I was sad that our love didn't survive. Maybe in a different life, with a different family, Han Kyul and I could have had a chance.

"I love him, Oma."

"How did this happen without you telling anyone? Even with Han Kyul, all of us knew before you did."

"We've known each other for a long time, Oma. He knows me better than anyone. We're just-" I stammered.

There was no way to explain it the way it happened. My mother wasn't going to understand that Han Joon Ki was my lover and father of my child from a thousand years ago. That he had waited for hundreds of lifetimes to find me. It was an unfathomable kind of mental challenge. Only Han Joon Ki understood being ripped out of time. Only Han Joon Ki knew what it mean to reach across the centuries for me. Once I caught him, I would never be able to let go. I loved him in a wholly different way than I loved Wang So, who was another name I couldn't mention to my mother. I groaned, trying to translate my time-traveling relationship into regular people speak for my mother.

"We're in a long distance relationship. And I think it made us stronger, Oma. Because he isn't in Korea, I have to commit to him every day. And I'm so happy to do it. I'm so happy to belong to him, Oma."

She shook her head in disbelief.

"You wanted this? You said that you couldn't be with Han Kyul because he wasn't going to live in Korea, but now you're an army girlfriend? You're not making any sense, Ha Jin."

"He's coming back, Oma. He promised he would come back."

"I just don't want you to make the same mistake again." My mother frowned at me.

"I'm not! I've been honest with Joon Ki from the start. I told him that I wanted to be with someone who will wants to raise a family in Korea. He wants that too."

"Ha Jin, this is too fast." My mother took my hand. "It hasn't been a year since you ended things with Han Kyul. People need time to heal. Sometimes when things go too quick too fast, things tend to blow up."

I shook my head. "I don't have the time to waste, Oma. Joon Ki is the one. We want the same things. Han Kyul lied to me about what he wanted. But with Joon Ki, we're the same. And he's Seung Won's brother, so you know that he's a good man."

She looked mystified. "I always thought that Seung Won had a crush on you."

"What?"

"What other young man would come over to a young woman's house to hang out with her nine year old brother? It's very obvious."

I laughed. "No, Oma. Seung Won's been playing matchmaker between me and Joon Ki for months. He's the one who gave me Joon Ki's army phone number."

"You're happy?"

"Yes. More than I thought possible."

"Well, if you're this happy when this Joon Ki isn't in the country, I want to see what this boy can do for you when he is here."

"Oma! I could die. How can you say such a thing! I'm going back to my room to read reports." I ran upstairs before my mother could say anymore. I shuddered, I did not fancy talking about my love life with my mother.

That evening, I was still nose deep in my work. I had plans later to see a movie with Kim So Eun, but I might have to cancel on her if I made headway into this new serum problem. I thought that the issue might be that the pH was too low in the product and that's why all the test results came back inconclusive. I heard my stomach rumbling. This always happened when I was too involved in my work; I always forgot to eat. I looked through the spicy ricecake restaurants near me on my phone, I didn't want to bother my mom with making me food if I could just slip out and grab a quick bite to eat.

I heard the doorbell and sat up.

"Ha Jin!" My mother called out to me. "Seung Won is here to see you."

I dropped my work and immediately ran downstairs. Maybe Joon Ki was home already? My heart jumped into my throat. I could imagine him already, grinning at the bottom of my staircase, teasing me that I sounded like a miniature horses running down the staircase. Would he still be in uniform? He had sent me a few pictures of himself in uniform and I found myself catching my breath; he was so beautiful. I wanted to touch him so badly. I dreamt about it. I told him once that I woke up with a memory of us making love, my face flaming, and my thighs clenching. He scoffed and said, "Welcome to the last ten years of my life."

Han Joon Ki. I missed you.

I missed every part of you. I missed your smile and your voice. The touch of your skin, hot against mine. The roughness of your beard after hours of not shaving, how it would scrape against the skin on my neck, making me raw. I still remembered the way you smelled, the mixture of metals and leather, the tang of it, the salt of your skin. I could breathe in the scent of your hair, how I wanted to tangle my fingers into the thick strands. Our conversations started in grey dawn and went until the sun broke the morning. I want you so much, Joon Ki. Sometimes, just hearing you saying my name would send me in a paroxysm of ecstasy. You said it so well, the aspirated H in the Ha part of my name. I could hear the tip of your tongue, pressing against the roof of your mouth, patting down the J sound, stroking the consonants. I woke up with in my bed with your voice saying my name, my hands buried in my underwear.

I clung to your voice. I remembered the first time we kissed in your kitchen how I was miserable that I was engaged to another man, but elated that you finally kissed me after waiting for me for a thousand years. I'd be a heartless, stupid wench not to be moved by such a thing. Of course I still love you. You knew that I would never stop loving you, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to throw myself at you. I don't care what was appropriate. I missed you so much.

All of my thoughts ran into a jumble. I was trying to keep myself from tripping when I landed at the bottom step. I saw the top of Seung Won's head because he was bowing and staring at the floor. What happened? I froze on the stairs.

"Seung Won?"

"Ha Jin." He finally lifted his head to look at me, his eyes were bloodshot. "Joon Ki's plane disappeared."

"What?"

"They lost communication with the tower about fifteen minutes after taking off from a private airport."

No. No. No. I felt lightheaded. He promised. Joon Ki promised me.

Wait for me. I'll be back.

He said those words to me. He couldn't go back on his words. Joon Ki wouldn't. My knees buckled and I dropped like a sack of stones onto the staircase, landing on the last step.

I looked up at Seung Won and he was trembling too. My chest burned. The space behind my eyes burned. I will not cry. Crying would make this a tragedy. Joon Ki could still be alive.

My mother grabbed Seung Won's arm and led him to the couch. I wanted to follow her, but I couldn't. I was still clinging to the bottom of the banister, carving my nails into the wood. I felt like an Egyptian statue, my feet carved into one stone. Sharp pain shot up my arms and I realized that I was gripping the wood of the banister so tightly that my hands lost circulation.

My mother hugged him tightly and patted him on the back while Nam Gil went and fetched tea. I couldn't hear what they were saying. My eyes were dry and I blinked painfully.

"Ha Jin?" Nam Gil was tugging at me. I saw his mouth open and shut without any noise coming out. I furrowed my brow. Why couldn't I hear?

"Noona?"

I could only see one thing at a time. In his hands was a hot cup of tea. His eyes were so big, wide with concern. I saw myself reflected in his dark irises, a single woman whose face looked as twisted as she felt. I closed my eyes and I could only hear Joon Ki's voice.

Wait for me. I'll be back.

I shook my head. I will not accept this.

I took the tea, gulping the entire thing in one draught, welcoming the burning in my body. I scalded my mouth, the cells on my tongue turning white, the inside of my cheeks sloughing off, my throat aching with pain.

"Seung Won." I got up finally and walked to the touch where he was sitting.

"Han Joon Ki is not dead." I tapped the chest bone over my heart. "I would know if he was."

I shivered when I said the words. I knew it was illogical and I knew it didn't make sense, but I also felt it to be true. Seung Won only nodded. He knew what I meant.

"My father is in Somalia right now. They're doing search and rescue."

"Joon Ki would not abandon us." My voice was firm, hard. I wanted to be the authority on this. After all, I knew Han Joon Ki better than anyone in his life. I had known every version of him. And I believed in him. Wang So said that he would find me after a thousand years and he did. It would take more than a hijacked plane to stop Joon Ki.

"What if he can't help it?" Seung Won's voice wavered. I saw on his face the uncertainty of losing a beloved brother. I hugged him tightly. He hooked his chin over my shoulder.

"What if he's killed? What if the plane crashed? What if-. Ha Jin, you don't understand. Every since I was little, Joon Ki has watched over me. I don't know who I am without him."

"I know, Seung Won." I pulled back and peered at him. "Joon Ki is the smartest, strongest, and most resilient person I've ever known. He's going to come back. We just have to believe in him, okay, Seung Won?"

My mother returned from upstairs and she wrapped the both of us in thick blankets. I gripped the wool around my shoulders and I saw Seung Won closing his eyes against the corner of the couch. There had to be something I could do. I wished I were a superhero. I wished I were Wonder Woman, a god-like entity who could save my Joon Ki. But I had no powers. I was just a regular girl.

It was almost four A.M. before I decided to go to my bed. Seung Won was long asleep on the couch and my mother and Nam Gil had already gone to bed. I went to my room and I found the hairpin that Joon Ki gave me before he left for Somalia. I touched each jewel, the garnets, the emeralds, the carved peony.

"Pabo, why didn't you take this with you." I gripped his good luck charm. I would never let go.

The pain inside me felt like I was stirring up broken glass into my lungs. I had made a mistake. I was wrong. The time on this earth was fleeting and who was I to think that I had all the time in the world to understand my feelings about Joon Ki. I should have been selfish. I should have dropped Han Kyul as soon as Joon Ki surfaced in my life. Joon Ki was the miracle and I was trying to be practical. This was all my fault. Joon Ki wouldn't be in Somalia right now if I didn't tell him to have a nice life that I was marrying Han Kyul. I should have grabbed as much happiness as I could. The hairpin dug into my palm, making a fleshy indentation.

I was too late. I was too late to realized that of course I loved Joon Ki. This is so much worse than when I left Wang So in the palace. At least then, when I chose to leave him, I had a very good reason. This time, I chose wrong. I sobbed into my hands. I chose wrong. I clutched my pillow and I tried to fill my mouth with the soft cotton batting. I wanted to scream.

The next morning, when I woke up, I realized that this terrible nightmare was still my reality. Joon Ki was still missing. I padded downstairs and saw Seung Won rubbing his eyes, waking up into the same nightmare we were sharing. We wanted Joon Ki to be alive. I met his eyes; we were both heart-broken.

When I sat down at breakfast, my mother made seafood pancakes and laid the crispy pile in front of Seung Won. I didn't want to eat. I lifted the black coffee to my lips and the bitter brew tasted like nothing. My mind was restless.

"Seung Won. Can we go to Africa? Can we find Han Joon Ki on our own?"

Seung Won shook his head.

"It's pointless for us to go to Somalia, Ha Jin." He stirred his oatmeal. "We don't know the language, we don't know the people. And Joon Ki will kill me if anything happened to you there. The best thing for us to do, I just talked to my father, is to wait for news."

I gripped my coffee mug.

"To be so useless, Seung Won? How can you stand it!"

"Listen to me, Ha Jin. General Han is the best equipped person to handle this situation." Seung Won pushed his breakfast food around. "Ha Jin. Why do you think Joon Ki is alive? You know the odds of surviving a plane crash are low."

"Because if he was dead, I would feel it in every part of my body." I murmured. I didn't trust my brain anymore. I only trusted my heart. And my heart was telling me that Joon Ki was still alive.

Seung Won nodded, half-believing me. I suppose I could only do so much for him.

My life turned into an endless round of surveillance. While I worked, Seung Won kept me abreast of the news from his father's side. I started learning military terms, because I needed to understand the shorthand terms that Seung Won would relay back to me. I saw a different side of Seung Won; he was truly the son of a general. He navigated through all the different ranks in the military smoothly. He knew how to ply different people with favors, or play up his father's station if he needed extra information. I felt useless in this world. I knew nothing about the military. I had to hastily learn the ranks. I knew that General Han had launched a search operation in the Gulf of Aden. There were boats trawling for the wreckage of the plane that Joon Ki was in. Every day, when the ships came back with no evidence of the plane wreckage, I could breathe again.

When the first month passed, I remember my hope shrinking down to a tiny pinpoint. Despair was the wolf at the door, furious scratching, trying to break through my defenses. I only let despair in late at night, when there was no one else could see me. During the day, I looked normal. I hired private detectives in Somalia. I hired a new search and rescue crew that would work closer to the site of the proposed crash. I listened to the CB radio transmission, listening for Joon Ki's call sign, Khazri. Khazri, please come back to me.

When Hwa-Shin, Joon Ki's second in command finally came back to Korea, I immediately hounded him. He didn't want to talk to me. I thought he might have been too torn up about the situation with Joon Ki too. I bribed him with a date with Kim So-Eun, even though I knew she had no interest in army men. But she agreed to go out on a date with him.

I followed them from theater to desert cafe and when I saw So-Eun give the signal, I showed up.

"Damnit, you again!"

"Hwa-Shin. Listen to me. I need to know as much about this mission as possible. I don't care if General Han threatens to discharge you dishonorably. I have a great deal of money and I can reward you."

So-Eun didn't look at me. She took tiny bites of her cheesecake and she left her hand linger on Hwa Shin's arm until he finally cracked.

"You can't tell anyone this information. I will be charged and tried in military court." He took in a deep breath.

"Corporal Han was flying to a peace conference with Al-Shabaab. He had been working on a resolution to curb trafficking of medical supplies. They didn't like him. He was always a thorn in their side."

I nodded.

"You have to understand that Somalia is a complicated place. It wasn't just that Joon Ki had enemies, it was that he was going to get in the way of Al-Shabaab making money. And if anyone comes between a militant group and their money, they're-." Hwa-Shin fell silent. He didn't look at me anymore.

"Say it."

"They tend to not live anymore."

"What about his translator? The one you mentioned from earlier. Asad? What about him? Could he have betrayed Joon Ki?"

"I don't think you can trust anyone, Miss Go."

"Do you think he's still alive, Hwa-Shin?"

"They still haven't found the plane right?"

I nodded and tilted my head at Kim So Eun. She blotted her mouth and took her hand off Hwa Shin. We split a cab together back home.

"Thank you, So-Eun. I hope he wasn't a huge asshole."

She shrugged.

"Sajangnim. Do you want me to cancel the the marketing push for tomorrow?"

"I need more time, So-Eun." I glanced at the speeding city scape.

In the third month of Joon Ki's disappearance, Seung Won came to my office. He brought a package of kimbap and we split the three rolls between us while I debriefed him on all the different private detectives I was working with.

"They've been through the four acres northwest of the airport a dozen times already. What if we swept the southwestern quadrant?" I pointed at the map to Seung Won.

"Noona." He said quietly. "You need to take care of yourself. You've lost so much weight."

"How can I be losing weight when I'm eating three kimbaps at a time?" I waved him off. I wanted him to get back to the task at hand. Seung Won's eyes were soft and suddenly he leaned forward.

"How does it work, Ha Jin?" He quirked an eyebrow at me. "Joon Ki said that he remembered you from a past life, but what does that mean?"

I grabbed a blanket from my couch in the office, I was shivering again.

"It's not something I can explain easily." I hesitated. I wondered if I should give Seung Won the full family history of the Wangs in Goryeo. Was there anyway to avoid pain for Seung Won?

"Can you try?"

I looked at Seung Won, I suppose just like me, he needed answers about Joon Ki.

"Your brother loved me very much in the 10th century." I hesitated at the beginning of the story. It was so hard to talk about us. "When I was first transported in time, I was drowning in this world. I arrived in Goryeo, at the palace where you and your brothers were all living."

"Wait, I was there too?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't I remember?"

"I'm not sure, Seung Won." I shook my head. "You and Joon Ki were both princes, born from Queen Yoo and King Taejo. Wang So, that was Joon Ki's name at the time, saved me from falling into a river. And we were very young in Goryeo. He had been exiled for a long time, to serve as a collateral to the Kangs. When he came back Songak, he wanted to be a prince again, and when he met me, of course, I had no clue what I was doing back in time. And you know Joon Ki, Seung Won. Once he set his mind to something, nothing would stop him. He fell in love with me, maybe because I was so different. I loved him so much. But Seung Won, you don't understand how deadly life in the palace could be. When Wang So became the king known as Gwangjong, every single person around us wanted more power, so they were willing to anything to take it. He had to marry the princess Yeon Hwa."

"Wait, my brother married another woman instead of you?"

"He married two other women instead of me."

"And you still loved him?"

"They weren't marriages for love, Seung Won. They were marriages for power."

"I could never imagine Joon Ki doing anything like that now."

"You were mad, Seung Won." I smiled wryly at him. "You were mad that I became the King's woman and he had already married two other women. You promised to take me out of the palace."

"I did?"

"Yes. You did. You had an older king's declaration to marry me and you saved me."

"I married you instead of Joon Ki? Did he hate me?"

"I don't know, Seung Won." I looked at Seung Won's gentle face. "You were my hero at the end of my life, Seung Won. You were so brave. You took care of me, kept my daughter out of the palace. You held me as I died."

"Jesus." He shook his head. "How did it all turn out so badly? And did you say you had a daughter?"

"Yes, it was the king's baby." I winced when I remembered Byeol's perfect face.

"I wished I remembered some of this."

"I talked with Joon Ki a long time about this, Seung Won. And we decided that we would not tell you unless you asked."

"Ah, Hyung. He always wants to keep me from pain."

I felt the corner of my mouth wobble. I couldn't keep it together anymore. Not in the face of what I knew I was losing. There was a real chance that Joon Ki would never come back. That the last time I talked to him was over the phone when he promised that he would be back. I reached into my pocket and squeezed the hairpin that I kept with me. Suddenly, I could not stop crying. The three months of pent up frustration and pain all came rushing out like a vicious monsoon. I felt like nature. My fury, my sorrow, my anger, it was unstoppable. Joon Ki. My love. You cannot be gone.

In the beginning of the fourth month without news about Joon Ki, I felt myself grow numb with the world. I decided to take a sabbatical from work. All of my products were miraculously making it to market and I didn't feel like working anymore. My eyes felt hollow and dry. The woman in the mirror didn't look like me anymore. All I saw was Hae Su at the end of her life, willing it to be over, wanting to forget.

I took long walks around Seoul by myself, at all hours of the night. I was so restless and I couldn't sleep. Every time I met my dream, it was Joon Ki, and when I woke up, I would feel acute chest pain like I was having heart attack. I'd rather stay awake and walking. I got to know all the different neighborhoods. I walked with my hoodie tucked around my face, my hairpin cutting into my palm, and my feet like lead.

I couldn't stop reviewing the phone messages between me and Joon Ki, the glowing electronic trail of jokes, declarations of love, selcas, and pictures that tried to convey what we were to each other. I couldn't sleep. I sat at a convenience store, slurping down ramen, and numbly watching the news. When the news segment changed, the news anchor on KBS started talking about the Gulf of Aden. I dropped my chopsticks and stopped eating.

Could it be? Why would KBS be broadcasting about Somalia unless it were about Joon Ki? Was there war in Somalia? What if Joon Ki were still alive and caught behind enemy lines. I gripped the sticky table and tried to focus my eyes.

"Rescue at sea! The fisherman was at sea for nearly 10 days before a small pleasure boat picked him up after spotting his signal. The fisherman used a series of mirrors and iPhone screens to produce a signal. Quite simply, the coast guards are describing this as a miracle."

It wasn't him. My shoulders slumped and I pushed the ramen into the trashcan near by. I got up and started walking home. It started drizzling. The cold rain soaked my hair, collecting around my eyelashes, running down the back of my shirt. I shivered, but I didn't feel cold. I blinked, the rain mixing with my tears.

I felt my phone buzz in hands. It was nearly three o'clock in the morning. I tried to see through my cloudy vision and I could make out a text message from an unknown number.

It was a girl with long hair and a pin. A hairpin.

The ringing began in my ears and spread throughout through every part of my head. I gripped the phone so hard I thought I would crack the screen. My legs began moving before I even knew what was going on. I ran, sprinting through the shallow puddles at street level making miniature rivers that I splashed through like I was running away from a murderer. I was blinded for a second by a brilliant white flash and a huge clap of thunder a split second behind. I was in the middle of a thunderstorm, but I had never been more ecstatic. Lightning be damned, the heavens weren't going to strike me down before I could see Joon Ki.

Joon Ki. You are alive. You are alive. You came back to me.

I could hear the squeaking of my running shoes, waterlogged and heavy, hitting the pavement. The neighborhood was completely empty, the only sound on the street was me gasping through the final reserves of my aching lungs. I finally got to Seung Won's apartment and banged on the door with my fist. He came out, sleepy and disoriented. I grabbed him by the shoulders, I couldn't talk. Seung Won peered at me as I tried to make words with my useless mouth.

"Noona come in! You're going to get electrocuted if you stay out here."

I could barely see him, the rain was so heavy and washed over my face, choking me with water. I finally took a breath and out spilled my news.

"Joon Ki! He's alive. I know he's alive!"

"What?!"

I showed him the text message and he frowned at me. "Noona, what does this mean?"

"It's our sign for each other." I nodded and felt like my face was going to crack from smiling. "He's alive!"

Seung Won grabbed his phone to look.

"I have three missed calls from my father."

I only heard scraps of his conversation with General Han, but I didn't need to. Joon Ki was alive. Seung Won grabbed his jacket and we got into a cab. As the cab sped through the early morning, I felt like I was floating on a golden cloud. The radio crackled on the front seat, and I could hear the helicopter reporter saying that the road conditions were very bad since it was one of the worst storms Seoul had seen in years. I peered up at the liters of water pouring down like the sky had cracked open; I grinned through the violent weather. I trusted storms. They brought me good fortune.

When we arrived at reception, the military nurse eyed me up and down. My teeth were chattering and Seung Won was sweet talking her.I probably looked like a drowned rat.

"She can't come in."

"What?"

"She's not family."

"Noona, come on." Seung Won tried to flirt with the nurse.

"Don't Noona me. I'm not related to you. If she wants to wait, she has to wait out here."

"Seung Won. Don't worry about me. Just go in and see if he's okay. Please?" I begged him. Seung Won looked disheartened but he nodded and disappeared through the swinging door way where I saw a flock of doctors waiting.

I sat back down in the chairs and I felt my heart pounding in excitement. I started sneezing violently. I had been out in the rain for far too long.

"Yah! Stop that. Do you want to make everyone sick here?!"

"It's a hospital."

The desk nurse gave me a short laugh and came out from behind her desk with a set of fresh dry scrubs.

"It's not the cutest thing you can meet your boyfriend in, but at least you won't get sicker."

I smiled up at her and I grabbed the scrubs to change into. It was a such a relief to be dry and warm. I went to the corner of the reception where there was a couch and I curled up against the cushions. My eyes were so heavy. I hadn't slept for months. All the adrenaline that was flowing through me suddenly left. I was right by the heating vent and the warm blast of air made me so sleepy. I was drifting into darkness.

"Ha Jin."

"Mmmm, Joon Ki." I was still dreaming of him. "Where are you?"

"I'm right here."

"No, you're not. You left me." I hated this dream. The one where he was only a voice in my head and I couldn't touch him.

"Pabo. Open your eyes."

My eyes flew open. It wasn't a dream. Joon Ki. I rubbed my eyes furiously. When my eyes finally focused, I saw his eyes. Joon Ki's right hand was stroking my cheek. I grabbed his hand.

"This isn't a dream?" I demanded.

Joon Ki grinned and pulled me towards him. He kissed me. Han Joon Ki. You're alive.

I felt a golden glow spread through me. His mouth claimed mine. I was so overwhelmed by the feeling, by him. He was warm, he was real, he was alive. I held on, as the waves of joy flowed through me. I felt like l had been dead for months and now feelings were finally returning. Every moment we had ever kissed triggered to life in my mind. When Wang So declared that he loved and I kissed him. When I went after him after he was injured by an arrow protecting me. The last one was bittersweet, the kiss we shared in his kitchen before he left. It was nearly a year ago. I sobbed, so happy to be in his arms again. He held my face in his hands and wiped away my wet cheeks.

"If you cry every time we kiss, I'm going to think that you don't want me to kiss you."

He pressed his forehead against mine. I couldn't stop looking at him.

"I promise, I'll stop crying." I licked my lips and my mouth parted, I'd show him how much I missed him.

"Ahem."

Seung Won cleared his throat. I didn't even notice that Joon Ki's entire family was in the waiting room. I blushed immediately. This was not the way I wanted to see all of the Hans together. General Han was making a point of looking away and Jin-Jeong crossed her arms with disapproval. There was another man in the room, I suppose that it was Jin-Young, the oldest brother. He looked at me with a smirk on his face. I stood up immediately bowed to everyone.

"I'm sorry."

"Everyone, you remember Ha Jin." Joon Ki's hands dropped down and grasped my fingers lightly. "We've been dating long distance for the last year, please take good care of her."

"You were Seung Won's friend, the one who was engaged?" Jin Jeong pursed her lips and looked me up and down. "The singer."

"Yeh." I bowed.

"Well, this is all very confusing." Jin Jeong threw up her hands. "Joon Ki, I'm happy you've been recovered. It is very important that national security was not compromised because you decided to go on a wild goose chase."

I saw Joon Ki's facial muscle twitch with amusement. I wondered why he had that reaction to Jin-Jeong's distantly maternal words. Maybe this was part of the unhappy family thing.

She spun to leave and gave me one last look. She looked like she was about to say something, but then thought better of it. She turned to Seung Won.

"Seung Won, are you going to quit your labor union job?"

Seung Won slowly shook his head.

"Your father needs to talk some sense into you."

Jin Jeong glanced at Jin Young and they both left. General Han walked over to me and peered at me closely.

"You seem familiar to me somehow."

I froze in place. Did he have his memories returning to him too? Would he oppose Joon Ki and my relationship the way King Taejo did? Wang So never mentioned to me that King Taejo wanted him to throw me away, but I deduced as much. After Lady Oh's death, the King sent me away to be a palace slave. I knew that General Han probably had no recollections, but he'd have to forgive me if I was still a little skittish over my Goryeo memories.

"It's-it's because we've met two or three times." I stammered out. He nodded and glanced at Joon Ki.

"Well, my son is rather fond of you. Joon Ki, the doctors said you need about a month of recovery for your broken ribs. I don't expect you back until you're fully healed. If I see you anywhere on the base, I will send you home."

Joon Ki saluted his father and General Han walked out. After his father left, Seung Won let out a deeply held breath.

"Wow, Hyung."

"I know, right?" They shared an astonished look.

"Wow. Abeoji showing some real emotions."

"That's emotional?" I looked at the two of them, mystified.

Seung Won raised an eyebrow at me. "There'll be plenty of time to learn about the Hans later. I should leave you two alone." He bid us farewell and it was only Joon Ki and I in the waiting room. I tugged on my scrubs nervously and tucked my hair behind my ears.

"Hi." I let my hands drift along his arms up to his collarbone. He was a lot tanner than before he left. The dark skin made him look rakish and handsome. I sighed happily. Smoothing my hand down his chest, I felt the thick cast set around his ribs.

"I don't have a lot of mobility right now." Joon Ki grinned at me. "You'll have to do all the work."

A week later, Joon Ki finally got discharged from the hospital. I decided to meet him at his apartment after he got home. He told me the code to his place, so I came prepared with a overnight bag stuffed with food and some clothes.

"Hello?" I strode through the front door. "I'm here."

He was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter where he kissed me for the first time. Joon Ki walked over to me, glanced at my overnight bag, and backed me against the hallway in his apartment. I dropped my bag.

"Hello." He lifted my head with his forefinger. "Ha Jin. We haven't been alone yet." His voice was husky. "Do you remember what I said I would do to you when I returned?"

My mouth went dry.

TO BE CONTINUED...

*author note: Bahahah, I am such a tease. Please review and comment to hurry along what y'all know is coming.