"Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them."
I push open the door to my home quietly not wanting to disturb Punk if he is resting. I've been avoiding home for the last two days. Ever since I left the hospital I have not been home I have not talked to Punk. I spent one night at Dreamers and then the next day due to the man's constant whining at me to go fix things I rented a hotel room. I told him I had nothing to fix, that Punk needed to apologize to me and Dreamer informed me that I am a miserable bastard who is hopeless. I have to agree with him, I know I should have stayed at the hospital I just couldn't take Colt mooning over Punk and my boyfriend encouraging it, plus it felt like too many people in that room had seen Punk naked, hell been inside of Punk in a way I want no one to ever have. Yes I'm a jealous idiot but now that we are really giving this a try (well I hope we still are) I tend to over react to shit I would have ignored in the past. It is not exactly like Punk reached out to me either, he never called or texted me once in the last two days so obviously he was fine with the space.
The blinds are shut tight and the TV is playing softly, Punk is curled up on the couch his knee brace thrown on the floor, he is sleeping when I approach. Empty bottles surround the couch and I pick up the glass wincing as the beer label stares me in the face. Apparently my supply was raided by a straight edge brat that I need to get back on the right path soon. I pick up the hospital papers examining them, grateful to see that it is just a serious sprain and some pulled muscles nothing he will need surgery for. The orange of a prescription bottle catches my eye and I pick it up examining the label. I pop open the top on the pills dumping them into my hand and begin to count slowly, he has taken quite a few, more than the doctor ordered and I shake my head carrying them into the kitchen I throw the bottle into a cupboard.
I return to the living room pulling the old blanket from him gently, I turn him slightly so I can see his knee. Being careful I straighten the leg and inspect the swelling, I tuck a pillow under his leg and go back to the kitchen collecting an ice pack I place it onto his knee. I feel his green eyes on me long before he decides to speak, "Where the hell have you been?" I take a deep breath and go about picking up the empty bottles his eyes follow me and I feel guilty for having left him here for so long, I just don't do good with feelings unless my blood is drowning in alcohol. I watch as he sits up slowly his hand searching the coffee table, and I see him lean forward glancing under the table and cocking his head to see under the couch. I walk across the room and yank open the blinds hearing a groan, my own hangover protests this greatly but if we are going to fight which it seems we are might as well have some light to see his reactions by.
"I was out, why do you care seems you had a pity party all of your own right here Phil. What by chance are you looking for?" His head snaps up and he is looking at me, anger, sadness, and an emotion I can not comprehend crosses his face quickly.
"Well my little pity party as you call it would never had happened if the man I love, the man I live with, the man who is suppose to be there for me fucking was. Where have you fucking been Scott? Where the fuck are my pills?" His pills words I never thought I would here from his lips and I try to find some anger, something in me besides an overwhelming feeling of sorrow that I did this to him. I go and sit on the coffee table across from him and take his hand gently.
"I'm sorry Kitten, I've been drunk the last couple of days, as soon as I sobered up I came home to give you the love, support, and care you need. Why didn't you call somebody to come take care of you. Punkers you know I'm not dependable, all I can say is I'm sorry. Why do you want the pills Kitten? I'm not going to give them to you so you can abuse them." He scoffs at me and stares at the ceiling for a moment,
"You come in here with some weak ass excuse of being drunk, you still know your own address so you could have gotten home, where the hell were you last night Dreamer said you never went back there. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?" Okay the kid can yell, and I've managed to totally piss him off I just hope we can get through this.
"I stayed at a hotel, the one right up the street. I was going to come home but I chickened out because I knew you would be mad at me." He laughs bitterly, and I know now the emotion I couldn't catch on his face bitterness towards me, towards our love. I feel my heart start pounding harder and I pray I haven't screwed this up permanently
"You were ten minutes away and you didn't come home because you were scared. Bullshit, really just bullshit Raven. Do you know you have a hickey on your neck?" My hand flies to my neck, and I place my fingers there and he laughs again. "You don't really but that tells me you didn't stay alone. Guilty conscience showing through Raven so give me the truth or leave me the hell alone." I don't know if he will believe the truth and I don't know if the truth would be best for us, I think maybe I should call Colt and give up. Our love seems to be destroying both of us so maybe it is time for me to wave the white flag, but there is so much hurt in his eyes that I can not lie.
"I didn't take anyone back to the hotel, I admit there was a girl at the bar I made out with but it did nothing for me as she wasn't you so I paid my tab and went back to the hotel room alone. It felt justified at the time because you kissed Colt but I know now it doesn't fix anything." He takes a deep breath and leans back on his pillows I see him brush at his cheek and grimace at the wetness that is left behind.
"Tit for tat, Raven its just another game. We never win these games, and I am so very tired of feeling alone. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to survive this and still be able to look at myself in the mirror. I love you but I'm not sure if love this hard is worth it. I feel so broken down, so lost, so empty even when I am in your arms. I don't want this to be over so help me please, give me a reason to try, just give me a reason to stay." I swallow hard wanting to have the right words in this moment to fix all the wounds I have inflicted, he is bleeding on the battlefield and I need the strength to heal him.
"No more games I promise you that Kitten. I can't make you stay but I can promise to try harder, to be here, be present in this relationship I need the same from you though, I love you but I will not watch you destroy everything you believe in. I will do anything it takes, I will prove to you that you are not alone. If you stay I will love you the best way I know how." I'm not sure its enough, I have broken promises in the past and trust, and the truth does not exist between the two of us. "If you want to leave I won't stop you, but I will not be whole with you gone. I'll do whats right and call Colt and tell him to come get you if that's what you want." He turns and those olive eyes are watery and I can see the hurt to the very depths of them.
"Why would you think calling Colt is what is right for me?" He whispers this studying me carefully.
"Colt protects you, believes in you, he would gladly live and die for you. The man is a better person then I will ever be, and he is the kind of person you deserve." He sits up slowly swinging his legs onto the floor wincing as he bends his knee. The ice pack clatters to the hard wood and makes us both jump in the silence.
"Colt loves me, I love you, who do you love at the end of the day who do you love Raven?" I shrug slowly wanting to scream you at him until I can no longer scream, but I am giving him the out. He should walk away from me, the truth of that sits scattered around us. Empty bottles know piled neatly, pills hidden in the cupboard, and an ashtray filled with butts all proof to me that I should concede, let him go before I damage him to the point he doesn't survive. "Who do you love Scott?" He is pressing and I know what he wants to hear but I refuse to say the words he wants no matter how true they are.
"I love myself Phil, the only person I have ever loved is myself. I'm sorry you fell for my charms and my lame ass story of abuse. At least it bought me a few more weeks of fucking that tight ass. Though the guy I fucked last night was tighter." He stares down at the floor and I can not see his eyes to see if he believes the lies that fell from my lips. He struggles to stand and I want desperately to reach out to him and help yet I don't. He limps slowly to the bedroom and I hear the opening of draws, he reemerged with a backpack. I watch as he grabs his phone and pulls out his key ring, the clang of his house key hitting the table beside of me fills the silence. A moment later the slamming of a door is ringing in my ears and the breath I have been holding escapes my lungs. I glance around the empty apartment and let out a strangled scream. "How could you believe me? How could you believe me so easily?" I ask the space as I slide down to my knees, I feel the wetness of my face long before it dawns on me I am crying. I have not allowed myself to cry in so long that the foreign feeling almost scares me, this kid, my kitten walked away and I am for the first time broken in a way I don't think I will ever understand. The only thought in my head is that he never loved me, he wouldn't have walked away if he loved me. No matter what I said he wouldn't have walked away, why did he believe me so easily? Why am I never enough?
Thank you as always for reading and please remember to review! Disclaimers and such in chapter one!
badgerlynne- I think throwing your emotions for a loop is a good thing and something I strive for when writing. An emotional connection keeps readers coming back. I was on the fence through writing most of this if I was Team Raven myself yet the birdie has persuaded me, now he just needs to figure out how to keep Punk. Happy New Year to you also!
lamentomori- I feel birdie is as sincere as he can be, I think dreamer has to be Raven's conscience as at times he forgets he has his own. Raven does enjoy his fireworks yet at the same time i feel he may be actually trying to reign in that side of him a little. Being in the birdie's nest alone makes kitty very unhappy as his prey has flown the coop thanks to puppies barking. But now the barking has stop kitty is trying to wait out the birdie. An answer is forth coming for Colt but I don't think he is going to like it. I have another double update planned but with my work cycle it may not always work out that way lol.