As usual,
Blamsturbation: Oh, don't worry, dear! I love getting your reviews, but I understand how life sometimes gets in the way! Look how long it took me to update :( So please don't worry, I'm just glad you're still liking it. No, Sam is not coping well at all, and Blaine is going to have a hard time getting him to open up, I'm afraid. But you know how stubborn he is ;) Glad you liked the call from Cooper! I still might include him in the epilogue, I don't know. Thank you soooo much!
THEMoDePo: yeah, Sam is only trying to protect Blaine without realizing he is hurting him in the process... And yeah, Blaine is not having a nice time with his arm either. Glad you liked Cooper's call, I might give him an apparition in the epilogue after all... We'll see! Thank you so much, sweetie!
Mildlifecrissis: Maybe I'll include Cooper in the epilogue, we'll see! Sorry you miss him! Yeah, I know Blaine is also hiding the thing with his arm to Sam, but Sam is always so worried about him that he can't bring himself to burden him with anything else! I think both of them are going to need help... Thank you so much, dear!
Darrinia: yeah, Sam is very stubborn, but he just wants to protect Blaine, even if he's wrong. We'll how he copes. Gracias, cariñín!
CHAPTER 14
"Don't overdo it, you hear me?" Sam advised Blaine for what it seemed the hundredth time as he parked their car in front of an apartment building near Sebastian's home.
Blaine was going somewhere without Sam for the first time since the robbery, to which Sam had agreed only because he really needed to get back to work, and that way Blaine wouldn't be staying home alone –and without supervision–. He was only going for a visit to the small place Sebastian had rented to start his own law firm –just to see it, Sebastian had promised he wasn't going to let him work on it–, but Sam knew his boyfriend like the back of his hand and knew it would be very difficult for him to stay put if he wasn't there to remind him to behave.
"Yes, I've heard you, now and the other twenty times you've told me" Blaine answered, clearly frustrated.
"Ok, no need to get so touchy" Sam answered calmly, as it seemed there was nothing Blaine could do that would him even slightly annoyed. "I just want you to remember you are not completely okay yet"
"And how could I forget when you remind me every five minutes?" Blaine answered, more than a bit irritated by then.
Things were not getting better with time. In fact, they seemed to be getting even worse. Sam kept his overprotection to the highest level, and the sense of oppression that Blaine was feeling was starting to asphyxiate him, given his independent nature.
And that, added to the fact that he could feel Sam struggling to keep afloat but would still deny it and keep Blaine's well-intended offers to help away from him, was really getting to him. He had tried talking to Sam a great amount of times, but his attempts had been unsuccessful so far, and he felt at a loss about what to do.
All these things were making Blaine grumpy and irritable, but even when he rebuked at some comment Sam made that grated on his nerves, Sam would never get angry, as if he had an obligation to take any abuse from Blaine so as not to upset him. And that infuriated Blaine even more.
"I don't do it to annoy you, I promise" Sam answered in a pacifying tone. "I just want to make sure..."
"... that I'm okay, I know" Blaine finished the sentence for him with a sigh of frustration. "Aren't you getting late for work?"
Sam looked at his watch and almost jumped on his seat in the car at seeing how late indeed was.
"You're right, I must get going" Sam admitted, but even then it was obvious how much he was fretting about losing sight of his boyfriend for the first time since the shot.
"Are you going to be okay?" Blaine asked, sensing the obvious turmoil in his boyfriend's head.
"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?" Sam replied with a chuckle, as if Blaine's question didn't make any sense at all.
"Sure, of course" Blaine replied, and Sam pretended to ignore the sarcasm in his voice.
"Be careful, okay?"
"I will or I won't hear the end of it" Blaine mumbled, even as he bent forwards to give a quick peck to Sam's lips. "I'll see you later, love"
"Take care, sweetie" Sam answered to Blaine's back as the latter got out of the car.
Sam didn't move the car until well after Blaine had entered the building, and then sighed sadly as he turned it on and started driving towards McKinley to get back to work after so many days. He knew he was deeply frustrating Blaine with his need to take care of him constantly –but he couldn't help it, he needed to make sure he was going to be alright, after what he had been through. And with his not wanting to talk about the robbery. But he would rather frustrate him than burden him with his troubles. Blaine needed to concentrate on his recovery, and not on Sam's feelings. If he could only understand that and stop insisting...
"See? I told you I could make it look habitable even if you weren't here to take care of it" Sebastian joked as he proudly showed the place to his best friend, glad to see him out and about the mend. After all, he had been working on the place for weeks now and it was almost ready to start working, and he couldn't feel prouder of himself about it.
"I know that, but since I helped you found the place I really really wanted to help you putting everything together from scratch" Blaine lamented, realizing not for the first time how many things he had missed during his convalescence.
"It was not exactly your decision, Killer" Sebastian reminded him in a comforting voice. "Besides I think it's better this way, because you're a control freak and I'm sure we would have fought at the tenth time of you telling me how untidy everything looked"
"Well, I can still tell you because everything is pretty untidy anyway, if you ask me" Blaine half joked, looking around himself.
"I knew I should have waited to show you until the official inauguration so it would be full of people and you wouldn't dare to say anything" Sebastian answered playfully, and was deceived he didn't receive even the littlest smile at his humor attempt. "You okay, Killer?"
"Yes, I'm great" Blaine lied with an unconvincing smile that didn't fool the person who probably knew him the most in the world after Sam or Cooper.
"You sure?" Sebastian insisted, suddenly worried about him.
"Not you too, please" Blaine begged, before he could even realize it.
"What do you mean?" Sebastian asked, confused.
"Nothing" Blaine dismissed him with a move of his hand. "You know what? Let's tidy up a bit, shall we? It's the least I can do for you"
"Hey, I thought you were just visiting" Sebastian complained playfully, even if there was a lot of truth behind his words because Sam had secretly called him that morning to make him promise he was not going to let Blaine overdo it –and he was kind of scared of what the blond would do to him if he let Blaine get too tired.
"Well, I happen to be a control freak visit, you said so yourself, so I can't really stop myself. Besides you need some guidance for the decoration of the place too" Blaine teasingly said as he approached to a big vase that in his opinion was standing too close to the table. "This vase would look so much better at the other side of the office, where there is actually some space for it, you know"
"Ok, let me try" Sebastian tried to stop him from moving it himself, but Blaine had already grabbed it.
"I can do it" Blaine said with such a determination in his voice that Sebastian thought it looked important for him to do it, so he didn't try to stop him anymore –he would deal with Sam later, if he had to.
"Be careful, it's heavy" Sebastian still warned him, not wanting for Blaine to hurt himself, but it was too late: Blaine's bad arm lost its strength suddenly and the vase fell to the floor, breaking instantly.
"Fuck!" Blaine yelled frustratingly when his arm fail to respond, and hearing him swear seemed so out of place that getting angry at him for breaking the vase was the last thing in Sebastian's mind –especially when he saw all the pain in Blaine's expressive eyes.
"Hey, B, it's okay" Sebastian told him reassuringly, as he hurried to clean the mess before Blaine had the chance to do it.
"No, it's not okay, it's broken" Blaine answered, as angry as Sebastian had hardly ever seen him before –and it hurt to see how that anger was directed only at himself.
"Yes, but it was horrible anyway, it doesn't matter" Sebastian tried to reassure him.
"Of course it matters, damn it! It's because of this damned arm, it's never going to heal" Blaine answered back before he could stop himself, angrily rubbing his arm in an attempt of bringing some life back into it.
Sebastian approached him and took his arm from him to gently rub it himself, both to help the arm and to calm Blaine's nerves some –and to stop him from hurting himself with the violence he was rubbing the arm with.
"What's wrong with your arm?" Sebastian questioned him, looking so intently at him that there was no way Blaine could avoid him.
"It's just... it doesn't seem to have any strength in it" Blaine answered reluctantly.
"It will heal, you just have to give it a little time" Sebastian told him softly, reassuringly, almost as if he was talking to a wounded animal.
"I know, Seb. I'm sorry" Blaine apologized, having calmed down enough to be aware of his outburst. "It's just so frustrating..."
"I know" Sebastian replied, sadly.
"I can't even play the piano…" Blaine lamented with such a soft voice that Sebastian had to strain his ears to hear him, his heart breaking with the desolation of his friend.
"I'm sure it's just temporary, Blaine" Sebastian tried to reassure him as his hand move to squeeze Blaine's good shoulder. "The doctor talked about rehabilitation after your surgery, didn't Sam tell you about it?"
"I haven't told Sam about the arm" Blaine admitted, his stance looking only sadder as he sat down on one of the chairs in the office, as if suddenly he had lost the strength to stand. "I can't even talk to Sam about it, because he freaks out with the littlest thing happening to me, as if I'm going to break or something"
"He's... having a hard time with... what happened" Sebastian tried to justify Sam.
"I know he is" Blaine answered while a stray tear find its way down his cheek without him even noticing. "If he just let me help him..."
"I don't think you can. You both went through a lot that day, I can't even imagine..."
"Yes, I know it was worse for him, because he had to see me getting hurt. I understand that, and I want to help him, but he doesn't even let me try"
"I don't think you really understand how it was" Sebastian explained, honestly, as he sat down in front of his friend and rested a comforting hand on his wrist. "I myself haven't been able to erase the image of you lying lifeless and bloody on the floor, and I am not even your life partner, and I didn't get to see the whole picture. I can't imagine what it was for him to see you get shot, to hold you in his arms while you were in an unbearable pain... And then feeling he was going to see you die, just like that..."
Blaine remained speechless, trying to imagine how he would have felt if the roles had been reversed. If he had held Sam in his arms while his life hung by a thread... How could Sam live with that? How had he managed to bury all that so deep and still be able to breathe? And what could he do to help him?
"What can I do, Seb?" Blaine asked, kind of desperate, and Sebastian's heart broke again at the realization of how far his friends still were from being alright.
"I don't know, B" Sebastian answered, honestly, as he brought his thumb to Blaine's cheek to tenderly remove the offending tear.
"I can't keep going on like this..." Blaine confessed in desperation, just before more tears followed the first one.
When Sam arrived home, he sighed in relief when he found Blaine sitting on the sofa. He had stopped at Sebastian's office to pick him up on his way home after work, only he was not there: Sebastian had told him he was not in a very good mood –which didn't surprise Sam too much, all things considered– and had decided to go home.
"Hi, love" Sam greeted him, as he entered and stopped at the door to take his jacket off. "I thought we had agreed I'd pick you up from Sebastian's office" he went on, without a trace of reproach on his voice.
At the lack of response in his boyfriend, Sam turned around to look at him and found him doing nothing –which surprised and worried Sam, because Blaine was always, always, doing something–, with a serious expression on his face –and didn't his eyes look kind of red? –. But then he noticed something lying at Blaine's feet that worried him even more: a suitcase.
"B?" Sam asked, tentatively, as Blaine stood up.
"I was... waiting for you" Blaine answered gravely.
"What's this?" Sam asked, pointing at the suitcase.
"I convinced my brother to go directly to Los Angeles instead of Lima and I'm going with him for a few days" Blaine explained as calmly as he could, even though his heart was breaking at Sam's astounded expression.
"On your own? Because I can go with you, if you just give me a couple of days I'm sure I can arrange it at work"
"No, I don't want you to come" Blaine answered in a soft but resolute voice. "I'm going on my own"
"What? Why?" Sam mumbled, confused and… scared.
"I need to think objectively about... about us. And I'm not going to be able to do it if you're there with me, so..." Blaine grabbed his bag and made to pass by Sam, but the latter gently grabbed his arm and stopped him.
"But wait! Did I miss something? What's happening that you suddenly feel the need to think about us?" Sam begged for an explanation to something he didn't understand.
"I can't be with a person who doesn't trust me or doesn't see me as an equal" Blaine's voice shook as he spoke, and Sam couldn't decide if he wanted to comfort him or to yell at him.
"What are you talking about?" Sam tried again.
"I'm tired of you making me feel weak and useless"
"B, wait a minute" Sam tried to stay calm, even though he was terrified that he seemed to be losing Blaine without any kind of warning. "I swear I'm not getting it. How am I making you feel like that, and why haven't you talked to me about it before?"
"What? I've been telling you for days! You just won't listen! You're so busy overprotecting me and keeping me wrapped up in cotton that you don't see further than the end of your nose!" Blaine angrily reproached him.
"Is this about the fact that you don't think I should be okay again?" Sam responded sarcastically, already building the wall around him that had been a barrier between the two of them for days again.
"No, it's about the fact that I know you're not okay. Do you really think I don't know about the nightmares? Or about the anxiety? I want to help you, but you won't let me! And I can't stand it anymore!" Blaine explained shakily, and again moved to the door.
"B, wait" Sam begged, stopping him once again through the link of their hands. "Ok, if you really need me to I'm willing to admit I might be feeling the after-effects of... you know, but I don't think talking about it will make it better it. It's just... it's still too fresh, it will get better with time"
"No, it won't, it will just fester. You don't want to talk because you want to protect me, you want to be strong for me because I was hurt and you were so scared I wasn't going to make it. I understand that, I really do. I know how protective you are of me at the best of times, so in a situation like this... But I'm mostly okay now, and I need you to see it" Blaine begged for Sam to understand, and the latter had to look away at the painful intensity in Blaine's eyes. "I need us to be back to normal. I need my boyfriend back, the one who thought he could count on me, the one who trusted me, and not the one who sees me as a weak creature in need of constant supervision"
"I don't see you that way. You're the strongest person I know. Look what you've been through and still..." Sam tried, but Blaine didn't even let him finish.
"What we both have been through!" Blaine was so angry he couldn't stop himself from yelling. "Can't you see it? I was not the only one who suffered! How can you be so selfish?"
"Selfish? I've only been trying to help you!" Sam answered, getting angry himself.
"But you won't let me help you!" Blaine retorted. "This relationship works both ways! I need you to be alright too"
"And I'll be alright! You just have to give me a little time"
"Sam, please. I'm here for you too. I'm not made of glass, I'm not going to break. Let me help you"
"The only thing I need to be okay is for you to be okay. So if you really want to help me, let's just forget about it. All this tension isn't good for you. You should have a rest while I..."
"If you change your mind and realize I'm still your partner and not your child, you know where to find me" Blaine told him softly as he disentangled his hand from Sam's grip and started walking to the front door.
"B, wait. It's not that I don't trust you" Sam said, desperate to find the right words to stop his boyfriend from going. "It's just..."
"Just what?" Blaine encouraged him to continue, feeling like he was starting to see a crack in Sam's protective wall.
"I don't have the right to burden you with my troubles on top of everything" Sam confessed with a sigh, knowing there was no way he could keep avoiding it.
"But on top of what, Sam?" Blaine was getting desperate. "You have done nothing but taking care of me"
"I owe you so much" Sam whispered.
"What are you talking about?" Blaine asked, totally confused at Sam's words.
"You took that bullet for me! It should have been me who got shot" Sam shouted.
Blaine felt his eyes sting with threatening tears, finally understanding everything that had been going on in Sam's head, but he didn't let them fall because he needed Sam to continue talking and he needed to be strong for him. Of course he was feeling guilty, how he had not realized until then? He should have known that would be part of the problem.
"Sam, don't be ridiculous!" Blaine answered in a completely different tone, full of reassurance and understanding now. "Why was that guy going to shoot you? Because you were trying to protect me! And I did the same for you! You don't owe me anything, it could have been either you or me, it just went that way" Blaine continued, desperately needing for Sam to understand he was not to blame for anything.
"It was my fault" Sam insisted, his voice so soft it was hard to hear.
"Tell me one thing: if I hadn't moved when the guy shot and it had been you getting the bullet for trying to protect me, would you have blamed me?"
"Of course not!" Sam answered, before he could stop himself.
"Then please, tell me how are you to blame" Blaine begged for Sam to understand.
"I don't know" Sam admitted, bringing his hands to his face and shaking his head. "But it's just how I feel"
"What is it that stops you from talking to me? You never had any problem with that before. Is it guiltiness? Or is it that you think I won't be able to stand it?"
"I know you'll be able to stand it. I told you you're the strongest person I know, and I really think so. But you've been so bad..."
"But I'm not anymore, Sammy. And I need to know how you feel. You're not helping me by leaving me out. This is not how it works"
"You're right" Sam finally caved in and he turned around to sit in the sofa, implicitly asking Blaine to accompany him, and Blaine could almost feel tears of relief when his boyfriend started talking. "I need you to help me, because it won't get better" Sam confessed, his voice soft and shaky as he started opening to the person he loved the most in the world.
"I'm here for you, Sammy" Blaine assured him, resting his hand over that of his boyfriend.
"I don't know how much you remember about it" Sam started. "But you were in so much pain that your lips bled when you bit them trying to control it. I held you for hours while you suffered, while you trembled from the pain, and then I was so sure I was going to lose you... When you fell unconscious I felt as if a part of me was dying. I was terrified your eyes were not going to open ever again" Sam's voice broke at the last words, still unable to forget the panic he had felt at that moment.
"But I made it, Sam" Blaine answered, softly, as one of his hands gently ran through Sam's hair in a comforting way. "We both did, and we are here, together"
"I know, but I can't seem to stop myself from panicking something is going to take you away from me" Sam continued, suddenly unable to stop now that he had started. "I can't sleep because I'm afraid you won't be there when I wake up. And if I finally fall sleep from exhaustion, nightmares start, always about losing you… and when I wake up I can't even breathe from the panic I feel until my hand finds you and I know you're there and you're okay"
"Oh, Sammy..." Blaine lamented, as his hand curled around Sam's neck to bring him closer to him so he could rest his forehead against the blond's cheek.
"I was so close to losing you" Sam said with a sob and Blaine didn't lose a second to envelop him with his arms and bring Sam's head to rest on his shoulder, as he kept planting soft kisses on the top of his head.
Sam clung to Blaine, days and days of pent-up emotions finally taking their toll on him, and he cried like he had never cried before. Blaine held him strongly, gently caressing the back of his head in a comforting gesture, but he didn't try to stop the tears; it had been long enough, Sam needed to let it all out, and he was going to be there for him. The relief Blaine felt at having been able to break Sam's wall at last mixed with the sadness of seeing him so broken. That and his own grief about the robbery soon elicited for some tears to appear in his eyes too.
They remained like that for a good while, until Sam's sobs started diminishing and he finally lifted his face to look at his lover. It was then when he discovered the tears in Blaine's eyes too, and he immediately felt guilty again.
"See? That's why I didn't want to talk" Sam told him regretfully, as he dried Blaine's tears with his thumb, making Blaine smile appreciatively.
"Don't be silly. Those are healing tears, Sam. And healing will be so much easier if we do it together" Blaine answered, pushing Sam's head to his chest to caress it lovingly and resting his own head over it. "We will make it. I swear to you"
Sam could only nod, too moved to say anything else.
Almost two hours later, Sam awoke, confused but feeling strangely peaceful. He immediately realized he was still in Blaine's arms, on the sofa, his head resting in his boyfriend's chest, his hair being caressed by that wonderful man's soft fingers.
He lifted himself slowly from Blaine's chest to look at him, and on his face he discovered the most tender smile he could imagine.
"Did I fall asleep just like that?" Sam asked, amazed.
"Yes. You must have been more tired than you thought" Blaine answered, his voice full of devotion. "That, and my magic touch, of course" he joked, making Sam chuckle.
"I'm sorry I kept you like this. I know how much you hate doing nothing"
"I was not 'doing nothing'. I was guarding your sleep, keeping nightmares at bay"
Sam's heart felt like bursting from love and he impulsively leant over to kiss Blaine's lips in a swift but grateful kiss.
"Well, you did it very well, then. It was the best sleep I've had since... well, for a long time" Sam admitted as he lovingly pinched Blaine's cheek.
"I'm glad I could help" Blaine told him meaningfully, and Sam nodded.
"I'll help you unpack in return, then" Sam said, standing up.
"No, wait!" Blaine yelled, trying to stop Sam from picking his suitcase, though he was too late.
"It's empty!" Sam exclaimed, his voice a mixture of indignation and amusement.
Blaine blushed visibly for a second, loss for words, but as soon as he found his voice again he tried to defend himself.
"Of course it's empty! Do you think I was really going to leave you alone like that? Of course not, who do you take me for! I just needed you to react"
"You're a manipulative little bastard, you know that?" Sam told him, menacingly approaching him.
"In a good way or in a bad way?" Blaine tempted his fate, using the puppy eyes that had proven so successful in the past.
"In the best of ways" Sam answered as he surrounded Blaine's waist strongly with his arms and pulled him impossibly close to him, capturing his lips in the process.
"I did it because I love you so much, and I needed my Sam back. I needed you to be alright again. You understand, do you?" Blaine told him honestly, his eyes never leaving Sam's for a second.
"Of course I understand, B. I shouldn't have been so stubborn about this, I'm sorry" he apologized, sincerely. "And I'm sorry I was hurting you even if I only wanted to protect you"
"Will you consider… I don't know… maybe getting some help?" Blaine tentatively asked, knowing that Sam still had a long way to go even if he had taken the first step.
"You mean a therapist?" Sam answered, only mildly surprised; after all, he had been considering it himself.
"Yeah" Blaine admitted with a nod. "I want you to be alright. I need you to do whatever it takes to heal"
"Ok" Sam easily agreed, willing to do anything the love of his life would ask him. "Whatever it takes. After what I did…"
"Why don't we leave all that regret behind and just look ahead?" Blaine interrupted him with a smile while putting his arms around his boyfriend's neck to bring him even closer, not wanting to let him fall in a spiral of guilt again.
Sam smiled tenderly at his boyfriend in return, reinforcing his grip around his waist, and kissed his lips again.
"Just as long as we do it together" he told Blaine, and the latter could only smile in agreement. "Now you care about some dinner?"
"Why don't you get started on that while I start getting the guest room ready for Cooper? You know he is arriving in just a couple of days and…"
"Wait" Sam stopped him, trying to look angry even if he failed miserably. "I thought your brother would be directly going to Los Angeles…"
"Mmmm… not really" Blaine admitted with a blush at having been caught in another lie even if with the best of intentions. "I didn't talk to him at all, so he is still coming for a visit as we agreed…"
"You are a manipulative little bastard indeed" Sam laughed before completely surrounding Blaine's body in a strong embrace and lovingly kissing the side of his head. "And I couldn't love you more for it"
A/N: Only one more chapter (epilogue) to go!