Chapter 13: Can't Bury Feelings Forever
A/N: Thanks for your patience at my upload speed. Please enjoy!
By the end of their first study session, Chase had mastered the different styles of art, which is no surprise considering his skills at memorization. He and Caitlin then began to work on an assignment he was dreading: an artistic representation of trauma.
"Ms. Rose told me she assigned your class a project to work on. Do you have any idea what you are going to do for it?" Caitlin asked gently, understanding that he probably was not looking forward to the topic at hand.
Chase responded with an abrupt, "No."
"Well, the first thing we should do is brainstorm experiences you've had that meet the criteria of the assignment. You can draw on these as inspiration for the actual artwork," Caitlin suggested.
"There's no need to worry about this assignment. I'm going to talk to Ms. Rose and see if she can assign me a different project, considering the circumstances," Chase responded in a defeated tone.
"I was actually thinking the same thing," Caitlin agreed. "I talked to Ms. Rose in school today to see if I could get you an exemption for this assignment. Unfortunately, she wouldn't budge. She thinks it would be healthy for you to express the effects of the worst experience of your life artistically, since you do not seem to be talking to anyone about recent events in your life verbally. This might help organize your ideas in a more productive manner that ignoring your thoughts and letting your feelings simmer."
"It's just too soon. I can't do this right now. Right before I came to this meeting I was sitting outside Eve's hospital room. She's being transferred to a rehabilitation facility and there's a good chance that was the last time I will be able to see her for mouths," Chase recited like a zombie.
Caitlyn carefully asked, "How does that make you feel? Do you feel angry at Trent? Do you feel guilty that you weren't able to protect Eve? Do you feel empty without Eve here?"
Chase snapped, "How am I supposed to feel? If you are so smart and have all the answers, you tell me!"
Caitlyn gaped at this outburst as she began to tear up. Trying to hold back tears, she choked out, "If you could give me a moment, I need to use the restroom."
As soon as Caitlyn left, Chase felt a rush of shame and embarrassment. Caitlyn may not be the most tactful person in the world, but she has a kind heart. No one was forcing her to spend time after school helping and tutoring him. Unlike most people who would try and pry into his and Eve's relationship, she only seemed concerned for his well being. Yet he snapped at her and made her feel terrible about her.
After giving her a few minutes to collect herself, Chase went to the restroom and knocked on the door: "Caitlyn, are you still in there? I really need to tell you something when you get done."
Caitlyn emerged from the restroom, with her eyes red and swollen from tears. She quietly murmured, "It's getting kind of late, I think I'm going to head out" as she began to clean up her supplies.
Chase interjected, "Wait. I know it was wrong for me to snap at you. There is no excuse for me treating you that poorly. If I'm being honest with myself, then I'm more upset with myself than anything, and your questions just brought that to the surface. The truth is that I hate how confused and conflicted I feel about the situation. There is no one right answer like a multiple-choice question. Of course I hate what Trent did to Eve, but on the other hand I don't know that he deserved to die for his crime. I hate how people at school assume that Eve deserved what Trent did to her for the stupidest reasons, but I know that lashing out at them won't make a difference. And most of all, I hate how I can't see Eve now and I hate how selfish it makes me feel to think this because her treatment and healing should be the most important thing to me right now."
Caitlyn replied, "Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it took you a lot to be able to say all this and get it off your chest. For what it's worth, I don't think you're selfish at all. It's only human to want to be with your girlfriend while she is dealing with such a traumatic ordeal. As homework for this tutoring session, I want you to write all these thoughts down until you think you have gotten it all out. Be as personal as you want: I won't read it unless you want. This will give us a great starting point for working on the project during tomorrow's session. I would love to stay and talk more about it with you, but my mom is waiting outside to pick me up. But if you want to talk between now and tomorrow's session, I'm just a text or phone call away!"
As Caitlyn walked through the door, Chase's head started spinning with the hurricane of emotions that had built up over the past couple of weeks. He pulled out a notebook and a pen and started writing until the hurricane wore down to a gentle breeze and he almost felt calm again.
A/N: Please review if you would like! Thanks for reading!