Hey guys! Sorry this took so long, but you know holidays, family and stuff like that. But I am back. ANNNDDDDD Warnings for this chapter: there is no plot in this chapter - NONE - Nada, zilch, etc, yadda and yadda. They are just having fun. I hope you all had a great holiday season and heres to the last day of 2013. Mine was a roller coaster but amazing none the less. Love you guys!
Wow, life is becoming so hectic that I don't have a chance to update this as much as I used to. I hope you all understand. This move has changed my life for the better and I am so grateful that I had to opportunity to make it.
You know, we are all adults and with being adults comes responsibility. But don't get so lost in the trials and tribulations of everyday life that you forget to have fun and be spontaneous. Sometimes it's okay to act like a child again. Sometimes it's needed.
Sometimes a good practical joke war is all you need to keep you head on straight.
Friday was a long day at work and Kurt couldn't have been more ready to get home if he tried. His dogs were barking, his back was aching, and he was ready to become one with his bathtub. Blaine would be coming over in the morning, so Kurt was looking forward to a relaxing night at home.
There was just one tiny, minute, detail that he had forgotten about. Well, that was until he went to his parking space and saw that there was a shiny red Camero parked in his spot. "God damn it Santana!" He groaned in frustration as he took the journey back to the guest parking in the back of the association.
Kurt limped slightly from the pain currently plaguing his body, cursing Santana's entire being during his five minute walk to his apartment. Needless to say he was not amused when he got to his front door and heard laughter coming from the other side. In a moment's time his quiet evening was a distant fantasy.
Kurt shoved the front door open, shouting as he did so. "Santana! If you don't pay rent, you don't get to park in my spot!" He threw his keys and wallet in the basket by the door and toed off his shoes.
"Why not? Blaine gets to park there." She retorted, feigning offense at his statement.
"We have sex. He's special."
"Ewww! T M f'ing I!" Kurt heard a familiar voice complain in the other room. He dropped his satchel on the floor and walked into the living room only to be greeted by the head full of bright red hair he had seen just a few hours prior.
"Aubrey, what are you doing here?"Kurt gasped.
"Just chillin' with my new bff. Seriously though. TMI about the sex talk."
"Oh please Aubrey, you're just as much of a perv as this bitch is." Kurt said, rolling his eyes.
"It's my brother! If you were fucking anyone else I would be demanding all the dirt on the afternoon delight your office has been getting." Kurt's eyes widened and his jaw dropped.
"I'm not an idiot Kurt. You think I don't notice when my brother goes in looking presentable and comes out with dirt on his knees and his hair is mussed."
Kurt stumbled over his words for a moment trying to come up with a whitty retort. "Well… you're just jealous."
Both of the girls got a good chuckle out of that one. "Oh yea, I'm really jealous. I get more than you Hummel. Besides I'm not going to tell my boss if I'm getting any hankie pankie in the office."
Kurt quirked an eyebrow at her. "Are you getting any at the office?"
"My lips are sealed… Unlike Blaine's." Santana started laughing hysterically.
"Where they hell have you been hiding her, Lady? I love her." Santana hopped off the couch and put back on her shoes. "Well this was a blast, but Aub and I are going to go cause some raucous." She said as she put her hands in her bra and pulled up her cleavage.
"What are you going to do?" Kurt asked, not entirely sure if he actually wanted to know.
"Apparently the eldest Anderson has a crush on me. I'm going to go meet one of my adoring fans."
Kurt walked back over to the door and slid back into his shoes. "Oh this I have to see."
The girls met him in the by the door. "So you're driving right my main gay?" Santana asked almost seriously.
"Hell no. Bitch you parked in my spot, I am not walking back to Long Beach practically to my car. We'll take yours."
"You're giving me gas money."
"The fuck I am! You were going anyway."
Santana rolled her eyes as they made their way down the stairs to her car. "You suck Hummel."
"What's your point Satan?"
"Wanky."
"Can we please not talk about Kurt sucking anything? I mean shit, my brother is involved here."
"I'm sure he sucks too Ariel."
"I can assure you he does."
Aubrey's hands flew up to cover her ears. "Oh my God! Eww just stop!"
"You're on my turf now Aub. If you can't handle the heat, get the fuck out of my kitchen." Kurt quipped.
"Jerk."
"You love me."
"Ugh, whatever."
The trio somehow managed to avoid the LA evening traffic and made it to the Anderson family residence in less than fifteen minutes.
"Is your brother home yet?" Santana asked as she parked her car in front of the neighbor's house.
"No, I think he'll be home around seven-thirty or eight."
"Good, gives us enough to play nice with your sister-in-law." Santana said with a smirk as she opened her door.
"I'm warning you right now, she may not be your biggest fan at first."
Santana just laughed soulfully. "Perfect."
"So what are you crazy bitches even planning on doing?" Kurt asks, stretching from the car ride.
"I don't know. But it has to be epic. My brother is an ass and deserves whatever he gets."
"You love that asshole." Kurt mentioned as they walked up.
"I do, and oh em gee I have the best idea Kurt. Where is Blaine?"
"What are you thinking and why would I know where Blaine is?"
"You are his boyfriend Twinkle Toes."
"Suck it Santana. He's my boyfriend, not my charge."
"You suck it." Santana bickered back.
"You."
"Suck iiiitttt." Kurt and Santana sang in harmony as they finally got up to the front door.
"You two watch way too much Psych."
"Is that actually a thing? A thing that is possible?" Kurt asked sarcastically.
"Never, Lady. Never." Santana grinned.
Aubrey rolled her eyes as she opened the door carefully. "Aub, you didn't say what your plan is." Kurt told his friend.
"Chill Obe Won Gay, you will know soon enough. Layla just needs to get to know Santana first."
"Obe Won Gay, Aub? Really? You are spending way too much time with this bitch right here."
"Is there ever such a thing as too much time with me, Prancy Pants?"
"Yes, pretty much like every second of my life." Kurt snipped back.
"You love me. I'm the pea to your pod. The penis to your other penis." Santana began as she wrapped her arm around his waist as they walked into the house.
"Santana?" Kurt deadpanned.
"Yes, my love."
"Shut the fuck up."
"Whatever you say, dear." She replied with an eye roll.
"Hey Laylita!" Aubrey shouted into the seemingly empty house. The only way you would have known someone was home was by the faint sound of the TV upstairs.
"Upstairs!" They heard yelled.
"Come down here for a bit. Kurt's with me and we want to introduce you to someone." She started before whispering to her friends. "This is going to be good."
They heard a soft shuffle of sock clad feet come down the stairs and into living room where the trio was sitting. "Hi Kurt, who's your friend?" She asked as Santana turned her head to meet Layla's gaze. "Oh my God it's her! Aubrey Nicole Anderson – you brought her into my house?"
Santana rose to her feet and walked over to Layla. "Hi Lylah, Aubrey has told me so much about you! I'm so happy to meet you." She stated with a faux excitement to her voice. Santana watched as Layla stuttered over her words before wrapping her into a tight hug. She quickly pulled back and decided it was now or never. "I also heard that your husband was a fan of mine. When I found out that my new friend here was his little sister, well, I just had to look my best and come right on over."
"Why I never! How dare you come into my house and disrespect me like that?" She exclaimed. She was so lost in her anger at Santana that she didn't even notice Kurt and Aubrey silently laughing into their hands on the couch, Aubrey completely forgetting about whatever plan she may have once had.
"Oh no disrespect. Please believe me. I just had a proposition for you; a onetime offer that I'm sure you won't want to miss. I mean, it's not every day that people have the opportunity to get all of this in their bed." She said motioning towards her body with her hands.
"Oh hell no. There will be no back-alley trollop with a fake ass Brooklyn accent disrespecting me in my house. I don't care who you are. I will not – nor will my husband – be sleeping with you. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Aubrey and Kurt were not even trying to hold in their laughter anymore as they slumped into each other, holding their ribs. "'Fake ass Brooklyn accent' she says. That's priceless." Kurt choked out in just above a whisper to his friend.
Santana was feeding off of the reaction she was getting like a fire to oxygen. It took her everything she had in her not to laugh along with her friends. "I'm sorry, but I think you misunderstood me-" She began just as the door opened. For a moment she panicked thinking that Cooper was home already. Thankfully it was only Blaine.
"Hey guys, what's going on? What's wrong Layla?" He inquired walking over to Kurt to kiss the man with the tear stained face, flushed from laughter.
"I'll tell you what's wrong-"
"You were just in time for my proposition Blaine. I was just offering this beautiful woman a once in a life time chance to go to bed with me." Santana promptly cut her off.
"Wait, what?" Blaine was so lost, but figured it had to be some kind of joke just by looking at the state of his boyfriend and sister. Layla was so complete unaware. Santana is good.
"You little slut!"
"Now, now, now. There's no need for name calling. That is reserved for the Fruity Pebble twins over here." Layla's mouth dropped open with shock as their, now three, spectators laughed hysterically in the background.
"What is so funny you assholes?" She demanded and they were sure that steam was about to shoot out of her ears.
"I think you misunderstood my offer. I just said bed with you. I never said anything about sex. Actually, I think Young Burt Reynolds over here would be perfect for my offer as well."
"Wait, what? I am so lost." Layla responded, finally starting to calm down due to her immense confusion.
"Come sit down young crazy one." Santana motioned for her to come over to the couch where her friends were sitting comfortably, Santana having won Layla over in the slightest by calling her young. Hey – Don't judge her, when you are over thirty you eat the 'young' comments like it's the end of the world. Aubrey was tucked into the corner, Kurt right next to her, with Blaine sitting on his lap. After the two sat down Santana began to speak once more. "Well your sister here told me that you're husband's an ass." Layla nodded in confirmation. "So, they enlisted my help to give him a taste of his own medicine. Hence my proposition. Oh yeah, and about all that earlier – sorry, you just made it too easy." She said with a sharp laugh.
"Yea, well, what do you have in mind?"
"Well, it started with just you and me in bed, but I think Blainers McFairyPants over here would be perfect for it."
"Um, okay. I can get down with this idea. He's going to be home soon, so what exactly did you have in mind?"
"And how am I getting involved in this?" Blaine inquired from his perch on Kurt's lap.
"Come upstairs all, lead me to the boudoir."
The five went upstairs and into Layla and Cooper's room. "Okay here's what we're going to do." She began as she stripped off her dress, just leaving her bra and panties on. She kicked off her shoes and threw the dress haphazardly onto the floor. It had to look convincing after all. "Strip you two. At least your shirts anyway. Aubrey is going to go downstairs and wait for Cooper to get home. She'll tell him where to find us. Lady you hide somewhere."
Blaine and Layla looked at each other completely confused, but quickly chucked off their shirts and shoes and hopped in the bed when they heard the garage door opening. What's the fun in life if you don't go with the flow? Right? Aubrey turned and quickly ran downstairs. Santana pushed Kurt into the closet and shut the door most of the way.
"Really Santana you're pushing me in the closet?"
"Hmm, you're right, you never were one for closets. Now shut it."
Kurt grumbled but kept quiet as she jumped in the bed, straddled Blaine and pulled the covers over them. Kurt forced back a laugh at the look of discomfort on his boyfriend's face. He had no poker face and he now knew why he wasn't an actor.
Downstairs Cooper comes flying into the door throwing his keys onto the mail desk calling out for his wife. "Oh hey Aub." He said when he saw her sitting in the living room.
"Hey Coop."
"Where's Layla?"
"Oh she's upstairs in the bedroom. She said something about taking a nap."
"It's quiet in here, I see Blaine's car in the driveway, where is he?"
"Oh probably in his room having phone sex with his boyfriend."
"Hmm. Well I'm going to go find her, if you hear the bed rocking, don't come knocking."
"Eww."
Cooper just chuckled and began heading up the stairs, Aubrey quickly following behind him. "Why are you following me?" Cooper asked his sister.
"Going to get my purse from my room. I mean if all I'm going to hear is moans coming from various rooms in the house, I'm leaving."
Cooper just shrugged and continued his journey up the stairs but stopped short when he heard a noise.
"Oh, fuck, just like that." A moan he didn't recognize filled the air.
"What the fuck? Blaine has a girl in his room?"
Aubrey looked at the taller man with wonderment. Holy shit, he really is an idiot. "Um Coop, that's not coming from Blaine's room."
"Oh course it is, who else would have someone else in the bedro-" His thought process stopped suddenly and he raced for his bedroom door, throwing it open.
The sight before him had him momentarily lost for words. There, in his bed, was his wife, his brother and oh my fucking god the yeast commercial girl. The beautiful girl was on top of his brother, but leaning over like she was going to kiss his wife. What the actual fuck?
"What the actual fuck?" He shouted, causing all three to jump.
"It's not what it looks like!" Layla cried, attempting to cover herself with the duvet.
Cooper completely ignored her. "Blaine! How could you?" He choked out. He almost sounded heartbroken.
"Coop, I-" Blaine felt horrible for this and was going to admit the whole thing right then and there but Cooper cut him off.
"No Blaine, how could you do this to Kurt?"
All three in the bed looked at him with jaws dropped. Even Santana lost her satisfied smirk. "Wait? What?" Blaine managed to bite out.
"I mean shit Blainers, I knew that you could get any woman you wanted to – and I must commend you on the choice here, these are two fucking beautiful woman – but how could you do this to Kurt? You can't just say you're gay, cause a good guy to fall in love with you, and then fuck your brother's wife. That's not cool." Kurt sat in the closet, head cocked to the side, he had no idea what was going on anymore.
"And as for you Layla – if you wanted to have a threesome, you could have let me know. I'd totally be down for that. And, finally helllloooooo nurse. You are absolutely beautiful. I don't believe I've had the pleasure of making your acquaintance." He said as he held out his hand for Santana.
Everyone sat there dumbstruck. Was Cooper actually okay with this?
"I'll be downstairs if anyone wants coffee." He said as he walked out of the room staring directly at Aub, who's mouth was agape. He smirked at her and turned around again at the three who were still frozen from shock. "Oh, and by the way Blainers. If you get any denim ink of my thousand count thread sheets – I will kill you." He started down the hall and towards the stairs laughing. "You'll have to do better than that if you want to trick me. You can't fool THE MASTER!" He shouted as all five friends groaned.
I hope you enjoyed their antics. The plot will return soon. But these kids just do some crazy shit. PS I hope to update Dream City in the next week or so, I'm just working a lot - you know.
Shout out to Britt Britt - she's the Gus to my Shawn
PS - you get all the points if you catch the Roseanne and Animaniacs references. The Psych one was obvious :)