Helen couldn't believe the overnight change. It was about time the Order of the Self-Frying Chicken finally got off it's ass. The best part, the absolutely best part, was that those who were finally showing signs of being something other than mindless sheep had stayed, while the rest had moved to the Hog's Head tavern. Dumbledore had tried to keep the Order together, but sadly Molly Weasley's harpy voice had made their point clear.
Either Helen goes, or they split the Order into two factions.
So the sheep went to Hogsmeade to conduct their meetings, where nothing actually got done with the information Snape supplied, while those who planned to give Voldemort hell stayed at Grimmauld.
Much to the fury of Molly, the twins stayed with Sirius and the others. Ginny was forced to leave because she was a minor, and Hermione, in a show of solidarity went with her. Thankfully Ron also went.
Helen, because she was the only person in the house who knew how to cook without poisoning everyone or 'pulling a Crowley', ended up being delegated as the official chef of the house.
One bite, and they all agreed that the change was welcomed. Molly Weasley was decent, but Helen was an artist. She didn't do deep fried and under flavored.
The irony was that once the sheep were gone, they found themselves with the oddness that was a cooperative Helen Crowley.
The second Molly Weasley and Hermione left, Helen quit wearing her scandalous outfits and started wearing t-shirts with outrageous sayings and jeans that went down to her knees.
Sirius had been dumbfounded...at least until Helen explained the real reason she wore those outfits.
It was all one big prank on people who believed in first impressions... people like Molly, Hermione, and pretty much every wizard-born or raised person. Sirius had laughed, but it was pretty clear to Remus and Snape he was glad that Helen could dress like a normal teenager and not, as Hermione had so bluntly called her, a two-knut whore.
Even if he did look a mite irritated at the shirt Snape now wore every time he came to the 'New' Order of the Phoenix that proclaimed he was "Bigger that Black". Remus had his own shirt that made him snicker.
"I Invented Doggy Style."
He really needed to find out where Helen kept finding those hilarious shirts.
"Sooo. I heard you got yourself a motorcycle," said Sirius.
He would jump at any chance to connect with his goddaughter...even a small one.
"A classic Harley Davidson with all the original fittings. Bright cherry red with hellfire black, the gas is for show...the entire thing is possessed by the soul of a hell hound that died and is bound to the frame. About the only thing it doesn't do is fly, unfortunately."
Sirius grinned.
"Would you like it to?" he asked.
"No more having to drive directly over water? You bet your ass I would!"
Finally, finally something to bond over! The two spent a good two hours enchanting the bike so that it could fly, and to increase it's already impressive defenses.
Unlike Johnny Blaze, Helen's bike was more than passingly sentient. Hers could maul people if in the right mood. She affectionately called the hellhound spirit bound to the frame Dante. Both as a reference to Dante's Inferno and the movie Dante's Peak, which was a fictional recreation of the Mt. Saint Helen eruption.
Considering all of her hounds had names referencing either hell or something similar (Hermes was based off the Hellsing manga, considering the spell Alucard used to release his full power, and Hermes the god, who was known to take messages to the Underworld), no one batted an eye towards it.
"UGH! What is this tripe?" she said, looking at one of the books on the list.
"What is it?"
"Some crappy defense book. I've heard of the author...guy was a total pansy who shit himself at the mere thought of being near a demon. Some of the lower ones went to visit him for shits and giggles," said Helen.
Sirius snickered. Once you got past the "TOTAL BITCH!" shield, Helen was actually a nice girl and rather sweet to be around. She just hated idiots to the point she kept people at a distance.
"Now, who wants to be my newest bitch... I mean happy test subject?" she asked.
"For what?" asked Bill.
"Cooking, obviously," she said.
"ME!" came the duo responses of the twins.
They would later regret being so quick to volunteer when they learned the hard way Helen also put 'potions' under her definition of cooking. Snape had blackmail pictures he planned to threaten the twins with during the year to get them to back the hell off of him.
The subject today? Humiliating prank potions, up to and not excluding the gender-switching potion.
She still feed them, but the twins had to endure the laughter of their older brothers, the Marauders and the evil cackling of their usual victim, Professor Snape.
"What do you want Rita?" asked Helen bored.
"Stories girl! I need something to feed the masses!"
"What about Dumbledore?"
"I would need something truly shocking since that last article you gave me came out."
Who knew people would throw such a fit about Albus Dumbledore and Grindlewald being former lovers and that the entire Dark Lord thing had been the result of a massive lover's spat?
"I would say Fudge, but since they threw him out he hasn't been such an amusing target anymore. What about the Malfoy clan?"
Rita looked intrigued.
"What do you have in mind?"
"Well from what I remember, Malfoy is a French pure blood clan. Why not dig up why they left France to begin with and then tell everyone? Should be interesting enough...not to mention scandalous if Fleur refuses to say anything."
Fleur was still on friendly terms with Helen, so long as the snark and bitchiness were kept to a minimum. The fact Helen had introduced her to Bill had nothing to do with it. Nope, nothing at all.
"You'll let me take my demon bodyguards with me, right?" asked Rita nervously.
"Rita, Rita, Rita... what would be the point of sending you to France if you weren't about to humiliate Malfoy by airing their dirty laundry? I still have a use for you after all. Of course I'm sending the guards with you."
Sirius took one look at the headline of the Prophet (as did the other Weasley males) and started cackling (or laughing in the case of the others).
Malfoys: Pure Blood royalty or Disgraced French line?
We all know the Malfoys. Some of us have seen one at some point, whether it's Lucius at the Ministry or Draco at Hogwarts. But is there really any substance the hype they spew about their family name?
This reporter was determined to find out...and the truth was far more scandalous than would be believed!
Investigating the Malfoy family took this reporter to the outskirts of France, deep into the pure blood society. Most pure blood families were reluctant to speak of the Malfoy clan, while others refused to even acknowledge it's existence.
Finally after a month of searching, this reporter hit pay dirt.
The Malfoy family, while indeed being from a long line of pure blood witches and wizards, is not in fact a noble line as it claims. In fact, it was once even lower in the ranks than the English family known as the Weasleys! So poor that they could barely afford a wand, let alone a house elf.
So how did a once weak (and extremely destitute) French pure blood line suddenly jump through the ranks?
The answer, appalling as it might seem, lies in what happened two hundred years ago, shortly before they fled to England and changed their family name.
There is a small French clan of Veela who once took pity on the then small Malfoy family and had them act as servants. One of the Veela had a beautiful daughter (who's name has been withheld at the request of the clan) who was betrothed to another. However, one of the men from the Malfoy family was in lust over the girl.
One night, he killed the girl's betrothed, and kidnapped her. When the family finally located her, she was pregnant with the child of the Malfoy line and clearly cursed to be loyal. Distraught, they cast the child out and reclaimed the daughter, who was promptly obliviated to spare her further trauma. She later remarried, but the Malfoy clan was immediately cast out of the French magical society and nearly killed off for the betrayal. The child was taken by the Malfoys.
Upon reaching England, most of the clan became thieves and stole the hard-earned gold of other clans until they bought their way into our noble society. However the betrayal of the Malfoy clan remained, and thus they were named 'Bad Faith'.
One must wonder if this habit of theft, lies and betrayal has ever bred out, or if this clan of 'bad faith' wizards has become better at hiding their true nature.
For an extended version of the Malfoy lineage, Page four.
For more on their clan history in France, page six
By Rita Skeeter
Lucius was pissed, Draco was furious...and Narcissa? Well she couldn't be happier to be a Black.
Finding out this tidbit of the Malfoy family history was news to her. But once she had it confirmed, she did something that would have Lucius seething even more.
She immediately demanded a divorce, citing that he had married her under false pretenses. The Black family had only agreed to the marriage because they had thought the Malfoys were from a long noble French line. Finding out they had merely bought their way into English nobility was more than enough for her to dissolve her farce of a marriage.
To be fair, she hated Lucius anyway.
As if telling the world the true history of the Malfoy family wasn't damaging enough, the fact Narcissa had dissolved her marriage with Lucius had really caused a stir. Draco was still a Malfoy, but he had lost any claim he might have had to the Black Family fortune.
And with it, a good chunk of his power in Slytherin house.
Sirius didn't know whether to be amused by this development, or horrified.
Amused, because Narcissa agreed to make her former husband's life hell in exchange for being allowed to live in Grimmauld place...or horrified because she had struck an unholy alliance with Helen, who promptly used the amused Black to give Rita more things to research and expose to the light of day.
Narcissa had all but adopted Helen as a daughter, citing she was more of a Black than Draco could ever hope to be. The weird thing was that her adopted father had agreed to it, once Helen summoned him to explain what was going on.
Sirius wished he could be surprised that Narcissa was immediately charmed by a demon with an English accent and vindictive personality. But sadly, he wasn't. Fergus Crowley was like a Cockney and infinitely more dangerous Black, just without the magical heritage. They got along like a kitchen on fire.
Though it wasn't until her adopted father nearly burnt down the house (via the kitchen) that he finally found out why Helen called burning the house down as 'Pulling a Crowley'.
If Narcissa ended up with a bloody demon, he would not be surprised. She was as conniving and vindictive as one.
Helen was cackling. She was going to test out the flight capabilities of her bike, and at the same time give whoever was stupid enough to assign that book a scare.
She recited the pass phrase she made up so that the bike could manifest in full Rider form without having to wait for night. Her own blue flames came to life the moment she was on the bike's seat.
"The Hound of Dante is my name, Dancing in flames to pretend I'm tame. May all who thrive in the false light, cower now in the presence of my sight."
Parents and children alike hit the deck when they heard the roar of the bike and the hound. Beside her, all four hell hounds went into pursuit mode, only they didn't bother to remain invisible.
As the train left the station, the bike and the hell hounds kept easy pace with it, streaming hell fire and destruction in their wake.
The students all crowded to watch the passing of the Mage Rider, as many had forgotten Helen could be much, much more dangerous if she cared to be.
Most stared in awe at the sight of the metallic hound and it's Master. Helen's cackles were heard through the night as she rode her new ride right past the gates and to the staff table. She skidded to a halt just shy of the staff table, and to the shocked horror of the current Defense teacher, a Ministry toady by the name of Umbridge, dissolved her Rider form revealing her scandalous outfit. Yes, it covered the important parts, but it also revealed far too much skin in the opinion of the adult women.
Helen gleefully took her seat at the Ravenclaw table as the students finally started to pile in. Her 'bike' roared as it shrank into a charm bracelet that looked like a hell hound biting it's own tail.
Best way to start the year ever.
Helen took one look at Delores Umbridge, and hated her on sight. The woman wore the most garish pink color in existence and from the moment she spoke, treated the entire school like it was full of naughty five-year-old children that needed firm discipline and several punishments to keep them in line.
For the first time since her arrival, Helen Crowley and the entire student population were on the exact same side. This woman would have to go, Ministry pawn or not.
The moment they returned to the Ravenclaw dorms, Helen addressed her fellow Ravens.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new enemy in Hogwarts. I don't care what that woman said, we are not allowing the Ministry to promote such nonsense in this school! Especially not when we're supposed to be prepping for our exams!"
Cho Chang, the Head Girl of Ravenclaw, looked at her.
"And why should we listen to you? She might actually be competent."
"Have you actually read the book she assigned? Anyone who thinks that piece of trash is acceptable to teach Defense needs to have their head examined. The man who wrote it is so terrified of demons that the lower-ranked hell spawn have a habit of 'visiting' him for laughs and training purposes!"
Several Ravenclaws grimaced. Some had read the book and wondered who had assigned such nonsense.
If need be, Helen would beg Narcissa to take over Defense, if only so she wasn't bored out of her damn mind!
After the first class, the entirety of Ravenclaw (from second year upwards) stood united against Umbridge. They would not let such a travesty towards learning continue. Even if it meant siding with Helen.
Within a month, every other house joined her banner.