Ronnie could feel eyes upon her, boring into her. Looking up from her daughter, Ronnie turned her head towards the door and saw her little sister stood behind it. Catching her eyes, she shook her head; a simple gesture, but one that conveyed the utter helplessness she felt at that moment. Danielle had said nothing more to her than the words 'I can't', and then she had broken down. She hadn't screamed and shouted; she hadn't forced Ronnie to leave. But now she sat in silence on her bed, head in hands, knees pulled to chest. The foetal position, almost.
What could she do now? The desire to pull Danielle into a maternal embrace almost overwhelmed Ronnie. She wanted to hold her baby, she wanted Danielle to wrap her fingers in a fist around her hand and squeeze tightly, as she had done 19 years before. But Danielle was not a baby any more. The Danielle that Ronnie knew now was a broken teenager. She was an adult.
Ronnie was sure Danielle wouldn't be ready to receive that hug from her mother for a long while, so for now she made do with rubbing a shaking Danielle's back. She was thankful, even surprised, that Danielle was letting her do this at all; moments ago she had recoiled from the simple touch of a hand. As she did so, Ronnie tried with all her might to sooth Danielle's misery, whispering words of warmth and encouragement, but she was almost certain Danielle would neither hear them nor take any notice.
Much to her surprise, however, after only a few short minutes Danielle lifted her head from its position nestled between her legs, revealing patches of salty tears upon her hospital gown. Ronnie's heart skipped; maybe Danielle would listen, maybe she did believe her, she thought, for a brief second.
Looking up at her mother, her eyes wide with fear, Danielle mustered up all the strength she could, "I have to go back", she whispered.
"Back where, Danielle?" Ronnie probed with caution; the tension in the room could've been cut with a knife. Ronnie was hoping that Danielle would not speak the very words she had been expecting all day, but Danielle simply hoped that Ronnie would listen to her words and understand why she had to say them; that she would leave her alone, not make this any more difficult for either of them.
"Home", Danielle replied, looking away from Ronnie as if ashamed to speak her final words, "To Telford".
Ronnie's heart fell. Of course, it was perfectly acceptable that Danielle would react this way. Ronnie hadn't expected Danielle to welcome her with open arms; she hadn't expected sweetness and light, swings and ice creams in the park. Of course, it had always been quite likely that Danielle would choose to leave her behind, that she wouldn't want to get to know her as mother; after all, Ronnie had made it quite clear she didn't want Danielle as a daughter. But, that was before she knew.
Despite all of these almost certainties, Ronnie was heartbroken. She wanted Danielle's acceptance so much. It's strange, the way the tides can turn.
"Of course", she replied, stifling yet more tears. "If that's what you want"
"It is what I want" Danielle said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I just can't"; they were not malicious words, simply those of a broken woman. A woman with no choice but to leave behind her the one thing she wanted more than anything else in the whole world.
Was it a lie, Danielle asked herself? Or was she just protecting herself? Surely, when a lie is a shield, it isn't really a lie?
"I should…" Ronnie didn't finish, she didn't want to say the word 'leave'; it seemed so final. Instead, she gestured towards the door, reluctantly removing her hand from Danielle who shook a little less now. She seemed to have regained her composure. Ronnie felt like she was going in the other direction, beginning to fall apart.
"Will you…stay", Danielleventured; her words were quiet but Ronnie heard loud and clear.
"Of course I will", a smile spread across Ronnie's face. She was so confused, Danielle was so up and down, but she wanted to savour every second with her daughter. These may be the last in a long time. Ronnie sighed, remembering how she had thought the very same thing a few hours before. This time, however, the bittersweet exchange that she had just had with Danielle confirmed that this really was her last chance.