Chapter 14: Sweet memories
*'*
"Kankuro, what do you want?"
"You."
Kiba had pushed him on the mattress to lay him down on it. Kiba was kissing him senseless. He was dominating the older man in every way. He had Kankuro's writs pinned over his head with one of his hands, the other was scratching Kankuro's flesh, ready to devour him. He had lost control. But Kankuro didn't stop him, he was just trying to keep up with him, responding to each kiss like he always had.
Kiba could feel how hard his own cock was. When he swallowed another of Kankuro's whispers, he found the strength to hold back. Kiba moved his head away a little to be able to look at his boyfriend who still had his lips parted, asking for more. Damn, he wanted him so fucking much.
"Kankuro... If you don't tell me to stop now, I will not be able to stop." Kiba said with a raspy voice.
"I don't want you to stop."
"Really?"
"Yes." Kankuro laughed, but it felt a little forced, but Kiba couldn't hear the difference at the moment. He was too much occupied with ravishing his lips once more.
Kiba was kissing him hungrily and put away the last piece of clothes they had on themselves. Kankuro was even more beautiful than he thought. His cheeks were slightly red, his mouth opened as he was panting hard. His torso was perfect. His cock was so hard, it was already leaking precum. How many times he had dreamed of tasting it?
"Do you have any lube and condoms?" Kiba's voice was so full of needs, he wanted to eat him now, but he couldn't if Kankuro didn't have anything. As he never planned on things going like this, Kiba didn't carry any of these things since he was involved with Kankuro.
"Y-yes, in the nightstand" Kankuro showed him, swallowing hard. It was really happening. He was finally going to have sex with someone. Someone that cared about him. So why was it feeling so wrong?
He closed his eyes and tried to push those thoughts away. The nauseous feeling he had was just because he was a little stressed by this new situation. Like this, Kiba will never think of being with someone else. He will finally be satisfied. And who knows, maybe sex was going to feel good.
His entrails turned upside down. He gripped the sheets under him. He wanted to go away from this bed, from this room. But he had to stay. He had to. For Kiba.
"Kankuro..." Kiba' voice made him ease a little. The young man put him on his stomach and the vulnerability of this position made him want to cry. "It will be less painful like this. I want you to feel good. Tell me if you want it differently."
His hands creased the sheets as he just nodded negatively. Kiba knew what he was doing. It was going to be okay.
It was going to be okay.
He felt one of Kiba's fingers against his entrance. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, preparing himself for the pain and uneasiness that were going to happen. But it didn't hurt all, all thanks to the lube and Kiba's tenderness. Kiba's teeth were biting slightly this area in his lower back that made him go crazy last time and he relaxed instantly. When one of the fingers rubbed his prostate, he let out a small cry of surprise. When the young man done it again, a weird sensation spread into his body. It made his mind blank and he spread his legs a little more. He wanted to feel it again and he moved his hips to meet Kiba's fingers.
"Does it feel good?"
"Y-yes... Fuck, it's weird..." Kankuro mumbled, moving faster now. "Fuck, Kiba... Kiba..."
"Do you need something?"
Kankuro looked at him, not able to respond. He couldn't say that he wanted him. It was too embarrassing and scary. He moaned softly when Kiba's removed his fingers. He could hear the sound of a condom being open and put on Kiba's erection. He couldn't look at it. He was acting like a virgin. Well, he was one, but he didn't like to be like that. He wanted to be confident and charm Kiba to make him crazy, but now he was just trembling a little, wondering what was going to happen, even though he had a pretty good idea of it. Was it going to hurt?
"Kankuro..." Kiba was stroking his hair and he turned his head to face him,"can I make love to you?"
Kankuro blushed hard and nodded vigorously before hiding his face in the sheets. He was happy they were doing it in this position. He didn't want Kiba to see how embarrassed and clueless he was about all this.
When Kiba positioned himself behind him, he felt so vulnerable. He didn't know what to think about it, but he didn't want to give up to his fear. To the weird sensation that was screaming in his entire body.
It was going to be okay.
It was Kiba who was touching him.
When Kiba's erection pressed against his orifice, the weird sensation became much stronger. He didn't know if he wanted to go on anymore. It didn't feel right.
It didn't feel right at all.
The hands of Kiba on his waist, the feeling of his cock making his way through him, he felt nauseous. He closed his eyes hard. He could feel something opening in his mind. But it wasn't the time. He didn't want to remember it.
Not now.
He opened his eyes and he wasn't in a bed anymore. A closet? Panic seized him. The door opened, cries raised and he couldn't get out of there. He was trapped. He just wanted to mess with her a little, nothing more. He didn't want to look, but he was paralyzed. He didn't want to hear. The sound of the belt, of ripping clothes, it was too much.
He was in public bathroom now. Someone was touching him everywhere. But he didn't want to. He didn't want that.
It was terrifying.
It was disgusting.
It felt like he couldn't breath anymore.
"Kankuro?! What's wrong? Talk to me, please!"
He inhaled hard and he was once again in his room. His body was so tense it was a miracle his muscles didn't crack. He was biting his lips so hard he was bleeding and tears were falling on the sheets. He was tirelessly saying no. His body was trembling and he finally fell on the mattress.
Kiba was lost. Something was obviously really wrong and he was scared it was because of him. Seeing Kankuro like this broke his heart and made him angry. Why did he let his hormones overtook over him? He should have said no. Fuck, he was so angry at himself!
But it wasn't the right time to feel like this. He wanted Kankuro to calm down. He put a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder but he was immediately rejected. Kankuro's eyes were still closed, he was still saying no over and over again, there was blood in the corner of his mouth.
"Kankuro, open your eyes... Please, listen to me."
He saw the older man half-opening his eyes and Kiba cupped his cheek gently.
"Kiba? I'm... Sorry, I just can't... It's... I'm feeling sick, I-" Kankuro couldn't finish his sentence he got up quickly and ran to the toilets.
When nothing came, Kankuro just sat down and tried to catch his breath. After a few minutes, his breath was finally normal and he recalled Kiba was here. How was he going to face him? He didn't quite understand what happened. The memory that got back to his mind was atrocious. Why now? When he was almost losing the only person that made him feel good in his fucking life?
"Kankuro? Can I come in?"
How would Kiba want him now? It was impossible for him to be this intimate. As he didn't respond, his boyfriend opened the door and squatted down.
"You sure you want to stay in here? It's not very comfortable. Come back to bed, you need to rest."
Kiba got up and offered him a hand he finally took. He let Kiba bring him to the bed, put the blanket on him and took him in his arms.
Kiba was stroking him over the blanket, not knowing what to do.
"I'm so sorry..."
"Don't be. I went too far. You don't have to force yourself to make me happy. I don't care about sex, all I want is you to be okay and happy."
Kankuro moved closer to the young man and rest his head on his chest.
"Are you really okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"With what I give you? You need... You need s-sex and..."
"Wait a minute... Did you even want to do this, Kankuro?" Kiba asked angrily. Kankuro just hid under the blanket. "Oh my God... Kankuro, why? Why?!"
But he had no response at all. His boyfriend was trembling again. It wasn't the time for a fight or being angry.
How did Kankuro become like this? Why did he think he had to force himself into sex for him? Did he give him the impression he needed it that bad? How Kankuro became so afraid of sex? He knew now it wasn't a lack of desire at all. Kankuro was hard a few minutes ago and clearly enjoyed having Kiba playing with his prostate. Kankuro desired him two weeks ago when they kissed at the party and he heard how he was excited by his touch. Kankuro wanted him. He was sure of it.
So, why...?
"Kankuro, did... Did anyone ever...?" His heart was racing so fast, Kiba thought he was going to die. He was so stupid. He couldn't just ask things like that. Why did he have to open his mouth? Why wasn't he smart once in a while?
"No. Well, a guy tried, once. He had to go to the hospital after that."
It wasn't a pleasant memory. But when Kankuro had been pinned on a wall, hands in his pants, he had lost it. When he had snapped out of it, two of his friends were holding him back and the guy was in a pool of blood. It was at this moment he knew he had the chance of being a rich boy. The incident had been quickly dismissed and the whole story was over. It happened when his father couldn't get out of hospital anymore and everybody had thought it was because of it. The poor little son saddened by his the idea of his sick father. The one that couldn't even remember who he was every time he came to see him in his hospital room. He had just hoped he would just fucking die.
"You should sleep now." Kiba said softly, stroking his hair.
"Yeah... I'm sorry..."
"Don't ever be sorry about it. I swear I will punch you in the face in you say that fucking shit again."
Kankuro chuckled and sleep took him immediately after that.
Kiba didn't know what was on his boyfriend's mind, but they will talk about it tomorrow. He needed to understand why Kankuro forced himself like this. He couldn't stand seeing him that hurt. It was unbearable.
"I love you..." Kiba whispered in his ear and Kankuro groan slightly in his sleep, coming closer to Kiba.
The young man didn't have the strength to tell him out loud when he was awake yet, but he knew that soon he would not be able to keep it to himself.
He hoped that for now, it would keep his nightmare away.
*'*
When Kankuro woke up at 8 in the morning, he felt strangely good and determined. He knew what he had to do.
He had to see Temari.
He felt Kiba's moving against him. He smiled and stroke his hair. He really was beautiful when he was sleeping. He was peaceful. He leaned towards the young man and kissed his cheek. If he was fast enough, he will be home before he will wake up.
He knew that Kiba will want to talk about what happened. He always wanted to talk when things were getting out of hands. He always wanted him to be okay. Him to be happy. Why had he been so stupid? Kiba was only seeing him. The way he looked at him every time they were together. He could put a word on it. But not now.
Now he had something to do.
*'*
He pushed the ring bell, but he didn't hear any sound. All he could hear was his heart, beating so wildly in his chest, he had the impression he could see his thorax move.
What was he going to tell her? How much he regretted everything? How he should have protected her? That he was so sorry he will never let himself be completely happy?
When the door opened, he froze. He couldn't say a word to Sakura, who looked at him worriedly. She took his arm and gently, she brought him in the living room.
Temari wasn't there. Was he too early? After all, it was Sunday, she was pregnant. Of course she was still asleep. He felt so stupid. He always had been so stupid. He sat on the couch and took his head in his hands. What was he going to say? He had to find something. Anything.
"What's happening?" Temari's voice made him almost faint. He still didn't know what to say. He wasn't ready. He shouldn't be here. He should have stayed home and pretend that nothing happened. To forget.
He let out a small chuckle. He wanted to run away. Again. Like he always did.
"I don't know, he didn't say a word when I opened the door. He doesn't look well." Sakura's concerned could be heard in her voice.
"If Kiba did some shit, I'm going to fucking kill him. I'm not in the mood today. I want to smash something and if it has to be him, I will do it."
"He didn't do anything." Kankuro's voice was wobbly. His mouth was dry. He couldn't even look at her.
"So tell me. I hate seeing you like this. Speak to me." Temari sat next to him, a protective hand on his back circled slowly to calm him. When she saw it wasn't working, she told Sakura to leave them alone. The pink haired woman nodded and went upstairs, letting them in peace. "Kankuro... Please..."
When he finally looked at her, he just opened and closed his mouth. He wasn't able to say any words. His throat was so tight, swallowing was almost impossible. But the look, this look, this loving, tender, worried look.
"I'm so sorry. Temari, I'm so, so, sorry." He was just able to repeat it over and over again, trying not to cry, not to hyperventilate but his breathing was erratic.
"What are you talking about?" Temari frowned. He didn't make any sense.
"I'm so sorry... Please forgive me... I should have protected you, I'm so sorry..." He felt something wet on his fingers. Oh, he was crying now. Temari's face was all blurry. "I'm sorry I didn't have the strength back then..."
"What are you..."
"When Rasa did... When..." but he couldn't say anything else. His voice died when his mouth puked an ugly whine. His nails were so deeply dug in his rib, it should have hurt, but he didn't feel a thing. Nothing except sadness and self loathing. He should have protected her. But all he did was forgetting and behaving as if nothing happened.
Temari had frozen at the name. What was he talking about? Why did he... Fuck.
Fuck.
Why now? Why everything was blowing up now? Why did Gaara choose to make some shit now? Why did Kankuro need to apologize for something she was desperate to forget?
"You're an idiot." Her voice was deep and firm.
"I'm sorry."
"Stop. Stop saying that. I don't blame you. I never did."
Kankuro still didn't faced her and she had enough. She gripped his arm and pulled him into a hard hug. She was crushing him so hard, but he didn't care. It didn't hurt.
"I'm sorry..."
"Shut up."
"So sorry..." He could feel Temari's tears wetting his neck. He made her cry. He was the worst.
"You never know when to shut it, don't you?" She couldn't help but chuckled. They were both grown-ups, crying like children. But they needed it. She knew it. They had to definitively move on. "I forgive you. For everything you think you need to be forgiven."
He relaxed in her sister's arms. He felt tired and lighter. He could just fall asleep right there.
"I love you, Kankuro. I love you so much. Stop thinking it's your fault. It never was. You couldn't do a thing. And it's over now. Everything is over." She closed her eyes and let the final tear drop. "I'm fine. I'm happy, Kankuro. I have you. I have Gaara. I have the most wonderful woman by my side. I will soon have a beautiful baby. I'm happy. I love you. Stop torturing yourself."
They stayed like this a while, without thinking. Kankuro's tears were dry now. Temari still had her arms around him, protecting him. She always had. She had always taken everything in her hand. She always eased his mind. Always.
He felt so much calmer now. The weight he had felt for years was gone. He felt kind of free. Finally.
"I love you too, Temari. You're the best sister ever."
She chuckled and kissed his wet cheek and pulled him in another hug. She took his hand and put it on her belly.
"Do you feel it?"
"Yes! Temari, it's... It's wonderful! Hello little one, it's your uncle Kankuro! I love you! Little one did it again!"
They were like children, smiling and laughing like idiots.
"Babe, come here! The baby is kicking and you can feel it!"
A pink tornado joined them and soon, the three of them had their hands on Temari's shoulder, stars in their eyes.
"Everything is okay with Kiba?" Temari finally asked.
"Yeah... Well, I think I fucked things up..."
"Why?"
"I... Well, we... We tried to..." Kankuro mumbled, blushing.
"You finally became a grown up?" Temari's voice was a bit teasing.
"Temari, sex has nothing to do with being a grown-up." Sakura smacked her on the head softly and Temari stuck her tongue out.
"I couldn't. I... I really reacted badly. I wasn't ready at all."
"Did he stop?" Kankuro could sense that Temari had tensed up all of a sudden.
"Yes, right away. He put me to bed and hugged me until I fell asleep."
"Good. But you didn't fuck anything up. Take your time."
"But what if... What if he got tired of waiting? He's been quite busy lately and... And... What if he got tired of waiting?" Kankuro repeated, depressed.
"Then that's his loss. But I saw how he looks at you, Kankuro. He will not go anywhere soon." Sakura squeezed his hand and gave him a tender smile.
"You really think so?"
"Yes. I look at your sister the same way." Sakura reassured him and he believed her. If Kiba was looking at him like she did with Temari, he was one lucky guy.
"What are you guys doing here?" A sleepy Gaara was on the stairs. His eyes were half closed, his hair was spikier if it was possible and his pajamas was a mess. He never was a morning person. "Something is wrong, Kankuro?" Gaara didn't like the swollen eyes of his brother and he was going to run to him, but he remembered that there was people and that it was Kankuro. He wasn't going to go and hug him to make him feel better. He had a certain reputation.
"No, don't worry. Come here and give me a hug! You're so cute like this! I miss seeing you like this in the morning! My cute baby bro!"
"... I'm going back to bed."
"Nooooo! Come here!" Kankuro ran to him and Gaara tried to escape. But he never reached the top of the stairs, he was already in Kankuro's embrace.
Everything else was forgotten.
Life was so beautiful today.
*'*
He waved his arms to say goodbye before getting in his car. When he looked at himself in the rear-view mirror, he sighed. He looked like shit. His eyes were puffed up and he was pale. But the idiotic grin he had on his face made him look like a crazy person. He couldn't care less, though.
He grabbed his phone and his smile dropped. It was 11 am now and Kiba was very much awake. And very much pretty upset that he had left his flat without saying anything or leaving a note.
Where the fucking fuck are you Kankuro?! And don't you dare not answering me! Why didn't you wake me up?!
I'm heading home. I'm sorry. I'm here in 15 minutes.
Yeah, I hope you will be.
When he arrived fifteen minutes later as he had said, an angry aura greeted him. He took off his coat and slowly walked towards Kiba who was sitting on his couch, hugging his legs. He gave Kankuro a dirty look. He really had pissed him off. Waking up all alone after what happened last night just broke something in Kiba. He had been so worried, anger was now the dominant emotion in him.
When Kankuro sat next to him, he moved away. He didn't want to be too close and the hurt in Kankuro's eyes didn't soft him at all.
"Kiba... I'm sorry, I thought I would be home before you woke up."
"Where the fuck were you?"
"At Temari's and Sakura's place."
"Why?"
Kankuro looked at his feet. Suddenly, the weight that he thought was gone came back hard in his heart. All of his attention was now on his fingers which were scratching his wrists. He didn't know what to say. Or how to say it.
"Has it to do anything with what happened last night?"
"Yes."
"What happened Kankuro?"
"I... Kiba, I just..." Fuck. His eyes were watering again. He had believed so much he was going to be okay now.
Kiba slid next to him and took his hand. "Please. You really scared me. Did I... Did I do something? Did I hurt you? Did I... Did I force you one way or the other?"
"No! No, not at all! You truly didn't! It's me... I said I was ready, but... It's still scares the shit out of me..."
"Why? Why do you think sex is scary?"
Kankuro didn't respond but his eyes were asking Kiba for a hug he was too willing to give.
"I'm sorry. If you don't want to tell me why, it's okay. I can wait. I don't care about sex. Really. A cold shower is actually very good to wake up, you know?"
Kankuro laughed against his neck. "Moron. I think... I know I will want it. I definitely want it. But... It will take time..." He closed his eyes and let the warmth of Kiba lulled him.
"Okay. We will move as slow as you want it to be." Kiba kissed his hair and stroke Kankuro's arm gently.
Maybe it was because he felt relaxed at the moment or because he had talked to his sister, but he wanted to tell Kiba what happened. He deserved it. They were in a relationship. If he didn't say anything to him, there was no point to this.
"My father was a monster." He began to say. "I'm glad he's dead. He was a fucking piece of shit. He hurt us so much... But I also remembered times where he wasn't like this. I remember times when he looked at me, he smiled. Then my mother died. And everything went to shit."
*'*
"Kankuro! Be nice. Sit here!" Temari said to him.
She took his arm and forced him to sit on the hard chair of the hospital. He didn't want to sit, though. He was going to have a baby brother, he wanted to see him. He was so sure he was going to be cute. He wanted to take him in his arms and to play with him.
"Dad, where is mom? Where is my little brother?"
"Be patient, Kankuro." The man smiled at him and ruffled his hair gently.
He and Temari rarely saw their dad. He was working so much, most of the time, it was just him, Temari and their mom. He loved all the time they spend together, but he missed his dad. He wanted him to be home more often, but every time he asked him to, his father always answered that he had to work hard so they didn't lack anything. Even on the weekends, Dad was away. He could tell Mom wasn't happy at all. Even when she smiled, she looked sad but she always smiled at he and Temari. She was always nice. But since she was pregnant, she had often been in hospital. It was difficult and she was hurt, Baki, their father's right hand, told them. He had taken care of them since then.
It wasn't the same. Baki wasn't mean, but not really kind neither. He was mostly boring. He always wanted them to do some work. Temari was in school, but Mom told him he didn't go until next year. He was happy. Like this, he was going to be able to have a lot of fun with his brother. He will give him food, show him the best spot to find bugs and strawberries. And as their were two boys, Temari will not boss him around anymore. He will have an advantage.
A doctor was now talking to Dad. He wasn't looking happy at all. His attitude was hard and he looked angry. He pushed the doctor away and opened the door of their mom's room. Kankuro got up, but Baki prevented him to go further.
This was the day his mother died.
This was the day Gaara was born.
*'*
"Dad... Why is Mom in there?" Kankuro asked, showing the casket where is Mom was lying in. She looked peaceful, just asleep. She was going to wake up soon and she will not understand why she was so many people around her.
Temari was holding his hands. Since Gaara's birth, she had never let go of his hands. "She will not wake up." She said to him, when the silence of their father became too heavy.
"Why?"
"Sometimes, people doesn't wake up."
"Why?"
Temari just squeezed his hands. She didn't seem to know neither. He had heard Baki saying this to her and now she was just saying the same thing. But he couldn't understand.
"I want Mom to wake up."
His father looked at him and it scared him. His eyes were empty. He looked tired and so old. He didn't look like his Dad anymore. It was the first time he had seen him since the day at the hospital. It had been 3 days ago. He wanted to be with him, but he couldn't find him. He wanted to hug him and to hear him say that Mom was going to wake up soon.
Kankuro reached for his hand.
His father pushed him away.
*'*
Their mom never woke up. After a few weeks, Kankuro had understood that she will never come back. He had cried a lot and every time, Temari was there, drying his tears as she was crying too. How many times did Baki find them asleep, him buried in Temari's arms after they didn't have any tears left?
But today, it was going to be okay. He was going to play with Gaara. He hadn't seen his brother a lot. A nanny was now taking care of him. But he wasn't okay with it at all. He was his big brother, he had to take care of his baby brother as Temari was taking care of him.
"Hello Gaara!"
But the baby was asleep and didn't respond. Kankuro poked his cheek, not happy for him staying silent.
"Gaara! It's me Kankuro! Wake up! We have to play! Gaara!"
The baby opened his eyes. It was a two big, beautiful green eyes. Kankuro found him so cute, he kissed his cheek and Gaara opened his mouth as if he was surprised. But a few seconds later, he was crying and Kankuro didn't know what to do. Did he do something? He just wanted to be with him!
"Kankuro! Don't bother your brother like this!" The nanny picked Gaara up and said something about him needing food.
He watched the woman going away and he was upset. Why can't he be with his baby brother? He wanted to be with him all the time. He wanted Temari and Gaara to be with him all the time. Like this, he wasn't going to be alone. And he will not cry anymore.
He followed the nanny into the kitchen and watched her make some weird milk. She tasted it multiple times before deciding it was ready. Gaara was still sobbing and she was rocking him slightly. It worked for a while, but soon, he was crying again, so loud Kankuro had to put his hands on his ears. Once she put the baby's bottle in Gaara's mouth, his baby brother stop every sounds just to happily drink it.
"Do you want to hold the bottle, Kankuro?" The woman asked him, smiling gently.
"Yes!"
The first time was a difficult task. He dropped the bottle often and Gaara cried and Temari came and said she wanted to do it again. She rarely came to see Gaara. She often looked at him strangely, but this day, her cheeks were a little red and a bright smile grew on her lips as she was feeding Gaara. Once their baby brother had fallen asleep, she kissed her forehead.
"You're cute, Gaara. I love you."
"Hey! I love him too! I love him more than you!"
"No you don't, stupid!"
"Temari, don't call your brother stupid!" The nanny said, shocked by her words.
"But he is!"
"No, I'm not!"
"You are!"
"You're mean!" Kankuro cried and ran away from her. She was such a terrible bully when she wanted to.
He hid under his blanket. He had switched off the light and when he heard someone opened his door, he secretly hoped he was his dad, coming to just speak and maybe, if he was lucky, hug him. He hadn't seen him since the time he had seen his mother in a weird bed.
"Kankuro, are you sulking?" Temari asked, sitting on his bed.
He didn't respond and just turned his back. He heard her chuckling and she hugged him tight from behind. "Next time we will play together with Gaara."
"... Okay."
They stayed like this for a while, starting to fall asleep.
"Do you know where Daddy is?"
"No."
*'*
Kankuro looked at Gaara who was walking clumsily in the garden. He had a jar with a cactus in his hands. Gaara loved cacti so he had given him all of his mother's ones. Gaara had smiled so happily, he knew he had made a good decision.
Gaara was running now and what had to happen, happened. He fell on the ground and the cactus thorn was sinking into his flesh. He started crying and Kankuro, as a good big brother he knew he was, run to him.
"It's going to be okay, Gaara. Come with me."
"Kanku, hurt... My hand..." Gaara was trying his best not to cry too much and Kankuro couldn't help but hug him and kiss his hair.
"I'm going to take care of you!"
"Kankuro? Waaah, what happened to Gaara?" Temari yelled, taking his baby brother from him. She was always like that. She always had to be the protective one, all the time.
"Tema, hurt..." Gaara was crying now and Temari patted his head.
"Don't worry, I will heal you!"
Kankuro pouted and follow them into the bathroom. Temari took Gaara's hand and put it under the water and Gaara yelled. Soon, the nanny was here and she looked horrified. "What happened?!"
"He fell and he had a cactus in his hand." Kankuro said.
"Don't put it under water like this! Just get out you two! Stop crying Gaara, just give me your hand. Out, now!"
Temari took Kankuro's hand and closed the door behind them. They sat on the floor, waiting for them to get out. They didn't hear Gaara cry anymore.
"Do you think he's okay?" Kankuro asked her, worried. He loved his baby brother so much. He was just 2 years old and he was so small and cute.
"Yes."
The door opened and Gaara was rubbing his eyes. He had a band-aid on his hand and his eyes were all puffed up. Kankuro just thought he was cuter than ever. And he wanted to hug him, but he didn't want to hurt him.
"Gaara is okay. But don't let him run with a cactus in his hands ever again. Cacti have thorns and it hurts a lot. But Gaara is a strong little boy and he didn't cry much." The woman smiled and stroked Gaara's hair.
Temari got up and Kankuro followed her and they hugged the red head that giggled a little.
"What about watching a movie, now?"
"I want to watch Mulan!" Temari smiled. She was so obsessed with this animated movie. She always said how much Mulan was beautiful and strong and how she wanted to be like her when she will be older.
"I want to watch The Ninja Turtle!" Kankuro whined. She always was the one who chose what they were watching.
"Mulan!"
"Ninja Turtle!"
"What about you, Gaara?" The nanny said to shut the two other siblings up. They were so impossible together.
"Mulan!" The boy smiled and Temari looked so proud.
"Yes! You're the best, Gaara!"
"But I wanted to watch the Ninja Turtles..."
"What about tomorrow?" Temari offered him and Kankuro felt so happy.
"Okay!"
Soon, the three of them were sitting on a couch in their room, under a blanket, the door wide open. Soon, Gaara fell asleep against Temari who kissed his cheek.
"Why are you always the one who has hugs."
"Shhh, you're noisy!"
Kankuro pouted and he heard his sister chuckled.
"Idiot! Come here!"
He got up and came to hug Temari. He was feeling so relaxed now, he could fall asleep like Gaara and Temari. But a shiver rushed into his body as he saw a shadow getting closer. He swallowed hard and tilted his head up to see who it was.
He didn't recognize the man right away. It had been so long since he saw him, he couldn't believe how old he was and how big and strong he looked.
Their father was at the door and when his stare came to Kankuro, the indifference he could see in his father's eyes hurt him in a way he couldn't describe. Then, fear spread in his heart when he saw how their Dad was looking at Gaara.
There was no indifference.
There was no love.
It was pure hate.
*'*
Many years had passed and nothing had really changed. Their father still didn't come back home since the last time Kankuro saw him and the void was a bit heavier each day. He couldn't forget the look their father had when looking at Gaara. And he didn't understand.
Gaara had grew up to be a cute, full of life child. He was 5 now, Kankuro 8 and Temari 10. But the redhead didn't go to school. Apparently, their father had asked for him to be home schooled and a lot of weird man and woman were parading in their house. Gaara would disappear for hours and he was always very tired and sad every time he was getting out of his study room. Every time, Kankuro was waiting for him to come out to play with him.
Temari had become more distant. She was older after all and she didn't want to be always with her annoying little brothers as she always said. But he noticed. He noticed the look on her face sometimes, when she was staring at Gaara.
He asked her once why.
"Dad said he killed Mom."
And since then, he noticed he was avoiding the little red haired boy too. But a part of him always wanted to wait for him to get out of the room to play with him.
One day, their dad came back home. He seemed a lot older and a weird smell came out of him. Baki was still on his side and he didn't even look at his children. He went directly to his room and they rarely see him.
But the atmosphere had changed.
It was heavy. And it scared him.
Temari was more and more cold with them, especially Gaara who couldn't understand why. He often looked at her with wet eyes and she always ignored him. How many times did he have to dry his tears?
But he could feel himself growing detached. Maybe it was the influence of his father and Temari. Maybe he was growing too, and he wanted to be a big boy, without having to watch over his brother. The brother that came the day his mother never came back.
Kankuro didn't remember when it started.
It was a cold night, or maybe his brain put the image like this. But his father was in their big, too big living room, a glass of vodka in one hand, in the dark, mumbling something. He didn't remember why he was awake. Maybe because he heard Gaara woke up, taking something he had kept a secret for a few days.
So he had followed him.
And everything became hell after that.
Gaara had given Rasa a cactus. One Kankuro once gave him, telling him it was their mom's. It was a very, very cute gesture. Every father would have taken it, hugged their sons and tell them how much he loved them and how he was sorry to have been so distant for so long.
But all he remembered was Gaara on the floor, crying, as Rasa had slapped him so hard he had fallen. The cactus was on his brother's body, the pot broken.
It felt like a nightmare when the heart was just pounding like crazy has some shadow were doing some crazy terrifying things. His father was the shadows and he was making some unbelievable things. He couldn't move. He was terrorized.
When his father came to him, he closed his eyes, thinking it was going to be his turn.
But Rasa just walked passed him.
He didn't even look at him.
*'*
Since this infamous day, Kankuro never played with Gaara again. He couldn't really remember why. He was just scared and felt sick every time he looked at him.
His father still ignored him. But for years, he tried to catch his attention with good grades, good behavior, good anything. It never worked. So bit by bit, everything went down. Bit by bit, he was getting angrier and angrier, he was always fighting at schools. His father never came in the principal office. Every time, it was Baki that was there and nothing happened.
But one day, the scary old man was finally here. Kankuro remembered how straight he was on his chair. He was so scared he was going to be yelled at or beaten. He hoped for it.
"You were never nothing less than a disappointment."
He was ten years old.
He never got into a fight before he was 22.
*'*
"Gosh, she's so annoying! She stole my Gameboy again!"
Kankuro was furious. Temari was a pain in the ass. He wanted to play Zelda and he couldn't because she decided she was the one who had to play first. But no, he wasn't going to step back. He always was too nice to her and she was always messing with him.
But now he was 12 and he was big enough to mess with her too. He went to her room and started to look for something to steal.
What about her favorite Teddy Bear? No, it would be too obvious. He wanted to be smarter than this. Something that one day she will need so much and that she will never find.
He went to her closet, opened it and started to search for something. A clothe maybe? He opened a drawer and grabbed something and he let out a little yell. He put it back right there and closed it immediately. It was one of Temari's bra. He wanted to mess with her not giving her the impression he was a perverted brother!
He looked inside another drawer and he was surprised to see a lot of tiny little present. It was all from Gaara. She was less cold with him, but Kankuro would have never bet she was keeping something like this.
She was a lot more tender that she wanted to let them see.
"Shit!" He hissed when he heard some noise coming towards his direction. He couldn't get out of the room. If she found him, she was going to yell at him and he didn't want that. He couldn't win anything against Temari.
The closet was big enough for him to hide for a moment. He just had to pray that she wasn't going to stay hours in her room like she was doing for quite a time now.
He closed the closet on him and curled up to be as small as possible.
What happened next, his brain made him forget for years.
He should have had a fight with Temari.
He would have lost, but it would have been better.
Better than that.
Rasa was there. Temari was crying.
Their moves were disgusting and Rasa was beating her at the same time.
Once he had finished, their father got up and let Temari cry, alone.
She stayed like this for hours.
He didn't remember how he got out.
Temari never knew he was there.
He didn't remember it either until one specific night, sixteen years later.
He always put his hands on his ears at night, without knowing why.
He didn't want to hear anything.
But he didn't know what he didn't want to hear.
*'*
After that, Kankuro knew he was different. He wasn't like the other boys. They were always talking about girls, their bodies, how a certain party of their anatomy was reacting at certain times and he just wanted to puke every time.
He never got erect. He never felt sexual attraction at all. He couldn't understand it. It was strange that people were so obsessed by it. He couldn't get it, but he was okay like this. He just had to lie and said that yeah, that specific girl with big boobs was hot. Even though he didn't quite understand what it really meant. Something in him told him it as disgusting.
He wasn't much at home, though. Rasa got sick not so long ago and most of the times, he was just in his room, working on something and soon, doctors were at home almost everyday.
He didn't feel anything about it. The bastard had been alive too long. But he had to be a good son and pretend to be affected by it, to take care of him even, sometimes. So he was always doing something. He was in every sport club he could, always hanging out with friends. He almost never saw Gaara again. They barely talked. It was the same with Temari. But now she was gone.
She didn't even say goodbye. One day, he just found her room empty and a note on the desk of his own room. To say she was moving with her girlfriend. Mei. The one that was making her cry every night, but the one she was always running to every goddamn time she said she wanted Temari back.
It made him angry. He still loved her even if they weren't close. She was his sister.
A few years later, he went to college and things changed for him. He was still living at home, more or less. He often hanged out with his friends, Deidara and Kisame and often stayed sleeping in their room. It was better than coming home and facing an angry Gaara who could barely say more than three words to him.
Sometimes he remembered how cute and full of life he was when he was a little boy. Now, he had so much in his mind, he never smiled nor seemed happy. He was just surviving in a world that was never kind to him. He was surviving in a home when he had been beaten so many times, his back was still hurting.
But Kankuro didn't want to think about it.
He wanted to forget.
*'*
Kissing someone was definitely strange.
Yûgao had soft lips. It wasn't unpleasant to move his lips against hers.
But it was weird.
And wet.
And he couldn't feel anything. No desire. He didn't even know if he really wanted to do it with her. What was wrong with him? Why wasn't he able to feel desire?
Why?
He broke the kiss and smiled gently at her.
"Come on, we're going to be late."
She took his hand and squeezed it a bit, smiling.
He liked her. Really.
But he really didn't feel anything special with her.
*'*
"What happened between you and Hidan?" Kisame asked his blond friend who was looking annoyed.
"He wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. I want to have a good time, not having blue balls, un." Deidara put the last piece on his piece of art and smiled. "And he's totally drooling over our economy teacher." He took a baseball bat and smashed the weird thing in front of him.
"The fuck, Dei? Why did you do that?!" Kisame yelled at his friend. "Kakuzu Taki, really?"
"Art is ephemeral, it has no purpose if it stays untouched,un" He simply explained. "Yeah, he had a kink for older men. Can't blame him, though, un. Taki is a fucking hotty even though he's old."
"You better clean it up. So, you still have blue balls, then?"
"Shut up!" Deidara smashed the last piece of his art. "Well, aren't you very quiet, Kankuro?"
The brunet was simply reading and didn't listen to them. At least, he had tried. He was feeling tense by the conversation and he wanted to calm himself. He didn't like those types of conversation at all.
"What do you want me to say?" He asked Deidara, not looking at him.
"What about that Yûgao chick you met all the time? Did you two fuck?"
His entrails twisted, but he falsely sighed in annoyance, "She is a friend."
"I saw you two kissed." Deidara retorted.
"Really? Kankuro, why don't you tell me when something interesting happened in your life?" Kisame asked.
"Because you two are annoying. Yes, she's my girlfriend, but I don't want to say anything else. Now, what about cleaning your mess, Deidara?" Kankuro tried to change the subject. He didn't want it to go on forever. He was starting to feel sick.
"He's right, Deidara, do it now!" Kisame handed the blond a broom.
"I don't want to. You do it!"
"You're the one that smashed everything!"
"You're the one that wants it to be cleaned up!"
Kankuro just laughed.
*'*
"Come on Kankuro! Come with us tonight!" Kisame was begging him and Kankuro thought for a second he was trying to look cute so he will say yes.
"It's been a while since I didn't come home. I have to pass."
"You don't like being at home."
"True. But I didn't see my brother in three months now."
"Come one, you're not Itachi, you can live without him."
The raven haired man that was sitting quietly on the bed, reading, lowered his book to look at Kisame, glaring at him. "You have something to say about Sasuke, perhaps?"
"No, of course not!" Kisame smiled and then turned to Kankuro, "you see what I mean."
Kankuro chuckled. It was true that Itachi had a weird brother complex, but Kankuro found it cute. There was a time when he was like this too. He wanted to be like this again, but there was so much between them.
"Kankuro, come with us! Oh Dei, you're back! Kankuro doesn't want to come with us!"
"He will. Or I will blow him up, un."
"You're so funny. Okay, okay, I will come, but I will not stay late!"
"You know you will."
Kankuro rolled his eyes.
He was now at the party, a beer in his hand and he had to admit he had a good time. He loved being surrounded by people. He felt so much energy like this. Currently, he was speaking to a weird but funny guy named Guy. He had weird clothing and hairstyle. He called himself the Jade panther and his boyfriend next to him seemed half awake and desperate every time he opened his mouth, but he also had the tenderest eyes when Gai took his hands, still talking passionately to Kankuro.
Something bothered him though. Uchiha Obito was staring at him since the beginning of the party and he didn't like it. It was a weird look. A look he didn't want to understand.
For years now, he learned to avoid situations he found strange. He never let someone approach him, except Yûgao. They had dated for a few weeks. Or rather, they kissed a few times, it was weird and really not something he was fond of, until one day, she told him she was asexual. He had given her a weird look and she had explained what it meant. They laughed as Kankuro had said after that he was certainly asexual too, as it matched with how it felt on the subject. They stayed in a good relationship, but they naturally grew distant and now, they were just saying hello when they bumped into each other in the college hall.
"Hey, Kanku- OOPS, sorry man, I didn't mean to do it!" Kisame apologized after he had dropped his glass on Kankuro.
Great. He was reeking alcohol now.
"Kisame... I'll be right back." Kankuro sighed as he headed to the restroom.
He took his shirt off and put some water on it. He liked Kisame but damn, the man was clumsy as fuck when he was drunk.
The door of the restroom opened and Obito was there and gave him the same look that made him uncomfortable. Did the guy have a problem with shirtless people? He didn't give him more attention and he was trying to dry his shirt with the hand dryer, hoping he will stink a little less.
And suddenly, he was pinned against the wall, his shirt had fallen on the floor and Obito was attacking his mouth without gentleness. His hands were on Kankuro's chest and he was scratching is flesh. Soon the guy opened his fly and touched his penis.
He saw red.
His mind went blank.
When he came back to his senses, his hands were full of blood, Kisame and Deidara were trying to hold him back and he was panting with so much rage, he couldn't believe what was happening to him.
Obito was on the floor's restroom, unconscious. Itachi were checking if he was okay and nodding when a paramedic said that he had to take him.
It had been years since he hadn't lost control like this.
All he felt was shame and disgust and he locked himself in the toilet and vomit all he had.
The next day, he was in the dean's office, waiting for the Dean to arrive. It had been a while since he had been there. Was he going to be expelled? Was his father going to be here, saying how much of a failure he was? But he was too sick now. He will not be able to say the words. But every time he looked at Kankuro, he was telling him he was.
When the dean was finally here, he sat on his chair and gave Kankuro a serious look. "We know you're not in a good place right now. With your father sick, it must be difficult for you. The Uchiha family will not press charges. They understand what is going on in your mind."
Or they couldn't give a flying fuck about Obito. He wasn't exactly the righteous child, assaulting sexually another person, specifically another man, in the restroom. And something told him it wasn't the first time he was doing it. Fucker.
"And because your father always had been good to us, there will be no mention of this in your file. But this can't happen again."
Kankuro wanted to puke again.
*'*
Come on Kankuro, it's been so long since the three of us spend some times together, you can't say no!
Temari, dad is in hospital. It's serious. I have to be there.
The truth was he was not at ease with the idea of being with her and Gaara. It had been so long since the three of them had seen each other.
He sometimes texted Gaara to know how college was and he had even offered him help when he knew his brother wanted to move in the college dorm. Kankuro could get it. He was finally able to leave this terrible house and Gaara had taken the opportunity. He knew the redhead was going to say no. Maybe that's why he asked him. He was the good big brother whereas he just had an ungrateful baby brother.
And Temari... He didn't really had been in touch with her since she left a few years ago. She suddenly started talking to him, texting and calling a few months ago. He was suspicious at first. He was never truly at ease with her and he didn't truly remember why and she had been so cold for so long. But a part of him was also happy and wanting to reconnect with her. To just lean against her when things were too hard. Like when they were kids. When the three of them were just fine and happy.
He parked in the hospital's parking and stayed inside for a while. It wasn't the first time the hospital had called him to say his father had almost kicked the bucket. But he never truly did.
He walked into the hospital slowly and feeling empty.
"Mr Sabaku? Good evening. Please, follow me in my office."
Ah. Maybe this time, the bastard didn't make it after all.
*'*
"Kankuro! I'm here!" He felt Temari's arm putting him in a powerful embrace but he couldn't respond.
He didn't feel anything anymore. He wasn't even crying.
"Where is Gaara?" He finally managed to ask.
"He... He didn't want to come. It broke him. Don't worry, he's with his friend."
"He has a friend?" Kankuro smiled weakly. What a strange thing.
"Yeah. One that keeps him warm at night... Don't ask now. And stop trying to make me forget about you. Are you okay?"
He pulled away from her comforting embrace. He looked at her a few seconds. She didn't seem that sad. She just seemed concerned. And it irritated him. She had been away for years, just reappeared and she was concerned, now?
"Kankuro?"
"Why the fuck are you here?"
"Because you asked me to..."
"No. Where were you for the past three years? You never seemed to care. You just walked away and Gaara and I were just fucking dead to you. You didn't even call once. It was so much better being with your fucking girlfriend? To let me and Gaara live with him?"
He hoped to see anger, shame, regret, hurt, but she was just calm and honorable. "I shouldn't have left. I know that. But I was eighteen. I was not with the right person. I was weak. I needed to get out of this house." She took his hand and squeezed it. "But I'm here now and I don't want to go anywhere. You're the most important person in my life, with Gaara. I will not make the same mistakes again."
And that was it. He felt something wet on his face and she took him again in his arm.
"It's okay, Kankuro. I will never leave."
"Don't ever disappear again. I will never forgive you if you do it again."
"I won't."
And she never did.
*'*
Gaara was looking through the car's window. It was a weird thing to see him dressed all in black. His eyes were red and the weird tattoo he had got seemed to be redder too. He hadn't said a word since he and Temari found him with his friend. The famous friend that was keeping him warm at night. He chuckled a little. He didn't know why he remembered Temari's word all of a sudden but he felt lighter.
Gaara just glared at him for making some noises and Kankuro thought he was cute like this. But he seemed so hurt, sad and tired, he didn't want to let him alone tonight. Temari was already home. She was really tired. She had taken care of everything. He didn't know how she was that strong. He wasn't like her. She deserved to get some rest.
"Gaara, what about you come to my flat tonight? Like this you will not be alone."
"No."
"I knew you were going to say yes."
"I didn't..."
"Yes, you did."
Gaara just sighed and closed his eyes. He was asleep almost right away and Kankuro smiled. He couldn't let Temari taking care of everything.
He put a hand on Gaara's head and played with his hair gently. He heard him growled in disapprobation and tried to push him in his sleep. He was adorable. How did he forget that?
Temari hadn't been the only one that left. He did too. He let a poor child live with one of the biggest monster the world ever knew.
But he will not let that happened anymore.
He woke him tenderly as they have arrived at Kankuro's flat and Gaara growled once more as he got out of the car and followed his brother sleepily, not saying a word. He couldn't help but hug Gaara tightly.
"Come on, let's go to sleep."
*'*
"Seriously, he said no again? Why?" Kankuro asked Temari, disappointed.
She was now sitting in his office. It was gossip time. They loved gossiping together.
"Well, he has a boyfriend now and he wants to spend some time with him."
"What? Gaara has what now? Oh my God, who?!"
"Naruto." Temari said with a mischievous smile.
"Whaaaaaat? Wait. It kind of makes sense actually."
"Yeah, now they really keep one another warm at night..." Temari laughed at the red Kankuro in front of her.
"Yeah, yeah. I will talk to Naruto. He needs to know he can't hurt my baby bro."
"Oh, I don't think he will. Seriously, they are so in love, it's almost disgusting to be in the same room. Hearts everywhere." She faked some puking, but the happiness on her face didn't fade.
"Well, whatever. I will make him understand."
"You really have a brother complex, huh?"
She kicked him at the back of his head and he yelped and gave her a sulky look.
"You're almost cute like this. Hey, I was wondering, are you okay? You're working a lot lately, do you take care of yourself enough?"
"Yes, don't worry."
"Well, I do. Sometimes, you forget that you're simply human and not Superman. Don't you dare catching anything."
"Yes, Mom."
"Moron."
*'*
"So, we're clear?"
"Yes, Kankuro, we are. I will never hurt your brother or you will kick me in the nuts so hard I will never be able to have children."
"Good. I like you! I'm so happy Gaara found someone! He's an adult now!" Kankuro said with stars in his eyes, looking at Gaara who just wanted to smack his head hard.
"Aha, he's so lucky to have such caring siblings!" Naruto laughed.
Kankuro just smiled slightly. He knew he wasn't the best brother in the world.
But he was going to make this sentence true.
*'*
He was still in Kiba's arm and he could hear Kiba sniffing. He knew the young man had cried many times as he had spoken. He had too. The weight on his chest truly felt lighter now. Maybe it was because he was in Kiba's arms and the warmth coming from his body made him more relaxed and he felt safe.
"I... Care a lot about you, Kankuro." Kankuro smiled in his arms and hugged Kiba tighter. "Hey, don't laugh, I'm serious." Kiba pouted and Kankuro chuckled and looked at Kiba. "I really hate it when you cry..."
"I thought you would be very happy to just take care of me."
"Well, I do. But I prefer taking care of you when you're happy."
"Lucky me... Thank you, Kiba."
"What for?"
"Listening to me."
"Don't say thank you for that. It's normal. You can talk to me when you want."
"Even at 3 am?"
"Well, if I'm in your bed, you can wake me up, yeah. Even when we're not together. I will answer if it's you."
"You're spoiling me."
"I'm your boyfriend and that's what boyfriends do. Asshole."
Kankuro put his hand on his cheek and stroke it with his thumb. He really was lucky to have someone like Kiba in his life. Happiness rushed through him and he captured Kiba's lips with his own. Kiba sighed in happiness, moving his lips sensually against Kankuro's but he quickly stopped.
"I thought you wanted to go slow." Kiba said, not sure about kissing like this with the mess that happened yesterday.
"Yes, slow. Not going backwards. I want to kiss you because I feel like it. It makes me feel good. Really, really good." Kankuro smiled and love the way Kiba swallowed when he said these words. "You don't want it?" He bit his lips and he knew what the answer would be.
"I always want it, asshole!" Kiba blushed, knowing that Kankuro was messing with him. "I always want to do that with you." He admitted, drawing Kankuro's lips with his finger.
"Good. Because I want to do that a whole lot." Kankuro kissed Kiba's fingertips.
"Stop talking and kiss me for real, old man."
"Hey, I'm not that-!" Kankuro was cut by Kiba's lips on his own.
Soon, the living room was full of sighs and muffled moans.
See you next week people :)